A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here's the situation. I love my ex. I always have and know I always will. Always felt he is the love of my life. We recently acknowledge our true feelings. Problem is I'm married. Miscommunications and a broken heart lead me to my husband to marry someone I not sure I like. It was stupid, but truth is I feared being alone and most of the time I feel sorry him. I know that sounds really bad. I care for him, wish him no harm, but have always felt I pity him and I knew he loved me. But as time passes, his love feels more like a need. a need to have me and control me. maybe out of fear of him being alone. I knew how I felt when I said my vows but was too scared to back out of it. How can I back out at the last minute or at all? It just seemed too impossible. If only I could go back in time. But I hoped I would learn to love him and love would grow. The only thing that grew was a family. Now with 2 young kids 6 years into marriage, I'm left still loving my ex and thinking of him daily. He loves me and we are best friends and we have been friends for many many years. It's really sad to say that because the spouse should be your best friend. I hurt because a rash decision on my part has me trapped in marriage with someone I do not love and maybe only like a little. This is pure turmoil. How do I get through this without this serrously affecting my girls? Any suggestions. Please feel free to say what you will. I appreciated honesty. And am very open to Christian advice.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 June 2008):
 We hear how you feel. How does your husband feel. Is he seeing your marriage as something that can be worked on, or is he seeing the end of the tunnel approaching as well.
Marriage can be stressful, rasing kids, bills, responsabilities in and out of the home. Marriage can also be an amazing experience. I've spoke with many married people, and love hearing stories of those who've been married for 40+ years. I wanted to find out, how they do it. What I found is:
Marriage is a commitment. Raising kids is a commitment. Work is a commitment. All other responsabilities are commitments. What they seem to realize is, marriage is a commitment by itsself. Marriage is not raising kids, or paying bills, or going to work. It needs separate attention, just as all other commitments do.
I also found, "true" love is a choice, not a feeling, all though feelings may enhance it. The problems are when we place limits on our choice. You love your children. When they act up, break rules, get really upset with you running off to their room to listen to their version of music, you still love them.
I heard a powerful statement. When you get divorced, you also divorce your children. You do so because when visitation is set up, you're saying your marriage was so bad you're willing to at least give up 1/3 of the year without your child. Plus the counseling appointments for those who have a hard time with it and develop "divorced parents syndrom." You need to remember, children often blame themselves for their parents separation. Telling them it's not their fault only works to a point. They also experience blame in a way that they didn't have the power to keep their parents together.
There must have been a time you enjoyed being married to him. It takes some work, but you could have that again. I know people deserve to be happy. There are sometimes where I don't recommend a marriage remain. Such as "adultry", "addiction", or "abuse". But other than those factors, I believe marriages can be saved, and it's a blessing to their children and family when they are.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts. alot of time passed and nothing really solved. I believe the marriage is over and in the process of accepting it. Everyday passes I realize how much my friend is really the love of my life. Don't know what will happen, but the problem lies within the marriage whether the outside love was present or not. I will not rushing into anything and will be taking my time. The question is not really if I could find happiness with the ex. It's really if it was possible I could find it with my husband. And it doesn't look good. If theres a remote chance of that, I'd give the marriage another chance despite the feelings I have for the 'other guy'. Need to find the best solution for the girls and for me. Surely don't want to be the guy who kindly posted and shared his own experience here, feelin screwed years later knowing I could have found happiness much earlier. I won't be rushing either to moving into any new relationships. The girls will need time to adjust. I've realized that I'm not doing this to be only be with the 'other guy', I'm doing this to leave an unhappy life. For anyone whose going thru this you have think if it's better you to stay than be alone. If it's fear of being alone that's making you stay that's just not good enough. I see I was alone even tho I stayed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts. alot of time passed and nothing really solved. I believe the marriage is over and in the process of accepting it. Everyday passes I realize how much my friend is really the love of my life. Don't know what will happen, but the problem lies within the marriage whether the outside love