A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im just a complete waster. I do my A levels, got predicted and got good grades last year, now i'm in my final year about to leave for uni and have done nothing but drink and take drugs to the point where i just cannot be bothered with my a levels and see them as a joke, and i didn't even turn up to one of my exams because i just couldn't be bothered.I also have the most gorgeous and loveliest boyfriend ever, who absolutely adores me. I've been with him for 9 months now. And before i never saw myself in a serious relationship because i don't like the idea of commitment, and thought i screw everything up. Up until the last month everything was fine, i wouldn't have never thought of cheating on him, or doing anything stupid to mess things up. BUT being a total tosser i have started screwing it up. I seem to have got myself into quite a situation.A guy in one of my college classes has started to take real interest in me and constantly texts me and tells me to go out on a date with him even though he knows i have a boyfriend. Hes really nice and i really like him, and he knows i like him. When i go out into town i avoid him at all costs because i know for a fact that when im drunk i will get with him. THEN there's a girl in my other class, i always use to find her looking at me in class and smiling at me. She use to blush and stutter when i spoke to her and it was clear she had a crush on me! I was flattered because she is beautiful. So one night at a drunken party, we bumped into each other and started talking/flirting. She kissed me and i kissed her back, so this happened all night. Now at college she constantly follows me round like a lost puppy, tries doing absolutely anything to help me out and it's driving me mad. When i snap at her she looks really upset and leaves me alone but i kind of like her attention and it upsets me to know ive upset her, so i always apologies and then we kiss again, and then the following me around always happens again.I just always seem to be in a complete mess, i'm getting stressed out, i don't know what i want and who i want. I just want to party all the time and get high.My parents do and give me anything i want, and tell me they are really proud of me and my grades etc, but they don't know how bad i'm being this year and are going to be really disappointed in me. Im pretty desperate for advice now please?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): Hey k c100, im the girl who wrote for advice!
I really took in and appreciate your advice, it was a whole lot better than that below yours.
You questioned whether i really loved my boyfriend and i yes i really do love him, my friends say im so lucky to have him (because everyone use to try and pull him before, but i never showed him any interest and i think thats why he asked me out) and sometimes i feel like he can do loads better than myself and wonder why he wastes his time on someone as selfish as me.
I don't have anything that happened to me in the past to make me drink and use drugs excessively. I've always been and liked the 'rebel image', and i think i was just drawn into from the start of college with other students. I know its stupid and my mum and dad would go mental if they knew but i just like the buzz. Im sure i will grow out of it.
I have three english exams left out of 9. I did no revision for them and i know i haven't done great in them. Because my grades were good last year, i suppose i got cocky and couldn't be bothered. I know i wont get three A's to get into the Uni of my first choice, and because of the little revision ive done i know i wont get the grades for my second uni. So i think i'm going to carry on at college next year, try and work hard and maybe when it is time for me to go to uni i will be a little more responsible and mature about things.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (29 May 2009):
 Well done for admitting all of this, the first step to sorting all this out is admitting to yourself that you are making a mess of things and you want it to stop! But you need to realise that sorting things out will be tough and you are going to have to be very strong and stick to your principles.
This is the easiest one so I suggest you start here. You need to talk to this girl who has the crush on you. Dont do it in front of other people, just ask to talk to her privately somewhere quiet and come clean with her. Tell her you have a boyfriend and you love him, and that kissing her was just a drunken mistake because you felt flattered by her attention. She will be uspet and probably try and persuade you that you have something special but you need to stick to your guns. Make it clear that you dont want to be with her and nothing will ever happen between you. Tell her that you want her to be happy and move on with her life, because she will never get what she wants from you.
Flattery is very appealing and it sounds like you might succumb again to her if she starts with the attention again - this is where you need to be strong and stick to what you have said. Once you have told her you dont want to be with her then you need to stand by this and stay out of her life, even if she starts coming on to you again you just have to reiterate the conversation, be pretty hard with her and she will get the message.
