A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend went away to visit family out of town for four days.He turns his iPhone off anytime he is in a foreign country not to incur extra charges so we do not speak on the phone.He sent me one email to tell me he had arrived safely and about his day and that he missed me. That was it.Fast forward a few days when he is back home.I know his plane landed at 2 a.m. so by the time he got home it might have been 3 in the morning. But by mid day he did not text to let me know he got home safe. And I was wondering if he made it back okay and why he was not contacting me. I thought there was a possibility he was still sleeping since he got home so early in the morning. So instead of continuing to wait and WORRY which isn't fair to me (clearly he does not see any of this) ...I texted him asking him if everything was okay and he replied right away to say he was home and missed my smile. Called me sweetie. All this crap.So, why did he not text me first to tell me he was home??? Did I not give him a chance to text me cause I texted him first?And why not contact me to let me know he was back when he contacted me to say he made it there safe? Clearly he was near his phone as he answered my text within a minute or two. So he definitely wasn't sleeping.I am left feeling really MAD at him for this! I mean MAD like he doesn't care and rethinking the relationship because he does NOT CARE ENOUGH about me.Like I want to LEAVE him over it.He is not the best communicator, especially by text and I have told him I would like a little more communication to be happy. He has made an effort but still drops the ball this way.Am I over reacting or should he have texted me to let me know he was back?Please advise as I do not want to make a mistake in how I handle this! Thanks everyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): It's OP.
To the last poster... female Anon.... I do agree with you. Thank you for taking the time to express your views.
And I was siding with you completely when I asked the question.
But many of these fine people have added some insight that has helped me see beyond that... that it isn't just black and white, end of story.
He explained to me what happened. His phone was on airplane mode. He was turning it off airplane mode with the intention of texting me only to see that I was texting him at the same time. This is good enough for me.
And moreover, he does not ALWAYS do this - just this once - so I have given him a pass this time. It isn't habitual and I over reacted. I have learned that I need to stop flying off the handle and make assumptions and jumping to worst case scenarios.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2015): It's not about tracking his every move and giving him freedom, it's about him not being reliable enough and thoughtfull of calling OP.
it's a very selfish behavor not to think of your partner and letting her know so she wouldn't worry.
My husband does the same things ALL the time, and it drives me nuts.
He goes on a trip andi can't reach him for days sometimes. It's very egotistic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2015): It's the OP.Thank you, Maverick. Well said and wonderful advice. I shall listen. And loosen up!!! :)Tisha, I hear you. I AM happy but not every relationship is perfect and sometimes has areas to be worked on. Ours is communication. I see he has come very far and cares about me enough to change his ways. I will now care about him enough to change mine and not be so demanding and expecting the world of him. I see my behaviour and expectations can be unreasonable now. Thanks to everyone, for opening up my eyes. I needed somebody outside my relationship to have an objective look and it has helped me so much.As for my ex, he worshipped me, yes, but that was not enough in the end. So many other issues I would not like to get into as to why that marriage dissolved. But sometimes a man can worship you too much that it is a detrimental thing. In his case, it was. His worship turned into obsessive, overly jealous behaviour. He started to follow me around everywhere... I never did anything wrong. Not ever. So much to the story. It was the right choice in the end. This man is more my equal and he does respect my freedom and space. I should also respect his. My BF is what I have been searching for all along. Even though I have my moments. We all have our moments. We just need to make sure we always communicate and make sure we are always on the same page. I do think my expectations can be too high a lot of the time. I also have a father who spoiled me like crazy as his only daughter. I am used to getting things on a silver platter. Not necessarily a good thing all the time. ;)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 January 2015):
 I asked because you are 30-35 and as he may be in the same age bracket, he may have other family living in the house.
"I can be a bit demanding sometimes. I had an ex husband who basically worshipped the ground I walked on."
So why did you split up with your ex-husband? If he worshipped the ground you walked, then presumably you would be together, it would seem to be common sense.
"So I am getting used to my current boyfriend's "different" style. He is more independent and more my equal, which is perfectly fine." So you are saying your ex was a big wimp and not your equal and that's why you left him? This is very confusing.
"My ex dropped everything for me. This man is more of a challenge and not what I have been used to." So you are used to being in complete control and are unhappy that new boyfriend is not going along with the program you prefer.
"But I am not complaining."
But you are complaining. "He is not the best communicator,"
And even more complaints:
"I am left feeling really MAD at him for this! I mean MAD like he doesn't care and rethinking the relationship because he does NOT CARE ENOUGH about me."
"Just wondering if his actions were a red flag or not. But the relationship does work. And we are both very happy with each other." vs "Like I want to LEAVE him over it."
OP, which is it, is this a happy relationship or this one in which you are deeply unhappy and are struggling to deal with it?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (11 January 2015):
Hi OP, thanks for your follow up.
