A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a married, bisexual woman. I feel in a difficult position. If I were a lesbian, I would be a faithful partner to only one woman. If I were straight, I would be a faithful partner to only one man. But since I'm bisexual, I have a need for a man and for a woman. I'm not really interested in 3somes with my husband and a woman, because that seems kind of perverted to me. I just want to be able to have a woman that I can spend wonderful time with to meet that need in my life. My question is, Is this considered "cheating"? If not, then how can I convince my husband that it's ok? I haven't spoken to him yet, because I'm afraid that he will either leave me or try to get me to have a 3some with him.
View related questions:
lesbian, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (24 April 2007):
 Congratulations! I am very glad you decided to be open and honest with both your husband and your girlfriend. You are now officially in a polyamorous relationship.I love the idea of polyamroy, but I think it is just too hard for most people because of jealousies. If you can make this work, it will be wonderful! Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007): I'm happy you agreed about this situation though I do not thik this can las t as a normal traditoinal union between 2 partners and so on, I think u would rather seek some couselling and try to have an exclusive relationshipwith each other as real coples do, open marriages ares not a good thing they always end up in trouble unless one person sacrifices very much or just doesn't care about the other one is this maybe a hint for u to worry just a bit????
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (23 April 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
Well that's great news! I'm glad that after talking things out with your husband that you were both able to reach an "agreement" about how things will be. Just remember to stay open and honest with one another.
Take care. ^_^
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again!I am so happy this morning! I talked to my husband like everyone said, and I told him about how people seem to think that I can only love one person. And that I should throw away my friendship of over 20 years with my female sweetheart, just because I love her. He agreed that that would be hard for everyone, because he is friends with her too, and the kids are friends with her kids. He said it would be a real tragedy for us all to go our separate ways just because I love her. It seemed odd to him that the more you loved someone, the less you should be allowed to see them. He told me that he knew I loved him, and he never wanted to leave me. He reasured me that he didn't own me, and that no one should be allowed to keep slaves and own them, even calling it "love". He said that I was my own person, and even though we will both always love each other, he knew that I love her. He has known all along, but figured it was one of those things you don't need to talk about. Some truths are not silent, even though there are no words.He talked about how when we had our second child, we never loved our first one less. We loved both of them even more. Our love for our kids has actually grown over the years, not diminished, even though there are three of them now.So, anyway, to make a long story short, I slept with her last night! It was so beautiful! After making love passionately for the first time in nearly 20 years, we held each other for the whole night! She is so wonderful. I love her so much. Of course I love my husband. I always will, and I thank God for a loving, caring, and understanding husband. I wish that everyone could be like him, and realize the truth. Anyway, thanks again for your advise. I should have talked to him about this years ago. But I'm still young, and now I can be truly fulfilled as a bisexual. My husband and I love each other, and my sweet lady loves me too! I am probably in the most ideal situation any woman could ever be in!
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (21 April 2007):
 Marriage is all about finally growing up and not thinking "Is this right for me?". It's loving someone else enough to think "Am I doing the what is best for them?". I think you need to be on your own and let your husband go, for his sake. What you have is no longer a marriage. You are in love with someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (20 April 2007):
If you love them both, then it only seems fair to pick one or the other, or to at least let your husband know that you would like to be in an open relationship. If he agrees, then by all means I think that you should be able to love and sleep with whoever you want.But think about it from your husband's perspective. Do you think he would be hurt? Do you think that he would be happy to make you happy? You really need to talk to him. If he knows about your feelings and intentions with this woman, then it is not cheating, because that won't be the sort of relationship you're in with him.Now think about it from the other woman's perspective. Do you think she will like to remain the person on the side? Or do you think one day she'll eventually want to have you all to herself?If I were you, I would stop contact with this woman. I would feel like the relationship would be jeopardizing the marriage. Afterall, you married *him* and not *her*. I understand that things change, but you are in a serious and committed relationship with someone who you are supposed to love through thick and thin. Being bisexual myself, I would never be able to do that to my husband. While I think that other people (men and women) can be attractive, I would never ever be able to use my sexual orientation as an excuse to have sex with someone else. And I would never get too close to someone else to fall in love with that person, no matter what sex that person is. But, like I said, that is just my own personal take on the whole thing...and everyone's different.As I mentioned earlier, I think you should talk to your husband if you plan on continuing this relationship. If you don't find anything wrong with it, then why are you hesitant to do so? (Maybe you're not hesitant, but then why would you be writing on Dear Cupid...)As for your fantasies, by all means think about whoever you want. But I would think it'd not be such a good idea to think about someone you have a deep emotional attachment to. Do you see the sense in that? It seems like it would just make your situation even harder and more confusing.To me, it seems like there is a deeper problem here than wanting to be intimate wiht and being in love with someone else. I think that you need to look at your marriage and figure out what's going on in that specifically and why you have feelings to give to someone other than your husband. All relationships tend to get stale at some points - they key is to work at keeping things fresh. Go take day trips to new places with each other, have picnics, visit museums and find something new to talk about, get new hobbies and then talk about them with each other, do something new together like dancing lessons.If you really don't feel like anything is lacking from your relationship other than having a female, as well, then I think it might be time to let your husband have someone on the side, too. To have it any other way would be, in my opinion, very unfair. Relationships aren't a one way ticket to what *you* want - you shouldn't be making double standards here. Work on your marriage so that it turns out to be something that the *both* of you want.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStina, so, since I basically admit that I have fallen in love with her, then I am cheating. I still haven't done anything physical with her. I still love my husband. What should I do? Should I stop seeing her and tell her I cannot be her friend anymore because I love her now? It seems odd that if I didn't love her, I could spend time with her, but now that I DO love her, I have to reject her. I certainly don't want to lose my husband though, becuase I love him very dearly. He is the man I love, she is the woman I love. I love them both. What should I do?Also, is it ok to fantasize about someone else when you are masturbating? Is it ok if I fantasize about her? Or is that not ok, because I love her.... and would it be better for me to just fantasize about some rock star or somebody?
