A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:PLease no one judge me, I know what I'm about to reveal is horrible. I know it and I hate myself. That being said, I couldn't help falling in love with the man I'm seeing on the side. I am married and have a child. The ONLY reason I haven't gotten a divorce is for my child. Once I became a parent I promised myself I would make SURE he would have both parents in his life. He would never be a child of divorce. My husband is also a good man, a great father. But I simply feel out of love. I've prayed and prayed till I ran out of breath. But I was never able to feel that chemistry I once had with my husbamnd. It is completely dead. We have practically no sex life. Our life is raising our boy and our jobs. So, I met this man who fills me up with passion and that long lost lust I thought I'de never feel again. I am so ashamed, but I can't help but wanting to be with him whenever I can. I only see him once a week.The worst part is that the other man has no knowledge that I am married with a child!!!! So I'm lying to both men!! I rather die than to hurt anyone... so far, no one is hurt. No one knows of the existence of the other. But I know at some point it sall going to crash. What the hell do I do now? Is there someone out there who can relate. Please tell me I'm not the only monster out there..
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (28 January 2011):
OP, you are correct that my daughter is very resilient. She gets that from me. I'm an eternal optimist and I never let anything hold me down, at least not for long. There's no doubt that my daughter's nature made it easier for her to cope with the divorce, but steps were taken to make the transition easier (such as my ex-wife moving out of the house in a phased manner).
In the end you are the one who has to live with your decisions, so only you can decide the right path out of your predicament. My last bit of advice is to remind you that life isn't a rehearsal. We only get one shot at it.
Keep us posted and I wish you the best!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): thanks for the update.
the only way to rectify this is to be completely honest and purge yourself from lies and half truths.
if you truly want to become a better someone, and i think you do, then enough of the drama, and start becoming the person you need to be (meaning you were honest once, you were truthful once. you need to get back the "old" you, the you without the double life).
it takes a strong person to admit wrongs and a even stronger person to walk away. end the lies with your hb. you are robbing him of a life with someone else. you are stealing his happiness by staying with him and you are holding him back from truly living a better life. if he holds any place in your heart you will release him.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLoveGirl, I understand you point and agree with alot of what you are saying. This is wihout a doubt a CON. I have without a doubt been a liar and a cheat. Its funny, I've always loathed people like me. But I own it and take full responsibility, I am not in denial. I am not a sociopath without a conscience. I know this is wrong and it is killing me. I was raised differently. I know this HAS to come to an end, either my affair or my marriage. This is why I posted here in the first place. I am seeking opinions to give me direction. I am not justifying anything. Everything has been a clear and conscious choice, I am not a victim. I understand clearly what needs to be done. My conscience is obviously killing me and I need to take action soon. I know cons and deciet don't last and they shouldn't. I am imperfect, weak and filled with sin. Never claimed innocence here. I just feel horrific about it. It has been 6 months of lying and I've come to a breaking point.
I will update on this situation soon...have my work cut out for me for sure. Thank you for the candid responses.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): Doublejack, you are realistic. I get your point and I agree with it. I can definitely rate you a 11.OP, your situation is not different. You just choose to justify it.Your game is almost up and you son will soon find out the real you. I hope you are prepared for his discovery. I trust your hb will be the pillar of strength for him when he goes through the emotional trauma.OP have you thought of seeing a psychologist. I think you need one pronto. You have had very self serving views and if truth be told you are in denial. You have not fully grasped the severity of your lieing and adultery. You started off well with your original post but as you revealed more of yourself I find that you are not as 'together' as you project. Deep seethed issues, coupled with the excessive lies and double life, may mean jack to you, but in reality the sooner you sit in front of a therapist the better your understanding of why you are comfortable with your double life.As for your lover, he deserves to know that he is being taken for a sucker/fool. As for your hb, he doesn't know u at all, does he? You of lies and secrets and a colourful second life. You may be viewed as a 11 but darling it doesn't negate your wrongs. Well your words were golden to your hb telling him if he doesn't take care of you, someone else will. In the end I am surprised that you actually sleep fittingly at night. I will hand it to you. You have played your con game for a long time. The problem with con artists is that sooner rather than later their game is up.So what happens after the con? Do u try to convince your lover, do u justify your double life, do u take responsibility for your actions or do you just remain you??My greatest fear is that your son will turn out to be a young man who has no respect for women. He (unknowingly) is exposed to your sordid lifestyle and one day, he will view you with such contempt. Parents sometimes mess up their kids lives to such an extent that it takes years and years to help them deal with their dysfunctional lives.In all of this your son is the true victim. In all of this he is going to pay the price and sadly when you realise to change your cheating was, it will be too late.Your hb has no cooking clue what is about to happen to his blissful ignorance.LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI respect your views, and