A
male
age
30-35,
*step5
writes:Alright, this is going to be slightly long, but bear with me for a moment.I started dating this girl when I was 19. I've always had a lot of trust issues, so opening up to people wasn't something I was good at. For about 6 months things were going great, she worked as hard as she could to earn my trust and break down my proverbial "walls." She was clingy and always wanted my attention, which I really didn't mind at all. After 8 months of dating she, unknown to me at the time, got pregnant on purpose. (stopped taking her birth control, etc.) At first I wasn't too keen on the idea, being so young and dependent on our families, it just didn't seem like a good environment to bring a child into.Well, She decided that she was going to keep the child, and after a week I started to plan for the whole idea. I quit my fast food job and got a job in sales, making enough money to provide for us and our child, with room to advance in the near future. Although I hadn't handled the situation correctly at first, I wanted to make good and take responsibility for my actions and for my child. After a couple of months she started to act distant, started talking to her ex on a regular basis and lying to me about it, she started going on "drives" at night to "burn off stress," in which I only attributed to her being hormonal and needing some alone time (not connecting the dots between the ex and her), so I gave it to her. Soon there after we decided to take a break, and this is where the crap hit the fan.We got back together after a few weeks and she made sure to let me know that she was going to continue talking to this guy, strictly as "friends" and never more. I wasn't a fan of this and fought it every day, as she cheated on her last boyfriend with this guy.So finally our son was born, months and months go by, about 9-10 to be exact, I was advancing in my job, working a decent amount, she was being a stay at home mom, and I didn't have an issue with it, I was making enough money so that she didn't have to work. All the while she continued contact with her ex. She would go on drives / go out at night after I got home from work, which didn't sit well with me.So finally it all built up and I told her that I needed her to change, I needed her to treat me like I deserved, like she did when we first started dating. That there are plenty of people out there that would appreciate me for who I am. That I needed her to stop the cheating, because I knew that she was. (even though she denied it up until this point) Well, she looked at me and said "I have no desire to change" and I told her then that it was over, that she needed to move out, and we needed to figure out a custody arrangement for our child.Two days later she moved in with the ex she had been talking to for the past 9 months. Needless to say, I wasn't very shocked. I also wasn't very shocked when it lasted about a month and he left. She got a decent paying job and started providing for her self.Fast forward 6 months and we arrive at decemeber 2010. Her and I had been on a more friendly basis, I found it in myself to forgive her for what she did, because regardless, letting go of the past is the only way to move forward for the future, and I wasn't willing to have that detrimental experience lingering inside me.So she starts talking to me more, she came over and had a talk with me about everything and realizing that she was immature in the past and wanted to make it up to me and was willing to do what it took to earn my trust back and get our family back together. Call me naive, I kind of believed her.I decided I would give it a try, to allow myself to not have any "what if's" in the back of my mind. Things were great the first couple weeks, then things started down the path as before, just without her contacting any other guys, she just acted distant and not so nice / appreciative towards me.Now, I don't feel like I'm getting the attention, the intimacy ( not just sex, but kissing, holding hands, etc ) or the companionship I feel I deserve. I don't feel like she understands that she is supposed to be earning my trust back and showing me that she wants this to work out.We have sex, if I'm lucky, once a week. And again, I'm not complaining just about the lack of sex, it's the fact she takes no interest at all. We used to have sex on a daily basis and she would get into it.. Now she just kind of takes her clothes off and lies there, no foreplay, nothing. She get's pissy when i kiss her or try to touch her ( just putting my hand on her leg for example ) and I'm not allowed to engage foreplay because it "annoys" her. To be honest, we've only had sex twice this month.I guess what it all comes down to is that I'm not feeling validated in this relationship. I'll talk to her about these issues but she gets pissed and although I have a 10 minute "spill my heart out" conversation about my issues I have with her, the only thing she focus's on is the fact that I spend a minute complaining about the lack of sex. If she actually hears me out and I don't talk about sex, she'll tell me that she wants to change and that she will.Things work that way for about 6 hours, or until we go to sleep, but the next day things will be exactly how they were. She tells me that she's trying but her definition of trying is cleaning the apartment or cooking, which although I appreciate, has nothing to do with what I talk to her about.I know that we could work out if she could just give me her 100%, but it's like she can't keep it consistent. I know after reading all of this the general consensus is "what are you doing, get out of this horrible relationship and find someone who will treat you better." But I want this to work out, call me crazy, call me clingy or what you will, I just want her to try. If after that it still isn't working out, I'll have no issue walking away.I'm giving her this last week to prove it to me, otherwise I'm breaking it off for good. I do realize that at some point I need to stand behind my statements and do what is best for myself and our son. And if I'm not happy with her, then my son is also feeling those consequences, and would just be better off separated.I guess my question is, is there anything I can do? To make her see my perspective a bit better? I keep giving her all the chances in the world when I shouldn't and I don't feel like she can fully comprehend that.
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a break, foreplay, got back together, her ex, immature, kissing, money, moved in, no desire Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BriBri +, writes (30 January 2011):
Well I really can't help you here cause usually it's the other way around. Maybe she can't commit because she has been in a bad relationship before you, so give her some time she'll come around when she's ready.
