A
male
age
36-40,
*erts
writes:Dear Cupids,I know people have standards but I feel like I rule out woman by my dating pickyness. I am looking for someone who is around my stature(5'11). Someone a little shorter than me and skinny to big boned. I have graduated college(2 years ago) and currently working in my career path. I want someone who has finished college. I am looking for someone who has goals and working towards their future. Wants to go on adventures, travel but also wants to save. Someone who wants to split financials evenly(ie: house/rent). Someone who is tolerant, and understanding. A giver, confident and caring. Attraction is a plus but a good heart and mind last a lifetime.I know people say be yourself and miss right will come around but I feel like I keep running into miss wrong.I can use this list to look for these things in myself more but a friendly woman companion is what I would like. I can get dates and don't mean to sound shallow but just have an idea of what I want. What is everyones thoughts? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): Ok I see where you're coming from with your list, my brother has a similar one. Anyways, why don't you use it as a guideline not a checklist. Look for someone with similar ideals as you. Wants fun and life to be an adventure. Wants an education and may still be finishing it, but wants to be educated. Don't worry so much about money matters, that can come later. As for the caring and giving part, you need to know someone for a lot longer than a few dates to fully understand that aspect so maybe worry about it a bit later, but keep it mind. As for the height, that's personal preference but keep like a large span and only use it as a guideline. I may be odd and live in an odd area but there arent that many girls below 5'7 where I live, the short ones are very short though... But keep that range from about 5'6 and up. The same height would make you look shorter when she wears heels, wouldn't you think a shorter then 5'11 by like three inches is a good thing?Just look for someone you have easy flowing conversations and good chemistry with. Whatever you don't find in them off the list of guidelines will probably be overwritten by other great aspects you haven't thought of. As for how she looks I would say not to go for the high maintenance people. Look for someone who is just casual but she can clean up nice for you. Besides it's personality and mind that's key. Good luck!
A
female
reader, Audry09 +, writes (14 January 2013):
You want to know why you keep running into Miss Wrong? Because you're looking for all the wrong things. You did not once mentioned, you wanted someone funny who could make you laugh. Or someone who is a great listener. I don't know maybe someone who actually loves you and accepts you for who you are? Now I'm not saying standards are wrong. Is actually really great that you know who you are and what you deserve. But there are certain things that you need to focuse on if you are looking for your life partner. Stop focusing on looks, because looks eventually fade but a personality will always remain. Don't be close minded and accept that maybe there's a really great girl out there who maybe is a couple of inches shorter than what you want, but has other characteristics you might be overlooking and can make you the happiest man alive. Just consider that.
...............................
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 Just keep looking. It's a numbers game.
If you come across a Miss Wrong then don't waste your time and end it until you meet the right one. You only need one good one buddy.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 January 2013):
 I think you're really limiting yourself here and being way too nit picky. The person you wind up being best suited to might not have all the qualities on your list. What if you find someone who you have great chemistry with, but she's only 5'3"? I know one woman who is as tall as you want. She is a model and not really interested in dating because she's too busy having a successful career.
It's good to know what you want in terms of big picture and stick to it. You don't want to invest years with someone who will ultimately not be compatible. But in terms of the small stuff, you're going to have a much easier time finding someone if you loosen up your standards a bit and just kind of "go with the flow" so to speak. I totally agree that you shouldn't seeing for someone you aren't attracted to, but who you are attracted to isn't a formula. If you only want girls who fit your checklist, you might be missing out on the love of your life.
Picky isn't always bad, but you can't pick your partner out of a catalogue. Like while I wound up with someone who fits my ideals physically, we have NOTHING in common in terms of what we like to do and our personalities and it wound up making for amazing chemistry.
All I'm saying is that you are limiting yourself badly enough that you might never find someone if you have a thorough checklist. First work out the big things, then just see what happens. Who you wind up with might be someone who doesn't fit your checklist at all but makes you really happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (14 January 2013):
You might get some stick on here about being to prescriptive about the woman you want. Yet women draw up lists (mental or otherwise!) of the traits they need in a man. Then normally someone comes along who mostly fits the bill and the chemistry between you makes up for the boxes you didn't tick.Be open to meeting and dating women who don't meet all your expecations initially and you might be surprised. And anyway, all the new experiences and conversations you will have in the process can only be a good thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 January 2013):
 Ok well I think you are unrealistic with what you want, you seem to have a shopping list and love simply doesnt work that way! You have to let go of what you THINK you want, and be open to anything. From the sounds of things if a girl didnt match all your requirements you wouldnt consider her, but you are going to be missing out on a lot of great girls by doing this!