your opinion. But I still believe my situation is different. We can't compare cases, wives nor children. First, in my case I was left for months at a time without intimacy..it wasn't normal. I am not full of myself God knowns I have hang-ups, but I'm rated as an "11" by many people. I take VERY good care of myself and pride myself in looking great. So, it made no sense why this man wouldn't jump on me all the time. I get hit on constantly. It was only a matter of time before I faltered. I would tell him all the time, you better take care of business or someone else will jokingly. Anyway, if he wouldn't of taken me for granted I would of NEVER cheated. I love him, I wanted to stay married. But it's ridiculous to live celibate in my sexual prime, at 30. I can;t do it. I am not mother theresa and don't want to be. Second, we really are lovong towards eachother. It's bizarre. We have pet names, kiss, hold hands, and otherwise act very loving. My son sees this. He DOES NOT see any tension or weirdness. And Third, your daughter sounds lile a very resilient and strong child. My son,trust me...he will be crushed. He is not resilient that way. He is a creature of habit and familiarity. He ADORES both me and Dad. If it were hostile in any way, I wouldn't be this torn. The decision would be easy. This is why I'm so tortured... However, you do have a very very good point: he will have to deal with it sooner or later and it wont be less painful.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (25 January 2011):
OP, you can't tell me anything about children and divorce that I don't already know, having gone though it. It is a complete myth that divorce MUST be a devastating experience for every child. I used to believe that lie myself, which is why I waited for a couple of years after I found out my ex-wife was cheating, trying to "make the marriage work". I now realize that I was completely wasting my time and actually being counterproductive.
Now, there is definitely some short term heartache for a child when their parents divorce. That's unavoidable. However, you have to accept that the child will experience this pain at any age, whether six, twelve or eighteen. When a child's parents split it hurts them, period. The keys to getting the child back on the right track are working to make the split amicable (the more the parents fight the larger the impact will be), and having the proper support in place for the child.
I can tell you that it has been a year and a half after the divorce was finalized my daughter has zero negative effects from it. She's the same bright, cheery child she was beforehand, and she still dreams the same dreams. As I stated previously, if anything she's doing better now than ever before.
In contrast, a good friend of mine was deceived in the same way you are talking about deceiving your son. My friend always knew his parents were colder toward each other than the other couples he was around growing up, but it wasn't until his younger brother turned 18 that the bomb was dropped. It took 10 years for him to believe that any woman could be trusted because of what happened, and his family is now completely dysfunctional. So, tell me again why adultery is the better option.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Coming from a family of a loveless marriage, and having friends around me whose parents have been divorced, I can honestly say that yes, divorce sucks, but knowing your parents don't love each other and is only staying on because of you isn't any better off either. And even if all involved parties are oblivious, don't you think once the cat is let out of the bag everyone involved will feel betrayed and be hurt even more? It's better to detonate the bomb yourself than have it blow up in your face. You think your son would honestly say, "Thanks mom for sacrificing your own happiness to keep it together while I was growing up."? I for one know that I wouldn't. I would be disgusted.Stop using your son as an excuse for not ending this shit sooner. Break it off with your lover and be honest with your husband. Sure, things are going to be in the pits for a while, but at least you won't feel like you're torn into two trying to keep up with both sides of your life. I know you're trying not to hurt anyone (and I can relate to that -- I've been caught up in a relationship where I didn't love the other party as well before), but love is always full of hurts, and trying to 'spare' them is just cruel on your part. They say ignorance is bliss, but really who wants to be lied to and kept ignorant? You've made a few bad decisions, and are now walking a thorny path because of it. But you can get yourself out of it, and it's nobody's choice but you. It's your life, your happiness, your decisions. Don't drag others into it, for better or for worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI disagree doublejack. I deal with children of divorce on a daily basis, because pf my line of work. I see first hand what divorce and breaking up a home does to children. It is DEVASTATING. Im not saying adultery is ok or condoning it. BUT, if you find yourself in a sexless marriage in my opinion I find it less selfish to have something DISCRETE on the side, just 2 consenting adults, rather than go through an entire divorce just to have sex. I mean, at least to me its a no brainer. Im sure when my son is an adult and witnesses our divorce later on, he'll say Thanks mom for sacrificing your own happiness to keep it together while I was growing up." I think it's the ulimate sacrifice. How easy it would be to go shack up with another man right now and say screw everyone. Im sorry, but this is my opinion. It's not an easy thing to do, but it is my cross to bear. I am willing to live with my own conscience. Besides, NO ONE is without sin, NO ONE. This is mine.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (24 January 2011):
"No...I think adultery was the less harmfull option"
There's your mistake. Adultery is really never the less harmful option. Divorce is something that children can handle as long as they get the proper support. Meanwhile, you're completely dismissing the long term effects that will kick in when your son learns his childhood was all an illusion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy son is not left alone btw fyi. He's with his dad.
