A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is my story. I've been married for 15 years. I was married young. My husband is a good person, never cheated, helps out with cleaning, making suppers. Isn't very affectionate, but let's me know in different ways how he feels for me. My problem is I'm not allowed to go out for coffee with my female friend that I've known for years. I have in the past, but he ends up not speaking to me, or arguing with me about it. He states we only need eachother. I've told him I feel he's being controlling when he acts this way. When I have went out for coffee, or shopping with my girlfriend I have to be home by 8 p.m. I've mentioned I'm an adult and I don't need a curfew. My girlfriend and I have kept in contact by telephone, texting, and emails. She oftens asks why can't you stop by, and I'm tired of making excuses as to why. I felt smothered and ended upeaving him last year when I went out shopping and came home at 8:30 and he was furious, and then decided to sulk afterwards. I became tired of it and said I've had enough and left. I returned because he decided not to go to work and out of guilt I came back. Nothings changed. I've tried to express I need to have friends and they should be able to come over once in awhile and I should be able to go there without any heated discussion. Am I over reacting?
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female
reader, BeSimplyTrue  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 You're definitely not overreacting. This is not healthy (though, I admit, not entirely unusual). If a partner states "we only need each other" then there is something wrong.
I think you need to ask yourself some questions. Here are some I thought of right away:
Does your husband object to all of your friends and family, or just this particular friend? If he only objects to this friend, could he possibly have a good reason to object? Sometimes friends can promote risky, unsafe behaviors like drinking too much, indulging in negative talk (especially about spouses), spending too much, gambling, etc. Does any of this sound like a possibility?
Has your husband given a reason for this curfew? And is it actually, officially a curfew--like, he calls it that? Or does he enforce it unofficially by sulking and complaining? If it IS an official curfew, what reason has he given?
Overall, what is your relationship with your husband like? Do you do fun things together, like attend interesting events (concerts, movies, art openings), exercise (walk in the park, bicycle together, even go to the gym), share your interests? Do you have actual dates? Because if your marriage has become a routine of chores, work, and general "hanging out", he may feel lonely in your marriage and want you around more, hoping that fun stuff will happen. It doesn't completely make sense, because if he wants fun stuff to happen he should make the first move and plan a fun date, but he may not really know that's what he wants. He might be clingy because he misses you (misses having fun with you), but he doesn't actually know that is why.
I'm sorry my reply was mostly questions but I think they are important ones. I think some of them you need to ask yourself and others you need to ask him.
This is definitely a controlling behavior of his, but there may be some understandable reasons behind it. Don't accept his rules, his sulking, and his unhealthy demands (it's a CLASSIC relationship problem not to have enough outside-the-relationship socializing!!), but don't dismiss them as crazy either. Try to find out.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (19 May 2010):
Well, you left. Out of guilt, you came back. Guess what, nothing's changed. this is your life. Your life with this man will be one where you have no say in anything and you have a curfew. He will not change. Fatherly Advice says that you should get help, and I think he he's right. But I think that if your husband says anything other than 'yes', then you need to leave and not look back. You're not a toddler. You're a woman. Personally, I think even if you do suggest help it won't work. I would seriously consider leaving and never looking back.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 May 2010):
 No you are not over reacting. He is over controlling. His methods of control are very sneaky and make you feel guilty for doing everyday regular things. That makes them abusive. You two need to get into a counselor. The evidence is that you have left him once for this behavior. You can not live with this kind of control much longer.
Ultimatums obviously aren't going to work. You will have to convince him that you need the help. I would think that after 15 years you have some ways of convincing him to do things you want.
I can understand him not wanting to go to bed without you. Especially if you have always been there. When my wife's work started to keep her out late it was quite an adjustment for me. I'm afraid I was quite needy and called her at work too much. Now I'm more used to it and can get by with a text to her. I still don't like waking up alone in the wee hours.
FA
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A
male
reader, The Great Mark Says +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Holy control issue Batman! your locked up like an incarcerated serial killer...
this is a case of some serious control issues. sit him down and tell if that he is controlling you unfairly(and might as well say inhumanly too). your a grown woman that doesnt need a bed time and curfew. if you want to got out with friends then hes just got to deal with it. and if you want to come home at 11:37pm, then you are allowed too. you need to put your foot down and say to him. i have friends, im going to see them when i want to. and if he doesnt approve then he can suck on a lemon. and make sure you tell him, if he truly loves you and wants to see you happy. then he must let you go out and see friends and have a social life. good luck with this one
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