A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a married woman having an affair with a married man that I have reconnected with from college. I am in love with him and he says he is in love with me, but seems to not want to commit to a timeframe for leaving his wife. His elderly father has passed away that he was caring for and that was an original reason for not getting together. He has a job and also a car wash on the side, and says he can't leave that. We live about an hour apart and get together most every weekend. I have issues about wondering if we ever will get together and also about him preferring a blow job over sex, which I get nothing out of. Once that happens, he is usually ready to leave. He also doesn't spend money on me, and is adamant about no one finding out about us. I guess I'm stupid and need help in trying to end it.
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (3 November 2012):
 You are being used for sex and sex is an escape from his problems. Clearly it's all about him since he prefers oral sex over the real thing. Probably in his mind, that's not really 'cheating' so he can still go home afterwards and sleep with his wife. No, it's never going to go anywhere. No he does not love you. He loves what you give him. He is telling you what you want to hear, so you'll keep giving him blow jobs. Wake up. This is not worth jeopardizing your marriage, even if it was exciting at the beginning. You have already identified some serious issues and now you need to pull the plug. Why would you want to be his "good time" when you're getting nothing out of it?
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 November 2012):
 He's most likely quite content with his marriage except the wife doesn't like giving him blow jobs so he found someone who will...you. But know this, after he leaves you, he goes home and says "Hi sweetheart what's for dinner?" and nuzzles her neck and pats her behind. Then later on, after a nice meal, and maybe their favorite TV program, they go to bed and he rings all her bells.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): I'm going to hold my tongue in terms of calling you out on all the wrong you have been causing (as best I can), and try to just give you advice.Firstly, you are getting very little out of this relationship. You are going through a phase that affects many women (I will put a website address at the end of this, and I suggest you read that even if you don't read the rest of my answer). You became bored with your husband/life or unhappy with one or both due to something. This new guy came into your life and became a light at the end of the tunnel; something to latch onto as a means of escapism, and for a time, I'm sure you were on top of the world. But let's look at the current reality.He has shown no intentions of leaving his wife for you. In fact, he has stated that he can't afford to lose his car wash (which means that even if he wanted to, he really can't/won't. He meets with you once a week for blow jobs, gives you no sexual gratification, and then leaves. Mrs. Anonymous, you are, by definition, his chick on the side. You give him what he wants, and you get nothing from it. He has you right where he wants you, in fact. You are insecure about yourself and both of your relationships, and can't afford to say anything to his wife, because it'll come back to you and your husband, leaving you without anyone (I'm sure you've thought about this long and hard, and it's the facts), and at your age, it'd be rather taxing to start over.Quite frankly, you brought this on yourself, and my honest, truest advice (that I would give to my own flesh and blood if this were to happen) is that you truly need to leave this man, because it is only causing you further pain and stress (why else would you resort to coming here?) rather than alleviating those feelings. Ask yourself this question. Is this where you pictured yourself at ANY age? The unfaithful spouse, cheating with another man who is also unfaithful to his spouse? To be the dirty little secret to a guy just using you for some nookie on the side (probably because he's not getting it at home)? You may even be one of many other women he is/has cheated with.And finally, please, PLEASE think of your own husband (and children if you have any). I'm sure there is more to this than you could ever write on a simple website in a few short paragraphs, but even if your husband has been distant, disinterested (in sex or you) lately, he's still with you. People get used to one another. People grow apart, but he's still here. He's with you. He probably loves you and trusts you. The worst thing you can do to a man that loves and trusts you is to betray him and (possibly worse yet) to play him for a fool. No one, man or woman, deserves that. You once vowed to be with him for better or worse and to cling to his side through it all, and judging by your age-range, you've had a long life together. Why would you ruin it now? If there's nothing left to save, then maybe divorce or separation is what you need. Whether or not you can "afford" life alone is irrelevant. He DESERVES to know where his wife of so-and-so years sees the relationship going.I suggest that after you end this affair (call or text or email, DO NO meet with him), that you sit down with your husband, come clean about everything that's been going on, and ask for forgiveness and perhaps counseling. Explain your reasons honestly, but DO NOT attack him by saying it was because he did or didn't do things right. Get your life back on track. If divorce is what's needed, then that's what's needed, but you know this way of life isn't working. I hope you and your husband can reconcile and work through this together and come out of it stronger as a couple.Here is the website: http://womensinfidelity.com/It is written by a woman, and you can also buy the book if it really speaks to you. I hope you learn something from it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 November 2012):
You are so obviously being used by this man. Yes, you should stop seeing him.
Moreover, perhaps the time has come for you to entirely look at your life. You are a married woman, and you should either be with your husband, or you should be making plans to leave you can live your own life. I think deep down this affair with this man is just making up for the fact that you life clearly isn't where you want it to be right now.
Stop the affair, and stop letting this man use you. Then take a good look at your life, and decide what you want to do with it. Either you#re a married woman who's committed to her husband, and finding yourself. Or you're someone who needs to divorce and find herself.
Stop using this affair to cover the cracks in your life.
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A
female
reader, super-dolly +, writes (3 November 2012):
 when you love someone you do your best to please them. you will please him but how does he please you back. yeah you cheated on your husband we don't know your history but the bottom line is if someone loves you they would want to do things to please you they care about your needs in bed they care about how you feel and they do buy you things. you know yourself this isn't healthy and i bet you were just looking for some extra excitement but i would stop this while its not that complicated. im sorry that you fell in love with someone who wants to use you like this it really sucks.r
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Admit to yourself that you've made a huge mistake. Accept that he's just been using you. And then decide if you want to stay married. Doesn't your husband deserve better? And it is easy to end 'IT' - stop!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Q: What's in it for him?
A: Regular blow jobs.
Q: What's in it for you
A: Nothing
There is no sexual gratification for you, you are having to creep around keeping things a secret because thats what he wants, you give him blow jobs, because thats what he wants, you dont get satisfied sexually, because he doesn't care about that, you dont cost him anything, and he has said he doesn't want to lose his job or car wash (in other words wont risk divorce settlement).
So, now you tell me what you get out of this affair.
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