A
female
age
30-35,
*uper-dolly
writes:okay im sorry this isn't an interesting one guys but if i dont speak to someone i'm going to explode and i bet all my friends and family are sick of me. i met this guy 8 months ago off the internet and he was perfect we had been speaking on the internet for like 4-5 months before we met and we had this really good connection. i even took his virginity and we became best friends and i loved him genuinley loved him after my x abusive boyfriend i felt like the happiest woman in the world. sure sometimes he was really immature he would say things that men who have been in relationships would say 'yes dear' 'no dear' i.e do you fancy her! last week it was the anniversary of my nans death before this we had been fighting but it was his fault and he would always beg for me back. i childishly snapped over something because i missed my nan and she raised me and i just gave him all this abuse. i said were over and for the first time in our relationship he said fine. i said i didnt mean it and stupidly begged for him back. he agreed hed see how i treated him the next week. all week i was this perfect understanding girlfriend and he was off with me. and then he said he would spice up our sex life by sending me a dirty text. but instead he started things off and then ignored me for hours. he went to his mates that night instead of seeing me which i had no problem with but he was meant to be spicing things up. then from 21:00 to 16:00 the next day i didnt hear a word i was worried about him he always texts when he eventually bothered to answer the phone he said his fone had ran out of charge at work- he got into work like late afternoon so he had all that time to text. i called him a selfish bastard as soon as i said it i said sorry for calling u a bastard but your actions were selfish. he rang me and he said that he couldnt cope anymore. i kept asking him what he couldnt cope with but he wouldnt answer me it went on like this all night. until he said we are going round in circles i love u this has been the best year of my life but were over. i of course cried hysterically down the fone asked why he was doing this to me and said he doesnt no how depressed iv been my hormones are everywere i told him i needed help. He just said if u do something stupid I'll call an ambulance and then said goodbye we are over. i told him i wasnt tryin to guilt him i just needed my best friend and my boyfriend to come down and discuss things because i feel like i have no control of the situation. thats the last i have heard from him its been a week and a day now and i feel broken inside he wont return my calls hes changed his number he has blocked my emails. i even attempted to go round and see him i even told him i am ill please dont waste my time be in. and he cudnt even text back and say he was out. so my question is do you think he will ever come back from what i have told you? because this pain reli is too much. he was my best friend in the whole wide world and i would do anything to talk to him again even tho he has deeply hurt me by ignoring me we were together a long time and the weekend before we even went out for a meal and he kindly cleaned my car. i just want him back.
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female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 I'm sorry you didn't receive the advice you wanted. I did want to add still that I have been in a similar situation as you are now going through. My first boyfriend and I had a relationship like this one. Very tumultuous, talked about breaking up, fought etc. Then one time I mentioned breaking up he actually agreed. I was floored, tried to take it back, apologized. Didn't matter, it was done. After some time we agreed to try again, which lasted about a few weeks. He had already checked out emotionally- as I think your boyfriend did. He was trying but not 100% in it anymore. So just as you went through, one little tiff set him off and it was done for good. Can't remember exactly what I said but at the time it didn't warrant the ending of the relationship in my opinion.
I can see now looking back on it after years of dating others and growing up (I was also always very mature for my age) that it wasn't one thing that set him off. We just didn't work. We fought and didn't get along which built animosity from him over time. I am an emotional person so I didn't see it, I loved him just the same regardless of what was said between us. You are correct in that your "bastard" comment isn't enough to warrant a break up in a healthy relationship, but you were already broken. This go round was a final try to see if you could make it together and he was on his last legs, that sent it over the edge. I'm not saying it is anyone's fault, it is what it is.
I don't think he will be coming back. As my ex does, your ex will always think of your relationship negatively. I maintained for a long time that he was as much as fault as I was for the break up, he was an ass etc, and everyone agreed. But of course with time I just didn't care anymore and I can see it for what it was now, a relationship that didn't work out. It hurts now but of course you will be okay. Time heals all wounds. It's hard to move on from someone you love but if you keep busy and no contact with him it will inevitably happen, you won't care anymore. I think you received good advice with needing to grow up to understand more, I don't think you need counseling. I don't mean it in a negative way but as mature as you feel we all have growing up to around the age of 19. I sure did.
