A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I’ve been with my fiancé for 5 years now we split up for a couple of months last year we got back together but I told him things needed to change as soon as he gets home from work he starts getting stoned I go to work half hour after he comes home I get home from work and he’s sat on his computer I go in the bath and go to bed he doesn’t even sleep I’m bed with me he’s been on the sofa for a year he makes no time for me we never go out anywhere I’m so bored I feel really miserable he always says things will change he will cut back on how much he spends getting stoned we will do something once a week me and him but if I mention doing anything he just says we haven’t got the money we rarely have sex maybe once a month if that I just don’t know what to do anymore I’m so fed up any suggestions greatly appreciated thank you
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2019): You're not in love with this man. You're merely attached to him. This attachment is harmful to you. To him, your attachment has no effect because the only thing having any effect on him is his weed. His addiction also shows how mentally unstable he is.
Stop doing social service at the cost of your own life and future. You need a mutually beneficial healthy relationship. Is this the man you choose to live and experience life with? Is this the man you'd choose for fathering your children(if you plan on having)
I think you're wasting the PRIME years of your life sweetheart. Get out of it, better late than never. Trust me, you'll find your happiness only if you're far away from this man.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 February 2019):
 Does it really sound like he’s going to change?
You’ve wasted 5 years, how many more?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (6 February 2019):
 Wiseowl got here before me and stole my fire...lol...so I will just reiterate what he said. NEVER go into or stay in a relationship expecting someone to change. I can't stress this enough. People change because THEY want to, not because WE want them to.
How long before 5 years turn into 10..15..20 and he's still sitting on the couch playing games saying there's no money so no fun, no sex..ect..
Cut your losses and move on. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 February 2019):
 How many more years do you want to waste doing exactly what you are doing and being miserable? Waiting for him to change is futile. He is who he is. If that is all you think you are worth, then stay with him and carry on telling him things need to change and carry on listening to him assuring you they will. Five years, 10 years or more down the line, you will still be having the same meaningless conversations and you will still be unhappy.
What are you getting out of this relationship? There is no mention of ANYTHING good.
You KNOW you are worth better. Stop expecting him to change. If your home is his, move out and find a place of your own. If it is yours, throw him out. Then work out why you put up with being treated this way. Once you have convinced yourself you are worth better, go and find it.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019): I hope a lot of people are reading your post; and the answers the aunts and uncles offer in response.
Never go into, or remain in, a relationship with the mindset you will change people. The purpose of dating a number of different people is to find a suitable match. People already possessing the traits and character compatible with our values and needs. Not someone we have to reconstruct and rebuild to suit ourselves. He will change if he wants to.
Men are human beings. We have minds and wills of our own. Not rescue pets you can retrain, put on a leash, and make them obey your commands.
You took him back after you broke-up. Usually, that's a mistake; because you'll be dealing with the same problems (and worse), if nobody has changed. If you take somebody back, you must set a trial or probationary-period before you officially reinstate the relationship. If you see no change after X-amount of time; end it and move on.
You just gave-in to your weakness or fears; because you couldn't deal with the feelings of detachment, withdrawal from your addiction to him; and letting-go of someone familiar, or predictable. Hating the thought of him finding another woman. Maybe you're too lazy and insecure to get back out there in the dating-world. You're settling for whatever; because at least you know him.
You wrote DC, hoping and waiting for someone to give you a magic formula for a miraculous change.
If you believe in miracles; that's God's profession. If you have an inkling of faith, or was ever taught how to worship; then you can pray for him. Ask the one and only Being in the Universe who can change people, to change him. If God has decided he is not right for you; he will not change him. He will convince you to leave him for someone better. God won't change anybody for you; until you've changed yourself. So there's a catch. He's not a genie who grants wishes. That's an insult and blasphemous attitude towards who God is. He wants only whats best for us, because He loves us. He wants us to be smart and use discernment when choosing partners.
Why is he still your fiance if you're so miserable? Why did you accept his proposal? His pot-smoking isn't something new, and that's for certain. If he's in his 30's also, this has been a habit he has had for a long-time. If he can't give it up, it may be because he's addicted.
There's an echo in the room: "Break-up!"
I know you will keep looking for that post that is going to tell you how to change him; and ignore me and others that won't tell you what you want to hear. Reality is the best teacher and motivator I know. You'll keep fighting the truth until you give into it.
You're mature and experienced enough in life to know better. You're not a teen or some 20-something year-old; who has little experience in life. You know a thing or two. Your complaining and misery is your own fault. For repeating a mistake; and having it in your head that you have some right to change people. To have the expectation that people ought to be what you want them to be.
Gather your courage. Develop the determination that you deserve and will have exactly the kind of man you want.
You must decide if you should continue in this relationship; knowing he is happy with his life. He is showing no signs that he will change for your sake. Your nagging and moaning isn't getting to him. So you've got to do what you've got to do. Stay and accept him for whom he is, or let him go! If you want to stay, you have no right to complain. You have no right to decide what he should or shouldn't do.
You can't change him. You can change yourself, your environment, and your circumstances. You've got a lot of power. Use it!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 February 2019):
 Like Chigirl said, HE ISN'T going to change. You might WANT him to but HE doesn't.
Getting married won't change anything either.
HE is who he is. A boring stoner. Basically.
So YOU have to decide IS that who I really want to BE with? You two broke up a year ago for a little while and then got back together, YET nothing has changed. HOW long do you want to WASTE your life on a man who isn't the kind of partner you ACTUALLY want?
WHY settle for this "boring stoner"?
He keep making promises, and you keep LYING to yourself thinking he will change. But he won't, HE would have changed YEARS ago, IF he had wanted to. HE has had no reason to change. You are still there. He still has a job and a place to live. So getting stoned every day after work doesn't really seem to be something he HAS to change (in his eyes). You might say he should but really... YOU have enabled this for as long as you have stayed with him.
If you want MORE out of a partner/relationship that HE can give you, then HE isn't the right man for you. YOU already know that. You just haven't done what you NEED to do and end it.
Sorry, OP HE WILL NOT change. He doesn't WANT to change. He wants to live like a teenager get stoned, play video games and sleep on the couch than live AS AN adult with you. You are in your 30's.
Let me guess, you cook and clean too? So you are "mommy".
WANT more for yourself. Like adventure, a sex-life, someone to explore the World around with, build a future with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019): What you need to do is leave as I've been in same situation and you will always second place with a pothead that's all they care about. Being lazy smoking pot they don't seem to care for the outdoor life at all. I was so miserable too. I left him and I met the love of my life who goes and does everything with me and has taken me on so many romantic holidays.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 February 2019):
 Suggestion: break up. This isn't going to change. Not a chance. It's been 5 years, if he wanted change you would have seen it a long time ago. If you're not happy, then you must take responsibility for your own happiness and end this relationship. Its not good for you, its not what you want and its not what you need. Now you just need to do what is required, and be single.
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