A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating/talking to this guy for only 3 weeks. We have been in on a few dates and I have stayed at his house also , things seemed to be going well. So I found out he took another girl out on a date but he doesn’t know that I know , and I know I have no right to be annoyed as we have only been talking for such a short time, it’s not that I’m angry it’s just not really my thing to be dating Someone who is dating other people too. It puts me off, I only deal with one person at a time but that’s just me, I really don’t want to be involved with someone who is seeing me plus others, that means he could be sleeping with other girls too and I don’t like the sound of that. What can I say to him ? I’m not mad, it’s just not me dealing with a guy like this. What can I say to basically say I’m not comfortable with seeing someone who is seeing other people ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 October 2018):
 Just tell him that. Exactly what you've told us... That you're not comfortable with him dating others simultaneously and if he's not treating your dating/the getting-to-know-each-other period as exclusive, then you'd rather not see him any longer.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 October 2018):
 I hear about this sort of behaviour more and more these days. Apparently this is the "new" way of dating, i.e. you can date multiple people until you and one of these people agree you are in an exclusive relationship. Sounds sensible on one level but also can totally understand some being put off by it.
I really don't understand why you have an issue with telling him that you are not comfortable with this situation. It is your RIGHT not to feel comfortable with it. Is it because you don't want him to know how you found out about the other date? Are you afraid of "losing" him? If so, you have to remind yourself, you never really "had" him. Are you "ashamed" of feeling this way?
This is not going to go away or get any easier with time. Have the conversation NOW before you get in any deeper.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2018): Placing myself in your situation, I usually stick to my values and personal-rules on dating. When I was younger, my rules were flexible and subject to change. Sometimes even on the spot.
Not presuming anything; but such concerns don't arise, unless you've had sex with a person soon after you met them.
I felt no obligation to place demands on myself, or the other person; if we didn't really have a mutual-agreement, or discussion about seeing other people. If there is anything that bothers me about the other person I don't feel obligated to explain; I bow-out gracefully, and go about my business. You be you, and I'll be me.
I don't have to put-up with things from people that irritate or upset me. I don't expect people to have the same views I have; unless we've had an actual discussion about it, and I've made my opinion known. It's an opinion or preference, not a binding-contract; unless I plan to somehow enforce it. I can't tell other adults what to do, or how to behave; unless they work for me. Otherwise, they have free-will.
As a mature and experienced person, my level of discernment and ability to judge character has developed exponentially over the years. Having had successful relationships; I know what I want, and what I will tolerate out of people. All the while realizing they don't have to live-up to my expectations; and their/my options are open. Unless we have an agreement not to see others while we are dating. I expect nothing from someone I've known but a few weeks.
Snooping and spying seems pretty common these days. Something that I've never done, and still won't do. Even with the benefit of social media. I don't checkup or stalk people online to see what they're doing. I'm a private person; so I don't blast or publicize my every move. If people feel the need to spy on me, I prefer no further connection to them. I would quietly disassociate. Blocking any further contact.
Using what I've said as an example. Consider the fact that unless someone has agreed to be exclusive, dating for a few weeks doesn't remotely make them obligated to be exclusive.
Since it's your rule not to date others; even during a brief or very recent introduction to somebody, you are very welcome to discontinue any further contact.
No explanation required, if that's how you feel. Even if you informed him early on after meeting him; this is your option. You can exit, stage-right; and have nothing further to do with him. You are both free to see whomever you please; until you have discussed a mutual-agreement not to see other people while dating. Few people will agree to that after a couple or more dates, and they don't have to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2018): I wouldn't be too impressed with him if I were you. Obviously, you were getting along well enough to stay over his house. So, it seems pretty sleazy of him to date other women. And, if you had sex with him, even sleazier! He's made a bad impression. I would move on. He sealed his own fate. I wouldn't be able to trust someone who keeps his options open.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 October 2018):
 I understand you fully.
However, it does seem to be the "norm" these days that SOME people date multiple people. I think, that IF someone IS dating more than one person at a time they need to be up front about it.
I wouldn't date someone who was going out with several people on dates either. It's just not for me.
If you two have started to have sex and stay OVER, I think it's PRETTY low of him to still go on dates with others. But, on the other hand it seems YOU TWO haven't had the "are we exclusive" talk. Which to me, should happen BEFORE sex/sleeping over.
If I were you I'd tell him that you wish him luck but you don't think you and he are a good match as it seems you have very different approaches to dating (among other things). That you understand he isn't ready to commit to just one person but you don't want to invest time and effort in a guy who is dating multiple women. That you wish him well and good luck. After that? You simply block the dude. And move on.
It's only been 3 weeks so you don't really NEED to give him a long reason.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2018): Your under no obligation to date someone who is dating others but surely if you feel that way you will not be silly enough to sleep with him until he's made it clear he wants exclusivity with you right ?
If you sleep with a man who doesn't give you exclusivity nine times out of ten your goung to get hurt
Many people don't realise the simple biological differences between
Men and women once sex occurs whereby women
Release bonding hormones . This puts women in an extremely vulnerable position should the man not be committed therefore it's in the females best interest to wait until having sex unless she is one hundred percent certain that unattached aex is ALL she wants
If you don't believe me read about the biological differences in bonding between men and women during / after sex
The lesson for women who feel like you , and incidentally I'm one of them too as are many many women I know is ...
Don't have sex with men who won't be exclusive !
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 October 2018):
 Just tell him what you told us, you aren’t comfortable dating someone unless exclusive. To be fair, seeing other people doesn’t automatically mean sleeping with other people. Also, if you are sleeping with him already, then you’re taking the risk that that is all he’ll see you as. It’s rarely a good idea to sleep someone within the first couple of months, as it generally sets a tone and expectations for the rest of it, when you’re still only just getting to know each other.
I understand not wanting to date someone who is also dating other people, but it saves time in the scheme of things, if after a few dates you don’t get on as well as you thought and you have a couple of other people you talk to as well. They’re just has to be complete transparency with everyone involved and no sleeping together. It’s not an entirely new concept either, as people have done it for decades. I don’t know how I feel about being involved with someone who does it, but it makes sense not to commit to a stranger when you’ve only been talking for a couple of weeks. That said, after 4 to 6 weeks, I would expect exclusivity to be agreed upon or let the dating go.
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