A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We were very poor when we were young, I have an older brother who is the 'golden boy' cos he was the genius, the artist, good looking, he was good at everything. I have serius issues with my mum not out of jealousy or anything but because I felt she 'abandoned' me because I was never good enough for her. I was sexually abused since I was 7 until up to I was 13 by my 'grandpa'. Actually my grandma is that man's mistress and he was just my mom's 'uncle'. I don't really want to talk much bout the abuse but when I was 8, while watching Sesame Street, he asked me to give him a blowjob and I called out to my mum when he was forcing it down into my throat, I broke free and called for help but mommy never came, my mother never came, instead after he was done toying with me, my mother yelled at me from downstairs that I have no manners cos she was talking to my neighbor. I really hated her for that, I really do, after that I gave up, I just let him did whatever he wanted onto me as our 'secret' plus it turned twisted because after the 'game' he would buy me pretty stuffs and I got used to it. I started acting like an adult and wishing for breasts so to be more attractive and I started wanting to be my dad's mistress and I hated my mum when she would be loving to my dad. My dad used to work outstation all the time and wasn't really home that much while I was growing up. I am like a dirty whore since young because I would and knew how to masturbate at a young age and I loved how I look, I always wanted to be this sexy minx. I feel so sick that I just need to tell someone my secret, everything, my cousin was 3 years old back then and since I have 'grown up' I was 13 then and no longer that cute and pretty to my grandpa, he showed more interest in my cousin and I would get so mad jealous, what is wrong with me??? But I did make sure that he didn't do anything with my cousin for I would watch her and guard her and when he wanted to come near her, I would initiate sex with him. Then my little cousin moved away and so did we. Then I started wanting my teachers in school and they wanted me as well or I will just look for any older men that fits the description usually it's so sick that they must remind me of my dad. I even started lesbian relationships at 14 cos ironically I go to school at a convent. I like being in control with girls so I could do things onto my then ex gfs exactly as what my grandpa did to me. I repeated everything sometimes even the things he said. But then I don't know why as I grew older whenever I will meet my grandpa, I am afraid of being close to him, I feel I am so scared of him and I also didn't like it when I am too close with my dad. What is wrong with me??? Then I was 16 and we moved again and I dunno how but at that period I really completely forgotten what happened in the past like blocked out of my memory cos suddenly we had a complete different life, my dad's business was really booming and we had so much money and my parents bought me everything that I wanted, my life was perfect and I was perfect, I did very well in school and college, top honurs and I was so 'sweet and proper', my parents loves me, everyone loves me I was a good and popular girl, I was 'clean' but then I started dating this guy at 22 and he raped him then everything came back, all the rushed emotions, everything was so vivid, it was a repeat, I had a complete nervous breakdown but I pretended everything was alright and everything was and is fine and dandy. I can't do this anymore, I feel I am crazy. I dunno why I hate my mum even more now and yet I love her so much, I am torn and I so much wanted to yell at her, 'look at me, i'm a dirty dirty little whore and you did nothing!' but I never did that and now as an adult, I just can't bring myself to have relationships with men or women, I was promiscuous for a while after the rape incident but now just recently I'm completely suddenly petrified of sex and I will try to hit and kick violently anyone trying to be intimate with me and yet I act like a complete flirt, a player, people are now saying I am a crazy slut and I am very depressed and has turned to food, I'm getting fat and ugly to feel safe and yet men all sorts of disgusting men they still can't stop coming after me, I dunno why I play along as well, but I hate all of them, I hate myself, what is wrong with me? I feel so dirty like I just want to peel my skin off. I can't keep up pretending I am ok, I feel a lot of anger and found myself having fantasies and getting high of being with a dead body or to the extend of maybe just killing a man so that he could lay still you know and I could have fun with him and have him all for myself. I am not well and yet this shame, I just can't bring myself to tell anyone, friends or a professional and it's a torture everyday cos I lead a double life, there's this perfect me with my mask on and here's me being me, sometimes I look at my own hands and I don't feel I am in the right body, sometimes I can't recognize the reflection I see in the mirror. Am I going really crazy? Another thing why couldn't I get pregnant whenever they did things to me? Is God punishing me because He knows that I could never be a good mother?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BigSis  +, writes (23 March 2008):
Well, what can I say, that The Wizard hasn't already said. He has spoken very wise words. Please hear them.