Im sorry but women have needs. My husband has taken me for granted for years, let me go months at a time without sex. I found it on the side. Im not proud of this and don't condone this behavior. But my other option was getting divorced, destroying my family and hurting every one for what? so i can have a good sex life? No...I think adultery was the less harmfull option. I know it's wrong, but it's better than breaking up my family. Either way...I know eventually my marriage wont last forever. I'm just waiting for the right time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): Yes your poor son who is going to have his life turned upside down bec his mother could not keep her legs together.
Your adulterous game is up. And you know it. Stop thinking of yourself as a victim, you are anything but one. YOU forced this situation on everyone and you care nothing about hurting them. Well I am glad it will soon come crashing down. In this way 2 innocent men can get on with their lives.
I actually find it despicable that you put your son to sleep, run around for sex with the other man and come back home while he was alone for hours. What happens if there was an emergency, a break in, anything? You put your son in danger and that is unforgivable.
You are a con woman and with con people they play their last con before the sh1t hits the fan. Leave your hb, and give him sole custody of your son. Your hb loves him and he is a good father. You do not want your son exposed to your cheating lifestyle. Your son needs stability and some sense of decency from his adult influence in his life. He basically needs his Father. You need therapy!
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI couldn't agree more with all your responses. I'm sure no one in their right mind envies the position I am in. It is pure emotional torture. You are absolutely right, the "other" man cannot be the man of my dreams if I'm lying through my teeth with him, DUH. I undertsand this. This is obviously not true love. It is just a full fledged lying cheating affair and it is completely disgraceful. Thank you for telling me EXACTLY what I needed to hear at this time. This is why I joined this site, to get some feedback on what I already know. Sometimes you just need to HEAR it from other people, anonymous people. Imagine, I cant trust NO ONE I know with this secret. I need to clarify though, that my son has NO CLUE of what is going on. He is oblivious. When I go out, he is asleep and I return from my rendezvous before he awakes. My husband thinks Im stayin at my gf's house who lives far. NO ONE knows and no one is getting hurt...except ME. I AM the one tortured by this. I know this marriage is over. The roomate situation will definitely come to an end sometime. My poor son. Thank you again for your frank responses.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (21 January 2011):
 I could be wrong, but I agree very strongly with the poster who said that if the other man finds out you are married he will run. Seriously. No one likes to be lied to, or to made into a fool. At the moment, whether you want to or not, you are making both of these men into fools. And the idea of waiting till your son is 16? Lets face it..that is EXTREMELY unlikely. You will not be able to wait that long, I truly doubt it. I was in a marriage where the love had died on my part. I lived with my husband for 2 years trying to be "friends and room mates". My husband knew of my distance, but didn't know the extent of it. It got to the point where I started to HATE him (he was an alcoholic), and I couldnt' hide it any longer. I hate to end it. Do you see what I mean? Your frustration will grow, no matter how hard you try to bottle them. You need to either fix the marriage, or end it. Its not fair to be inbetween the two. And don't doubt for a minute that your husband doesn't know something is wrong. He may be afraid, or unwilling to talk about it, but it doesn't mean he doesn't know. Or..who knows....maybe he's cheating on you??? Whatever is going on though, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. I think every aunt/uncle would agree on that. You are living in a fantasy, and the fantasy will end sooner or later. I strongly advise you to do something very soon. FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): You aren't being honest with yourself either.
Really, he has no idea that you are married and have a child, and he is the man of your dreams and you are the woman of his dreams?
He hasn't been to your house, doesn't know that you have a child, etc, etc, etc, and knows that you are the woman for him?
At your age that means either the two of you are acting like teenagers, or both are comfortable knowing nothing about each other.
More likely, you are in the full swoon of an affair, and just don't accept that if you put this kind of energy in to the marriage you'd see a different marriage.
What you are doing now is teaching your son that women cannot be trusted and will cheat on you and make a fool out of you behind your back...see, he will identify himself with his father when he begins to date.
You need serious help, counseling, read books on affairs and see what they do and what people are like in them, and what it does to children.
If your marriage is "dead", then work with counselors and work to end it, or fix it, and do the right thing.
