A
male
age
26-29,
*essy Mind
writes:Hi DearCupid,Me and my girlfriend have been together for just over a year now, we're both a little damaged from our last relationships but we make sure to talk to each other if we're ever feeling insecure/upset etc. Usually I'd just talk to her about this kind of thing, but I'm worried I might be being a little silly.Anyway, my girlfriend's had this room mate since I've known her, and I actually vaguely knew the room mate from before I met her, he's close to a lot of people in our friendship groups and I actually really like him. He's kind, a bit weird but who isn't, and an overall good person to be around.My problem is that, due to me and my girlfriend's working hours (I work 9am-5pm Monday-Friday, they work 3pm-11pm Monday-Saturday), we rarely get to see each other. On a good week, I might be able to see them twice, a quick lunch during the week and then spending Sunday together.I'm getting used to the fact that I won't be able to see them constantly, and that's probably a good thing for me as I don't want to turn into a clingy mess (been there, done that).The underlying issue though is the fact that I'm jealous of her room mate because they get to spend every day with each other. I know that's probably a stupid thing to be jealous about, but that's why I'm here asking.The feelings of jealousy are exacerbated when my girlfriend says no to hanging out because she'd rather spend her time with her room mate. "I get to see you 2 times a week (maximum), and yet you'd prefer to hang out with someone you see every day and every night?" is something I regularly think over in my head.The last time it happened was when I was having a couple of drinks with friends at about 11.30pm. I asked her if she wanted to hang out but she said her head was being a bit funny, so she declined. Fast forward till 1am and I lost my keys to my house. I asked if I could stay at hers and she said yes. I get over there and they're both watching TV with a takeaway, she seems perfectly fine, and they're laughing and enjoying themselves.She told me the next day after I asked her why she lied to me that she didn't want to ruin my night. It all seems a little strange and my head's just one big mess at the moment. I have no idea what to think about it all...I suppose all of the above actually leaves me with two questions:Should I be jealous that my girlfriend's room mate gets to spend way, way, way more time with her than I do?andAm I overthinking everything, or should I be worried about their relationship with each other?
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insecure, jealous, roommate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (17 August 2019):
Use the time she is spending with her roommate to cultivate other friendships. If you know what I mean.
But seriously it sounds like you think she is your girlfriend and she thinks you are the guy she is occasionally dating.
As far as her turning down a date with you to hang out with the roommate. Maybe they are best friends and she would rather at times be with a friend rather than with you. That’s not unusual.
And that brings me back to my first point about you finding other friends. And if some of those friends are girls well...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2019): She doesn't sound as into you as you are into her. Otherwise she would be making as much of an effort to see you as you do to see her.
I agree with you. Why doesn't she say, 'I don't want to go out tonight, but I'm watching tele with roommate, why don't you come over?' Or...'I'll get rid of roommate, come over and we can be together for a couple of hours'. I expect you'd love to hear that from her. It doesn't sound as if it's going to happen though.
If I were you I would prepare myself to disengage from her and find someone who likes you as much as you like them.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2019): Friend, what is it that makes you think that this girl is YOUR girlfriend? The roomate is unemployeed? Wow! He has no money so how is he paying his rent? Your girl must be keeping him. She lies to you saying she feels weird and unable to come out, when she is having a great time with the roomate and justifies the lie with I did not want to ruin your night? Are you sure about them heading to their respective beds? What is this that you message THEM? You get to have lunch with her or THEM twice a week? Do you get to pay for all THREE of you too? Now lets be real OP. You are not invited over. She would rather spend time there with him that go out with you? Do you suppose that when watching movies that some kissing and touching occurs since they are so comfortable together? Do you suppose that they are always careful to not be seen partially undressed or naked? My friend, you are being had! They sound like a married couple that you message with, and enjoy lunch with, a couple times a week! Find another girl!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2019): Try telling her you would wanna try and fit in more time together and see what she feels about it. Or maybe try a Romantic suprise drop by with some flowers or chocolates and say you were thinking of her.