May i just add that you 'will' find yourself again, and you 'will' learn to love yourself again.
Your life is very precious in our eyes. It should be in your eyes too. Believe in yourself, you are truly an amazing woman to have gone through all of that.
You have the strength of many women put together.
You surfaced from that awful life of depravity once, and we all believe you can do it again.
Our thoughts and best wishes are with you every step of the way.
BigSis xXx
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (22 March 2008):
 First, let me tell you, I won't look down on you for what happened. Your not a dirty whore. What happened to you was not your fault. You didn't cause this, you were a receptor to evil acts of someone else. You are a very intelligent person. I say that because you recognize the issues and that the behaviors which stem off them are causing you problems. That's amazing.
First lets view how trauma exists. Every experience we encounter gets stored. Writing this to you now becomes part of permanent memory from the experience of writing it. Years down the line if I work with someone with similar issues, this moment may then resurface because of its similarities. With trauma, think of a baby and how they grow. They start out no larger than a pea. Think of that pea as being in your subconscious from your first abuse incident. Every incident thereafter creates more peas. Not having the ability to deal with the issues at the time, you were young, is like furtilizer and they begin to grow. After a while, which would explain the period of what you considered normal, then shift into not. That's the period where your trauma has punctured through the subconscious into your conscious state of mind.
I think it's time to deal with these issues. I hope you feel the same. Please give feedback on how you're doing. I may not know you, but I still care about you getting better and will pray you get to a point of feeling good about who you are and being able to live normal again without all these fears. These aren't a cure all, but they will begin pointing you in the right direction to heal.
(1) Write yourself a letter. Do so from your adult self to your child self, releaving your child self from any responsability for what happened. The child you didn't know, and writing this letter will assure that. Childhood trauma is locked as childhood memories so you have to address as if you're speaking right to the child.
(2) Forgive your adult self for anything that has happened because of this trauma. Realize this, all the behaviors you listed are coping methods, your way of dealing with the actual, initial trauma.
This next step is the most difficult. It may require confronting those who caused pain. It's a you listen I talk confrontation.
(3) Confront your mom and grandfather. If not available a picture may work and if that's not available a letter. This is not a place blame confrontation. It's to really dig deep and get out how these behaviors have caused you to live in a living hell. Let them know exactly how your life has been affected.
This step is difficult as well, but necessary. It goes right along with 3.
(4) It's time to forgive. You're not doing so because they deserve forgiveness, but doing so because you deserve to heal and move forward from this. It's very difficult to move forward from trauma as long as you cary this grudge against those who did the acts. Just as trauma, hate grows and affects lives too.
When you get through with that, if you're interested in moving forward, contact me and I'd be happy to go through the next steps with you. I'll give you information on how to change your views on bad experiences, and how bad things can empower us and not be such a disability. I will also give you information on how to start rebuilding your sense of self, so you can begin feeling good about who you are, and strong because of it.
I hope this helps you. You did mention God punishing you and what's wrong with you. First of all, God isn't punishing you. You are created perfectly in God's image. God doesn't make mistakes, but the malicious acts of others can at times make us forget that, which then seems as it's punishment. Second, there is nothing wrong with you. You are carying a heavy load on your shoulders. We often start giving up when that load gets too heavy.
No one should every have to live with wha't you've gone through. I have children, 3 daughters and 1 boy. I couldn't imagine putting them through or how I would be affect if any of them have endured even a portion of the tragedy you've been through. I wish you the best and look forard to hearing from you with an update. Take care.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 March 2008):
 Sadly, nothing about your case comes remotely suprising. I am involved with a support group for women who are trying to get out of prostitution. Just do tech for them but you pick stuff up. You are almost a textbook case.
You really do need to seek proffesional advice for this. You are from hong-kong wich means I have no idea how things are arranged there, but since Hong Kong used to be british I presume it has fairly modern attitudes. There should be support groups for victims of abuse.