was present or not. I will not rushing into anything and will be taking my time. The question is not really if I could find happiness with the ex. It's really if it was possible I could find it with my husband. And it doesn't look good. If theres a remote chance of that, I'd give the marriage another chance despite the feelings I have for the 'other guy'. Need to find the best solution for the girls and for me. Surely don't want to be the guy who kindly posted and shared his own experience here, feelin screwed years later knowing I could have found happiness much earlier. I won't be rushing either to moving into any new relationships. The girls will need time to adjust. I've realized that I'm not doing this to be only be with the 'other guy', I'm doing this to leave an unhappy life. For anyone whose going thru this you have think if it's better you to stay than be alone. If it's fear of being alone that's making you stay that's just not good enough. I see I was alone even tho I stayed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): I recently viewed your post, and I sympathize with you. I do not know what path you have chosen to take, or if you have chose any, but I hope you make a decision you can live with either way,no matter what the future holds. You can spend a lifetime wishing-to have it crumble in front of you. All I can say is I know how hard this it, but don't wait too long like I did. Ask yourself this, if something happened tomorrow, next week, next month to your special someone-could you feel content with the decision you make. I agree that it is so difficult when children are involved, but will you always be able to keep your feelings from interfering with your relationship with your children? Or, later on in life will you see it as a wedge that kept you separated from true happiness that you could have shared with your children?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Missed many communications signs and signals myself with the "love of my life". We went on with our lives, communicating by phone to wish happy birthday, Merry Christmas, etc. Then, as we both had children in our respective marriages, we would invite each other's kids to our parties. There was always that "chemistry" that was evident to everyone looking... her hubby and my wife especially. Mutual friends would always tell me that I married the wrong girl and she married the wrong guy.She divorced after twelve years. I am still married. I cannot have a conversation with my wife without it turning into an arguement or large fight. Ex still calls, and we have discussed "what could have been". Wife thinks I am cheating. She gets pissed whenever Ex's name is mentioned, calling the Ex a "slut", "homewrecker", "whore", etc. Desire is certainly there on both our parts, especially since Ex is not involved with anyone and I am not getting any intimacy from wife. Three kids for Ex, three for me. Too many feelings to get hurt if I leave wife to be with Ex. It sucks, the whole thing sucks. I don't want to hurt wife or kids here, and throw away 23 years with wife to start over with Ex. Her kids much younger, and mine older.Ex is getting tired of "waiting for me" to make a move. Will probably end up losing BOTH of them, due to my lack of committment to wife, and lack of balls in leaving to be with Ex.Sincerely,Screwed
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): You have to think carefully, you cared for this man enough to have children with him. There must be some love there. Could it be that you only want what you cannot have and that the green always looks greener. If your marriage is really that unhappy that it should end for the sake of your children. But is running back to your ex really the solution? Wouldn't it be better to make a clean break?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLaura1318
"One day of sadness is one day of happiness denied."
I have to keep reminding myself of this. Thanks for all the advice.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 I am sorry and apologize if I hurt your feelings.I was saying it figuratively about putting him on the pedestal.
To turn on the love , we need to remove all our bias and prejudices and start from a clean new slate. We should not harp anymore on those old things in the past.
It takes times and we must have lots of patience because we should not expect him to change over night. If you see some changes in him , that is progress and keep chipping at the wall till it crumbles.
You are not only doing it for your children's sake but for yourself and your family.You want them to be happy too.You need to be the mover and shaker in your family. Take the bull by the horn and wrestle it down.
Count your blessings and think of those unfortunates one who are homeless and only had their shirts on their backs.
Be happy that you are blessed with two beautiful daughters and a home. Other women even have problems finding a mate while you have everything.
Be contented with what we have and find the little things that can make us happy. We don't live forever.
One day of sadness is one day of happiness denied.
If you feel inadequate or too burdened, remember to cast all your burdens to Jesus.
Religion is a great help . It makes you see things differently from a spiritual perspective of the same problem.