A
female
reader, super-dolly +, writes (4 November 2012):
super-dolly is verified as being by the original poster of the question i don't think i will post on here again. i have found some advice quite nice but i don't need to be told im in the wrong i have asked everyone i know and people that have told me the truth about everything even ex boyfriends who would tell me the brutal truth and they have told me i'm not in the wrong. this posting has made me feel much worse than i felt before.
before you post stuff again realise when you are just being unrealistic maybe its a cultural thing but where i come from alot of people swear in every other sentance. thanks dearcupid for making me feel worse about my problem
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Why dont you go out and learn some social skills. You may be less dependent on dating sites then. While you are at it "do" get some anger management lessons too, because in life not everyone will say what you want to hear and if you cant hear that then god help you.
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A
female
reader, super-dolly +, writes (4 November 2012):
super-dolly is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni just want to thank people for giving their honest opinion.
i am very mature for my age normally i have a career that requires maturity im more mature than every friend i have! i guess this breakup is just sending me a bit crazy.
i did take full responsibility for my actions and did everything in my power to get him back - and no that doesnt mean he was a possesion that means that i have messed up and i am the one to try and win him over. i just stated about him taking me for a meal and cleaning my car because it was so lovely of him and then the minute he got home he turned cold and distant.
i am boring myself i hate the fact i can't concentrate on anything at all. but thats life i guess you just have to pick urself up and make the best of yourself. perhaps il take up running on my days when i should have seen him =]
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A
male
reader, Young and in Love +, writes (4 November 2012):
 Hello. First poster here. Okay, let's get things straight, miss. I couldn't care less about you swearing. Swearing doesn't mean you have anger issues. It COULD mean someone had tourettes syndrome (which I am not saying you have). I said you need counseling for anger because you "snap". You even admitted it in your response to me. You even went so far as to call me out on it for 5 paragraphs. If one simple statement (that I sincerely meant only out of concern for you) can make you got on a rant about how I'm judging you, being of no help, and "clearrrrlly don't have the slightest idea about human behaviour", then I'm sorry, but in my personal opinion, you have anger issues, and need to seek a therapeutic way of dealing with it, whether that be in an office or in an art/music class.
Did I attack you like the "Anonymous male reader" above your response did? No. I offered you my advice. I'm here to give you the truth, and try to help you so you don't end up feeling this kind of pain again. I'm not going to baby you like the other "Agony Aunts" who tell you to "move on" or "keep busy". That's useless advice. You'll move on, meet someone else, snap one day (or repeatedly), and end up in the same position later on. I say this because I've seen friends make the same mistakes over and over until it tears their relationship apart. If this doesn't happen to you, then wonderful. I don't wish you any malice, and I truthfully hope you understand that.
But this does not change my advice to you. You say that "calling someone a 'selfish bastard' does not grant the break up of a relationship"? In who's eyes? And if not that, then what does? There's no rule book for love and relationships. Clearly it ended yours, and if you've learned one thing from this experience, it should have been to find a way to calmly express yourself even when you're angry. Which based on your attack on me, you have yet to realize. You need to mature. I know you're not going to like me saying that, and you may even think less of me for it, but I promise you I say this as my opinion on the matter (and apparently the Anonymous male thinks the same thing). I hope you find peace with yourself and I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. I hope you extend the same sentiment to me, but if not, my hopes for you will remain the same. Good luck in your future relationships, and may you find closure in your recent relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012): Sometimes it just doesn't work between two people, no ones fault.
You have made mistakes, we all do. Stop thinking about him for a minute and think about you. You have driven him away, and you need to take a step back and think about it. He is only a person at the end of the day, and you can't make him happy if your not happy, if it's meant to be, he will be back, you need to Be clear headed and peaceful.
Perhaps send him a letter asking him to meet you somewhere in a few weeks, and use that time to sort your head out. I wish you lots of luck x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): "so my question is do you think he will ever come back from what i have told you?"
No.
"because this pain reli is too much. he was my best friend in the whole wide world and i would do anything to talk to him again even tho he has deeply hurt me by ignoring me"
The pain you've caused him by your thoughtless and selfish actions exacerbated by your complete and total refusal to accept any responsibility and take any ownership for your actions is much, much worse and much, much deeper than any "pain" you may think you're feeling.
