A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so... I have been very active in my life, more so than most people. I put it down to my confidence levels but many put it down to me being an ass. Except for this I'm always good, never harm anything or anyone and any chance I get I help others and those other may even say I have a kind heart ( not knowing the other side of course). I am very smart (for those who care to know "mensa") and very young but have already studied in top 5 universities in the world and worked for furtune 100 companies which I guess are all part of my other side. I also workout A LOT and feel like I want to keep the tall dark and hansom thing going for as long as possible. NOW, I have an amazing gf whom I love dearly. I knew from day 1 she wast a virgin and in fact we started as a 1 night stand ourselves. I guess I didn't think about it much then.And now, after a series of uncovered lies, I suddenly cant take it anymore. Well I don't mean I'm gonna jump out the window, but anything she says I automatically take as a lie and try to find out the truth about. And now I feel like I don't want to marry a woman who has ever been touched by another man. I just cant get over it and stop thinking about it :8 Don't be mean to me please, I am fully aware of what kind of a person I sound like. I'm here for some kind advise and not to be told of my many flaws.Also sorry for any writing mistakes.Thanks,a confused guy.
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (7 August 2010):
 Thanks :) No mean answers from me here.
This is a really sensitive topic, but I want to help you, which is why I asked where you're from.
Sometimes, when there are cultural differences in a relationship, misunderstandings can arise. There's nothing wrong with dating someone from a different culture, but it's important to realize that cultural differences affect how we see the world and can be a source of conflict. I went to college in another country and I really love it now, but first it was a shock to me. I learned that people have a different way of doing things... not bad... just different. I didn't understand why people did the things they did and at first I misunderstood a lot.
All cultures view virginity differently. There isn't a "right" or "wrong" culture, they're just all very different. I don't know much about Iran's culture but I know that in USA and Europe we're a bit liberal. I've never slept with a man or even a woman, but I'm weird. I'm probably not saving sex for marriage, but I won't have sex with just anyone. I'm not saying that ALL western women are easy, it's just that very few people marry virgins here. Different cultural expectations could be the reason you have a hard time finding the right girl. Don't despair though, these things can be worked out.
Your girlfriend's lies have nothing to do with where she is from... unfortunately there are girls in every country that lie.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSure, Iran :)
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (6 August 2010):
Hi new guy,
No problem. I'm glad my answer helped a bit.
I'm just curious. You say that English is not your mother tongue. Where are you from originally, if I may ask?
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female
reader, Accountable +, writes (5 August 2010):
 Hi, thanks for your followup. RE your reply to me: "Accountable, you're right about the first part, but also failed to see that if I thought she was a bad person I would have ended it long ago."
I am not saying that I think you think she is a bad person. You can think shes the most amazing person in the world, but clearly the issue of her sexual past is one that is nagging at you, and all I'm saying is that if you can't resolve that problem, its going to become a dealbreaker for your relationship. You may grow to resent her for not being a virgin, and she may grow to resent you for always second-guessing her. I am not saying you absolutely should end it with her; just that you two need to improve your communication, get your relationship back to a state of openness and honesty and try to resolve these problems, so you can have a healthy relationship and both appreciate each other fully (rather than having these kinds of issues of trust standing in the way of what otherwise sounds like a good relationship).
I hope this helped!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits funny how almost everyone, even those who really try to be nice, have bitter line or two at some point in every comment. is it really that hard to be nice?
anyhow, these lies are pretty small, actually very small and unimportant (most but not all).
the bigger ones are, for example she said she was single when we started up and later turned out she was in a 6 year relationship. she lied about her contact with her ex, and was regularly in contact with him until 6 months into our relationship. she sent him a post card that she bought with me without telling me. she didnt break up with her ex until 2 months into our relationship and this whole time I thought she had not heard or seen him in almost a year. this is the sucky part when shes told me she was with him 24 hours before we met and as I said we where a one night stand. I know this makes her look and sound bad but she really isnt as bad as these actions make her seem.
anyhow, she got some mail from him a few weeks ago and was reading them but only told me after 2 weeks.
