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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hello, about a month ago i posted a question about wanting to leave my abusive fiancee and needing help. i have decided to leave, and have a plan in place to get out of here as soon as i have the money saved .. probably mid april or so. i have found an apartment and am planning on leaving when he is at work. this is the problem: even though my fiancee is terrible to me ... he mostly OK w/ my 2 young sons (age 11 and 9) the majority of the issue is that they witness how he treats me, and of course this upsets them and is giving a horribly distorted impression on what a relationship is supposed to be like. my fiancee also has a son whom i am close to. the reason i need to leave when he is at work is b/c i don't know how i'll get out of here otherwise ... it's complcated. i feel like the kids should have an opportunity to say goodbye ... and that i'd like to say goodbye to his son as well. this is a long term relationship ... we've been together 6 years, and have been together as a family every day for the past 2 and a half years, and have lived together for about 7 months. even though we are not married, this FEELS like a divorce ... a lot of time and emotion invested by all. my question is: would it be wise to allow everyone to say goodbye, or should i just do my best to explain to my children, and let him explain to his son? i don't know how to handle this part of it and any suggestions would be great. if you would like to look at my original question for the background ... it was posted on 12-29 and is titled 'i am involved w/ a controlling man again, i want to leave but i am scared' ... thanks for your help!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Thank you very much for you're update. I'm glad you're all doing well. All the best for the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello, i just wanted to update that i have left, i did not tell my children before hand - and did enlist the help of my family. It was a terrible experience walking out that door - but i called my mother, said 'i'm leaving now, and i need your help' ... she was there within 30 minutes and we all left .... i went back the next day while he was at work, packed all of my belongings and left - that was a month ago. we are doing well .. and i finally feel like i can breathe again ... thank you so much for the advice and encouraging words :)
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 January 2011):
Just leave. Staying or letting them say goodbye will give everyone the wrong idea and cause you more pain and trouble.
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reader, sam44  +, writes (24 January 2011):
I can relate to your situation because i once moved in with someone like this, but it was a woman. When i left, i just quickly packed my bags whilst she was at work.. and called her saying i left the keys in the house, i am sorry but goodbye. Its so hard believe me, get ready for a emotional heartbreak... but guess what! i am happy now and im grateful with the decision i made. You might feel like returning soon after, even meeting up with him... but dont do it, its just human nature to try to change things, hope for the best,.. but the truth is that things will not change, you will be miserable for life with him. So missing him is not good enough a reason to go back, just keep going and never look back.
I need you pay attention to my advice.
Dont say goodbye before you leave, you have no other way better. If you tell him before hand, he will stop you, he will make you feel bad, or even harm... your kids will understand with time. Dont feel bad or guilty, you dont deserve this... leave him. Goodluck
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): Don't tell them beforehand!!! Just get this done, then explain to them afterwards.
Seriously, you know you have to do this while he's at work, the last thing you want to do is have a 9 and 11 year old acting weird and trying to keep that a secret for the next few months. Don't put this on them. They can't be dragged into this which is what will happen if you let sentimentality and emotion get in your way. This has to be clinical and emotionless.
Make sure you have everything ready, grab all their important documents and bring them to your mothers now, anything that's absolutely vital that you/they can't do without remove them immediately. That way if things get messy you could just go and leave your stuff behind for someone else to collect.
Again I'm serious about this and as a kid who went through it, you cannot discuss it with them first, you cannot get sentimental or do it any other way than a military style operation. Trust me kids bounce back from these things quickly but the no contact rule is essential here too for them. If he was still a part of my life when they broke up it would have been a disaster, when my mom and I left that was it really. She told me we were going to go stay somewhere else for a while, kind of like a holiday and then I asked about seeing him again and when was he coming she said never. He's gone and he's not coming back. I actually don't remember being too upset about it and I was pretty close to him too. But looking back I think part of me felt a little relieved. Too much trauma with him in our lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): You should just go, no goodbyes no nothing.
That's what my mother did with me. She was in an abusive relationship for 3 years when I was 8-11. My mother just told me we were leaving and we went. She never explained why and she didn't need to because I was only 11 I didn't need any explanation other than "you'll understand when you're older but we won't be seeing him anymore, he's gone"
He's not the father of your kids and if your kids ask you just explain to them how grown ups break up sometimes, that's it.
He didn't have any kids so I didn't bond with anyone so there might be complications there, but depending on the age of his son, then he has to go too. There can be no goodbyes with him either. It might sound unfair and you may think this cruel but he's not your problem because he can't be. What's best for him as well as your own kids is that they don't become a pawn/tool/reason for this guy to stay a part of your life. You have to cut him off completely and unfortunately his son is part of that deal. It sucks but it really is the only way.
You have to sever all ties and that unfortunately includes his son. Now if his son was an adult then maybe you could work something out but the simple fact of the matter is when you leave his son is probably going to hate you anyway, depending on what his father tells him about you and how he reacts to you going and I think you know it's not going to be good. Again though that's not your problem father and son must be completely out of your life just understand you really have no choice in this matter none. No other way will work.
You're setting this up to leave quickly, quietly and with very little fuss. The goodbye thing is not an option. You really don't want to have to put your kids through what would be an utter disastrous piece of drama. Your boyfriend would probably explode, the kids last memory of you together would be some crazy event, tears, screaming etc. They don't need that. They don't need to go through witnessing anymore of this crap. They have to learn that sometimes when things are too much and you can't change them that you have to just up and leave.
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reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (24 January 2011):
 First of all, well done for finally making the decision to get out of there!! How do your children feel about him? I know they are only young but if they have ever expressed that they don't like him then maybe he shouldn't be lucky enough to have your boys say goodbye!!
This is a tough one, and you may need to talk to your boys about this. Explain that he hurts you and you don't want him to hurt them. Explain to them that if they would like to say goodbye then they can do, but they need to be prepared for the situation ahead. Things like this can affect their school work, so make sure you inform their teachers so they can offer extra support whilst they are at school.
When it comes to his son, that's up to you if you want to say goodbye to him. How old is his son?if he is a little older, then tell him that he can come visit whenever he likes if it's appropriate.
Stay strong and be the best mother you can be. I think i speak for anyone reading this that we wish you all the luck in the world :)
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