A
female
age
41-50,
*ellykaw
writes:Hi, so I’m a single mum, I’ve been on my own for about 7 years now, I haven’t dated in a few years as I just couldn’t be bothered anymore. But recently on a Facebook group I’ve met two men, I like them both, and they are both aware of each other, but I can’t help but feel a bit guilty as I feel like I’m messing with them and I’m not like that, as I’m nervous about being in a relationship again I’m just taking my time getting to know them, but I can tell feelings are quite strong for me by both! This hasn’t happened to me before!! One is a bit jealous of the other which makes me feel a bit bad. Do I just carry on talking to them both? I am keeping my options open as I won’t just settle.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 December 2018):
 How will you get to know these guy if they both live far away? Over text? Facetime?
So getting into a LDR?
And yes, at some point if you WANT a relationship to function, to have a real future you kind of have to spend time WITH the other person, IN person. Visiting each other every few months is really hard to base if you are as well suited as you think. I know from personal experience.
I think (and again speaking from personal experience) the MORE time you can spend with a person, IN PERSON - the better you get to know them. They habits, likes and dislikes, values, morals, spiritual path, political path, hopes and dreams.
Having some common ground is important.
And yes, I think it's always a good thing to consider, would I move for a relationship. Doesn't mean you have to decide whether you would or not. But some people are happy where they are. Some have family and friend nearby that they really wouldn't want to give up - which would put the "pressure" on the other person to move.
I know you can't consider all options at this stage, that would be unrealistic too. Having nice chats with a couple of men might, or might not lead to more.
I'm an just saying don't wait too long to meet either/both IN person.
A
female
reader, kellykaw +, writes (11 December 2018):
kellykaw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoney pie, who said anything about me moving?! I know one would relocate if we got serious, and aside these two men I want to move anyway at some point, I’ve never intended staying here forever. And as for jobs, I work for myself so that’s not an issue either, but thanks for your concern
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 December 2018):
If they BOTH live far away is it really realistic to pursue this?
Are you in any position to move (and still work) near one or the other? Do you really WANT to relocate? Uproot your child and yourself?
I mean, an LDR is not exactly optimal for anyone.
In cases where it's not really all that realistic that there IS a future, it is more of a fantasy.
I would, in all honesty, look for someone to date closer to home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2018): I would date neither and just make that clear to both of them.
Who needs the inevitable trouble.
Both want a bite at you and you don't want a threesome.
Tell them its game over and look elsewhere!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 December 2018):
 They both know about the other, they can bail out at any time!
Never settle when it comes to your love life, take as long as possible to make the right choice. I’d only say it is messing them around if you’re doing it to get some kind of kick out of it or have no real intentions with either of them besides fun when you know they want something more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2018): Consider distance, as I said. Nothing real can be established when people have to commute to see each other.
Leave LDR's for the millennials; once you're 30+, long-distance relationships are just a waste of time, and a huge inconvenience. Too much goes on you'll never know about. Work gets in the way! If you both have professional-careers; it's constantly working around each others schedules.
Don't you wonder why people insist on trying to date people miles and oceans away; then complain about? Most of the courtship is done on social media, or by text. What a drag?!!
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A
female
reader, kellykaw +, writes (11 December 2018):
kellykaw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replies! I met them on a singles group, I was talking to one for about a week when the other started talking to me, at first I thought nothing of it as I’ve spoke to many men on these groups and it’s always a hi, small talk and then nothing, so assumed it would be the same thing. It wasn’t and because one was tagging me they found out about each other. And it’s not like I can just go on a date as they both live far away! It’s strictly online right now. And yes I do need to pick one as it’s not fair on either of them, I know this. But they both have great qualities and not being able to meet them yet is making it hard to choose
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2018): There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. You don't have to feel guilty; because you're weighing your options and taking your time. You have no commitment established with either of them. That's what wisdom and experience has taught you; and you're strong and independent enough to not be rushed by desperation.
Besides, you've never even met! They may not like you, or vice versa! You don't know whom you like; until you've spent real-time with them. One of them. You're not 16, so you have to put your adult panties on. Choose the one most honest, forthcoming, respectful, and makes you feel safest. Consider distance.
The two men are aware of each other. Men are naturally competitive; and if we have a romantic-interest in someone, it's natural (regardless of your gender) to want to be chosen ahead of the other option! So you have a friendly rivalry going; but don't drag it out. Then you would be toying with their emotions; and both will just lose interest based on that alone.
Careful with your vanity; because you're getting too much attention, which can go to your head. If you decide to meet and date one, you have to let-go of the other. Playing them against each other is making trouble. You don't date two people at the same time; and expect one to just "wait his turn."
I'll be honest, I don't know why or how you made them aware of each other? It really wasn't smart nor fair of you.
It's either, or...not both! You wouldn't like being someone's second-choice; or the person somebody settled for.
Stay level-headed and fair. Eventually they'll take you for a player; and may turn the tides. They will play with your emotions, and both dump you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 December 2018):
I think as long as they KNOW you talk to the other and STILL want to talk to you, it's not an issue.
But WHEN/IF romantic endeavors - like romantic dates, sex (even cybersex, if you are into that) happens then you need to consider how YOU would feel if ONE of these men were talking to other women as well as romancing you.
In general, I'n not a fan of pursuing multiple people at them same time. I think it's quantity over quality. It's a little lazy. However, that all comes down to HOW you feel, and what you end-goal is and... if THEY are OK with it too.
I have to agree with YCBNS that you really should meet them in person before making ANY decision. YOU really can't tell how DEEP they feel about you when you haven't even met them in person. Trust me, someone can sound VERY romantic and loving in writing, but in person they are a cold fish or really not so engaging. For now... what you have is FANTASY and WHAT IF's.
And I think someone being JEALOUS of you talking to someone else, yet sticks around... it's a bit of a red flag to me.
Meet up in a public setting. See if you hit it off in person too. No intimacy just to talk and get a more well-rounded idea of each guy. Who do you have more in common with? Goals, background, values, likes, dislikes, religion/faith perhaps, etc. Do either live close by? Is there a realistic future here?
And don't involve your kids with EITHER of these men. I'd wait until you have picked one (if any of them) and dated for a good 12 months.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 December 2018):
 It sounds like you haven't actually met either of them. Am I right? If that is the case, then I can see no reason why you should not just carry on "getting to know them" as you are doing.
You don't owe either of them anything at this stage, despite what "feelings" they may profess to have for you. You have not lied. You have not promised either of them anything. They are just two guys you are getting to know to see if there is a possible future with either of them.
Trust your instincts. Take your time. Meet up with one or both at some point if you feel you want to. Don't forget to be careful about your safety, regardless of how well you feel you "know" these guys.
Good luck.
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