A
female
age
51-59,
*23confused
writes:i'm married and just started a new job few months ago. i'm beginning to like my colleague and it seems mutual as he initiated to ask me if we can have lunch together so he can get to know me. i don't like this as i know it is very wrong. should i talk to him about this?
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female
reader, 123confused +, writes (30 August 2008):
123confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for all your advice. It has enlighthened me and put me in the right direction.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): Another male here. Perhaps you're still feeling very 'new' in the workplace and are sending out 'I want to be your friend' signals to all and sundry. Perhaps this chap has picked up on this and you may be misreading his intentions. Or perhaps you really do fancy him and similarly he does in return. All very confusing! Anyway, I recently engaged in a flirtation with a married woman at work (I am not married, incidentally). We have actually worked at the same place for several years. After a few months of flirting (which I initiated) I pulled back a little bit for a 'rain check'. After a while she came on to me (I was starting to hurt by then) and so I asked her out only to be rejected. We have not spoken since and she refuses to meet my gaze. In the end I wrote her a little letter to try and make our working lives a little better - no feedback. Even so I feel much better for having written the letter and am able to concentrate on doing the job in hand. Anyway, I think the best course of action is not to let matters escalate unpleasantly. Respect yourself and respect him. Keep with the group lunch theme and if he still can't take the hint then have a little chat with him on the premises, but keep the conversation light and brief. You don't need this kind of problem in your life when you're trying to adjust to a new job. In a few year's time if he's still interested in you then you really will have problems because by then his 'feelings' will be involved and if he can't take rejection at that point then he will have to leave. Anyway, fancy a bite to eat? Just you and me? Go on - I dare you!
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A
male
reader, Daverocks  +, writes (29 August 2008):
I think you should talk to him about it. Tell him you feel it would be wrong to have a relationship with him. I think it would be better to get it into the open rather than bottling up feelings which will lead to awkwardness and will also mean that he might not understand your intentions.Don't forget you can't reject this guy out of hand and expect that he won't want to get back at you (by treating you in a similar fashion if and when the chance arises). IMO you should be respectful of his feelings and remain friendly towards him in order to obtain the best result...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): Decline the invitation and do NOT go alone especially if you feel he's made it clear what he wants. Is this a case where some inappropriate, flirty behaviour has taken place on your part, as well? If so, then plainly, he's being assertive and he's taking the 'bull by the horns here'? Are you fearing that if you tell him the truth, he will... what...get mad at you or treat you disdainfully? So what! Just be honest and tell him NO Thanks. If you talk to him about his 'intentions', he will backtrack and deny it all or he will either respectfully accept your answer and go find another 'victim'. No need to go there. he will know why you have declined. The workplace is ripe for affairs which are never a good idea. Remember that. So get to the business at hand, do your job, the one you were hired to do. But not to let you off the hook. You both were being disrespectful...he was to you and you were to your husband and marriage. This man at work made you feel desired, possibly...and you allowed your 'ego and emotions' to get the best of you. Work on your self-esteem here, dear so you can learn not to be so gullible that you allow yourself to get into this situation. When a woman is confident and loves herself, she has the self-respect to recognize people who are bad for her life. Always use your head and think sensibly. Do not worry about offending this guy or hurting his feelings, if you say NO. He did not really treasure you, he just wanted some fun and games. The only man who 'feelings should count' are that of your husband's.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): Don't go. Take a step back and see this as a warning sign that your existing relationship is in trouble and needs some work - i.e. you are tempted and are giving off some 'available' vibes. Keep your colleague at arms length as things get messy when affairs invariably go wrong at work - and you don't want to have to leave your job because it becomes 'difficult' to deal with. I speak from bitter experience so learn from my mistake.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Go with your instinct, which is "i don't like this as i know it is very wrong."
Just be polite and respectful as you decline his invitations. If you have other colleagues at work, have lunch with them as a group and invite him along. It's not a good idea to be alone with this guy right now as you suspect his intentions.
Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (29 August 2008):
 No need to make a drama out of this. I have always thought it best to keep colleagues at arms length whatever your marital status as you have to work with them whatever comes from personal situations. You know where this is heading and you would feel awful afterwards so just decline any invitations.
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A
female
reader, superrrshawna  +, writes (29 August 2008):
 don't go to lunch!!! and don't talk to him about progressing your relationship further!
the title says it all.
you are married. therefore, unless you want to put your marriage in a very difficult situation, you should NOT go to lunch with this man for whom there exists a mutual attraction.
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