A
male
reader, Jstep5 +, writes (30 January 2011):
Jstep5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't say that I don't agree with everything you're all saying. I have no qualms admitting that I'm immature in ways, but realize it's not that I'm demanding a specific kind of affection, I'd be happy with anything at this point.
Is a person who cheats deserving of trust? I realize that I put her through an obstacle course the first time for little to no reasons (I have trust issues stemming back to my parents, causing me to distrust most anyone I come in contact with, all of which was admitted prior to ever engaging in a relationship with this girl), but this time is a bit different, is it not?
I have seen the pattern in which you speak of, from us switching roles. But, Honestly, the roles switched while she was pregnant and never returned, they just stayed the same of me being clingy and her being distant.
I'll heed your advice and back off, I've talked about a counselor with her on many occasions, but she usually just shoots it down. I'll run it past her again, because I completely agree with the statement that we could both benefit from seeing a professional.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Quite frankly, I see issues on both sides.
Wow, both of you are totally feeding off of this dysfunction. You make her break down your walls, work to earn your trust from the start, you didn't open up and were distant. She was clingy and attention seeking to the point of pulling the goalie on you to get pregnant.
Then, SHE gets distant and you get clingy. She's off getting attention from her ex (yes, immature!) while she's pregnant with your kid (this ex must be a real piece of work).
Long story short, she chose to keep getting attention from the other guy, which of course didn't work out. But the interesting thing is - she provided for herself and became self-sufficient.
Then, you and she become friendly again, and you both talk about things and decide to get back together. What happens? Back to the pattern! You make her work to gain your trust. You demand validation and not just affection, but the kind of affection you want.
You like this whole "I'm giving you a week to prove it to me" thing. That's what you've been doing to her from the start. BOTH of you are immature. She should have broken it off with you rather than play around with an ex, and she should NEVER have pulled her goalie and gotten pregnant.
Personally, I think you both deserve each other in this weird, clingy, ultimatum-giving way. Maybe, you should relax, back off a bit, and let her come to you, which she will. You can't make someone show you the affection you want out of obligation or demanding for the validation that you deserve. No one "deserves" anything in a relationship. People show affection and put work into a relationship out of love, not obligation or working to earn trust or break down walls.
I agree with the seeing a counselor, because individually, you both have some real emotional problems, and together, you feed off of each other in this clingy, controlling, codependent dysfunctional way.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (30 January 2011):
I agree with aunt honesty, you have to take a DNA test to check it's your child for real. You have to get away from her as it has already been enough. Giving her more chances doesn't make sense to me.
She decided to get pregnant without your consent, she decided to cheat on you even when you told her to stop that. I don't see this girl is caring about you. No even a little bit.
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A
female
reader, Cherrie_StPierre  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 I think you two need to seek some counseling if you want the relationship to continue. Honestly, to me, she sounds like she is cheating again. or thinking about it, I don't know. And I can't understand for the life of me how she can do all this to you and treat you this way. You seem like the perfect partner, father, everything. You know yourself that there are heaps of women out there that are dying for the type of love and respect that you give this woman and she is so unappreciative. The lack of communication is astounding to me. It almost seems like she is in a different world when you open up to her. I really don't see any hope for you guys. I don't think she will ever give it 100% She just doesn't seem to care. I really don't think separating for a while will change her. It will make her rebound on someone else and then crawl back to you again when they leave her like last time. And you explaining your feelings doesn't change her. You really don't have any other options here. Just tell her over and over again that this is her last chance. And then, don't give her another one. She really doesn't deserve you.
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A
male
reader, Jstep5 +, writes (30 January 2011):
Jstep5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCurrently I'm working from home and am the primary care taker for our son.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 I cant really give you an answer here on how to make her love you, because that is what it boils down to at the end of the day. She was cruel to start of with by tricking you in to getting her pregnant, it sounds to me like she is a dangerous girl and you need to really have your gaurd up towards her. It sounds like she only became distant after she got pregnant therefore maybe you need to question that the child is yours and not her ex's. This would be the thing that would concern me, I think you need to look in to getting a DNA test done between you and her son.
Ok so she cheated on you and then she moved in with this guy. Obviously something went wrong for her when it didnt last with this other guy. But I think you might have made the biggest mistake on taking her back. It sounds to me like she is just setteling for you but she doesnt really want to be with you. She should be doing everything in her will power to prove her love to you, and show you that she can be trusted but it sounds like she is not even trying and doesnt want you to be near her or touch her, to me that sounds like you are her security blanket until something better comes along.
Tell her this is her last chance and if she doesnt change and show you that she wants to be with you then it is over and walk away knowing that you tried everything that it was her problem that she could not be bothered to show you if she cared or not. Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Do you think it's possible she'd see a counselor with you?I know you two are young, but having an 'objective' professional listen--and translate the words for your girlfriend--may be just what you need to get on track again. I know you say it's not the point, but as for the sex, she might have lost libido, or not feel sexy after having her child. Also, she might just have a lot on her plate, in terms of focusing on taking care of your son. If you think she is taking on too many chores, split the tasks, then she might have more emotional time for you.
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