Yes, you are living in fantasy, and the other guy is as well, because he doesn't know you and doesn't even know where you live...you don't get to "will you marry me" without knowing more than he does unless you are dealing with serious issues yourself.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (21 January 2011):
How long have you been seeing the other man? I ask because it sounds like you're still in the relatively early stages of the affair. You state "He is the man of my dreams" and say how perfect he'd be, and you're beginning to be upset by the fact that you can't see him as much as you'd like. This is a key turning point. You've fallen, hard, but are limited by the realities of your situation. Let me elaborate.
If you are staying in your failed marriage (that's really what it is) just for the sake of you child, then it stands to reason that your child is the main barrier to you being with the other man full-time. Your husband, meanwhile, may be a good man and father but you're just not in love with him any more. All the while your torment grows. How long will it be before you can't contain it? Will you lash out at your son or husband? Consciously or subconsciously, you have a motive to be upset with both of them, as they are in their own way preventing you from being with the man who makes you happy.
So maybe things at home aren't that bad... yet. I believe it is just a matter of time. If your marriage is that far gone to where you view your husband as a roommate & co-parent more than anything else, and are already planning some future escape when your child is "old enough", then invariably the other shoe will drop. Maybe you'll crack. Maybe your husband will find out, or perhaps he'll confront you with his suspicions if he already knows. Any way you slice it, things could really unravel, quickly, if you don't take some action.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe other guy is not married, never been married and has no children. He is completely in love/lust with me. He has even talked about getting engaged!! (GULP AND CRINGE) I know. I love him. He is the man of my dreams. BUT Im starting to feel like, I need to break this insanity up soon. Take the secret to my grave and give up this man. Or Wait until my son is a little older (maybe 16 or has a gf)and able to cope better with the imminent divorce that will happen eventually? OMG..i am loosing my mind over this. I'm sure many of you are saying good, you deserve it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I needed to hear something. I am sick over this. To the first gentleman, I am SO SORRY you were once the husband who got cheated on. However, my situation is different in that my husband and I have a PERFECT life at home. I kmow it sounds bizarre, but we NEVER fight, never have been disrepectful of another and we get along fine, in fact perfect. The ONLY issue is lack of sex. That is IT. other than that I love him. As a roomate? OMG it's horrible. He is absolutely CLUELESS of wt is going on. Like I said, I rather hurt myself than cause any pain to my husband. I will take this secret to my grave, but will NEVER hurt him with the truth. It would devastate him. My chhild sees two loving parents, no tension no bickering. Give me your opinion on this crazy idea ...I thought about waiting for my child tp be at least 16, when he's a young man probably will be in love of hv a girlfriend by then, to get a divroce. That way it won't affect him THAT bad. If I broke our home now for selfish reasons, Id be WORSE than a monster I believe. I rather give up my happiness for the time being and WAIT IT OUT. My husband is npot stupid either. He must be doing something to satisfy his own needs, and I don't want to know. What you don't know won't hurt you right?The other guy, well....it will probably end anyway. I've accepted the fact I will pay the price of loosing him and loosing the love of my life. I am willing to make that sacrifice to not hurt my family. Even if I break it up, make up some lame excuse, then get back when I get divorced? If he's still single? OMG. I need some kind of consolation...I am breaking down. It hurts so bad. I know I deserve it.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (21 January 2011):
I won't judge, but I'll say that I was the man married to a woman like this. Please, do you and your husband a favor and file for divorce. That's where this is headed anyway, and I can say from experience that you aren't doing your child any favors. Since my ex and I divorced our daughter has done better in school and the home environment improved dramatically. Instead of one home filled with tension and neglect, she splits time between two homes where she is treasured and loved.
As far as the other guy, my bet is he bolts as soon as he finds out the truth. What you've got with him is a fantasy, not a real relationship. That's what an affair is.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (21 January 2011):
You are not the only person in the world leading a double life. You asked not be judged, so I won't. BUT...surely you do realize what your secret life is doing to you, right? There is no way that you will be able to continue this forever. Something is going to happen, and one or both men are going to find out. As hard as it may be, you are going to HAVE to tell them the truth. Secrets never stay secrets! I would imagine that both men will be hurt and disappointed. If you don't love your husband in the right way, you are doing him a disservice by staying with him. End the marriage. As far as the man on the side, you have to prepare yourself that he may not take too kindly to suddenly finding out that you are married, and he has been involved in an affair unknowingly. And then to add a child? You have to realize that he could drop you like a hotcake. Or perhaps he'll be understanding. Who knows? But you absolutely should come clean. The stress alone of hiding this from 2 people has to be maddening. I wish you well, I don't think you are a bad person, but you've gotten yourself into a bad mess. Please remember to think of your child, the most vulnerable and innocent party in all of the equation. Good luck, this will certainly not be easy.
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