A
male
age
36-40,
*rShinra
writes:Been seeing this girl for the last two months and even though we get along very well and I am quite fond of her, I'm not that convinced that she feels the same. She always tells me her troubles or drama going on in her life and I patiently listen as well as give her any advice on such matters if she asks for it, but whenever I try to tell her what's bothering me, it's not too long before she quickly changes the subject and goes back to herself before I'm finished. For example, last week I was telling her about my first pet and the heartache I dealt with having to put him to sleep due to his old age and right when I get to telling her the most painful part of the story, she starts rambling about drama she's dealing with concerning some of her friends. To be fair, once I told her I wasn't finished talking and she could tell I was upset, she insisted I continue. But come on, who interupts a dying pet story? Another time, she had come to visit me and when she got ready to leave, I wrapped my arms around her playfully trying to convince her to stick around a little while longer and she just looks at me and says I'm being clingy. This from the girl who on our second date, tells me how much she loves the attention I give her! She loves to cuddle, yet when I ask for more time with her she acts like it's an inconvenience. It's been little things like these that make me wonder why she wants to bother being with me at all? Thoughts so far? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 February 2013):
 I'd say you are overthinking it , and, while it is quite possible that your gf is a self involved type ( all the rambling tales about her friends,urgh ) ...well, you aren't exactly joking either , right ? , when it comes to what it's important to YOU. So maybe we have a little clash of egos, and time will tell if you'll sort it out in a mutually acceptable and satisfactory way, or if it something you won't be able to compromise over .
You see , OP, for instance I, not only do not have ADHD, but even , for work related reasons, received extensive training in JUST LISTENING . Without interrupting or commenting or making suggestions, just being there and facilitating people in the expressions of their feelings. It's harder than you think, OP, yet I'd say that I'm well trained and adept to it- IF I HAVE TO. If I don't...OP, you wonder who interrupts a dying pet story : everybody !, or at least everybody would dye to interrupt it and they don't out of politeness. The question is : who tells a longwinded, emotional dying pet story on a date ? , to a woman you barely know, you have just been going out for barely a couple of months ? I don't mean you should be fake, lie, or be silly all the time, just that things should be not so intense and soul-baring yet, and if they are, well OP, you can't expect she is ready to empathize , to feel your pain. You are not so intimate, so connected yet , that your sorrows are her sorrows - she probably feels about your pet story the same as you feel about her "dramas " : not particularly interested , or downright bored. Without necessarily being a selfish monster, otherwise you'd be a selfish monster too for not getting all excited about what you call her dramas, which may be painful to her.. The truth is , some sorrows are strictly personal, you can't DEMAND that people "get" them right away - dating is not therapy, you build intimacy, you open up gradually, as long as the connection builds up- if by the third date or so we are already at childhood heartbreaks and sick pets, well, maybe the other person is not ready for that .
Ditto for the embrace thing. Of course she likes attention, who does not. I like attention too, I like cuddles- everything in moderation. Wisely. I like cuddles, and I hate, as many women do, being physically restrained, even in jest, when I have said I've gotta go. It may be a jest, but it feels overbearing and it crosses my boundaries, it comes off as " I am not hearing you, I don't care what you say, I'll get what I want -in this case, hugs cuddles no matter what YOU want ". VERY annoying.
Now, I am making it so longwinded and such a big deal on purpose, to explain you why she might very well not have liked your hug and called you clingy. In practice, I admit, it's not even a tenth of such a big deal, it's a fleeting sensation of vague annoyance, one says " paws off, pal, gotta go " - drama avoided.
But, just to stress how there are always two sides in a coin, you are a little miffed because you feel that " she does not care enough because if she'd care etc.etc..." and, you can bet , she feels exactly the same.
I'd say- affectionately, no offence meant - that maybe you are both a bit of a primadonna... and you just , like any couple, have to learn to share center stage. Or at least, to take turns :).
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 February 2013):
 I would interrupt a dying pet story if something popped into my head. I have ADHD... my interrupting drives my non ADHD hubby bats. It's not done to be rude or cruel... it's how my brain works.
As for the hug as she was leaving... you may have been joking but if I was trying to leave and I was physically restrained even in jest... I'd deck the guy... just saying...
IF you are asking for time and she's complaining.. then I guess it's time to end it... see it's two months... it's just the time you need to figure out if you want to try to make it work.
at this stage in a relationship it should not be hard work...
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