A
male
age
,
*ldbiker
writes:I'm married but I believe I have fallen in love with a workmate. I am 57 and have been married for 34 years, she is 37 happily married with 2 children.I have used some of this to answer someone else's problem but I need some advice myself on how I can deal with this.There is no chance of an affair and both of us know that. As we are workmates and friends, I just have to keep my feelings to myself (altho' I have been foolish enough to tell her I'm in love with her and she has been kind enough not to laugh at my stupidity) and try and get on with life.It's not easy, I feel like some lovesick teenager, she is currently on a two week holiday and I feel lost without her.At no time has she indicated that she has any feelings for me (other than as a friend) and I do regret being so frank, she does not deserve this type of unwanted attention. I know there is no easy solution, no magic answer and it is something I will have to work out my system.
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male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (22 March 2008):
oldbiker is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Mandy,
Happy? No I don't think so. Far too much guilt to carry.
But maybe to inject a little humour into it all, I recently had to fly out to the Far East, a total of 4 different flights all of which had James Blunt's 'All the Lost Souls', the stewardesses had me on 'suicide watch' eventually :-(. I know many folk can't stand his music, but his words have the ability to tear my heart to shreds after all that has gone on in the last year and a bit.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Hi Hunny
You have been through a huge learning experience my friend, I do hope you are happy now WITH MUCH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (22 March 2008):
oldbiker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor anyone who is interested, here is an update 7 months later.
A couple of months after my last message, my workmate left the company. Without going into too many details, we had very stupidly been using the office e-mail system for personal messaging. My workmate resigned and left with her reputation and work record intact. I cannot describe the devastation and guilt I felt (and still feel) that my actions I had caused. It would take too long to explain all the details etc., but she was able to get another job without too much difficulty and is enjoying it (and with a higher wage). Despite everything, we are still friends and still communicate (using purely personal means), altho' I have not seen her since the day she left. She still means as much to me.
I would not have blamed her if she had wanted nothing more to do with me after the trouble I had caused her.
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A
male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (24 August 2007):
oldbiker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear anon
I'm sorry that the individual is using his position in an attempt to blackmail you (really the only way to describe it), I would never do that. I may be in a similar position but she wanted to progress her career with the company and has been able to, I did suggest to higher management that they should consider her for a vacancy, but she has been promoted thru' her own efforts and skill, I would never suggest to her that I had any part in it (I didn't anyway).
For myself, I think I have been able to accept that I had let my imagination run away with me. During the 2 weeks of her holiday, it may have been painful for me but I was able to look at things. I did not want an affair, it would either be all or nothing. Would I, at my age and without kids of my own, take on two young children and a lady 20 years younger than myself? Absolutely not! And no, I am not forgetting my wife in all this, she has given me 34 years of marriage and many more years of her love, she deserves the same from me.
I was stupid to tell my friend what I thought I felt, she may have been flattered by the attention but it was never going to 'turn her head', she is devoted to her husband and children. And to be honest, I didn't expect it to, maybe I knew that she wouldn't and felt safe in the thought that there was no future in it. If she'd felt the same way, would I have run?
I'm sure that I have managed to come to my senses, we can still be friends and I can keep it at that level. Of course, I will feel a lot of affection for her but that will remain with me.
I would like to thank all who offered opinions and views. They were a great help to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): Hi There,
I am in a similar situation myself in that I am the 35 year old woman who is receiving the attention from a 52 year old man.
From the female perspective, as he is in a position of power over me at work, I feel very uncomfortable thinking my action towards him will affect my career. Even though he is attractive, I am happily married with two children and I feel that it is unfair he is putting me through this. I think it is very arrogant of him to think that I would do anything with him. He is married and as far as I know has no intention of leaving his wife. So I would have to assume he just wants a younger (possibly a more attractive) woman as a sidedish!!
I hope this is not the case for you as this situation is very stressful for me at work so much so that I try to avoid him as much as I can and often do not turn upto meetings that I should attend.
