A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Im so miserable in my marriage, but I feel I have no energy to leave. We both went through together lots of challenges also a recent tragedy. We loved each other, but our life had many unbelievable challenges, and now we both feel burned out. He is a workaholic, not interested in any intimacy ,trying to escape to work. Few years ago, he was very different. Very sensual and caring. I respect him ,that he didn't let me down, and he was with me in all this difficult times. But now we live like room mates. And nothing works what I tried. Getting in shape, spice up things. He does not want to go to therapist again. He went before, and they told him it is a burnout, but he is not making any changes,he works even more. I hope I could describe the situation well. So my big issue is, I can't take it anymore, that he is not showing any affection or interest in me. Yet,I feel so trapped, as I have no energy for a big nasty divorce, and I just slowly healing from a personal tragedy what happened to us just a year ago. Not a good time to leave, yet very hard to stay. Is there any good advice for this sad situation? Thanks
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 April 2012):
 It sounds like to me that you are dealing with a lot right now. Before you make any decisions about your marriage, I think you need to take some time to yourself to help sort things out. You may be suffering from mild depression that could be coloring your view of your relationship with your husband. When one suffers from depression, everything feels oppressing and sad.
Have you thought about taking some time together and going on vacation? Sometimes a week away to some pleasant destination can work wonders. Surely there is some place in this world that you'd like to see or experience. Have you tried a date night where you and your husband go out and do something special? Even if it feels like a chore, go through the motions. Just a change in a routine can breathe new life into one's life (we tend to fall into ruts).
Finally, you may find it useful to go to counseling yourself. You can work on your grief and get a fresh perspective on what you want out of your relationship and what you want out of your life. Perhaps, the counselor will be able to give you the strength to see things are either irreparable or fixable. In addition, you can explore other opportunities that involve your self-satisfaction that doesn't involve your husband.
Ultimately, we make or break our own lives. It is up to us to find things that make us happy. I'd urge you to find solutions and find things that make you feel good about yourself again. It may take some trial and error, but there is a solution for you out there. I'd urge you to make some new friends and find ways to connect with people. Your outlook on life will improve immensely.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): Go to a friend who is supportive of you getting divorced - do you have any friends who have themselves been through divorce and are now better off for it? Tell them you want to leave your husband and ask them to hold you accountable. Being held accountable to your words can help you to have the energy to follow through.
Another thing is some times you just have to do things even though you really don't have the energy to do it. But you do it anyway and slog through it, or at least do what you can in that direction, and then later on the energy will come to you. Taking action is sometimes what sparks motivation, not the other way round.
in the end, since your husband isn't doing anything to change himself back into someone who is part of a marriage, you have two choices: stay like this, or leave and face the scary unknown. For now it's easier to stay. If so, then continue that. when the burden of staying becomes too difficult to bear, then you will find more strength to leave. But then again, it might never happen because you might simply acclimate to this miserable situation so you can stay forever. Lots of people stay in unhappy marriages for their entire lives until they die. Only you can decide where the bottom line is for you, and whether you have reached it. If you stop thinking about divorce as being this "big nasty" thing, you will lose a lot of the fear that is holding you back.
And to the first female anon who is trapped in her marriage: yes you are trapped, because YOU are trapping yourself. Other people's words and attitude do not inherently have power over you except because you let them. You are living for other people (who don't have your interests at heart) and trying to be a crowd pleaser, which is why you are miserable and unable to act on your own behalf. You are dependent on other people's support and approval, that is why you can't break out and improve your life. It is no wonder the other man has not stepped up to the plate. You're still married and not budging from your marriage, so what message is this sending to that new man? Why should he 'step up to the plate' for a woman who isn't serious about him since she's still hanging onto her husband? since you're the one who's married (you didn't mention if he also is so I assume he isn't), it's YOUR responsibility to make the first move, which is removing the biggest and most obvious barrier to any new relationship with you i.e. your current marital status. If you get divorced then you are proving that you are serious about starting a new life and finding a new partner. Then eligible men will take you seriously.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 divorce doesn't have to be nasty.just do it lowkey. moving out is the hardest bit. once one of you moves out you can start organising your own lives. be careful about the asset split or there will be arguements, its best to write everything. keep the lawyers out of it altogether. lawyers do create arguments. once you get out on your own your life will gradually evolve into a happier situation. who knows maybe you'll find someone else, but the main thing is to find yourself.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 April 2012):
 I am concerned when you said you have a personal tragedy that happened to you both maybe his overwork is one of the ways to deal with the trauma. You should go to your own therapist too so he/she could explain to you what he is going through also and how to help him to open up about his feelings. Intimacy is the greatest healer and unfortunately your husband looks at it as a chore because what happened must be really bad and he is locked in a fight or flight mode still.
Not to mention that there are many possibilities why your husband is escaping. Some of them mid life crisis, erectile dysfunction, and an affair at work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2012): I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am in a very similar situation. Married for 16 years. Been with my husband for 20. We have a child together. He is my one and only.
I know in my heart that this marriage has run its course and that I am done. But I am getting significant pressure from my family to remain in the marriage for my child's sake, because it is the "right" thing to do and because my husband is such "a good guy." Everybody thinks I would be crazy to leave and are not supporting me in any way, shape or form in my decision. Last I checked it is my life and I know how I feel. They don't. I have had to be very strong but I have been crumbling under the strain of this situation.
And the worst part is I am trapped and I feel trapped. I am in a state of depression because of this. Nobody would give me a place to stay if I wanted to leave. My husband is going on about how bad a mom I am, how awful a person I am and the emotional abuse I suffer everyday is indescribable. He threatens to take my son away from me if there was a separation. I cannot leave because I am a stay at home mom and I do not have the money to support myself and my child. All of our combined money is gone because we had significant debt due to our son's medical condition. So there would be nothing for either of us if we separated.
Add to this I am in love with another man. My heart is with the other man and will never again be with my husband. The other man has not stepped up to the plate and I do not know where I stand with him. So I have decided to cut ties with him a couple of days ago. I have been an emotional wreak. Non stop crying. The works.
I know that I still do not want to be with my husband even though I have had to leave this other man behind. I feel so unbelievably lonely and alone. I have not slept in the same bed as my husband for over a year. We have not been intimate in over a year. And I have absolutely no desire for intimacy with him. He repulses me.
We have been to therapy and I don't feel the therapy is really helping any. I feel like we are grasping at straws. I am just pretending and going through the motions. I am being pressured by my family to stay, my husband keeps pressuring me to committ to our marriage while the whole time I am unravelling emotionally because I am in love with another man and now heartbroken that I cannot be with him.
Talk about an impossible situation. So I do empathize with you. I understand completely. It is not easy to get out of a marriage, especially a long term one and where children are involved. There is nothing harder, especially when nobody understands and wants to support you. My parents prefer I stay unhappily married because "our family does not believe in divorce."
My heart is torn apart and I feel I deserve so much more. I am worthy of so much more and yet must live my life in misery and suffer in silence.
I have no idea what to do either.
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