Lets go through your list one by one:
1. I am looking for someone who is around my stature(5'11). Someone a little shorter than me and skinny to big boned - it is great you are open to all shapes and sizes, however when you say you are looking for someone 'around my stature' you are limiting yourself MASSIVELY. The average height for a woman is 5"5, and many girls (myself included) are short. There are LOADS of girls out there who are 5"2 - 5"5, but by your rules you wouldnt consider them because they are short. What is wrong with dating a short girl? We can wear heels you know, we wont look tiny all the time! I am 5"3 and have dated men who are 6ft and over, even one who was 6"5! There were never any problems, I didnt feel silly, neither did the man and no-one ever said anything. 5"11 isnt that tall for a man, but it is tall for a woman so if you want a woman 5"8 and above, you are almost into model teritory and if you are saying you only want to date models, you are never going to find anyone!
2. I want someone who has finished college. Ok, so this would be an ideal - but lets presume you are 23 if you finished college 2 years ago (aged 21). In most relationships the man is older than the woman, and there are often age gaps of around 4 years. That would mean your pool of women who you are likely to date are aged 19-23. That means A LOT of them WONT have finished college, so is this really so bad? Just because you have finished college doesnt mean you cant date someone who is still studying, it doesnt make them immature or less suitable. Perhaps rule out those in their first year or two of college (because they are still out having fun and acting crazy) but after that there should be no problem dating someone still in college.
3. I am looking for someone who has goals and working towards their future - fair enough, this is good. I wouldnt date a man with no ambition and no goals, so it is perfectly acceptable for you to want the same in a woman. I wouldnt change this requirement at all, it is very important if you are career minded and ambitious yourself.
4. Wants to go on adventures, travel but also wants to save - again, this is fine. One tip though - if you want an adventurous girl DONT go for the girly girls, the pretty ones with perfect nails and hair are the ones that wouldnt dream of going outside, they wouldnt be able to cope without their hair straightners and would hate adventures. So keep that in mind if you see an attractive girl, chances are if she is really attractive she is high maintenance - natural beauty is what you need!
5. Someone who wants to split financials evenly(ie: house/rent) - this is OK in theory, but often doesnt work in practice. If you lived with your girlfriend, but earned a lot more money than her, then this would be completely unfair to expect her to pay equal shares of everything when she isnt financially in a position to. So this is a discussion WAY further down the line when you are thinking of moving in with someone, I wouldnt worry about it too soon.
6. Someone who is tolerant, and understanding. A giver, confident and caring. Attraction is a plus but a good heart and mind last a lifetime - sll of this is fair enough, but often you dont get to find these features out until you have known someone a while. So perhaps you are ruling women out too quickly, only dating them once or twice before you decide they dont show these qualities, when perhaps it would take 4 or 5 dates for you to see these qualities in a woman.
So overall, some of your 'list' is good and you should stick with it, but things like height, age (graduated college) and financials (leave those alone until at least 6 months into a relationship) you are being too fussy and need to ease off a little on these areas.
If you say you can get dates quite easily, then simply give these girls more time to show their true selves to you. Dont write anyone off after a first date (unless it is a real disaster), realise it takes time to get to know someone and you are not going to be able to tick off your entire list at the end of one date. Nor 2 dates, nor 3 dates - it takes months, even years, to get to truly know someone.
Keep an open mind at all times, be open to shorter, younger girls and try not to be so obessed with your list. Sometimes someone who appears completely wrong for you will blow you away and you will fall for them, and she will turn into miss right.
Take me for example - when I first met my current boyfriend I wasnt fussed, he didnt have a great job, he was a bit shorter than guys I usually date, he doesnt have that much money and he is not your typical 'hot' guy. However the more time I spent with him, the more he made me laugh and I realised that we had so much fun together, and I hated being away from him. So the job and the money didnt matter, and the attraction to him grew and grew until the point where now I think he is the most gorgeous man alive.
If you give someone a chance then you might just find that they completely change your outlook on dating and women, but you have to be prepared to give them a chance first.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 January 2013):
You're too young to settle. Not to mention there's no rush to get married, you have the rest of your life for that.
I had some great girlfriends when I was in my 20's but didn't meet the right person until I was just about 30.
...............................
|
