A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I recently joined a dating site, and I found someone I know, I actually was at his wedding. But his currently separated from his wife of 2 years and has 2 kids with her. At first I contacted him and told him that I know him and that I was at his wedding. He asked me if was his ex's friend and if I was trying to get information from him. I told him that it was not the case I have no relation with his ex.He told me please don't lie to me, I know who you are, are you acting for my ex or her family. I convinced him that I don't even know them, I went to the wedding to escort my aunt nothing more.I kept on greeting him and I actually told him I was interested in him. Then he replied " thanks for the kind words I do appreciate. Then he began to talk to me and told me that the reason for their separation was he found out she was cheating on him, during the time when he lost his job. So when he caught her cheating , she began telling people that his abusive and and a bad father to the kids to justify her reason for leaving him. I actually confirmed from some resources that what he was saying was true she had another man. So we began chatting everyday for hours and talk about everything and anything and surprisingly we have a lot in common . But one time I decided to stop contacting him for 1 week to see if his really interested and not just being nice. He actually contacted me and asked " Hows life" so we began chatting a lot more ,but he recently asked me for naughty photos, which I refused and just sent him nice normal photos, he sent me photos in his underwear and photos at work. But this days his always making sexy jokes and trying to arouse me with sexy texts. Iam glad he began to trust me but is he really into me or should I give it time, since his still working on his divorce. And surprisingly he has not given me his contacts so we have chatting on the site for 1 month now.He travelled to another country for work and did not tell me until after some weeks , which made me upset, I don't understand why he did not tell me his out of the country.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 November 2017):
 I don't think he is immature, I just think he is just out off a failed marriage and by the sounds off it he is still recovering from that but yet would like to meet women to fulfill his sexual needs. To be fair it doesn't sound like either off you are making an effort to meet with each other and well I don't see why he would need to tell you he is out off the country if you are only talking over a dating site. That to one side it sounds to me like you are looking for a relationship and well my guess is he is not so you might want to stop the communication and look elsewhere.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): Thank you all for the great replies and good advice. For those saying his immature his 46 years old lol just saying and its his second marriage.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (30 October 2017):
 This guy wreaks of sexual desperation and you are his part time booty call.
This guy has no serious intent about you and the fact that you may even think otherwise astonishes me, because it's profoundly obvious that he's still got lots going on in the relationship department.
He hasn't even come out of his divorce yet and you do realise that he may decide to go back to his wife, despite what you may think or have heard.
It does happen quite often.
A couple and/or married couple separate, break up, then decide to get back together again and those stakes are doubled when children are involved.
This man has a lot of baggage to contend with and honestly, you'd just be getting in his way, hence you only being as important, as a part-time party in his mind's eye.
To be totally blunt with you. He is using you for the occasional fling.
Sex to be precise.
If you were happy to have the occasional one night stands or be a part time lover to him, that'd be great.
You'd both be on the same page, however, from what you've expressed you're clearly wanting much more and he won't provide right now.
If truth be known, he cannot and to think you'd be naive enough to think he can is ridiculous.
This is why he asked you for naughty images of yourself.
He has no serious intent for you and this is blatantly obvious by the way he treats you.
Oh and this makes me think, this guy is really sleazy and immature.
If a guy said that to me, that'd turn me off immediately and i wouldn't even give him the time of day.
It's ultimately up to you to do as you please and see fit, but i can almost guarantee that your heart will not only be broken, it'll be shattered.
Do you really want to expose yourself to such personal torment?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 October 2017):
 This guy couldn't make it any more plain that he's not into you for more than casual sex if he posted it on a billboard.
The minute he, or any other man, asks for naughty pictures you ghost him.
He's still going through a divorce so he's not ready to commit to anyone else.
Consider him a no and move on. No drama, no questions, no fuss or hard feelings. Just go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2017): I would stay far away from him if you don't want your heart broken.People coming out of marriages don't want a relationship. They just want a little sexual healing from various partners. It's like they have this newfound freedom and period of exploration. So, they will play the field. The fact he has been so bold and quickly asked you for naked pics is proof of this. It's because he just needs some sexual companionship to make him feel good again. We all need some warmth and intimacy to cushion the fall. And to pick us up. He would only be using you. It's up to you if you let him. But don't expect anything more. It's a very selfish time. Last thing they would want right now is another serious relationship.I'd distance myself and move on with my life. If it is meant to be you will find each other again someday once the dust settles. Trust me, being the one in a relationship who loves more and wants/needs more while never being able to get it is one of the worst experiences to ever go thru. It is pure torture. Best to think logically (not emotionally) and not even put yourself in such a position from the start.There are other guys out there. You don't need to settle and it's ok to be alone til the right one comes along. One who meets your standards. Wishing you well.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (29 October 2017):
 without reading everything, my general advice would be to give him the time he needs to heal from the disaster his life is in. Say a year after the divorce is final. Dating before that just gets people hurt.