...............................
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (20 April 2007):
Personally I never 'cuddle' with my girlfriends in our pajamas or give them back rubs. That is overstepping the bounds of friendship, I think. And, no, it is not just physically pleasuring someone or being pleasured that is cheating. You can have an emotional affair that is never consumated. I know of a person that 3 months before she got married began talking with and emailing a friend of mine, telling him that she wished she had met him sooner, he was so wonderful, etc, etc. She even went away for a weekend with him. They never had sex. Did she cheat on her fiance? You bet she did! And if her husband knew about it, I doubt he would have married her. It is haveing a ROMANTIC relationship with another person that is not your husband (or boyfriend or whatever a persons personal situation is) that makes it cheating. And I dont believe you dont know the differance between a friendship and a romantic relationship, physical or otherwise.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): Just to add, Stina makes an excellent point. When she said, "If you really valued him and loved him, then nobody else would matter". I totally concur.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): Wow! Amazing how you have jumped into this defensive position. It is so painful for me to witness your denial. You are thinking here....it's "me, me, me! I don't care about anyone else. I want my fun!". What does that say about you anfd your behaviour as a wife? Think about that, hun. Do you not understand the meaning of marriage. You made a promise to a man that you would not forsake this marriage by stepping out of the boundaries of fidelity. It is a principal, a deep respect for him, a promise, a vow... and one does not enact such a selfish risk. No one can give you the go ahead to 'use' your bisexuality to 'sexually act out' rather than being an honorable person and fighting through the urges to boink another woman. No matter what you call, any act of sexual behaviour with a man or woman, other than your husband is cheating. Why don't you practise good, loving, giving behaviors here with your man. You can be a self-serving cheater or an independent, loving, good wife. You have an opportunity here, to choose accordingly..to be one of those women. You made a decision to marry a man, to love and be loyal to only him. Now live up to that, dear. And the measure of you as a valuable, caring partner to your husband is that you don't do anything that could even remotely or minimally cause him hurt, mistrust or disrespect for you! I really don't like it when women or men decide to put their marriage at risk, like this. They take outrageous liberties,they betray trusts all in the name of 'thrills and orgasms'. This is so single-minded...so self-centered and being that way, doesn't bring promote giving and unification, in a marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (20 April 2007):
Hi again,"If she became my best friend, and we did all kinds of non-sexual stuff together, that wouldn't be cheating?" No - as long as you don't fall in love with her. Because cheating can be through emotions, physical pleasure, or both. The key word is *friend*, though. Friends don't mean sex partners. And you don't want to turn your friendship into an affair."I want to be able to offer her a feeling of pleasure too. What's so wrong with that?" Nothing is wrong with that as long as you are in an open relationship with your partner and he knows about it. At least give him a chance to find another woman (if he's straight) or another man (if he's bi) that would be able to pleasure him in ways that you cannot fulfill, as well. Don't you think that's fair? Surely you wouldn't want to deprive him of getting what you can't give him, too, right? I can't imagine why you would mind since you seem to think having physical relations with others outside of the relationship on your part is fine."So can anyone tell me why it's so wrong??" I don't think that anyone here will be able to tell you that. Everyone's relationships are different when it comes to issues such as this. Talk with your husband - see what he thinks about having an open realtionship. (In my opinion, just because you're bisexual shouldn't mean that you get to get it on with other people. If there's something missing from the bedroom, then you two need to work on it together.)It seems to me that there is something wrong in your relationship. If you really valued him and loved him, then nobody else would matter and you would suggest new things for the bedroom to keep yourself interested and keep things spiced up. It also seems like this sort of thing - having sexual relations with others on the side - should have been discussed before you two tied the knot. But it wasn't, so here you are.Talk with him. Tell him how you feel. Let him have the option of getting physical pleasure from others, as well, as it is only fair. If you don't want him "straying" from you, then I think you understand how he feels if he does not want you getting it on with anyone else. Respect that - respect him - respect your relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (20 April 2007):
I think he would view any relationship that you had as an emotional affair and that it's cheating. Being bisexual is not a wild card that allows you to opt out of a commitment that you made to your husband in your vows. You are going to have to establish boundaries in ALL of your friendships. You have to be very aware of when you have crossed the line with any friend and make sure that you are not pulling the wool over your own eyes. How would you feel if you husband told you he was bisexual and wanted another man to fulfill those needs? You are asking for permission to be with whomever you like and frankly, marriages aren't made for three. Having another intimate, sexual tie is absolutely going to put a dent in how you and your husband relate to each other, the closeness that you share with him now will be unravelled and your marriage will dissolve.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf she became my best friend, and we did all kinds of non-sexual stuff together, that wouldn't be cheating? But the moment we mutually pleasure each other that is? What makes physical pleasure cheating, but non-physical is not? Seriously? What is the answer to that?
