A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI have been married for a year and I know my husband 3 years before marriage. We lived together for a year before tying the knot My husband do not want to go for vacation with me, every time this ends up in fight or argument. He wants to save his vacation off (from work) to visit his friends or hang out with them, when I ask he always I'm always with you and I am not spending enough time with friends. Even if i try to go for a weekend trip he finds some excuse to avoid, but when he wants to go and see some band in separate city, he makes me go with him, so I try to make that as vacation though i do not like the band he sees or the car racing we go, and this is really stressing me out. Am i over reacting, pls help me Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (17 August 2019):
How does he make you go with him? If you don’t want to go with him don’t. If he doesn’t want to go on vacation with you find a friend or relative who likes to travel and go with her.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 August 2019):
 I have a similar but different problem with vacations. But I don't want to bog down the discussion.
My advice to you is kind of off the wall. My brother and I worked with my dad for years. Frequently change suggestions from the younger generation were met with, No this is the way we have always done it. Eventually my brother became a master of getting Dad to change his mind. The trick was to get Dad to think the change was his idea. He would plant the idea weeks in advance. Leave little examples lying around. And just like clockwork, Dad would announce his "new idea".
This is a good way to get your husband to go on vacation with you. Plant the idea months in advance. Leave pictures on your computer. Leave brochures lying around. Pretty soon he will start thinking about that vacation. Then he will start seeing that it would be fun or relaxing. Then he will realize that his friends cant all go there. And He will have to sacrifice the friends to go to this vacation that he thought of.
Hey, it might work for you. Better than nagging.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2019): You're not overreacting, you're just not using the art of compromise. One of the most difficult things I think I've had to learn in life, was to learn how to enjoy the things my partner enjoyed. I discovered in doing-so; that it was also getting to know who my partner is. I hate politics! My partner of 28 years (now deceased) was heavily involved in politics; and his law-firm was a very politically-involved institution.
He and one of one of the founding-partners of his firm were joined at the hip, and thoroughly absorbed in politics. I learned a lot from them, and even began to start to get more involved. As a result, I became a part of change, and helped to improve the quality of life for others. Not to mention the helpful and powerful-connections I've made.
He also loved going to live-concerts (rock, jazz, Latin), preferably under the stars. Far from home, a rat-race for parking, mosquitoes; and all kinds of weirdos, and hippie-type people. I stopped being so stuck-up, and just let myself mix and mingle; and found myself enjoying the whole experience. I'm not crazy about roughing-it out-of-doors. I prefer a camper with all the necessities and amenities. I've learned how to survive in the rough; and live on despicable things, if I have to. It wasn't too hard to adapt to; because my military basic-training also included bivouac, doing exacting that! Doing it voluntarily is the compromise!
He died of cancer. Know what, I'm glad I learned what he pushed me into. I'm glad I made him feel some freedom, while being with me. I'm glad he insisted on dragging me along, kicking and screaming! It was being with him that mattered. Our jobs separated us anyway; sometimes he wanted to take vacations to visit friends in other parts of the country, I didn't always have to be a tag-along, and vice versa. He even invited me to stay with him in five-star hotels when he was on business-travel. We wined and dined in the best spots!
I've forwarded what I've learned to the present, and it makes me more compatible and less fussy. I'm willing to try new things, and step out of the way when my partner needs some air.
Cancer took him away from me. It's those memories I have left that he gave me that I can carry with me for the rest of my life. He wasn't quite as flexible as I am, but I never had to nag him into anything.
Sometimes they (our partners) need space, and want to breathe; and like-it or not, we have to give it to them. Someday, they might stop breathing! You'll wish you had been more agreeable; and tried to be more understanding of life, from more than your own perspective.
Choose your battles, and try to keep the peace. It adds to maintaining harmony; and gives your partnership durability and longevity. You're always one in marriage; but you still need your independence from time to time. You also have to do it, just because he likes to; even if you don't. That goes both-ways!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2019):
 I don't think you are overreacting at all.
Vacationing is something people (in general) DO with their family, spouse.
However, 2 things. CAN you AFFORD a vacation? Is the finances the reason he is unwilling? And the I want to spend time with friends used as an excuse?
Do YOU have friends or do you rely SOLELY on him for company? I think some people presume being married means they are now joint at the hip and MUST to EVERYTHING together. And if you feel that way but he doesn't, well then you are at an impasse.
I would (if the finances are there) consider taking a week off with a female friend. He can then hang out with HIS friends while you are off at the spa, a concert and weekend away, or visit family out of state. Maybe GIVE him a little space to MISS you. To WANT to spend time with you.
If he wants to go see a band and he wants you to go, MAKE other plans. It ISN'T "fair" that YOU have to join HIS plans all the time but he isn't wanting to join YOUR plans. OR let's say he wants to go to Dallas to watch XYZ band. Tell him to buy 1 ticket for the concert, you can SHARE a hotel room but you will be exploring Dallas and booking a few hours at a spa. That way you meet him halfway. And you GET to relax and he gets to see the band.
Marriage is ALL about compromises. If you two can figure this out... it's not going to last.
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