A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I'll make this quick. I've been with my boyfriend for several years now, and we don't live together. He's recently asked me to move in with him, as a bit of a first step towards settling down, but I'm currently in a position where I'm able and looking to buy my own home. He rents from his parents and will get half of the profits when the mortgage is paid off, so I can see why he's not keen to leave, but I also don't want to lose my own chance at owning a property. He said he won't marry me until we've lived together, so I feel like I'm kind of stuck. What would you do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (27 December 2014):
Thanks for the follow up, OP! It cleared up a lot.
Based on this info, in your shoes I would take the chance and buy the property you want. Opportunities like this don't come along often, if at all, so if you're in a position where you can grab that opportunity without having to walk on your toes to make a living, go for it!
Also, I think it could be a good base for you two to try living together, if you both hate living in his house/neighborhood. Honestly, I don't really see why he's clinging to it. Paying off a mortgage takes a lifetime for many people, so the whole "profits when the mortgage is paid off" part doesn't really seem worth the wait. It's a good thing you asked him to check the status on that.
"like I see it" also made a really good point in that if you settle for his wishes, you might resent him for it later. That's never a good thing to have in a relationship.
I would explain your situation to your boyfriend though. Not so he can be the judge on whether you go through with it or not (that is your choice and yours alone) but so he can see things from your perspective.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): Definitely protect yourself and buy your own place. I am in exactly your position and I value my financial independence. It does not make me or you cold hearted. In any case if later down the line you want to test run your relationship and move in with your boyfriend you can rent your property out while you decide if it can work. Is it possible your boyfriend has had his mind set on you getting a place together with your healthy deposit? Mmmmm. Nobody should make threats. Make wise financial choices for you first. Besides it will be fun to get your own place and it up just how you want. Nobody should make you feel bad about that.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (27 December 2014):
 I'll be the voice of dissent here and say this: unless he makes you a more significant commitment (i.e. engagement), he is, at the end of the day, ONLY your boyfriend. He could walk away from the relationship tomorrow, if he wanted. So could you.
My own boyfriend, for example, would prefer I quit my job and stayed home, because we both work weird hours that sometimes keep us apart. I'm in no hurry whatsoever to be engaged or married, but I've also told him that I'd never leave my job at his request while we are "only" dating, because if we were to break up I'd be scrambling to support myself. I'm not going to make major life decisions like that without a major commitment on his part.
Likewise, if home ownership is a big goal of yours and something that's currently within your power to achieve, shelving that goal at his request may not be the best choice for you - in fact it may be something you ultimately come to resent him for, especially if now is a good time in your local housing market to consider buying real estate.
True, if you marry him the two of you will pretty much have to choose one place or the other in which to reside, but you can always rent out the other house for extra income. And if, heaven forbid, the marriage didn't last forever, you'd still have a place of your own if you two were to go your separate ways.
Living with him before marriage isn't something you "owe" him if it's not something you're comfortable with, by the way. In many cultures this option wasn't permissible for hundreds if not thousands of years. In some cultures it still isn't. (Nor do you in any way owe it to him to mix finances before marriage, whether he'd prefer that or not. Financial advisors can give you a myriad of reasons why this isn't always a good idea.) And not for no reason is living together before marriage a bad move in some relationships, because it provides all the "benefits" with none of the formal attachments and sometimes eliminates the motivation to take that last step into actual marriage. Only you can gauge whether your partner is a person with whom this might become the case.
In your shoes I'd explain my position to my boyfriend and keep looking - and depending on the manner in which he informed you that marriage was "only" an option if you lived with him first, I might also be questioning my long-term future with someone who would try to manipulate my decisions with contingencies like that. Because to me, "I won't marry you unless you _____" is a bad precedent to set. If you cave, what says he won't use that line to get other things out of you that you don't want or aren't willing to give? Food for thought.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): Thank you both for your responses.
I suppose there are a few reasons for my wanting to buy a property. Firstly, I have recently come into some money, and alongside the government help to buy scheme I'm now in a position to get something really nice. This is not a long term offer from the government so I'm afraid if I don't take it now, I will not get the chance again.
The second is that my boyfriends house is not in a nice area. He also hates it and has a long-running feud with his next door neighbour which has been ongoing for at least the last 3 years since we started going out. If I'm honest, I don't like the idea of living in an 80 year old house in a rough area where the neighbour is constantly banging on the walls or calling the council for silly reasons. It sounds very stressful. I see why he wants to stick it out though. I've also asked him to check how long until the mortgage is paid on his current place as he doesn't know.
