A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm in a relationship with a woman I absolutely adore, we're both 22, the problem is I know she's had quite a few boyfriends and I myself haven't really had a huge dating history (but not non exsistant). Basically I definitely don't feel good enough for her (even though she often says it's the other way around) and I'm always scared of losing her because she's changed my life a huge amount and I love her very much, but everytime I think of her ex boyfriends and/or see an old picture of her with one of her ex's I get very jealous and it makes me angry, I know I compare myself to them (it's a guy thing) and I know it was the past that I had nothing to do with and should forget about it because she's with me now (believe me I tell myself that alot), and it's got to the point where any picture of her with an old friend makes me wonder if anything went on between them, what doesn't help is that she often goes back to stay with one of her Uni friends, and she had a relationship with this friends brother, so when she goes to see her and stays there then of course he and a friend tag along to restaurants etc because she is still friends with him, this is the main problem I have, it's just being all that way away with him around really makes me angry, I know why it makes me angry but I don't think it's an issue for her anymore but I just want some advice on how to get over all this anger and jealousy, whenever I'm not with her I feel like crap because all I do is dwell on these thoughts.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): Thankyou to all of you that have answered this (yes I'm the guy that wrote the letter/question) you've all made alot of sense, I understand everyone has a past and it's our future to look forward to, thankyou all once again, you've all been very helpful :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): Hey man!Ive been in your shoes. I think you should tell her to get rid of all the pictures and keep them all out of sight from you. Dont tell her to throw them away cause thatd arguably be controlling... so compromise with her and tell her to box all the photos of her with any man and put away somewhere out of your sight.As for the "Uni" situation... you need to coordinate a phone call or two so that you know where she's at. Only one or two calls tho, nothin obsessive or that wont help build trust. But if she goes out, agree to call you at a certain time, and does... then over time that could help you become more comfortable with her whereabouts. Hope this helps pal. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, uncle bob  +, writes (25 March 2011):
 If you continue to live in her past, the two of you will never have a future. Your showing in your letter (question), you clearly don't trust her. Do you think she hasn't noticed this? Like "SweetSmoochy" says "she's with you, not them". Your jealousy and mistrust is only going to drive her away. Is this what you want?No "put down" intended, but you need to mature a lot more before you consider any serious relationships.Remember, from now on, every woman you meet will have a past. If you can't learn to overcome your jealousies, you'll never have any healthy relationships with women.Counselling might be well worth considering.
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A
female
reader, Yetilicious  +, writes (25 March 2011):
 Well, if you haven't you should tell her you don't feel comfortable with her being around an Ex and hanging with him. If she really cares about you she's going to respect your feelings and listen to you. If a guy I cared about was really important to me and told me he wasn't comfortable with a friend of mine, I'd stop hanging out with that friend unless my guy was with me, that way he could see there was nothing with this dude. But as you say, this isn't just a friend, it's an ex. I don't think anyone should remain friends with an ex. As for the not feeling good enough for her part. You need to get over that very quickly, if you can't you're going to have to pretend. Insecurity isn't attractive. We like a guy to be in control and think he is awesome, not a cocky asshole...but at least think he's an awesome person. I don't know why she would still have pics of an ex? If I saw pics of a guy i was with, with his EX...that would be a huge turn off to me. You should tell her you don't like seeing them, if she is thoughtful she'll delete them, or at least put them somewhere where you can't see them. I don't think there is a way of getting over jealousy, it's just there. The only thing you can do is not think about it. Tell yourself "what is meant to be will happen". Distract yourself with hanging with your own friends, watch movies, play video games. Don't be clingy, or call her 1,000 times asking her what she's doing and who she's with.Good luck, hope this helps a bit!
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (25 March 2011):
 Think of it this way: if she thought those past guys were better than you, she would be with them. The thing is, she is with you. So, next time you see a picture of her and an ex, instead of getting jealous, think about what a great woman they lost and be happy that she chose you over all of them. Another thing to consider is that while a little bit of jealousy can be flattering or even amusing, girls do not like a lot of jealousy. No one likes to be mistrusted or live with that kind of animosity around them all the time, even if it isn't directed at them. Stop worrying. She is with you, not them. They lost out, and you are with a person that makes you happy. Relax, or you'll just drive her away. Best of Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): She chose you. You either get over it or you don't and move on. Don't make a huge mess out of something that happened when you two weren't even together. I had a BF act like that and i got sick of it and left. It's bull crap in my mind. You either except the person or you don't the end. Her hanging out with guys she had relationships with is another story. You tell her she either stops or that's it for you. She probably wouldn't want you to hang out with an ex girlfriend. Stand your ground on stuff like that.
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