If you are so much in love with this person, why are you still with your wife? It seems to me like you want your cake and....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): Oldbiker, it won't be easy to dismiss these feelings as long as you remain in contact with your workmate. I am going to bet that when your friend returns to work, "reality" will change. I know of what I speak.I just had a visit with a friend for whom I have very strong feelings, but have not seen in a couple of months. Self-imposed boundaries preclude any notion of a romantic relationship. But after my visit I had to screw my head straight on again. If experience is any guide then I will have to manage these feelings for years to come.I feel your torment. It's not a very fun place to be. That being said, if you choose to put your emotional energy into your marriage rather than into the feelings for your friend then you should consider changing jobs. In my case, I got a bit of relief when my friend moved to another town a year ago.I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (10 August 2007):
oldbiker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Mandy,Thank you for your reply and I appreciate your candour. I now understand your viewpoint. As this week has gone on and with some of the answers that I have received, I have been able to look at my feelings in a different light. I have allowed my imagination to take control, I think I have now come back to reality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): I to believe there are people that live this way, I just dont believe it to be the truthfull way... Im not judging anyone, Its just that when you get married you say those vows and how many keep to them. I find it sad as that piece of paper that you give your heart and soul to someone means nothing, Trust is so important, I can understand a friendship as I have male friends, But I wouldnt dream of seeing them in any other light than just that, Maybe this is just a little to close to my heart as my husband did this to me with a workmate yrs ago now but I will always remember the pain as I invited her into my home and welcomed her to my family. I would have rather known the truth..
That way I could have accepted and got through it much easier rather than find out from someone who felt sorry for me.... I no he was just having a good time as our children were young and there was not much time for each other although I did try to make time... Of course when I found out we split and he then split with her in the hope we could get back but hunny its to late when the trust is broken and this I find sad just for a little fun as things are a little crazy at home, thats family life and family has always been my priority im not digging at you love we all have to live our lives as we feel and take the paths that we are sent to learn such is life but a big school of learning
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A
male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (9 August 2007):
oldbiker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Eyes Wide Open,
Please note that the separate lives was a suggestion to stanisaround.
My own view is that it is something that I would not be able to do.
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A
male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (9 August 2007):
oldbiker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Mandy,
I'm not too sure if you're advising me on my relationship or passing comment my reply to stanisaround.
If it is the former, then if you go back to my original question, you will see that there is no relationship with my workmate other than in my imagination/fantasy. I have to put these feelings out of my mind and return to that of workmates. I will get there.
If it is a comment on my reply to stanisaround, I did expect that the 'Have you cake and eat it' would produce a strong reaction. I did not say it was the right way, I did not say it was my way but (I believe) there are those who can exist this way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Why dont you just leave your wife or tell her the truth and let her no you want an open relationship see how that goes down...
At least let her no were she stands so she to can maybe feel free to find a male friend, I do understand that you think maybe she has not payed you enough attention after your followup.
Do you pay her the same attention you give your friend the truth and trust is the foundation for a relationship....
As long as your wife doesnt no how you feel about this lady your safe and happy in your new found friendship but its still unfair that she doesnt no and is being made a fool of...
cake and eat it! Give your wife a chance to have some isnt that fair under the circumstanses
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (9 August 2007):
 You'd never be able to keep your two lives separate. I'm assuming you are just day-dreaming. Sounds like a school girl's crush to me.
