A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really, really need advice because I'm desperately unhappy and hopelessly confused. I used to be in a relationship with a guy (say X) two years ago. It was an intense, passionate relationship but there was trouble from the beginning. I didn't like his casual approach towards life, borrowing money, changing jobs and basically leading an unstable life where he never knew how he'd feed himself the next day. I sometimes felt like we weren't well matched and that there were communication problems. We fought all the time. But what kept us together was the warmth and passion we felt for one another. It was something new for me because I've always had problems opening up to anyone physically. He was an exception. The fighting and bickering got worse every day. We did patch up often but the fights never ceased. Everything he said or did irritated me. I was always mothering him around, telling him to mend his ways, be more responsible etc. It was taking a toll on my peace of mind. Meanwhile I met this man on the internet (Y) and we became good friends. I began to rely on him emotionally and soon I couldn't do without him. We were extremely compatible and I can't recall ever having an argument with him. He's twice divorced and has children from his first marriage, who live with his first wife. He's devoted to his children and his mother. With time, we began falling in love. We spoke for hours on the phone and did everything that people do when they're apart....write letters, video chat, send email, text, Skype etc. I broke up with X. After I told X about Y, X began giving me hell for three months, sending me abusive texts, apologetic texts and texts begging me to go back to him. He sort of made my life miserable in those few months. Ultimately I informed his boss at work and only after that did he stop harassing me. Y was supposed to visit me but I had some issues back then and asked him to postpone. He's going to visit in September. He has already made it clear that he doesn't want an affair only but is looking for something more permanent and stable. Everything was fine till the time I began talking to X again on the phone (for matters unrelated to our former relationship) and one thing lead to another, and I found myself getting back with him. We began having sex again and behaving just like a couple, like we used to be. But the same sort of arguments happened all over again and I found myself behaving like a short-tempered, irritable woman who was always finding fault with X and putting him down. All this doesn't seem to bother him in the least and he wants me to marry him. I keep telling him to get a stable job but he says that he will do so only if I promise to marry him otherwise he'll live the way he's living now. If I marry him, I see a life of intense passion but constant turmoil. I will have to mother him all my life, try to get his life in order, take care of his finances, the practical side of life etc. while he waltzes around in his dream world, even though he promises to become more serious if I am with him. If I leave him and choose Y, I see a reasonably happy and stable life, with many of my dreams coming true (because we want the same things from life) but without the overwhelming passion that I feel for X. I need to take a decision before Y comes to visit me because I can't go on like this forever, loving two men and not being able to decide. I really, really don't know what to do. Y is the sort of person I am unlikely to ever come across again in my life, he's nearly perfect (just a little boring sometimes). But I've never felt more comfortable and myself with anyone else other than X (I don't feel self-conscious or the need to be anyone I'm not...he's seen me at my worst and he also brings out the worst in me). What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): Hi
You need to let the internet friend go as you have already been unfaithful. Your passion is your ex and unless you can find that passion with someone else you will risk always going back.
As much as woman want stability and someone they can rely on, but that will never be enough and you will seek out your passion.
You need to find someone that can satisfy you completely and not make a compromise or you will become a cheating partner.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (18 July 2012):
 As many of the aunts have advised on here before, I would be very careful with falling "in love" over the internet and meeting a man in person who you have never met before. Internet friends are often a fun diversion that can turn into something serious in our minds, but please be careful. You do not know this man's behaviors and habits, you have not seen how he functions in real life, and how he treats family and friends. You only know what he has told you which could be a total lie....how would you know? Some of us spoke with a woman earlier today who met a man she adored who had lied to her about some very basic information. I know you think you like him, and he is quite possibly a wonderful guy, but please be careful. Sometimes it is better to keep internet friends on the internet. I am concerned that you think you can find someone nearly "perfect" on the internet when you have not met him or gotten to know him in real life.
As for your guy in real life...If you are not happy with him then you need to stop accepting his calls and stop having sex with him. Don't go back into a relationship you know is not any good for you.
It is possible that neither of these men are right for you. If you do decide to go out with internet guy, let other people know where you are going, who you are going with, and when they can expect to hear from you. As much as you think you trust an online friend, you really can't take the chance.
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A
female
reader, couchcat +, writes (17 July 2012):
wow! you are stuck btween a rock and a hard place. but i think the answer is obvious...Y. i think if you stuck with X, the passion will soon die out, and you cant keep going on only passion, there has to b way more involved in a relationship than just that. passion of course is an awesome feeling aint it? BUT..you have stability & trust with Y. I think X is just pacifying you with that he will change once you (hopefully not) got married. X is never gonna change, cuz if he actually loved you, he would be doing what you need him to, getting job etc. personally i think hes just using you (X) heck, he might as well be living w/his mother if he wants to be taken care of, no worries in the world if someone else pays for everything & does everything right? X needs to be a permanent EX. Y needs to be the choice, no hands down!
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