Sure he needs companionship and human contact at this stage, but no falling in love, emotional commitments, in short he needs friends, not a girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 October 2017):
 Do you know what would be a red flag for ME? He is "CURRENTLY separated from his wife". But then I have a high sense of self preservation and would not want to subject myself to the almost inevitable hurt and drama which would follow. There is no saying they will not get back together. Even if that doesn't happen, there is no saying you would not be just a rebound relationship, someone to help him get over the pain of what went on with his wife. He is not even divorced yet for crying out loud.
In addition, there are other things to consider:
- There are 2 young children in his life. They would (should?) always be his top priority. Would you be willing to take on a ready made family?
- Asking you to send him nude photographs when it sounds like you have not even met up yet for a date? Eeeeeeew. Assuming this is a man of similar age to you, that is just so juvenile, sleazy and INAPPROPRIATE.
- The question mark over the domestic violence allegation. You only have HIS word for it that this is made up by his wife. Just because your checks confirm she is with someone else does not mean she is lying about him being abusive. The two incidents are not mutually exclusive.
Sweetheart, there are plenty of men out there who do not have all these red flags waving around them. My advice would be to do yourself a favour and leave this one to sort out his life before he messes up anyone else's.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2017): Is all this communication strictly over the phone? Have you actually been together and dated each other?
I want to be honest with you. All that drama in his life would have sent me running the opposite direction.
What does it take to spook you?!! He was paranoid and strange from the very start. He has two kids with an alleged cheating-wife, and he's only separated. There is going to be a lot of drama as the divorce proceedings progress.
About the domestic-violence he was accused? Unless you were there in his house, and personally know his wife and kids; what possible source could you have that was so reliable?
Whatever you were told is total gossip and hearsay. You have no way of knowing how accurate your information is.
He did ask if you were a spy? You lied to him and said you weren't. If you checked-up on him behind his back; I believe that's spying. You actually went snooping into his private life! If you didn't believe him, it would have made more sense to just move on.
If you're a fan of soap operas and reality TV; then I guess you've found yourself a part in a reality show!
You told us a long story listing all sorts of weird stuff; and your only concern is that he didn't tell you he went out of the country.
You're only chatting, and he really didn't have to check-in with you.
You didn't notice any of the other big red-flags; so why the bit about not telling you he left the country?
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (29 October 2017):
Yes, the photo thing is a creepy. Especially as it doesn't appear you've been out with him before. That's something that certainly isn't appropriate prior to a secure relationship that's already sexual. And it is even a little creepy then. Once you give someone a photo they can post it anywhere. More than one guy has sent nude photos viral after a break-up. Personally, I don't think it is appropriate to ask anyone for nude photos unless, and this is a maybe, you are happily married and there will be an absence.
And three more strikes: Number two is not making it more than two years with his wife, after having kids with her. Why did she need another man? The third strike is going out of the country for work and not telling you...there's something up with that.
It is usually three strikes and you're out. But, being the kind soul you are, you've given him a courtesy opportunity to prove himself. He's blown that by not giving you any contact info, instead choosing to keep your communication thru a web site. This guy is playing you, is way past his welcome and has to go. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 October 2017):
 Have you two even been out on a date? Or is it all just talking?
Personally? I don't see WHY he should tell you that he is out of the country. You are not dating and not a couple - yet.
Now he could have told you, but I don't think he OWES you to give you all the details of his day to day life.
Another thing... I'd wait to actually invest too much (emotionally) with this guy. He is CLEARLY not over the soon-to-be ex-wife and still has drama in his life. I would wait for the divorce to be final. He might be looking for ladies to use to get over his wife. So a rebound. THAT is not what you want.
The whole asking for nudes... I would (if I was in your shoes) NOT take it further with this guy. While you might have been at his wedding and sort of know him a little... I think it's PRETTY inappropriate to ask for nudes from someone he isn't even dating! Now if he was in his late teens, early 20's, I'd say maybe not totally strange but for someone in his 30-40's? Come on... That just sleazy.
I don't know... Overall? I wouldn't date him. He isn't single, he has 2 small kids and drama in his life... Just not something I'd be willing to take on. (IF I'm to be honest).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2017): He doesn't behave as somebody who's interested in YOU, but as someone who's still affected by his separation and is probably both bored and afraid to be alone. You're filling up some of his time, as little as he lets you.Don't forget you were the one who "chased" him. His short message "how's life?" doesn't mean anything, a part from his wish to keep the contact with you without having to invest anything. He didn't tell you that he's going abroad because he doesn't feel the need to share this with you. You're simply not on his mind in that compartment. He's probably good at compartmentalizing.Not giving you his contacts (which maybe ok since you've known each for only a month) and asking you for naked pics (and sending you his in his underwear) clearly shows in which compartment he thinks you belong. Which is fine as long as you share his vision. If not, then you're definitely looking for something that isn't there. Why are you so hung up on him? Keep your options open. For him it's probably too soon after separation and/or he's not that into you.
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