The third is that I guess I am scared of giving up the place I live now with nothing to show for it. I love him to pieces, but he's made it clear that this is a test run (which I understand but I also feel it adds pressure) and I'm worried that it won't work out for him and I'll have nowhere to go. At the same time though, I do know we need to live together to determine compatibility, but it seems like I am the one risking everything. It's very unlikely I'll be able to get as nice a place to rent for this price in the future as well, as I get a really good deal where I am.
I had initially suggested I buy this place and pay the mortgage on that while he continues to pay the rent on his own place, which he was ok with, but he said he's not sure if he wants to live in this area long term. Which is another issue as I do! So he's also thinking about that.
So yeah, lots of reasons!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): Are you the same girfriend who posted few months ago about your boyfriend not wanting to marry you and then your boyfriend posted about him not being ready to marry you and then he offered to live with you to see how it goes??
If this is what it is, you really need to figure out what is that you want???
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 December 2014):
Can I ask why you want to buy your own property first? I get the allure of owning something that you can truly call your own--when the mortgage is paid off that is-- but at the same time, why is it so important? Are you living on your own right now or would buying that property be that step?
Also, how long have you and your boyfriend been together? Several years can mean anything from 2 to 8, and that does make a difference. I need some more info before I can give you good advice.
Right now, the only thing I can say with certainty is that it makes sense for him to only want to marry you after experiencing living together first. That's when you truly find out if you're compatible. Some relationships only work when you have the breathing room living apart gives you. So it's definitely a good idea to find out before you tie the knot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): Buy your own place, live there for a while then rent it out once you have made your mind up. Don't be forced into doing something your not sure off. Ultimatums are no go areas xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): Save your money and keep looking. Unless you've put money down on a home already, what's wrong with living together to get used to sharing a home and getting a feel of married-life?
You also have to learn to merge your financial resources and set budgets together. Sharing these expenses now will give you more cash to stash to reach your dream! Too many people enter marriage; and then have to make these adjustments. That often complicates things. It's a matter of practicality. This will do you good. You may not like his habits, find great discomfort in sharing your space, or you're just not ready for anything so serious. You can agree on a time-table on how long you'll wait for the ring and proposal. If he refuses to do this, then all bets are off. Go buy a home.
He's not sure if you're both on the same page, and has every right to set some ultimatums of his own.
Women seem to often think they make all the sacrifices in relationships. News flash, well so do men!
Guys often put a lot on the line to show their commitment, and when they do; it's taken entirely for granted. I will give a male's point of view; because it is likely many women will rally to one-side, with no consideration for the other. Let's look at the whole picture, not just one side of it.
It's not like he's a loser sponging off his parents. He has plans for the future and wants you in it. Even if he doesn't marry you, you will have all the more money saved for your own home. Who says you have to stop looking? I'd say he's giving you more leverage. If he's bluffing about marriage altogether, you're holding all the cards! You can move-out into your own home.
If home-ownership is only in the planning-stage, what's the problem? He's serious about settling down; but he wants to be sure of your living compatibility, and your commitment to move on to the next phase of your relationship.
Allowing him to make that anticipated profit will increase your purchasing-power when (and if) you do both decide to marry. Married-couples and/or engaged-couples usually choose where they plan to live the rest of their lives, together!!!
Why don't you just come clean and let him know you're not ready for marriage, or sure if you want to marry HIM? If he's totally serious about marrying you someday, in his male-logic he's testing your priorities.
If you can't commit to living with him, it is unlikely you're seriously considering marriage to him. You certainly have every right to your independence, before and after marriage. He is trying to add a reasonable condition within the progression of your relationship. He places that condition within his rights. It is also within your rights to refuse.
I see no evidence of prudishness, nor a question of values indicated as to why you refuse. If you do? Perhaps he may feel neither HE, nor marriage to him, is your priority. If you choose your independence; this is how he'll know.
If you're purchasing a home on your own, it sends him the message you're not ready to share everything with him. Nor do you want him to share the experience of purchasing a home that you BOTH would like. Otherwise; you'd be looking for a home together. I already see a power-struggle brewing.
Perhaps this is a sign.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): What about buying your own place and renting it out?
Then you're on the property ladder and can live with your boyfriend at the same time . Would that work?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): Could you buy your own property and rent it out to cover the mortgage, move in with him until he's able to move back to your bought property?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): You can buy your own property and rent it out if you want to live with him.
Just agree that you won't be paying him any rent for living with him since you'll be paying for a mortgage.
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