A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I am 18 years old and he is more than 10 years older than me. A massive problem has arised which is my apparent "dress sense". I am constantly called a slag and a attention seeker for wearing what I see normal clothes. If he was like this from the start then prehaps I would question myself about my dress sense but he's only really changed in the last year. I am not allowed to wear leggings, shorts of any kind would cause a massive problem. I am told off if I don't wear a scarf to cover my chest area. He doesn't like me wearing heals. And always sais that I'm a slag because I don't wear enough long coats. What up don't understand is that he likes to look good himself, will always wear Designers and fresh clothes. Whilst constantly telling me that he gets stares from other women. Am I in the wrong? Part of me thinks my mind has been warped but the other part sees so many beautiful women of all ages showing their innner beauty inside and out- I have lost all confidence because of this.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (8 March 2012):
Please get out of this relationship OP. This man does not deserve the wonderful and talented girl that you are. He will destroy you, in fact he is already in the process of doing this. From your follow up it seems you are beginning to realize this, which is the first step out of this mess.
You will have to be tough, it will be hard and he will use every technique from the handbook to get you to stay. He will guilt trip you, he will put the blame on you, he will try to convince you that you're nothing without him. So brace yourself, keep reading our responses and know that none of the above is true.
You still have a bright future ahead of you. You can still fulfill your dreams. But you need to respect yourself again and free yourself from your boyfriend in order to max out your potential.
You also have to realize that his flaws are a part of him now that will never change. He is in his early thirties. The behavior he exhibits now will for the most part be what he's like in his 50's and beyond as well. This is who he is and will remain to be. Are you up for that? From your post it seems you've had enough for a lifetime.
You want a good life. You have the potential and talent. Go get it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): Hi again,
I posted earlier and came back to follow the rest of the conversation. From the sound of your most recent post, I will correct one thing: it is NOT ok to stay with him. Dump him because you're actually at risk of seeing the situation escalate into physical abuse. A healthy relationship should be one that enables you to be the best you can be, and most of all, it should make you feel safe. Good luck.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Actually, I think that EMOTIONAL ABUSE is much WORSE than physical abuse. We don’t have the external proof that we are being abused but the abuser wears at our souls and our minds and beats us down over and over till we are gone….. and no one but US sees it. Until we get strong enough we can’t leave…. At least with physical abuse others may see it and they may prod us on to leave.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): Thank you for your responses. They have been very helpful towards understanding what I am going through. The point that was made about him being over 30 was correct. And due to the two years and lack of confidence even though I achieved all As and Bs in my gcse's I took a yer out an have returned after a year and am finding it extremely hard with everything that has gone. I have such a bright future before and feel like I have lost everything which is prehaps why I just listen to everything he sais. Physical abuse is bad enough. But the emotional words and torments I think will affect me for the rest of my life :(
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 March 2012):
In general I have no problem with age gap relationships, but I'm always wary of the ones between mature men and super young, impressionable girls.
What I'm seeing here is a man who is around 30, maybe even older than that, who strives to control everything. He is insanely jealous and instead of dealing with that head on, he projects it onto his gf by calling her names and making a big deal out of how she dresses, even if it is conservative. His gf yields to this because she is at least 10 years younger than him, basically barely out of highschool while he's had that, college and a chance to get his career into gear. He deals with you like you're his property, a car he owns, a dog he has. Dogs have masters. People don't.
Your bf has been around the block and knows a grounded woman his own age wouldn't swallow his shit for one second, let alone long enough for a relationship. That's why he picked you. You're naive, impressionable and most importantly, you are not experienced enough to know you deserve so much better than this.
Dump this guy. It'll be the best thing you did in a long time.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2012):
So when you were a young and impressionable (moldable) TEEN just past being a child, this OLDER man who was at least 26 grabbed you up and started to SHAPE you the way HE wanted is that what I’m reading?
HE calls you a slag (which I assume is a BAD thing since I’m American and have no clue) which is name calling WHICH IS ABUSE.