there are quite a few more but these are on my mind at the moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell guys, first, thanks for all the replies. I appreciate them. If some people think my problem is no childish for them then I don't see why they are replying.I don't get why so many people miss the point and actually think I'm here to show off. This might be your hobby but its not mine and I'm not here for long. I just have a question in my head that I need non family and honest advice for. It is great that I can ask my questions here as I don't see myself asking them from people I meet in real life.k_c100, thank you for your reply, it had some good points but I didn't mention mensa to show off, nor did I lie about it. In fact I was in the 99.8th percentile which is quite a few societies above mensa whom only requires 98th percentile for entry. I was just trying to give an introduction to myself so that it might come in handy. much like the way you would at the psychologist really. Also English is not my mother language and is one of the few languages I can speak. DrPsych, you have a good point... sometimes I see how when everyone else is crying over the death of my granddad, even though I loved him very dearly I can move on like nothing has happened. which does scare me at times.I'm not too sure about the comparison thing as I always tend to think I am very capable in that area and I have what I think is unmatched experience. really, you name it, Ive done it 100 times in 100 different locations with 10 different people. (used to brag about this, not much these days)Yos, I agree with the EQ thing you mention but dont think its jealousy as I've never had it even with her until way later on into the relationship and after a series of lies.Rescuer, what you say is true about me for the most part, but I already am aware of them and still the problems persist. I dont know what I would be insecure about??? blackhearts, useless reply, one of those better kept to yourself. don't portend you're super confident ans know it all from behind a computer. Accountable, you're right about the first part, but also failed to see that if I thought she was a bad person I would have ended it long ago. about her: I truly mean it when I say shes amazing. The series of lies all had to do with her trying to keep me happy about her past (or thats what she thought mistakenly).She is the type of woman you keep, kind, caring, loving and warm. She is the type that wakes up early every morning and makes me breakfast and lunch for work (I do not think in anyway that as a woman thats her "job") I was raised by a single mom and respect woman.( I know it doesn't make sense in conjunction with the active past )anyhow, shes the type that keeps sending me email asking me to check on my little sister who has just had a surgery.She warms my heart and I don't want to let her go. I just want to free my mind of this mistrust. quiet-echo, I think you would have a different opinion had you met her in real life but maybe my word paint a better picture of her now.SirenaBlusera, thank you for your answer. I am inclined to agree with you and also I dont think hymen defines virginity either. I see it as a sign of innocence which I have to say attracts me greatly. they problem is also partly due to my life style. I've adopted the work hard party harder life style and I see that, I may need to change that in order to achieve what I want in life and to be at peace with myself.spunky monkey, you sound like the type of woman I would be around and that I'm trying to avoid now a days. I'm not trying to be mean or rude but I'm trying to shift myself and live a successful and strong life one where I'm in peace and happy with my family.Thank you all,new guy
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (5 August 2010):
I used to be in Mensa myself, but since have joined ISPE because I think the monthly journal is way better.
In any event, you look like you are suffering from some retroactive jealousy. I have it myself, and admit it freely. People who say its a product of "fear of comparison" are way off the mark. For me, that has nothing to do with it. The emotions are varied but they typically come down to not wanting you woman to give the most intimate part of herself to someone else and having that experience with someone else, complete with visuals.
Its a product of male evolutions mate. Either you can handle it or you cant. In either case, you need to decide which way quickly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010):
You say you want to keep the TALL DARK HANDSOM THING GOING!
EGO...just enjoy life and your pursuits and achievments be happy and keep that tall dark thing under control.
I won a certificate for a Mensa quiz and i'm thick so don't boast too much about Mensa and i graduated from a very good university in England ,now i am an educated idiot.
I am also tall and dark but female and frankly don't mind getting hooked up with someone who has been around the block a few times. Virginity! ever thought it might be a spiritual thing and not physical? just a thought.
anyway have a good time and i wish you well.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (4 August 2010):
No mean answers here; I think that there's not real connection betweeen virginity (or lack thereof) and honesty... unless someone was sexually unfaithful. the problem here is that she's told you a series of lies, and you found out.
You need to have trust in a relationship and the fact that someone is a virgin isn't a guarantee of trust. In fact, you really don't know if a girl is a virgin... she could be lying. (yes, I know, a hymen, but that can break from a million things other than sex). Trust is something that is sown and cultivated over time, like a plant. It takes time and involves getting to know someone.
In order to have a relationship, you must have similar values. I'm not saying you're a bad person, but if you must have a virgin wife then you should practice similar values. You've already had sex but it's not too late to practice abstinence, until you get serious, and probably not a bad idea. :-)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): It sounds to me like this problem really flared up when you discovered she had been lying to you about things.
Focus on that. The trust is blown and that makes these feelings all worse.
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A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (4 August 2010):
The 'kind of a person [you] sound like' is a massive hypocrite. The way I see it, you can hardly hold a woman you see as a potential partner to an ideal of chastity when you in no way adhere to that value yourself.
Anyway, regarding your current relationship it sounds like the biggest problem is a lack of trust, as you initially had no problem with her sexual past. If you can't repair the trust I would end the relationship, since it in no way has healthy foundations. But I think it is incredibly unwise to carry forward the attitude that your future wife must be untouched by any other man - especially as you have been "touched" by many other women. Just start your new relationship as a completely blank slate, and as long as you are both completely honest about your sexual history from the outset (and no other stories crop up later in the relationship, as seems to have happened with your girlfriend) and decide whether you can both be accepting of the other or not. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Totally agree with the others.
Your question doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand why you felt the need you had to tell us so much about your self, (you're so intelligent, flew a thousand jets, worked for a million companies), or what ever you made yourself out to be (lol).