With regards to the other guy who likes you, well done for not doing anything with him so far! That takes some willpower so well done there! Now from the way you talk about him, and the way you talk about your boyfriend - I'm not really sure how you feel about either of them? It sounds like you love the fact your boyfriend adores you and treats you so well, but do you adore him? Do you really love him as much as he loves you? There is no shame in admitting that maybe you love that he treats you so well, but you are not in love with him as a person. It happens to all of us, so have a think about how you actually feel about him.
The other guy could be one of two things:
1. He could just be something new and exciting. You may have got a little bored with your boyfriend and miss the "new" feeling when you first meet someone and start the whole flirting thing. So while you love your boyfriend, you love the excitement that this new guy brings and you love the attention from him.
2. He could be someone you really like, you may have fallen for his personality and are more attracted to him than your boyfriend. Whereas your boyfriend offers stablity and will do anything for you, you might have lost respect for him because he literally adores you and worships the ground you walk on. So this new guy is a challenge to you, someone you want to know better and someone you think you might be able to have a great relationship with.
Or it could even be a bit of both! You sound a lot like me when I was 18 (except the drugs part!) - I did really well in my first year of A levels so I didnt really see the point in putting much effort in for the second year. I spent all my time going out getting drunk and hanging out with different guys! You also remind me of myself because it seems (correct me if I'm wrong) that you find it hard to turn down someone when they are showing you a lot of attention. I used to be incredibly flattered by anyone who thought I was attractive and used to flirt terribly with other guys even when I had a boyfriend just because they showed an interest!
Now I had a lot of deep rooted issues that explained my behaviour - I am guessing there will be reasons why you take drugs and drink the way you do and something from your past will explain your attitude to men. If you would rather message me privately on here I will be more than happy to try and help? I think you will know these reasons it is just a question of can you bring yourself to admit them?
In my case I was bullied for 4 years in secondary school by a group of boys, who used to say I looked like a man and did all sorts of horrible things to me. Due to this I used to self-harm, and honestly believed that I was so unnattractive that no man would ever fancy me. Once I got to 16 I was actually pretty ok looking, and all of a sudden boys were interested in me! So anyone that would give me the slightest bit of attention I would spend time with, even if I didnt really like them that much. I couldnt say no to a single man, so I ended up cheating on all of my boyfriends until the age of 21! Which is awful I know! Only now have I realised why I behave the way I do, and I have come to terms with my own issues. They will never go away, but once you have identified why you behave the way you do it makes it easier to control. So maybe if you could either tell me why you feel you act the way you do, or maybe a therapist (I have seen 2 and they really helped) this may work for you?
Drinking and drugs are normally a sign that you have some things in your life or past you want to escape from, because these things allow you to get so wasted you forget about all the bad things. If I am wrong on this please say, I am just making assumption here and I might be way off! But why do you think you feel that need to get high and party all the time? What does partying and drugs give you that you like so much?
With regards to school, I am guessing you will still have some exams left? Or are the already over? If you still have some left then you have a chance to redeem yourself - dont go out again until they are over, revise hard and make sure you go to every exam. If they are over - then there is not a lot you can do apart from accept that you have been irresponsible this year and hope your results are not that bad. If they are awful and they stop you from doing what you want, then re-sit the year. This is the best thing to do I promise, while it is another year of hard-work, it will ensure that you achieve the grades you need to get into your prefferred uni. You will regret it forever if you settle for your rubbish grades and go to a lesser uni/dont go to uni and get a job.
If you get bad grades this year then you will need to come clean to your parents, while they will be very dissapointed they will always love you no matter what happens, and if you show them you are truly sorry, regret they way you have been this year and show them you are willing to make changes then they will support you and forgive you. Parents only want what's best for you, and I understand the pressure that they can put on you.
I never missed an exam, and I never took drugs, but I did go partying quite a lot in my final year (once even the night before an exam) and I didnt put much effort in at all. I still came out with 3 A grades and made it to uni, where I went and messed up my life further! You will be ok, I promise but you need to figure out what are the reasons behind your behaviour. Only then can you start to figure out what to do next.
Sorry this is so long, and please feel free to message me or leave a follow-up on this question and I will get back to you.
Good luck!
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