Your behavior makes much more sense now you've explained that your ex catered to your every wish. And if you realize what an impact that has on your expectations, be a little more sympathetic towards the fact his exes created the opposite kind of expectations for him. Also, just a word of caution: seeing a man as a challenge doesn't mean you should try and mold him into your vision of what he should be like. Too many people see their partners as projects. You may not have meant it that way, but I'm just putting it out there.
As for the texting, his explanation makes sense. All the advances in technology won't prevent things like miscommunication, no alerts, etc. If he sent his message while you were sending yours, you often don't get an alert because you're still using the app. It's not perfect after all.
Apps like whatsapp have a feature that allows you to see when someone else has read your message. I personally hate it, because it doesn't always work properly all the time and can cause problems because of that. "Oh he has read my message! Why doesn't he reply? Is he not interested?" and then your mind can come up with all kinds of negative scenario's while the app was just malfunctioning. Stuff like this creates a lot of pressure and anxiety. So keep your distance from it, once in a while. Take a breather. It's easy to get obsessed with stuff like that and let your mind go wild. And your mind can be scarily creative, trust me.
I have a friend who spent days analyzing her boyfriend's texts and messages and made so many assumptions about him based on whether he replied or not. She added so much of her own context to it and she started believing it too, and all of it was created out of thin air. The relationship ended because of it.
I really do not see any red flags based on the info you gave me. All I see is a man who is trying his best, and if you loosen up a little, you two could probably have a great, lasting relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2015): Hi everyone.
It is the OP.
Tisha, he lives alone. Why do you ask?
And to the others, thank you. Very rational thinking. I can be a bit demanding sometimes. I had an ex husband who basically worshipped the ground I walked on. So I am getting used to my current boyfriend's "different" style. He is more independent and more my equal, which is perfectly fine. My ex dropped everything for me. This man is more of a challenge and not what I have been used to. But I am not complaining. Just wondering if his actions were a red flag or not. But the relationship does work. And we are both very happy with each other.
So I talked to him about why he did not text. He told me his phone was on airplane mode. And just 2 minutes after my text went through he texted me to tell me he is home. It was just a coincidence and we texted each other around the same time, neither of us knowing the other was texting. He said he saw my text but thought it was sitting there from before. I believe him. He said "Hi honey, I am home." My text said "Hope all is well." So it seems he was telling me he was home and initiating the text instead of answering my "hope all is well" text.
Make sense?
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (11 January 2015):
 OP, I read your follow up. I totally, 100% agree with Maverick494's response.
Your boyfriend gave you his explanation. His previous exes never requested it.. BUT since you do, he is trying very hard to do as you wish and make it work for you both. Not replying instantly to a smilie face is NOT a big deal, doesn't mean he loves you any less.. BUT if you keep nagging him about such little things, it WILL BE a big deal later down the road and he may want to end the relationship. Is it worth it? Over a non-reply of a smilie?
Everyone, even yourself, needs a little freedom.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 January 2015):
Who else does he live with?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (11 January 2015):
I think people don't owe it to each other to be in touch all the time.
And sometimes, when you receive a text or something like that a smilie in it, there's really is nothing much to answer. Why would you get mad about that? I really do not understand. How do you think people in the old days got on with their lives, when sometimes they couldn't contact each other for weeks? They survived too, didn't they?
He's obviously trying to stay in touch, and trying to be better about it, but he's still human and he makes mistakes. Sometimes he may be tired, or he may have forgotten, whatever. Accept these possibilities and don't jump at his throat for trivial shit like this. He already told you his communication habits and views are different from yours, but he's trying to adjust himself to what you're used to, because he cares.
You can't expect that to go without a hitch all the time. Yes, it would have been nice if he'd messaged you after he arrived home safely, but he was probably too tired or too preoccupied to do so, only to remember when his phone alerted him of your message. Seriously, that's all there's to it. Don't turn it into a big issue when there is none. If you're that much of a worrywart, that's your problem, not his. He shouldn't have to assure you all the time. It's a two way road and he's already compromising. All you're doing is being even more demanding.
Look, I get that maybe you're used to being catered to in communication all the time, but for some people, that's just exhausting. He hates texting, so it's pretty obvious in which camp he falls. If you want this relationship to work you have to find some middle ground both of you can live with.
Also, just because you're his girlfriend doesn't mean he has to report his every move to you. Not unless you two made plans at that time. He has a life too and being in a relationship doesn't mean that everything just melds together into one. It's not about expecting you to wait and sit around for him. That's probably the last thing he wants. He'd probably much prefer it if you had an activity of your own to pursue that didn't have to do with obsessing about when or if he's going to contact you.