All I'm saying is, your question was about your girlfriend, so what was the need in the first paragraph? Plus, you gave us nothing to answer to really, you never even said what she lied about.
If you BOTH started out as a one night stand, then you both new what you was getting into. Plus, you should have known the consequences. Not everyone does want to marry the person they had one night stands with.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 You've been given some great answers below by the other aunts. I strongly suggest you try to understand them, rather than dismiss them as I suspect you will.
I will add that mensa-type intelligence is only one form of intelligence: IQ. Ofter people with a high IQ have a low emotional intelligence: EQ. In your case you appear to fit this stereotype very strongly. The fact that you're bragging about IQ, work, working out, etc suggests that you use your high IQ to mask a range of emotional problems.
It's these emotional problems that are causing this problem. It's not your girlfriend.
As for what to do next, I suggest you consider that you're suffering from something called retroactive jealousy.
Why do I think this? Well because you appear to be a classic case of it. But in particular one thing you said epitomises jealousy :
"anything she says I automatically take as a lie and try to find out the truth about."
You could find that sentence in a dictionary under the definition of jealousy.
There's lots on this site about it, here is a recent summary I wrote about it:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Confused guy...you are confused about what it is to be intelligent. High Mensa scores mean you are good at specific cognitive tests, it says little about your overall intellectual ability. Confidence is attractive in small portions. If you demonstrate too much of it, people perceive it to be arrogance and run away from the know-it-all big head. You are troubled by your girlfriend's sexual past. What you are really troubled about is your own sexual performance and history with women. A virgin is someone you think will not be able to differentiate between a good lover and a bad lover. You think such a woman would admire your sexual prowess and vast worldly experience in the bedroom department. A more sexually experienced woman may be able to compare you to other men, and that is what you find difficult to deal with. At the end of the day I have heard a lot about you and what you want from your relationship, but little about your girlfriend's hopes for the future. You claim to love her but that is a rather unconditional emotion in which you forgive your partner for their shortcomings. I think if her relationship past and apparent lies are such a big issue for you, dump her. It will allow her the freedom to find a man who accepts her just as she is.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 August 2010):
 This doesnt make much sense to me - you mention MENSA and being really smart, yet you cant spell properly and mention yourself in your post that there are writing mistakes?
Its like you are bigging yourself up, making out how wonderful you are yet you already are aware it is all false!
There is no advice for you to be honest - you are the epitomy of the male double standard in society. You will never find happiness with your mentality as it stands today.
You have an amazing girlfriend who you love dearly. If you really are so smart you will know that the chances of finding someone else who you have these same feelings for are very slim, so why would you give all that up just because you cannot handle the idea that there are other men who are just the same as you who go around having one night stands and using women like your girlfriend?
I think the issue here is you - you know that you have slept around in the past and are ashamed of your behaviour. Or at least you should be! So you want to "purify" yourself by only associating yourself with virgins, so then it will make your sleazy sexual past just fade away. But why should you take away any girl's virginity when the chances are she wont make you happy? Because you will realise that virginity and sexual past is no reflection on the girl unless she has slept with many many people (then the chances are she is a bit easy and that reflects a troubled character).
I think you have more of an issue with:
a) how you met - you met as a one night stand so you have started out the relationship with the idea that she is easy. You dont want that sort of behaviour in a future wife therefore it is something you cannot get over
b) the lies - you have not explained what she lied about but now you cannot trust her for whatever reason. A relationship without trust is nothing, virginity or no virginity.
I think you would have had a great relationship with this girl if you had met in other circumstances and she had not lied - even with her not being a virgin.
But I guess it is up to you what you do next - can you work on the trust problem and is she worth so much to you that you can ignore her sexual past? Or is that a deal breaker? We cant make that decision for you!
And whatever you choose, make sure you work on your own issues too. You cannot be the walking, talking epitome of the double standard in society - if you are not a virgin then you have no right to expect a virgin wife as standard. Having a wife who is a virgin will not make you happy, you need to realise this quickly otherwise you will end up marrying some poor girl who is a virgin but you dont have real feelings for, and then you will find you cannot live without love and end up divorced. Love means so much more than virginity, a virgin wont make you happy but real love will.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (4 August 2010):
 yeah was gonna throw a few things at you but since you want me to be nice ill try! look your gf has lied to you so your already thinking about things and picking the worst things to think about.if you cannot get over the fact she lied then this relationship wont go anywere positive. and as for finding a virgin girl good luck! maybe they will have the same idea and not want a used guy so your odds are slim! just becareful if you do land the girl of your dreams and she wants a virgin and you lie watch it doesnt come back to bite you in the ass! just because your in mensa doesnt mean a thing to me so i answer you as i see it! you either talk through your problems with your gf or you walk away! its not simple but thats your options. good luck aphex
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