"we were together a long time and the weekend before we even went out for a meal and he kindly cleaned my car."
Now you have to eat by yourself at home and you have to drive to the car wash or else clean your own car. Oh, the tragedy! Oh, the humanity! Too bleeping bad.
"i just want him back."
He is not "just" and he is not a commodity to be possessed.
If you don't stop whining and yapping, then your friends and family are going to be a lot more than sick of you, they will actively avoid you like the plague and you will have to listen to yourself talk, and YOU will soon be sick of yourself.
You have a lot of growing up and maturing to do, very possibly beyond your capacity to understand and comprehend at this time and possibly the long-term future.
Give it a rest, give him some peace, give your friends and family reasons not to actively dislike you.
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A
female
reader, super-dolly +, writes (3 November 2012):
super-dolly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe actually was a selfish bastard first poster dont tell me i need anger management who are you to judge me.
you don't get how hes treated me it may not be clear to you guys. he ignored me for days and when he eventually got in touch i snapped. since the last time he ignored me he got into serious danger.
yes im human i can snap first poster maybe you should realise that. im asuming you aren't the brightest by telling me i need counselling grow up everyone swears. do you know what i went to his house ill to try and speak to him i apologised ten million times and he wouldn't even visit someones grave with me for moral support thats why hes selfish i don't know why i bother answering to try and help people when you are telling me i need the counselling. i suggest you stop watching stupid chat shows.
thankyou other posters. but to tell me i need anger management and counselling over swearing at someone clearly clearrrrlly you don't have the slightest idea about human behaviour. i lost the guy i loved and today i realise that so try not to kick a girl when shes down. the best advice i can give anyone going through what i am going through calling someone a selfish bastard does not grant the break up of a relationship. when two people aren't suited they aren't suited and nothing you do and say can change that life is not black and white. arguements happen people swear and for some reason it doesnt work out when two people love eachother they both have to just let go and have happy memories. i wished my x boyfriend the best life he could possibly have i told him to remember to not let the world get him down and to always remember he will be loved.
suggestions for posters on this site: don't tell random people they need counselling. i am broken hearted but my relationships may be unhealthy guess what atleast over 50% of relationships out their are unhealthy because we are human we make mistakes and life like i said before is not right or wrong.
i will be the best person i can be from this and he will be. thats how u survive u learn and you improve urself. i don't need someone telling me what i already know and counsellors aren't the answer you are the answer you look at urself and u learn what needs fixing and u fix it i giv my best to people i look after i give my best to the people i love and never in a million years did i expect to be cut out of someones life who i would have given my own life for
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): Sounds like he is really trying his best to move on from you. You might wanna let him go as clearly he doesnt feel the same way you feel about him. Stop fussing over him and make yourself busy:pursue hobbies,work out,learn a new language,etc to get your mind off him. Good men will always come by. And maybe when your ex sees you being sensible and doing something positive, he will come back and if he's worth it you can try again. Otherwise you've presented yourself as an emotional clingy girlfriend and he really cant run away far enough. Get your life in order first before you get involved with someone.
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A
female
reader, Lucious L  +, writes (3 November 2012):
Hi there
Something is not clear here, what exactly did he do when u first dumped him that was actually 'his fault'? I can't put my finger on what exactly is going on hear as I think there's a lot ur not telling us. I'm not sure if I should say you should be concerned about him not calling you when he was with friends but to me this doesn't sound like a 'good boyfriend' I mean any girlfriend would appreciate being called when he's with friends especially after that tough patch u guys just went through. I could be wrong though, so please clear this up with me. About ur question 'will he come back?', well, I believe if he really does love you he would give you another chance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems rather bleak. Men don't enjoy being treated unkindly, especially when they don't deserve it. The day you "gave him all the abuse" was like a death sentence for the relationship. And for you to go as far as to say that you were over, pushed it even further.
This kind of thing puts a stain on the relationship, and by calling him a "selfish bastard" when he had all the right to distance himself from you, is just proving my point. If you want him back, you'll have to speak with him in person, and apologize, and tell him you'll seek counseling (which you should seek regardless). You seem to have a lot of anger issues inside of you. I think you need to learn how to release them in healthier ways. Good luck.
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