Sorry for being harsh but to be honest you sound incredibly clingy. He tries being sweet and you suspect the genuineness of it, and then when he doesn't send you a message you blow up at him. The guy can't seem to do anything right. Look, if that is a dealbreaker for you, then maybe it's time to find someone who views this stuff the same way you do.
This guy seems to enjoy some measure of freedom. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. It just means he lives his life a little differently.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2015): Hello everyone. It's the OP.Thank you for all your answers. There are some varied points of view.Well the behaviour I am most confused about is... that when he landed... that day to be exact... he did contact me to let me know he arrived safely. He told me what he did that day. AND he said he missed me.So, after all that, why did he not do the same thing when he got back? It was a good start and poor finish. Just seems inconsistent.Was he going to do it later? Maybe I beat him to it? He may have sent me a text a bit later in the day when he was settled in/rested had I waited? In fact, I was going to give him til late afternoon but I caved. I just didn't feel I needed to wait. Just some background. He travels a lot and he is always in touch when he travels. He has sent me all kinds of messages and is consistently in touch with me... I miss you... Wish you were here... the whole nine yards so to speak. He would write me poems, send picture of sunsets saying he wishes I was there to see the sunset with him. All that kind of stuff. Always lets me know both ways when he has landed safely to wherever he is going and once he is back home. But the difference is those were much longer trips. This one was four days. Not sure if that might have made a difference to him. But in the past he has had a very good track record. He seemed to drop the ball on his return text this time.He knows what my concerns are regarding communication. I have had several discussions with him about it. He has changed his ways considerably because there was a time when he went away and hardly communicated at all. One time he was away for 2 weeks and sent me just one winky face by text! I was VERY upset and had a talk with him and he has changed. A great deal. He did not realize I needed all that communication. Apparently his past girlfriends did not want or expect him to keep in touch. Fine but I am not them. I suspect maybe they did not care about him like I do either.Last week in fact I blew up at him because he did not answer a text I sent him with a kissy face telling him I was thinking about him. He said it required no response. I said yes it did. I took the time to send it and for that reason he should have taken the time to answer back. I said even if it was with a simple smiley or winky face. That was all it would take. Better than nothing where I was left feeling hurt and ignored. He said he understood. He is just not a mushy, communicative type. He hates texting. Does it only if there is a purpose. I, on the other hand, send him little messages that are affectionate and sweet.I will be asking him these questions myself when I see him.I will keep you all posted.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 January 2015):
 I had a boyfriend like yours. So I know what this is about, and I don't think the first people who answered your question have a clue. If this was a one time thing.. then yes, sure, you're overreacting and demanding and expecting too much. But this isn't a one time thing, this is just the tip of the ice berg, the final drop in what's become a wast ocean.
I will use an example from the time I was with my ex. He worked out of the city, and would come home on occasional weekends. He didn't TELL ME when he came home, not immediately. Before coming home he'd have to make the arrangements to get a ride home, or take the bus. Then the drive itself was two hours. So there was plenty of time to tell me he was on his way, or would be home that weekend, or was even thinking about coming home. Yet he didn't tell me. It happened maybe a couple of times, and then I'd get a text late in the evening or early morning the following day, asking if I wanted to meet up with him... As if I never had any colliding plans and should just be thrilled to hear from him, after he's been in town for hours or days already.
I too was told I was exaggerating, and my then bf didn't understand at all why I was upset. Because he was just like that, like your boyfriend. They don't GET IT.
Maybe I exaggerated if it was the only thing that happened. But then add in the fact that he once left the city on a vacation WITHOUT TELLING ME he was gone. I called him to see if he wanted to meet me, and then was informed that he was away and wouldn't be home until next week.
I could go on and on with examples about how he failed to keep me in the loop or failed to contact me. Sure, none of it was perhaps significant, or crucial. If it had been a one time thing, it wouldn't have been something I would have reacted on. But when it happens over and over and over and over... Well you DO start to feel hurt, neglected, not cared for, unwanted and insignificant. A simple text takes what... five seconds to write? Yet I was not important enough to take these five seconds and text me... So I do understand how you feel. And I was on the verge of ending my relationship with him over the very same fact.
Once, when he was home for a week, he didn't put aside time to see me. I hadn't seen him in two months. He saw me twice during this week, and then told me I should be happy, and told me how he prioritizes me, and puts me first. I told him right back that seeing me two out of seven days is NOT putting me first. The first thing he did when home that week, was to go see his friends and stay with them. He had agreed to come see me, knew I was excited to have him home, yet he decided last minute to go see his friends instead, and he could "just see me tomorrow" and didn't get what my problem was. When I understood that he had no plans to see me before he left (he spent the last three days with friends again) I raged hell, and I was seconds away from slamming the door shut on the relationship.