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrcn. Thanks for the advice. But actually I said that I do not love him, never have and I was really stupid then becuase I hoped to grow love for him. I do care what happens to him, but not in love. I do agree with yu the children be thought of first. Laura1318. I really like that anecdote. LOL. Listen, please know I do not put my ex on a pedestal and worship him like he's God. That is so way off. I could never do that with anyone, equating them with God. That would be a really unhealthy way to know someone and I worship no one. I may be a little confused but not that crazy. I think loving someone means loving them on all sorts of levels. Can someone choose to stop loving their mother of their father brother or sister. If it is as easy to turn off that type of love maybe it might be possible to turn this love off. But I do appreciate what you're saying and it's worth giving it a try looking at my husband differently. The thing is, he's broken so many trusts and it makes it hard for me learning how to build something with someone who is so untrustworthy and I don't even love him. When I was trying to make this work and he continued to betray my trust it felt like it wasnt worth it anymore. Being with him most times seems like a nightmare that I can't wake up from and I keep asking myself how I even got here. So it's not goin tobe easy but is something worth praying for. not for his sake, but at least for the kids.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): I am sorry to say, you have to be happy in this life. This is not a dress rehersal. A home is just a box of walls without love. I have given up the love of my life for a family that I have with another man. My ex still loves me and I him. BUT IT IS 14 YEARS. I am not having a physical affair because I know if I ever did see him in person I would pack the next day and move out of my home to be wityh him. I do not want to deny my children their father. He is a good man. I can't say anything bad about him. But I still dream about my ex. When I speak to him on the phone I am screwed up for days after. I am just letting you know that you are not with the man you are supposed to be with and that is an awful place to be. I know in my heart that i could never love my husband the way I love my ex. Don't let 14 years go by. It's a long time. It doesn't go away either. Your children will either accept the situation or not. It's a roll of the dice. I wish I could roll them too.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (2 February 2008):
[Quote]
How do I turn off feelings and turn them on for my husband? How do you turn off your love when it existed before I even met my husband? Is it possible?
[Unquote]
Everything is possible if you put your heart into it. If there is a will , there is a way. If you want to love someone, you can .It is only whether you want or don't want.You look at them from another angle or perspective.
Throughout our life, people come and go and leave footprints in our heart.The good ones , will leave their footprints on the stones forever while many will just leave them on sand and the waves comes and erased them.
How do I turn off feelings and turn them on for my husband?
You need to focus on your husband and look at him from another woman's perspective .Other woman may find your man attractive and yet you do not .
You have eyes but you are blind ,for you cannot see him. You put your ex on a pedestal and worship him like a God . He is not a God but a statue with feet of clay.
Why does married man/woman have affairs? Their wives/husbands do not love their them or they take them for granted.. What they cannot get from inside, they will try to find it on the outside. We all have our own needs.
When you are married to your man , it is not right to think of another man in your heart. He could be your ex or anybody in your life. You would not want your man to do likewise. You would want 100% of him. Marriage means the union of two souls, bodies and spirits into one.
When you married your man you swear by the oath that you will grow old together through thick and thin. You should let your ex go and replaced him in your heart with your husband.
Think of it this way like the story of the frog in the well who saw the moon‘s reflection on the water and fell in love with the moon. Can such love be materialized? It is an impossible love which can never bear fruit.
You need to shift your focus from your ex to him. . Every man has his weakness and strength for no man is perfect. Discover what are his strong points and appreciate him . Just as you would want to be appreciated and valued by him.
Do not blame others if things do not work out. Look inwardly at our self and see whether what we did was right or wrong or could it be better if we try another way. Look at the problem from another perspective.
If we want to change him , we need to change our self first. Love him and treat him well . Walk that extra mile for him. He will see the changes in you and he will respond in kind .
Over the years , because of your misunderstandings , you have build many walls and defenses against each other. You need to tear down those walls and defenses. If you find it difficult to forgive him , you need to pray to Him for guidance and strength .
There was an anecdote about a wife who wanted to divorce and her hatred was so much that he wanted him dead as well.
She went to seek a counselor’s advice about how to kill her husband legally. The counselor told her to go back and love him like mad, have sex with him like mad and please him like mad . Then , she would leave him and he would feel devastated and die of a heart attack.
She went back and did as told but after sometime , her husband fell in love with her again and she could not leave nor wanted to kill him…. LOL!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLaura18 - You said "Your heart is only that big and you gave it all to your best friend and you expect your feelings to grow for your husband." It might be true. How does someone not allow that to happen. This could sounds crazy, How do I turn off feelings and turn them on for my husband? How do you turn off your love when it existed before I even met my husband? Is it possible? I feel like some people were just meant to be with each other and not being with my ex parallels with defying the laws of gravity. Thanks for your insight.Gave me lots to think about. I didn't mean to starve him of love if that's what I did. I thought it would grow. He also doesnt make it easy. But I'am willing to make sacrifice for children if that is the right thing for them. I have to figure out if it is. Thanks for the advice.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 February 2008):
Have you ever heard the saying "if mama's not happy then nobody's happy" I don't know if that's a regular saying, my lawyer said it to me.
