A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am married with 4 kids. My husband and I had a child when I was 16. He was no where to be found , untill he showed up on my door step when my child was 4 and I had another by someone else. 3 days later we got bacj together and have been ever since. This was 6 years ago. We have been married for 1. While I was pregnant from my 3rd child (his second) I knew it wouldn't work out, but stayed in the relationship anyway. He doen't cheat, smoke, drink, do drugs, hang out, hit me, or anything illegal. He works hard to provide for him family. But I am not in love with him anymore, if I ever was. He is a shallow not too bright kinda guy who has no friends, hates almost everything and everyone, is a bit racist, and can be flat out mean sometimes. I love people, have tons of friends, and always try to look at the brighter side of things and look at thinks from different angels to make them work. I am very open minded, but I think It's time to stick a fork in our marriage. Now about my HS sweetheart. I was always had feelings for him since I was 15, I am now 27. He are very good frinds and have always been that way. We would do anything for eachother. But he doesn't know how I feel about him. I am not wanting to leave my husband because of him. I want to leave my husband because I don't lve him anymore. I would like to have a relationship with my HS Sweetheart, but I don't know if the feelings are mutual. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (23 October 2007):
 I have read your last post hon and I see why you have reservations about being with your husband. Your husband needs some professional help it seems. He could be suffering from some type of mental or emotional condition. The cursing and neglect he seems to place upon his family is not a good thing for you or the children.
You might need professional help as well along with the children to deal with the effects of the situation. If the HS sweetheart is a comfort to you please just be careful. How you allow him into your life could also complicate your custody of the children in case you should decide to leave.
Any form of abuse should not be tolerated toward your children Period! You are the adult and have to protect them. Ask your husband to get professional help again. If he refuses then you must make a decision based on your best judgement for yourself and your children.
I pray that God will help you to make the correct one. If you can save your marriage that is good if not I hope it all works out for you to the best interest of everyone concerned.
God bless you all.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 October 2007):
 It's up to you, but whatever decision you make, look at the whole picture. What happens when someone leaves a marriage and goes immediately with someone else? Your children learn from you. Being a single parent is not that bad. I've been a single parent (not married) for 12 years. I had a couple of long term relationships. Out of 12 years I've been completely single for 5 1/2 years. It's been over a year since I've even had a date. I absolutely love it. There is no greater relationship than a parent and child.
Being a single parent, I am independent, not dependent. My children too learn it's not a must to have someone here. I take great care of them, I also don't have conflicts on how to raise them either. I can drop everything and go to the park, pick a place for dinner, we take turn deciding what we're going to have at the house for dinner. My daughter helps me prepare meals and sets the table, and I get my lovins every morning and every night. To me that's life, but not just any life it's a better life than I could have ever asked for.
I may choose someone down the road to share my life with, but when I do, it will be for all the right reasons, and not an attachment or need.
I'm not saying your reasons are not justified, but would you benefit your kids more with this other person, or being single where they can see and learn their strength off yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I didn't give all the details to the story so let me add. My husband and I have 3 kids, the first third and fourth. (my HS sweetheart and I have no kids) He (my husband) also has a child from another woman (she's 16). He doesn't care about his 16 year old and can't stand my 9 year old who has a small handicap. Our oldest doesn't have a loving relationship with him either, he is cold towards her most of the time. Believe me I have been thinking about my kids. This is why I am so torn. He adores the two youngest, and the other 2 are on the bottom of the food chain. I understand others may not agree, but I feel like this may just be the right decision, not only for me, but for the kids as well. I don't want them to hear him cursing at me, or having him curse at the older ones either. This other guy (my HS sweetheart) is someone who has always been there for me to back me up. While my husband can't say the same. I had suggested counciling a few years ago when we were engaged. He says that he hasn't done anything wrong, that I am the one with the problem. Also to RCN you responded to a post before that I posted privately about how my husband acts with my oldest and my disabled daughter. So I think this may change your opinion just a bit. I understand that marriage is a commitment, but I feel like the relationship is one sided. I'm so confused.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (22 October 2007):
You are tired of the relationship you have as you seem to be picking him apart with criticism. However you also say that this man "doesn't cheat, smoke, drink, do drugs, hang out, hit me, or anything illegal.
He works hard to provide for his family." Now no one is perfect and those are good qualities. His short commings though they may be many could be small problems when weighed against the good things about him.
Please be sure that what you think you have with the old love is greater when in comparison with your husband. Letting go of someone who has those good qualities is rare this day and time.
Marriage takes work and commitment. Please consider your marriage vows. Think about how the ex will view you if you leave your husband for him. He may tend to believe that you would do the same to him in time.
Think about how the first love left and you were alone to take care of the first child. How the husband you have now is taking care of all of the children now. Many things can be said about someone who is willing to work and support children that aren't his legaly or otherwise.
Suppose the ex love can't handle supporting a big family and you are left alone again , this time with 4 small children to fend for. It isn't about you anymore hon, you have 4 children who will be affected greatly by what decision you make.
Take the time to reflect and get your thoughts in order. Remember the good times with both along with the bad. Make mental notes or if you need put them on paper. Don't rush into anything and remember that Love and marriage are both two way streets. It takes two in all things and sometimes little things could be overlooked for a peaceful and loving family life.
Re evaluate all that you know and feel about your husband for what God had put together let not man put asunder. Pray for God's will and ask him to strenghten you so you can make the right decision. Your children are counting on you. As you the child of God can count on him. Bless you and your family. Godspeed.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 October 2007):
I'm sure you didn't think everyone was going to agree with your choice. Why if it's your feeling you need others who aren't in your situation to give you direction? The only thing I can think of is you know all those who would be affected by your decision.
When I make decisions, having children myself, I always ask: How does this decision benefit my children? Is what I want selfish and fulfilling my desire, and does my decision benefit the positive mental and physical growth of my children.
When you're married and have children, there is no room for self beneficial, or desire prompted decisions. They have to be based on the best interest of your children. Throughout your question you said "I need" "i want", not "my children need."
If you do decide to leave in this self serving manner, at least have psychologists lined up, I can almost guarantee one or more of your children will need to take advantage of their services. I have seen so many disorders arise in children because of these "parental" decisions.
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