It is sexual pleasure mainly that I want. I love my husband and I love having sex with him. I love him emotionally too. But I love my best friend just the same way as any girl loves her best friend, but when we cuddle in our pyjamas and watch tv, I want to be able to offer her a feeling of pleasure too. What's so wrong with that? Like, I bet no one has a problem with cuddling with your girl friend and giving her a nice back rub. That's pleasureful isn't it? So what's wrong if I come in contact with her breasts in a pleasureful way? Why can't I give her an orgasm? It's just the same sort of feeling as a back rub, only much more intense obviously. So can anyone tell me why it's so wrong??
I haven't been with her since college. Help!!
...............................
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (20 April 2007):
You are bisexual. That means you are equally attracted to men and women. So you would be satisfied with a man OR a woman, not that you 'need' both. This is definately cheating. Any romantic relationship that is out of the bounds of your marriage, outside of your agreement with your husband, is cheating. That said, if you do talk to your husband, he may be willing to let you pursue this other relationship. If he is ok with it and allows this for you, then it is not cheating because it would be done with openess, honesty and consent. This is a concept called polyamory.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): To me this is not difficult at all. It's rather straight forward and I think you do know the answer. Sweety, you are married. You made a choice to make vows and commit yourself to a man that you love. You should not even be thinking of trying to convince your husband, that this is okay because it's not....I don't care if you are bisexual. What you are proposing is serious because it's the self-serving act of cheating. Because you want to step out of the boundaries of your marriage and have some fun with another person, who is not the man you made a vow to remain faithful to. Take responsiblity for the promises you made your husband and stay true to only him. So hunker down, resist your urges and get on with married life.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (20 April 2007):
Hi Anonymous,
What sort of "need" would this woman be fulfilling? If it's more than a friend, then don't do it. It will just lead you to have feelings of confusion - you don't want to be romantically/emotionally attached to someone other than your husband, right?
If it is just a friend, then it's totally fine. Just make sure that you know what sort of feelings you have for the other person. Stay on guard with your feelings and don't let things out of hand.
When you talk with your husband, I'm sure he will understand that you are going to want to have friends and do things without him. It's only natural. If he doesn't understand this, then I think you two have a deeper problem that needs to be addressed.
But open communication and honesty are what makes the foundation for a good and healthy relationship. Just make sure you have that in your relationship with your husband. Trust will be the result of those two things. If you two trust each other - and you only plan on having this person as a friend - there shouldn't be any problems.
My worry is that you are concerned about it. Is your gut feeling that things may lead to a more romantically-based relationship with this other person? If those aren't your intnetions at all, I don't really understand why you'd be questioning being able to maintain friendships outside of your marriage. Do you see what I mean?
And if your husband is after a threesome and it's not what you want, then that needs to be addressed, as well. But that's a whole other issue in itself.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (20 April 2007):
 Hi Dear!
In my personal opinion yes this is cheating.
But ask your husband. Does he actually know you are bisexual? If he does know you could just ask him if he would this considere cheating when you would "spend some time" with a women. If he does not knwo that would make it much more difficult. You can just tell him and ask or you can ask in an indirect way if he would a bisexual married women considere cheating when she meets other women. But if it is cheating for him, you would have to accept this and forgo meeting any women.
(Sorry for my English, but hope you will understand what I wanted to say!)
...............................
|