I'm going to give you some hard facts here about marriage and relationships with children. Are children a reason for staying in a bad situaiton? NO, kids feel and react and learn from their environment. An unhappy environment creates a negative growing experience for children.
I'm not against marriage. I believe a marraige that can be saved should be saved. People give up too easy in many situations. I'm not saying that's you. It sounds like you should NOT have gotten married.
You said you might love your husband a little. NOPE. You either do or you don't. You might like him a lot, but love is a take it or leave it emotion. That would be the same as saying, I only hate him a little. It's either you do or you don't. Now I think the word love is tossed around like it's a word that really has lost it's meaning. People toss it around just as they say "good morning". It's funny, in a way, that the true love that so many seek in relationships is not a feeling at all. It's a choice. True love is the choice to love someone without any expectation in return. It's the same type of love you have for your kids. When they make mistakes and get punished for making a wrong choice, or when they break something that's really valuable. My daghters painted a $1,000 dresser with nail polish. I was upset at their actions, but I never stopped loving them. People make mistakes, but it's the ones that you know made mistakes, and are still together working through their issues that you can tell have reached the level of having unconditional true love for eachother.
Before making your choice. Make sure it's best for your children #1, and best for you #2. After having kids we have to make decisions thinking of ourselves second and our kids first.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (2 February 2008):
[Quote]As for saying that they will realise what a sacrifice you made for them if you stay, NO THEY WONT. They will grow up and have thier own lives and you will be left on your own with the husband that you cannot seem to stand.[Unquote]
If those children do not marry and have children of their own , they will NEVER know,NEVER realize what being a mother is. They will NEVER know what the mother's sacrifice is, for all they know is what they want and what they did not get and only blame their mothers for all their ills or unmet wants.
Their mothers may do 100 good things for them but they will only remember the one bad thing she did for all their life .
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (2 February 2008):
Your heart is only that big and you gave it all to your best friend and you expect your feelings to grow for your husband.
Does he has enough space for him to grow in your heart?
Did you really tried your best or just lukewarm? Can you really consider that you have given him all those opportunities. If you have really tried, then you cannot be blamed.I am not being judgmental of you but exploring the possibilities .
He maybe your best friend and you love him and know him for a long time but staying together is not the same as living apart.
When you think of your ex, you think of those good times you spend together.Those good memories influenced your decision .Times have changed and those magic moments may have past and may not work anymore.
You can still be married to a man but in your heart you can still love another man .You may compare your hubby to the man you love and this is why , your love for your husband does not grow roots in your heart.
You starved him of the necessities like water and sunlight and love.Your love for him is like a shriveled plant.
I believe many things are fated. If you are meant to breakup, there will be nothing to stop you.It is important that you try your very best to save your marriage and if you really cannot live with him, there is no alternative but to leave.
You leave without any regrets unlike when you left your ex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice.
Laura1318 - I appreciate your steadfastness. Perhaps your words are the hardest to hear. It's always hard to hear something that contradicts the heart. I thought about the "grass is greener on the other side" idea. I don't believe that is what it is. I've known this guy for so long and have we've been great friends and I've always loved him. You said that feelings grow over time. Problem is, they didn't grow with my husband. It's not just old memories with the ex. It's all the memories past and present. He's my best friend. So I'm not trying to go back in time. When you really love someone do those feelings die? Because that's not happening and I really tried. You said "All things happened because it is by the will of God." I believe that. Maybe my husband and I needed each other for a purpose during that time and I think we were brought together to give life to these two beautiful girls. But we're not just in a loveless marriage we in a unhappy one.
Jaazmine & Tellulah - Maybe I do need some time away from him. I want to believe that my girls will be fine regardless decision made. I'm afraid that time might not help and left still confused. Tellulah, I see what you saying. helps ease the feeling of being trapped. Jaazmine, how are your children now?