Childeren can adapt to almost anything. Faced with the betrayal of your mother and grandpa you coped as best as you could manage as a small child. With no one helping you, all you could do was give up, what can a child do against a grown man? It was not just fear, childeren are "supposed" to do what their elders tell them and abusers know this.
It turning into a "game" as you say is just the way some victims deal with what they can't avoid. Know this, you never did it for cash, that was what he forced onto you same as the abuse and you had no choice. Any proffesional will regonize this.
The movie Nuts http://imdb.com/title/tt0093660/ has the heroine go through a lot of the same as you in her childhood, there are other movies as well, which should tell you just how common this sadly is.
The feelings of jealousy? A child wants to be loved. A monkey ripped from his mother will form a bond with practically anything that gives it the smallest amount of comfort. A doll can be enough and when that baby monkey gotten used to this it will even resist being pulled away from it even to return it to a more natural enviroment. This is an experiment done often enough. Tells you all you need to know about the human race.
A child loves her parents, no matter how bad they treat her. Again, classic abuse sympthom. Another woman posted recently who had been raped for 10 years as a child with full knowledge of her mother, she still wants contact with her. It is human nature, there is nothing wrong with you.
You really need to seek outside help. This can't be resolved on your own, nobody can deal with this alone. The most basic part of the healing process is to find out that you are not alone. That it wasn't your fault. Nobody is to blame but the people who did this to you.
There are online support groups available that can found with any search engine. They may be able to help you further. Any doctor should also be able to point you in the right direction.
You are not alone and not to blame but you are going to need others to work through this.
Extreme trauma screws not just with your mind but your body as well, there may be medical reasons why you did not get pregnant, the men may have been infertile. Even in loving couples who are trying it pregnancies don't just happen.
You made the first step to recovery by posting on this forum, but we can only tell you to seek help. If you need to talk, feel free, but sooner or later you need to seek out proffesional help because what you went though nobody can deal with on their own.
20% of women in the US are estimated to have experienced incest/child sexual abuse. That means that if you see 5 women, 1 has been abused as a child. If you measure abuse in general it goes as high as 70%. That means if you two women, changes are BOTH have been sexually molested.
You are not alone, you are not to blaim.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Hi Hunny
You are not a dirty little whore you are none of the things you have called yourself at all...What I feel is you are suffering with post traumatic stress syndrom after what your grandfather did to you sweetheart, You new how terribly wrong it was as you protected your cousin..Your fantasys about your father reflect your mother lack of observation at what was going on with your grandfather and you needed attention, You needed to shout help me something is wrong this is happening and no one is listening to me!!!!!!You have had this sexual attention payed to you not wanting it or desiring it but as you got older became used to it as part of life as you new nothing different, And what has happened over the years of abuse it has played games with your head as you desired to look and feel sexy but you felt dirty as well and these two feelings coinciding cause you immense pain and depression confussion and fear...Im sending you a link on post traumatic stress
http://www.medicinenet.com/posttraumatic_stress_disorder/article.htm
It mentions at the bottom of the page about sexual abuse hunny.....
Hunny to keep such pain in will cause it to come out in different ways that will be much more confussing for your brain to be able to handle so therfore putting to much pressure on your mind and causing breakdown of mind body and soul....You really need to go to a counsellor and start working right from the beginning and slowly working up to the rape and present day to start to understand what has brought you this far and why now you need to let this out is because you dont want to think or have these terrible feelings anymore sweetheart, This is one of the worst cases of abuse I have heard..My son was abused but I went to the police and did something about it, It also was not a family member...To be so little and have to go through what you went through and then as you grow to understand more and more of how very wrong this was is most definatly going to play tricks with your mind. Hunny please go and see someone a counsellor find a abuse help line so you have some support.. And my advise to you is try and get all this put into perspective as this will be a very slow thing it will take awhile to get better from all of these terrible things that have happened to you, God is not punishing you sweetheart you need to go to a doctor to get checked out as sexual abuse of this nature could have damaged you internally so go to a doctor to get a check up find a abuse and rape help line for support and through a doctor seek hep with a counsellor and hopefully in time you will slowly begin to heal darling if you need to message me please feel free... PLEASE TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU AND NEVER FORGET HOW VERY SPECIAL YOU ARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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