A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My best friend has always been there for me during extremely horrible times. She has defended me behind my back and so on...However, as of several months ago I have grown increasingly mad and resentful... I feel that when I need to vent and I tell her my issues,instead of just a place to vent, I get to hear why something I did is wrong, or why I am wrong in approachign things a certain way. I usually pull back and stop talking to her and then she reaches out and what feels like a cycle starts again...I have noticed that when she doesn't agree with something she just says " you are so funny" or if we are texting she will just reply "Lol"... which makes me mad because when she calls me to vent, I listen and then I offer ideas but it's never " you should" "you need to do/not do this", its more like "have your tried....?"Anyways, my most recent example, I have always wanted another dog. She had a dog and I always encouraged her to get one despite of her many times telling me "I don't like dogs"... currently I can't afford it financially but I go into days where I just sit and wishfully think about having a dog and although I haven't had a dog in my adult years, I have a pretty good idea of the type of commitment it entails, which is also WHY I haven't got one already...Again, I had a GS growing up and although I haven't had one in my adult years, I have an idea of the financial, space-wise, time, etc commitment that they requireAnywyas, so this morning we are texting and I tell her "dude, I really want a doberman or a german Sheppherd" and she replies "Lol, Honestly I don't think you can handle a dog" "Why?" she lists all the requirements of having a dog, many of which Im aware of, and she doens't even know I had even called in the past to get a pet insurance quote but whatever... so we start texting back and forth and I just feel like just because she had a dog (that she didn't even like in the beginning) now all of a sudden she has much more knowledge over me...and I feel like that happens for a lot of things, the moment she tries something, she just knows better... I could go on with stupid pety examples that just keep building my resentment towards her "YOU ARE SO FUNNY"She recently started seeing this guy who just got out of jail and literally has nothing good to offer and I told her "my only concern, is what does he bring to your life?, can he make you a better person? what kind of plans do you have for him?" and if it were me telling her this was my case she'd probably say "you are so funny"Anywyas, I got upset and I texted her "I literally said I wanted a dog, I didn't say "I am getting a dog" and she goes "I guess if you have time"... I feel like my reactions are always so more considerate of her, when she tells me she wants to do thihngs, I encourage her to look at all sides, instead of "LOL" her or "you are so funny!". When I confront her "what's funny?" then she acts like a grown up and tells me specifics but I just hate when she behaves like "she knows better" or "you are so funny" to me sounds condescending... Am I being sensitive?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2018): Honestly I have to side with your friend on this one.
Because I believe she was giving an honest opinion that she believes you do not have the time commitment for a dog. This is actually a very serious issue as it involves another life- that of the dog's- and if your friend doesn't believe you have the time to properly care for it she has a DUTY to speak up!
If you had asked advice on buying a piece of jewellery, or going on a vactaion, or dating, etc. FINE maybe her opinion on those things would be interfering, but I do feel she has every right, especially when you have been venting about your chaotic life problems, that she should speak up if she feels you should not take on another living creature right now. This is the reason there are all time highs at animal shelters. And if you say she struggled to take care of a dog, then she knows first hand about how much care they require. You say you realize this yet your other comments say otherwise.
I think the fact that you got so insulted and on your high horse just shows that you are being unreasonable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2018): You can gauge and limit feedback about certain topics of conversation by offering cues, blocks, and disclaimers.
You don't have to vent with an open-ended discussion; because people automatically assume you want their opinion or advice. Always start your rant with "this is just how I feel, but I'm not really seeking advice about it!" You can also make a joke of it: "okay, mom, I will take that into advisement!" Or, just say: " I wasn't actually asking for advice!" Don't get angry about it; she just assumes, as being friends, she's helping.
Also consider how you present your story. If she senses your emotional-distress; she will sympathetically offer a solution. If she thinks there is an obvious solution; she will be inclined to bark it out. You've got to set the rules and guidelines for your discussions. Not build resentments. That's a reflection on you, and your hypersensitivity.
If she says something to insult you, don't mope or grudge. Just inform her: "that was unfair, I don't like that opinion you offered." Effective-communication depends on how you use and choose your words. Your tone defines your intentions. You can also change the subject seamlessly, and simply ignore what she said. That's the grownup-way to handle it.
She seems to have a motherly-nature; so she just plows right into your business, without considering you didn't seek her advice. So set some boundaries at the onset; and she will be less likely to cross them. It may take some practice, you first have to modify the behavior.
Maybe you're both "verbally" venting too much; and need to find other ways to decompress, or blow-off steam. Workouts and jogging does wonders!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 October 2018):
 Thanks for the follow up.
Keeping more things to yourself is not being secretive or building walls in the negative sense. It's being more conscientious about what you put into the friendship and what you hope to get out of it.
What you put into your body has, presumably, changed as you've gotten older and wiser. What you put into your relationships sometimes has to change as well if you want to keep them healthy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. No, we do other things,we cook, we travel together, we hang out at her pool, she comes over to my house to watch netflix, we got to brunch, but we both rely on each other to vent (we used to have the "vent hour" typically right after work where she'd tell me about her day at work and I would too... She calls me when something frutrates her or just to chat about random stuff and like wise I do.
Yeah, I've already started to keep very important things to myself which in a way feels bad because we usually tell each other things... I jsut have been dissatisfied with how comunication is handled.
Appreciate both of your guys' advice. :)
Thank you
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (5 October 2018):
I agree with Honeypie and I would add that it might be that without realising it you've come to rely on her to be your emotional junk drawer.
In my opinion it's toxic to just phone someone up to vent. We all have those days, and we're not always in the frame of mind to be receptive to advice and the opinions of others. When that happens it's best to occupy yourself with something, maybe cleaning out your closet or watching a movie. Don't dump that on others.
Be selective of those you reach out to and only do so when you actually want their opinions. And remember they have their own struggles as well and can only handle so much. They can't be brilliant and endlessly patient when they've heard the same problem, or kind of problem over and over again.
As far as things you want to do or have in the future, maybe keep more of your thoughts to yourself. Mentioning something seems to invite comment whether it's asked for or not. No one needs to be privy to every thought that crosses your mind.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 October 2018):
 I think she is the kind of friend who doesn't tip toe around with her opinion, she calls it like she sees it.
Now you MAY feel you can handle a dog, even if you haven't had one in ages, SHE deals with being a dog-owner every days. Whether she didn't really want a dog or not at first is pointless for you to bring up. SHE is a dog-owner now.
She isn't you. You try and be polite and considerate, she is being open and honest.
I think the "you are so funny" is her not really knowing what to say. Or her not wanting to give you a piece of her mind.
I'm a little surprised that this woman is your best friend and you claim you don't understand. I think you do, you are just not happy with the answers she gave (whether they are good or not).
You are allowed YOUR opinion, YOUR feelings and YOUR thoughts on matters.... BUT so is SHE! Accept that you two won't always agree. That NEITHER of you are some sort of oracles who knows everything.
So if she says something you find dumb or condescending, IGNORE that advice and move on in the conversation. Just know you aren't always right either.
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