What I find so funny is the taste that men have. I’m 52. I am old enough to be your older man’s MOTHER and my fiancé who is 38 requests LEGGINGS on me on a regular basis. He prefers them to pants. I am also asked to keep my cleavage and neck visible. He prefers me in short skirts and high heels. The reason I tell you this is to show you what self-confidence and security can do for a relationship. My partner is secure that I am not leaving him. He is secure that I am his love and his one and only and as such he wants to BRAG to the world how beautiful and sexy I am. His insecurity does not rule how I dress. NOR does HE rule how I dress. While he hates pants, he has NO say in how I dress for work or going out with friends. I do give him some say in what I wear on date night.
YOU are NOT wrong. Your BF is controlling and taking advantage of your youth. While I am very very supportive of most age gap relationships that is based on the fact that they are EQUAL and RESPECTFUL which is not what I am seeing in your relationship.
I think that leaving him will be what you will do eventually anyway so I recommend that you leave sooner rather than later…
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Oh my! Dump his "old" ass and dress as you please!!! Find a man who can HAVE a beautiful girlfriend and try and hide her in a sack!
Honey he is destroying your self confidence and your self esteem, because he is a controlling insecure BOOB!
Next it will be your hair, what you eat, who you can be friends with,when you can leave the house,what color to paint your toenails... that he wants to control. STOP being a doormat.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): I'm not curvey at all. Roughly a size 10. I must also add that my dads a baptist minister- I've been brought up with respect. Im in college and I work part time so I rarely have time to go out, roughly once a month if that. It's resulted in him not liking me wearing make up aswell. It's really destroying my life- hes the only boyfriend I've had and it feels I can do nothing right. He always tells me that an older woman would dress more respectively yet the girls he's attracted to have attractive quality and wear nice clothes...because I see him looking at them. My friends and family would say exactly the same thing but I always listen to him because the way how he speaks to me is as though he is always right
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): Dump him. He is insecure and controlling. He wants to look good himself and boast he is attractive to women while undermining you and trying to make you dress in a plain unappealing way. You are young and it is very concerning that he should treat you like this. I would say this could become an emotionally abusive relationship. Please be wary - be your own person, dress as you please despite him and if he's unhappy with that, tough. Part of the pattern with men like this is that they wear away your confidence, self esteem and soon you are in there power. All in all - get out now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): Wow. You say he is more than ten years older than you. By how many years because he sounds like a possessive granddad!But even a granddad would have to be a rubbish one to call a girl a slag for wearing leggings. A slag is a term of verbal abuse and it means a worthless person. And/or someone who sleeps around a lot and doesnt care who they sleep with. I am sure you are none of the above and a man that truly loved and respected you, would never suggest you look like a slag! You were a 16 year old kid when you met this character. He sounds as if he had/has issues with his self esteem and confidence and a young girl made him feel in control and important. Now you are `growing up` he doesnt want you to become a confident woman, because he cant handle the thought of you being in control of yourself and he is probably running scared that you will leave him. So in order to keep you down and lacking in confidence and security, he has started to be verbally abusive and mess with your head by making you feel that other women want him and you look `nasty` when you are dressed up. He is trying to undermine you. And that is a real shame because you should be blossoming into womanhood, developing your own fashion style, confidence and self esteem. Instead, he is pulling you down and will probably leave you with a complex or two. Not how he should be treating you at all! He is trying to make you as insecure as he is. I sincerely hope he does not succeed. Dress how you want and be who you want to be and if he does not like it, just say `Thanks for the fashion tips, Dad!` Carry on being yourself, he can either get used to it and stop calling you names. Or if he really thinks wearing a pair of leggings makes you a slag, he can always leave and find another 16 year old kid to mess with. Honestly? I think this guy has a lot of issues, do not allow him to pass them on to you. Be strong and most importantly...be true to yourself. Do not worry about what he says because he does not have your bests interest at heart, he is just worrying about himself.Find a good, non abusive guy your own age who wants you to be confident, would be my advice x
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (7 March 2012):
 You are not in the wrong at all - he has no right to call you that awful name and if he loved you or respected you at all he would never dream of saying that to you.
You simply want to dress like a normal 18 year old, it isnt like you are wanting to go out in mini skirts and low cut tops all day! He is the one with a problem, not you - so he either needs to deal with his issues, or you walk away.