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A
male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (9 August 2007):
oldbiker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Stanisaround,It does help to talk. I think you have a far closer relationship than I have with my workmate, altho' I feel that I'm in love with her, I would rather have her friendship than nothing at all. I could not bear to lose all contact.Luckily, I have no problems with my relationship with my wife, we've known each other almost all our lives as both of our parents were close friends before we were born. As I say with no kids, we've shared everything together over all these years, OK there are some things we have differing views on but none that we haven't been able to accept and live with.There will always be thoughts, there will always be memories and there will always be regrets for times past and present.Some men appear to be morons and have no feelings etc., but, of course, in certain societies it is socially unacceptable for men to show any emotion and to cover this, some guys will go to the opposite extreme.The ultimate solution (if I read your thinking correctly) should never be contemplated, don't go there! But I know what you mean. "It would solve a lot of problems if I wasn't here" syndrome, you could well be surprised at how many people's lives would be emptier if you weren't about. One thing which may be worth a thought or two (altho' I'm sure others on here will disagree), could you run two separate lives? Have a home life with your wife, trying to see if you can discuss/solve/live with some of your problems and another life with your other love. I know that this will disprove the proverb 'You can't have your cake and eat it', but I think if you were able to keep the two lives separate, it could work.
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A
male
reader, stanisaround  +, writes (8 August 2007):
wow..hi oldbiker...didnt think this site would work,but it does,and it helps to talk,somedays are good,i work like mad to keep busy,but when i'm not busy,i can replay every single thing we ever did,ever talked about,and then i get very down,my wife is not interested in sex,which does not help,just wish i could stop thinking,must be great to be a moron like some guys,they just breeze thru without thinking about anything,i try to avoid her calls,and mails,but then i feel bad when we don't talk for a while,often thought about the ultimate solution,but that is too scary to contemplate,can't believe at my age i am going thru this nonsense,why are women so irresistible?????
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A
male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (8 August 2007):
oldbiker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both for your repliesTo Aunty Em - I do accept it as a fantasy on my part but we both value each others friendship and I need to keep it at that level. That friendship has helped her get thru' the death of her younger brother and me thru' a traumatic time abroad in my work, both of us would agree that that was in addition to the love from our respective partners but it can be a help to share problems with someone detached (as is this website!)To Mandy - after 34 years, of course, we take each other for granted a lot of times altho' I think we do work at trying to keep it as fresh as possible. I think the one thing you can never recreate is the beginning of a relationship where you are getting to know each other.How would I feel if the tables were turned? After the initial shock, I would probably feel that I had let her down by not paying her enough attention etc.We never had any family, out of choice, and we don't regret it, it's meant that we've done most things together so I would not say that I'm unhappy or bored in our relationship.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 August 2007):
 I think we all, at some point in our life, get smitten with someone. A look, a friendly conversation or a warm smile can turn our head and propels us off into all kinds of fantasies. It makes us feel good, boosts our self esteem and brightens our day. Whether we are married or single, we can all be affected by this as we are all human...and humans are social creatures who need to be affectionate. If one area of our life is lacking, then we are more likely to notice what we desire elsewhere...but it is filled with risks and obstacles.
You are married, this woman is married. You said yourself that it cannot go anywhere. Your fantasy of this woman and what she brings to your life can not be lived out for real because there is too much at risk, too many other people involved. Two marriages, kids, husbands and wives and quite and age difference too.
Accept it as a fantasy, accept that it made you feel good. Hold onto those happy thoughts but accept that they are nothing more than that. Maybe distance yourself from this woman to allow you to get her off of your mind, then start looking at ways to enhance your own marriage and your own life.
Good Luck to you
Aunty Em x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): Hi love,
Whats life like at home? 34yrs is alot to throw away on a whim. I dont mean to sound as if this isnt real for you sometimes in life we make a good friend and that person will listen to whatever we say and understand us, If you are unhappy with anything at home it will be a refreshing change and feelings can come out of that expecially when its the opposite sex.
Although you no its wrong it makes life a little easier everyday and harder as you are finding out.
The easy bit being the buzz you get when you see her the hard bit knowing its not going anywhere..
How would you feel if the tables were turned and your wife was feeling this way about another male, you must have been through alot together through the years love, and this woman is happily married with a family.
Take a good look at your wife and try and remember the good times you've shared and how hurt she would be and maybe now is a good time to spend getting back what you must have had at some point together become friends again and try and work out the reason behind why this happened, not many people these days can say they have been married for 32yrs. You are right there is no magic solution but you are the only one who can change this hun. TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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