A
male
age
,
*egas
writes:My girlfriend/mistress just(september)ended our 4 year relationship because I'm married. I'm 20 years older than my mistress. She has known this all along . We both admit the past 4 years were fabulous in every way for both of us. Dancing,theater,beaches, mountains.She says the sex was the best she had over all past (3 ) relationships .We both love doing the same things - and we both are aching being apart.She says she has to do it, because she needs someone to build a life with (she's 49 years old).She is resolute in ending it -I'm looking for a re-connect .Is it a waste of time for me to think about it ? She (and I tried) for 8 weeks wanting to be just friends.Friends and not lovers was not working.
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male
reader, vegas +, writes (27 December 2010):
vegas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery concise and to the point responses. Not what i wanted to hear.
How to resume the status quo was what I wanted to hear. All of the responses were appreciated, and I will be re-reading them & contemplating .
Thank You
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 The thing that can make an affair truly beautiful is the way that it ends.
You have to be fair to her. It would be wrong to condemn her to a multi decade widowhood by keeping her hanging on until its too late for her to find another man.
An ex mistress of mine, 15 years younger than me, married a young guy earlier this year, something that I had encouraged her to do. Her father is dead so she allowed me to give her away at her wedding. It felt very right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Almost 70 years old and still fooling around? Wow. I find it absolutely remarkable that a man of your age would still be so needy as to require 2 women to see to him. Unbelievable when you get down to it.
Perhaps your mistress had a rough or insecure period of time in her life and you were there to fill in gaps and be there for her. Perhaps she has moved past that time and is seeing that her life is really going nowhere. She is investing herself in a man who simply wants his needs met. A bottomless pit.
Deal with why you are a bottomless pit. Figure out why it takes 2 women just to keep you going. Then, my man, you have a shot at happiness. We will eventually all meet our maker... you are closer to that given your age. Now, why not focus on ways to become a better man and do the right thing... rather than trying to figure out how to keep getting away with things.
Everyone has their 'reasons'. You had yours. She has hers. C'est la vie.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Either leave your wife and get with this girl, or accept you will never have this woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): U are 69 yrs old and you do not want to give up your mistress although she has made it clear that she wants and expects more. U are obviously a man of financial means and therefore you have blatantly took your mistress in the open environment perhaps much to the dismay of your wife and kids. You are aware that your wife is /has been hurt by your affair?
I think after 4 yrs your mistress has finally woken up. Maybe she doesn't want to remain the *itch who is sleeping with a married man. Maybe she realised that she is also not getting any younger and that her days as a mistress is numbered. Perhaps she schemes that by ending your affair u will finally leave your wife for her.
What exactly do u want from your mistress. After all she knowingly was with a MM for 4 yrs and she had no qualms about this. So she obviously has no guilt feelings, no remorse, she basically accepted her role in your life as the other woman. She enjoyed the perks the life of a mistress has and she benefited.
She knew what she was getting into when she started sleeping with you.
Perhaps after 4 yrs she suddenly developed a conscious.
I think u need to realised that you have been living a lie for 4 yrs. How many yrs of marriage is going down the drain. What do u feel for your wife? Does her feeling count at all? I think as a maturer 69 year old instead of trying to resume a life with your mistress plse consider your wife. I am assuming when you say the sex was the best your mistress had was bec of help from The little blue pill. So take that pill for your wife bec I am sure she needs some loving as well.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Essentially your mistress has asked you to make a choice. You'll have to decide - either to let her find her own way in life or divorce your wife and settle down with her. You can't avoid that choice any longer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): I had an affair with a married man for a similar length of time. Trouble was I was a little younger than your mistress and I now look back on how much of my life I spent 'waiting' for this guy to be available to see me. Oh yeah we had good times but over the last couple of years I am angry at myself because it was 4 years I could have been finding a guy who wanted to settle with ME - not play around. In many respects other parts of my life also went on hold too. I am sad because you cannot get time back and your mistress is telling you what she needs. If you care about her and respect her in any way and you are not prepared to leave your wife then what gives you the right to not let her do what she wants. Affairs are a selfish thing. She doesn't want it any more. Personally I admire her for her strength to break free. In answer to your question - no its not a waste of time you thinking about it but it would be a waste of her time to go on having an affair with you. You are going to have to get over it and cut her loose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): You're being selfish. Your girlfriend has stated clearly that she NEEDS someone to build a life with. Yet you just want to reconnect and nothing more. And you are still married.
Your girlfriend is trying to do the right thing of ending your affair because she knows she cannot live this kind of life anymore. Yet you are wanting to keep her in this cycle that she no longer wants, because it's what you want. That's selfish.
Please think long and hard about what you should do. If you want to be with your girlfriend because you truly love her, then be a man and admit it and give your wife a divorce. Your wife doesn't deserve to be married to a man who doesn't truly want her.
But if for whatever reason you refuse to give up your marriage, then let your girlfriend go and move on with her life, stop trying to hold her back.
Any break up hurts, but with time and distance she will get over you when she finds someone new. You can either join her in that new life - in an honest way after divorcing your wife whom you have already betrayed anyway - or you can let her go and stop holding her back from living her own life.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 December 2010):
 right now two women are heartbroken: I would expect that the existence of your Mistress is not a secret in your city, nor a secret to your wife.
So it is your choice:
See your Lawyer and arrange a generous financial settlement for your Mistress, with a 'no disclosure to other parties' clause, to avoid her suing you for more later, or going to the local seamy tabloid about you, and settle down exclusively with the wife.
Or
See your Lawyer and arrange for the divorce papers to be served on your wife and lose 50% of all you own in the financial settlement. And upset your children, if you have any.
Then when the divorce is through buy a nice engagement ring, propose to your mistress, pay for the wedding, and set up house with your mistres.
As you you can see a financial settlement for your mistress will be cheaper, and will allow her to go forth and make a new life with an available unmarried man
and finally your wife will have her husband back 100% of the time. If that is not OK with you, then you know what to do
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Sounds like you have a choice to make then. Do you love this girlfriend enough to leave your wife for her, make an honest woman out of her, commit to her and give her the respect and dignity to actually prove your love with more than words? Or do you want to stay with your wife and cut ties with your mistress, remembering the vows you made on your wedding day and trying to do right in your marriage.
You've been having your cake and eating it too, but that's not fair to EITHER woman in your life.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I personally think it is selfish of you to continue the relationship when there is no future for her to be your wife and she says she wants "out" in order to build a life. I mean, if you really love her, would you not want the best for her? This is not the best for her.
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