He is insecure, controlling and selfish - he is not being a good boyfriend and as I said before, if he really loved you he would never say that to you. You dont have to put up with this, this isnt normal behaviour in a relationship and he shouldnt be allowed to get away with it.
Most men will like it when you dress nice because they are proud they have such an attractive girlfriend - most men would never dream of telling you what you can and cant wear, and tell you to cover up. Your boyfriend is obviously very jealous and has trust issues, otherwise he wouldnt have a problem with you dressing in a slightly more revealing way. If he wants you to wear long coats and scarves he is trying to make you hide your body away so no-one but him can see you, this is very controlling behaviour and is very wrong.
Dont put up with this, his behaviour really isnt normal and you dont deserve this. Tell him that you have had enough, you are going to wear what you want to wear and either he deals with his issues or you walk away. Simple as that.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 March 2012):
 He is trying to destroy you. He is old and you are young, he is frightened that you will leave him one day. So he tries to make you scared of the world, lack confidence and have no self esteme. That's why he tells you about other women who want him, so you will be afraid he will leave you and find someone else. That's why he wants to cover you from head to foot, if your sad and hidden, no man will notice you...And it's working, you actually listen to what he says instead of tell him to shut up, stop making noise because you will dress as you please. When a man starts calling you nasty names like "slag", it's time for you to leave, not ask his permission to be able to wear decent clothes that don't cause you to die of heatstroke.Tell this old man to piss off, he's supposed to be your lover not your grandfather.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): Hi,
A relationship should be based on respect and your bf is way out of line to call you a 'slag'. You say that he is 10 years older than you. The age gap may be to blame. He may think he has more experience and as a consequence more rights. Wrong! He also seems to believe that his boyfriend status gives him the right to tell you what to do and verbally abuse you. You need to realise that it shouldn't be like that. Speak to him as soon as possible and warn him that if he continues with the verbal abuse you will end the relationship.
Being a relationship is being part of a partnership and he has to let you be who you are without trying to control you. Don't let him shatter your self-confidence. Set some boundaries! If he is cooperative you can give him a trial period. If he fails to change, you don't have to put up with it, just leave him, I'm sure there are many guys out there who'd be glad to make you a happy girl. Good luck!
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (7 March 2012):
 You're young, you're hot and chances are he's threatened by it. Why? Because he's much older than you. He knows he's the old guy with the young, hot girlfriend. He doesn't want you to show skin because he's an insecure douche. He knows your looks will draw attention from men. He thinks if men approach you, you will realize that you have options when it comes to men and dating. That you could leave him for a younger, a more successful, a smarter, a more fun, a kinder or a more charming man. So to keep you down, he's controlling how you look in public. The sad thing is you're letting him control you! He's older, more experience and you somehow feel you should follow his lea. This is why I'm against younger women such as yourself dating older men. They nearly always end up having too much control in the relationship and in your case, it's affecting your self-esteem. NEVER let any man tell you what to do. And NEVER let any man dictate what you can or can't wear. Why are you listening to this colossal control freak?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Slag. I hate that word, he has no right to be calling you, or anybody else this.
I'd sit him down and explain the facts of life to him, ie, if you want to wear leggings you will wear leggings, if you want to wear shorts, you will wear shorts, if you dont want to wrap yourself in a scarf you will not wrap yourself in a scarf and if you want to wear heels you will wear heels. Let him know that if he isnt comfortable with the way you dress he needs to either get comfortable or get out as he is in danger off appearing to be a controlling jerk.
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female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Your boyfriend is very insecure. I wouldn't change a thing about my wardrobe and it's time you told him to back off. He has no right to tell you how to dress. He's obviously freaking out because he's afraid other men will notice you and perhaps lure you away from him. It's al mind control. Tell him straight up that you'll dress how you want (just like he does) and you don't want to discuss your wardrobe anymore. Be strong. If he can't deal with that, it's time to find someone who respects you. You are not a puppet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): No guy especially your bf should make you feel that way. You should be able to dress in whatever makes you feel good. He more than likely is afraid you will get more attention from guys so he makes a big deal of the little things you wear.
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