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A
male
reader, Messy Mind +, writes (14 August 2019):
Messy Mind is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi CindyCares,Thank you for your answer, but maybe I need to clarify a few points:They don't work at the same place. My girlfriend's room mate is unemployed so is always at home, my girlfriend goes to work at 3pm, so they spend all the morning and a lot of the afternoon together. Following on from that, my girlfriend gets home at 11pm, so they spend from 11pm until they go to their respective beds (usually around 2am as my girlfriend stays up late.)I'm envious of the fact that they get to hang out for most of the day, and then the room mate gets to see them after work, talk about their day, laugh with them, even basic things like watch tv together. I'm fine with them hanging out together because I know they're friends and I want my girlfriend to be happy, but it just seems like I'm secondary in the relationship. I'm sick of having a relationship solely through Facebook Messenger, meanwhile someone outside of the relationship gets to physically be with them all the time.In terms of me not being fair when I said "preferring to hang out with him", perhaps I should explain further: Every now and again, I meet my girlfriend after work (I'll send them a message on a Friday night or something, which isn't usually a day we get to hang out together), so this is an additional day when I get to see them. That's what I was referring to. We always spend the full Sunday together and then we maybe go for lunch during the week, regardless of anything else. Even so, I get what you're saying about her wanting to go home after a tiring day at work and relax, rather than go for drinks at a bar, it makes a lot of sense so thank you for that.In that case though, I suppose it just slightly annoys me that I don't get invited to come over on those days after her work when she doesn't want to go out: "I'm too tired to go out, it was really busy at work today, but you could come over and watch some TV with me if you want?". You could say that maybe she doesn't want to socialise or is too tired to socialise with me, but she doesn't seem to mind socialising with the room mate even when she's tired after work. My head is saying "she finds it easier to hang out with the room mate all the time, rather than hang out with me more than 2 days a week", which hurts a lot. I know that's probably a stupid thing to think, and I don't like the way my brain comes up with these thoughts, but I can't help it.Maybe you're right about her wanting to spend time at home, regardless of the fact that the room mate just so happens to be there. I do tend to overthink a lot of situations in my head (perks of my last relationship). I'm gonna try and work on it. I know I need to get more secure and trust in her more, so that's what I'm going to do.Thank you again for your reply, it means a lot!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 August 2019):
 But the room mate does not get to spend way way way more time WITH your Gf than you do. He gets to spend way way way more time in the same place where she's at- which is not the same thing as actually spending time °together°. I mean, they both are at work , earning their salary and they are supposed to have stuff to do, right ?, and they are supposed to focus on that stuff rather than on each other's company !. Maybe they are in retail, or in some sort of customer service ( probable, seeing their working hours ) so they each have their clients to assist and to deal with , their own tasks to perform. Sure , they will have the random chance to exchange a joke or share a coffee break here and there, but I am pretty sure it does not amount to a lot of time , and surely not to quality time. I understand that, as a man in love, you may be envious of another man who has the possibility to have your beloved always under his eyes - but most probably his gaze is not the same as yours and he is not particularly enthralled by what he sees. As a matter of fact, being that they are constantly in each other 's proximity , at work AND at home, ( omygod, that woud be enough to make ME sick of anybody, should he be a Nobel prize with Brad Pitt's good looks ! Just saying ) if anything romantic had been even loosely contemplable between the two- it would have happened alreasy by now. I am pretty sure that your Gf firmly friendzoned him, or they friendzoned each other .
If you mean that you are *envious* of this guy because he can be physically closer to her than you, well- this is a very romantic sentiment , shared by many poets along the centuries :), I remember that at school they made me study a poem by some Greek or Latin poet who said : I am jealous of the wind because he can caress your hair, I am jealous of the water which can touch your tender limbs… stuff like that. What you feel may not be very rational but is surely not unusual and very poetic.
As for " preferring to hang out with him ": You are not being fair. She could say teh same, we only can meet twice a week at most, and when you get time, you prefer spending it drinking with your friends rather than on a romantic mini-date with me alone ? The fact is, that even people in love need other stuff other than making love and romancing each other. You may need socializing with friends and having a couple of drinks occasionally,.... and she may need , occasionally, rest and relaxation after a long day at work, and to be nice and comfy at home in front of her TV rather than in a noisy crowded bar. That said nice and comfy home also contains a person who she gets along with is , IMO, a coincidence.
I agree that , rather than telling a white lie and inventing a headache that she did not have, she should/could just have told the truth : thanks,but I am not in the mood for going out , I 'd rather be at home watching Tv and eating take-out food. But I guess that she knows you, your insecurities and your overthinking and she knows that if she
had simply told the truth, you were going to freak out and have the emotional semi-melt down that you are having now; and maybe she just did not, ATM, feel like dealing with your freakouts.
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