He talked me into staying, I gave him chance and chance again. Just thinking about all of this makes me pissed off again.
In an adult relationship, this just isn't how you act. That's how kids who play relationship act. Adults take responsibility and keep their partner informed and in the loop. My ex called me controlling and accused me of wanting him to "report his every move" to me. That's not what it's about. It's common courtesy in an adult relationship to COMMUNICATE and PRIORITIZE. You just don't vanish into thin air and expect your partner to sit at home and wait for you, as if they've got nothing better to do. Sheezes, even my mom who is extremely liberal and free spirited would tell me to text her when I arrived safely, if I was going away, because this is just how you treat people who care for you: you let them know you're save and actually respect their feelings, rather than ignore them.
If your boyfriend can't grasp this simple concept, then he's not fit for a relationship. I finally did end things with my then boyfriend, ironically for this exact reason: I wasn't told something that was, this time, CRUCIAL. He was close to dying, and I was not told. I'm not even joking, I wish I was. When I finally did find out, after not hearing from him for a WEEK, I got him to the emergency room, and the doctors had an ambulance come get us and rushed him into medical care. That's how serious it was.
So to everyone who thinks you should give people space... yes, people do need their space. But there's the proper amount of space, and then there's the two extremes: clingy and totally out of touch. If one is out of touch and not responsive, doesn't get in touch, doesn't communicate, just takes off or leaves and isn't heard from.. then that person is not fit to be in a relationship.
OP, do not let anyone make you think you are controlling. You're asking for something very simple, and something essential for a relationship to work: communication.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 January 2015):
 I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with the other posters so far. I am far from a clingy person, yet I think it's common courtesy in a serious relationship to keep each other posted about these types of things, as that's what I believe you do in committed relationships.
To not even think of your partner at all in letting them know you made it home, after flying from out of the country, seems really thoughtless. That would be the first thing I would think about.
I'm not saying he's doing it intentionally. However, it does show a basic incompatibility between you two. You want someone a little more involved and he doesn't seem to know how to meet those demands to make you happy. If this isn't something you can deal with, as I wouldn't necessarily blame you if you couldn't, then perhaps you should end it. If you cant meet in the middle and compromise, then this may just be a deal breaker. And I don't think that makes you overbearing or smothering. It simply means you have different needs, and he's not capable of meeting those needs.
I, personally, would be worried sick over my partner if I knew they were flying from another country and I hadn't heard from them to let me know they were home safe. To me, it's little things like that that actually add up into big things. So I understand where you're coming from. I spent years in a relationship where I didn't get the little emotional needs met, and it slowly chipped away at our relationship. I kept settling and settling until I just wasn't happy anymore. So I feel I understand.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (11 January 2015):
Everyone needs their space. I know how maddening it can be to wait on someone and not get a response. Now your trouble would have started if he hadn't even replied to your text.
Give him some breathing space. Sometimes a person just wants to relax after getting home. Don't expect your romance to be like what your read about or see in the movies. Understand his personality and if you decide you are compatible deal with it.
Try not overthinking things. It's never helped anyone
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female
reader, MSA +, writes (11 January 2015):
I understand you miss him lots during the time he was away and hope that he would text or call you immediately when he arrived home.
Did you ask him to call you as soon as his plane landed?
There's lots of possibilities why he didn't call you. Might be that his phone was out of battery. Might be that he's tired and jet lagged. Might be many resasons. Why not just ask him? No reason to assume and then get mad about it. Just let him know that you really missed him and was hoping that he'd contact you as soon as he got home, but he didn't and that left you worried. Ask him if something happened that he wasn't able to contact you. Let him know that in the future you'd like at least a text from him to let you know he's safe.
My BF and I are in a LDR. After he had visitied the first time, he didn't call me as soon as he got home. A million things ran through my head, does he not like me anymore, etc? I asked him why. He said he was so tired and missed his bed so much, he went straight to sleep. Men are practical like that. I asked if next time he can just send me a quick text to let me know he got home safe. Now, we call each other after we arrive home.
Don't be too upset over this. This is one of many minor issues that can be easily resolved by communicating with each other.
Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2015): You know he isn't the best communicator so why are you still with him? You don't go into a relationship with a totally incompatible person with the intent to change them.
He makes you mad all the time and doesn't show he cares.
So maybe he's not that into you.
You track his every move, and you expect him to check-in with you every minute and on the hour. If you don't hear of a plane crash report on the news, you can assume his flight arrived as scheduled. My dear lady, you are just full of demands and expectations.
If you ask me, he likes getting away from you. I think he feels smothered, and uses every excuse he can think of to steal moments just to breath and be alone.
Reading your post certainly gives one the impression of a very clingy and critical person. If he's an awful inconsiderate boyfriend. Dump him!
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