I'm not trying to tear down my home while he's tryin to build it. Wouldn't dream of it. Understand that I've been trying to build on it. I had one daughter then another. That's by choice. Hoped that children would make our bond stronger. Our relationship is so bad. Can't be good for them.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (1 February 2008):
You can rubbish me all you want , I do not mind but do not rubbish God!.You are committing a blasphemy against God. Watch your words lady.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): I met my ex when I was 9 years old, knew he was the one, we dated in our 20's. He was my bestfriend, the feelings I had for him were out of this world, I could tell if this man was close by it was crazy, problem was he was gorgeous, and all the other women thought so too, and of course although he loved me he was not ready to commit, so I like you was afraid to be alone,and at the age of 22 I didn't want to be spinster,I married my husband, he proposed after 6 mos, and because this was a good man a totally opposite man then my ex, my ex was very open person a party man, but wonderful he was a genuinely good person but I wanted more I wanted a committment and was head strong I was not going to wait,I said yes in marriage to my husband. Over the years I never forgot my ex, my husband treated me well, but the feelings I shared with my ex so different, my husband always found something wrong with everything, he is a perfectionist, and sometimes drove me crazy,,well, after fighting my feelings not to leave this man, my husband decided to have an affair, he just did it, did not care about his children, or me, just did, so sweetie, if the feeings are strong you have to break it with your husband, don't go behind his back, that will be a double blow. Just, separate for awhile you will know if it is what you want, and you might be surprised, it might be your husband you wanted all along. GOOD LUCK!!
AND TAKE CARE (some counselling couldn't hurt)
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female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Theres that old GOD word again. What a load of rubbish.
Although Laura makes a few valid points, and she is right that it will be hard for you and the kids at first. Children get over a lot more trauma than thier parents splitting up. As for saying that they will realise what a sacrifice you made for them if you stay, NO THEY WONT. They will grow up and have thier own lives and you will be left on your own with the husband that you cannot seem to stand.
I am not saying that you should just walk out on your marriage, without any thought. You need to have tried, for your own piece of mind. But if its really that dead, whats the point of staying with a man that you dont love.
Arranged marriages do sometimes work, and the couple are blissfully happy. There are a fair few that dont, and the women in them are terribly unhappy, and cannot get away, because of religion and family pressure.
Luckily you are not under any obligation to stay if you dont want to, its your life. If you mess up you will have to deal with it, and I'm sure you could.
Just think about it, and what you really think would make you happy. If you are a good Mum and your husband is a good dad, you will be able to put the kids first whatever you both decide. That means if you do split, it must be done amicably so the hurt they will suffer will be the minimum it can be.
I hope it all turns out OK, and you manage to be happy, whatever you decide.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (1 February 2008):
You may think the grass is greener on the other side and this is what is clouding your eyes .When you have such a feeling, you will not appreciate what you have at the moment.
You will be uncontented, unfulfilled and unhappy. You think it is a Utopia with him . It is just a perceptions for reality maybe different.Things have changed and those old times are just memories . You are no more young and you cannot go back in time.
Feelings grow over time. Thats why arranged marriages work. You get to know more about him and his strength and you grow in love . Those women focus all their attentions on their man and nobody else.
Instead of focusing on your husband , your heart is not in him but for your ex.When you are half hearted, you will find your marriage will be floundering.
It is like he is building your home but you are tearing it down. When you have made a decision to marry him and have two beautiful girls by him, you have decided your destiny is with him whether it is by rebound or mistake.
All things happened because it is by the will of God.
When your girls grow up , they will be in a world of their own and they will understand your sacrifice.
What will happen if you chose to leave your present husband?
Will you have custody of your daughters?You may satisfy your inner urges to be with your ex, but will you really be happy with him?Will you pine for your girls and feel for them?Do you think that a divorce will not affect them?
We create our own happiness and not depend on others. We can change things .We can learn to love a person and it is not impossible. If there is a will , there is a way.Love covers a multitude of sins.
Will you be selfish and satisfy your own wants or will you be selfless for your daughters? You will have to decide .
If you feel that you cannot take it anymore in a loveless marriage and which you think there is no more hope or cure,then you need to seek your own happiness but it will come with a very heavy price tag. Will you be able to afford it?
