A
female
age
51-59,
*atheriner
writes:Hi I have bogged before my Husband I have been together nearly three years. At the start he cheated on me was tight with money would not bother with my children as he dis not see his. My 9 year old Son saw me cry whilst pregnant and worried terribly it got to stage my Husband and i got seperate houses money etc still have. He stopped going out but moans about not doing his thing when we argue know this has not resolved the problem. Is better around the baby which is his and does more. He still is very controlling I do nothing he goes to gym three times a week. Most important of everything he now chats to my kids does not go to them to talk only if they are in room with him he come out with us occassionally but acts like he does not want to be there but says its stress from work. (Even though been to gym before). He will make my kids tea on odd occassion I work late but there is no one on one attention. My little boy hated everytime I forgave him. He has improved on many fronts but I worry that he will never get used to my kids and like them I feel he puts on the bare act he possibly can to keep me. He is not much better with his own kids but I want more for mine. My kids feel he does not care about them. Yesterday we took my kids and his to the park. My little boy ran off when I said he had to share pushing his baby brother with my Husbands Son. When I got him on his own in the park he said he hated my Husband and his Kids and wanted them to go. He said my Husband never bothers with the baby hardly why should he have anything to do with him. He said he was cross with me as I asked them. I calmed him down. When I got back to my Husband and the kids in the Park my Husband asked what was wrong with my little boy I said I would tell him later as I did not want to talk infront of the kids. More I did not want to tell my Husband or more annamosity would be shown towards my Son. He left it awhile then sais infront of kids whats going on what am I supposed to have done now or is it my kids. I said I already told you I would tell you later.In front of all the kids he said he is just looking for excuses for his bad behavior. I went mad with him as he is not helping his relationship with my Son by doing that. Later I was discussing the situation with my Husband in past my Husband has beratted my Son and looked to cause trouble with him. I stopped my Husband diciplining my Son as he had not built up a relationship on the other side with him there was no affection etc, he has not tried to get rid of the bad memories my Son has of him by doing anything one on one. He will talk to him now if he is in kitchen with him or sitting next to him but thats as far as it goes. I tried to explain that to my Husband again.He said your Sons behavior is not good I try very hard now I did not tell him to tidy his room yesterday I asked him to play rugby with my Son yest but he did not want to. His Son was playing not him and the whole point was not to play rugby but do one on one stuff. Then he said my kids asked about your Sons behavior today I told them he has issues I felt so angry I told him he had no right to do that God knows if those kids will say it back to my Son. I am so worried I heard yesterday that my Son cries in the toliets at school if the teacher tells him off. I feel for him so so much he is a caring kind little boy. My Husband was awful to him in the past just by ignoring him and having no interest in him. Now the interest is minimal and only when he comes into his space. I have agreed with my ex to have the kids on the opposite day to his my Husband is annoyed as he says we wont have time together by my kids and his argue his nine year old girl told my little six year old she was going to mess up her room when she had gone to her dads. I dont want my kids to hate being at mine and I am so worried this will happen. Do I give it a couple more weeks see how much effort he makes with my kids on the day I have them as up till now we had them on sat when he has his so he needs to make no effort and during week he goes to the gym on the nights I have them bar one. Or do I end it now my Little boy is becoming damaged and starting to blame me which is reasonable.
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cheated on me, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Ok, thanks for that : )
Right. This is a horrible situation, and difficult, and very upsetting for you. I don't want to make you feel any worse than you already do here - I just want you to know I know how you are feeling, and how stressful it is, and how awful and wrong that you should have to be trying to defend your poor son against a grown man.
Now, I have an opinion on this: your children are just that - little children. Trying to do their best, live their lives, go to school, be happy, and cope with half the week with Mummy, half the week with Daddy. That is hard enough. Now add a hostile step dad who can't be axxxd to do anything with them (can't with his own - really won't with yours) ... and with whom you have a bad history. Then add in a new sibling - your 18 month old - so a stronger bond between you and the stepdad, and a sibling to take some of your love and attention.
The simplest answer is, of course, just say it isn't working, be on your own with your three kids, and run your own life. Be there for your son, save your little daughter from nasty comments from a nine year old, and let them feel safe and ok. OR, if you don't want to give him up (I also understand that - you have a child with him, after all) - then say you stay at your house with your kids WITHOUT HIM on the days they are at home, and then the other days he can come and be with you.
That might be the best thing for now.
But sorry ... he isn't going to change into that guy who loves and understands and takes on your children as if they were his own ... he just hasn't got it in him. Unfortunately as far as I can see, quite a lot of men have terrible issues with their woman having children from a previous relationship - and especially with the sons. There is something there that is almost like jealousy, and it is not at all nice. And that attitude of 'why should I do anything with him? he's got his own dad' etc. - well, that is just horrible.
I honestly think you would probably be better totally without him, and am sure that would be better for your kids. BUT, i know how hard it is to be on your own. SO, i think maybe try that half and half arrangement. Tell him your son is having emotional problems and you want a bit of time on your own with your kids to 'sort him out' (don't have to explain that actually you mean time without your husband ...) - and then see how it goes. See how it feels, being on your own with the three children.
If you like it, and don't like the days when you are back with him, then maybe stick with it.
Good luck and be strong for your children - they need you.
A
female
reader, katheriner +, writes (30 January 2011):
katheriner is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Sorry its my typing. I have two kids from my previous marriage now age 9 and 6 they live with me Mon Thurs Friday and sat then with my ex the other days with whom I have a good relationship. He has three kids from previous relationships one he does not see he did not try now lost touch two age 9 and six who he only has on a saturday. We then have one child together eighteen months.
We have a house each but he stays at mine all they time I pay all the bills on mine he pays his.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (30 January 2011):
Hi there
Sorry - just so can give a proper answer: can you just confirm -
Do you live in a house with your husband?
What children live with you all the time?
Do you have children from a previous relationship? If so, do these children live with you all the time, or just visit? If so, when?
How often and when do his kids come? How many has he got?
Have you got any children together?
Sorry - just I got a bit confused reading your post, and would really like to answer as I understand a lot of the issues you are dealing with, and it is so difficult and painful and awful for you to be in between him and the children, and trying to make everyone happy, and feeling nobody is : (
best
n
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