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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid, I am an unhappily married woman with 2 children. My plan is to leave when my husband finishes school in June. There is a married man who is a friend of mine. His daughter and my daughter are classmates. He also owns an ice cream store which I normally visit almost daily. We talk a lot when I stop in at lunchtime. He's done a lot of flirting and has expressed how he is also unhappy. We talk for 45 min at a time. I can't stop thinking about how it would be if we had a relationship. I make plans for his daughter and my daughter to do things together just so I can see him more. His wife works a lot so he does most of the parenting as do I. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2006): And what will happen when you (or your married friend) become unhappy again? The same thing.
I can tell that you haven't had an honest discussion with your husband about your marriage. If you can't directly confront a problem with a commitment you made (which by the way produced two innocent children), what makes you think you're going to be able to do succeed in a relationship with someone else?
If you are intent on blindsiding your husband, then at least be single afterwards as recommended by missbunbury. You really need to be alone to do the honest assessment about why you didn't want to put in the effort to make your marriage work. Only when you are comfortable in your own skin will you find happiness in a relationship.
Good luck, and try to avoid or at least minimize the damage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2006): Two ruined marriages and two kids from broken homes..... Great.
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A
female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (15 March 2006):
 As I've said to a lot of people on this site before, it's a really bad idea to make decisions regarding potential relationships whilst still entagled in a current relationship. When you're with someone who makes you unhappy, your judgement is bound to be clouded by the unhappiness you currently feel, so you imagine that if only you were with someone else, you'd be happy. This simply isn't the case - rushing into a new relationship as a way of rescuing yourself from the old unhappiness is going to place massive pressure on the new relationship, and chances are it will fail under this pressure. New relationships should be fun and easy-going, and it's important to let them develop naturally.
Plus, quite frankly, this guy is married too, so it's a doubly bad idea. Think of the pain you could end up causing if you both rush into this - there are children involved, and you're already admitting that you use your daughter to get closer to this man. Now, that's not the worst crime ever, but imagine how you'd feel if the kids had a falling out and decided they never wanted to see each other again? Might you be tempted to push your girl into changing her mind just so you didn't miss out on your secret thrills? It's a slippery slope, getting kids involved in adult emotional transactions.
If you plan to leave anyway, I'd make it my mission to stay good friends with the guy, but to specifically avoid taking things any further for a set period of time - say three months of being single. This will give you time to make sure that this isn't just a case of the grass being greener on the other side. Once you're single, you'll also be able to discuss the situation more openly with the man - you may yet find out that despite his unhappiness, he's just one of those guys who'll never leave his wife. Or it may turn out he likes the idea of a fling, but gets scared off once you're single and available for a real relationship.
Please, think about what I've said - there are so many people in danger of getting hurt, and your first priority needs to be your kids. They'll be hurt enough to hear that their parents' marriage has crumbled, without also having to deal with a new man. Yes, your happiness is important, but if you take your time with this one you can ensure your kids are happy too, and that's got to be best all round.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (15 March 2006):
 The first thing you should do is find another snack. If you eat too much ice cream and gain weight, he'll move on to the next woman. Why are you doing this. You're ruining your family and his. Have you no shame? Work on your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2006): Forget about this man, try to fall in love with your husband again. I know is hard, but second marriages are hard. Think about the kids,family,friends, and yourself!!!
You need to have PEACE in your heart to make the right decision.
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A
female
reader, watrbot +, writes (15 March 2006):
leave him alone believe you me I know I am also interested in a married man that has expressed to me how unhappy he is in his marriage and how he wants to be with me and all that jive- well, its been 4 months and he is still with her- i've decided that I won't be one of those women anymore that wait and wait for something that probably won't happen. good luck in your decision
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