If divorce is inevitable, you will need to have an amicable settlement with your husband and the children will have two sets of parents and two homes.
If you fight and quarrel everyday , then it is best that you divorce.If it is loveless, you can try to plant love but if it is a barren ground , then it will be fruitless..
Maybe, you need to pray to God and asked for His wisdom or His answers to your dilemma.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your honest feedback. I know my ex loves me and will respect whatever decision I make. I know that if I was with him, I would be happy. I can't force it with my husband. I've tried. Does anyone think that I should be trying harder. I've heard that sometimes love is a choice. I've chosen to love him, yet can't seem to create those romantic feelings. I've always been feeling like a robot going through motions. People are arranged in marriage and learn to love. Why can't I? Why can't I even like him? A decision both ways is hard.
Laura1318 - I'm not sure what is worse for my girls. I already have been making that sacrifice as a mother for my girls. The "urge" isn't just for my ex. It's for him and the potential life I could share with him. I can suppress that if it make a happier life my kids. But when they grow up and I make my decision then - if I'm still able to - wouldn't they just know it was all a lie? Does a happier mother make happier children?
Has anyone stayed in a loveless marriage? Does anyone know if it can work? Has anyone been a child of parents who didn't love? If so how did that work out?
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (31 January 2008):
You only have one life.
You cannot do this without hurting the people that are the closest to you though. Your husband would in time get over this, and you are living a lie and dont want to be with him anyway. This is unfair on him, he could meet a woman that really is in love with him.
Your children are a different matter altogether, of course it will break there hearts, they will lose their dad, or he will become a part time father. And he will find it very hard, as will they.
Are you sure that this is what you want!!
If you cannot truly try to make a go of your marriage, then the very least that you can do, is to leave your husband before you start up with this new guy. It will hurt him, but not as much as the thought that you left him for another man.
I hope your decision is the right one for you. I know its really hard.
XX
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female
reader, XxAngelDust89xX +, writes (31 January 2008):
 If you do not love your husband you need to leave him.
There is now way that I can think of that you will not hurt your children. IF you stay wiht your husband you will be unhappy, which in turn will make your children un happy. And if you leave him you children will have to go through the painful divorce and custody proceddings and not being able to live wiht both parents. Proceed wisely.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (31 January 2008):
Your dilemma is do you love your daughter or your ex more? If you love your daughter more, you will have to suppress your urge for your ex. You can still be friends with you ex until your daughter grows up .
That is the sacrifice you will have to make as a mother.
Maybe ,the three of you will have to sit down and see how you can overcome your dilemma.
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female
reader, Variety +, writes (31 January 2008):
 You can't do it without hurting them. I'm sorry but that is just the way it is. Children get hurt when their parents split up. No matter how amicable the split.
But if this is the right thing for you to do then I would do it sooner rather than later. I would split from your husband and then move slowly with your ex. If he even suspects that you are leaving him for your ex then things are likely to get nasty and that is not what your children need.
If I were you I'd try and get them out of the house when you tell him. Ask if they can go round to a friends. I would do this during the day otherwise he could be expecting to spend a romantic evening with you.
Be firm when you tell him. Stress it is your fault and don't make it seem as if the entire marriage has been a sham. He should suspect something is up if you have been unhappy this long. Say it is over but you would like to remain civil with him for the sake of your children.
You need to tell your children together what is happening. Otherwise they will get different stories from mummy and daddy and that will only serve to confuse them. And make sure they know they will be able to see both of you whenever you want.
Hope this helps. Message me if you want to talk. x
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (31 January 2008):
 to be honest, you staying with your husband who you dont love, and your marriage is based on his need, will surely affect your girls more in the future than you going your separate ways and still maintaining respect and civil behaviour between you two. i respect the fact that you are thinking of your kids through this, but you also have to think of yourself in this, and your husband's feelings. if you feel trapped now, you will only grow to resent your husband in the future which will cause major problems for your family. i think that you should tell him how you feel - it will be hard but its the right thing to do.just because the 2 of you are scared to be alone, doesnt make it right to give up your chances to be happier with someone else out there. as long as the two of you try and keep things as civil as you can, your kids will see this and although it will be hard at first, they will be happier and understand in years to come. i hope this helps you, if you want more advice feel free to email me, good luck xx
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