A
male
age
36-40,
*lvin84
writes:I have been with my girlfriend on and off for over 3 years. In the beginning she was a work colleague I was hesitant to get with her as although we flirted, played about together and eventually slept together, I wasn't looking for commitment. Fast-forward through all the break-ups, arguments, meeting of parents, Christmas's, birthdays and Valentine's days and we're still here. She is no longer a work colleague, yet still share a large group of friends and (reluctantly) our relationship is public knowledge.She's chill at times, yet other times juvenile, irrational, brash, indecisive, dependent, insecure and often. Which i often attribute to family drama and a previous 5yr relationship.Little things do get on my nerves and I'm not in the business of changing people. But over the years I've often felt uncomfortable being in a relationship with her, but feel like I'm in it out of obligation, chivalry or fear over her well-being. As I've been in her position before myself years ago. Whereas out of her presence I've felt free, busy and independent.So the question is; should I make a go of trying to motivate her to change. Should I cut my losses if its not what I want and how to do so?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 January 2018):
 Please just end the relationship. This is not the way you would talk about your partner if you where in a happy relationship. It is best for the both off you if you just end it. Yes she will be hurt but it will be best for her in the long run.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2018): Dude, end it. It's not healthy for either of you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2018): You sound like you're already over her. You'd actually be doing her a favor by severing this relationship with her. She needs someone who actually cares about her and accepts her. You obviously don't.
It's concerning why you're wasting your time with this person in the first place. Just meet with her in person and speak frankly about letting this go as soon as you can. Don't lead her on any further.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (19 January 2018):
 Grow a pair and finish it with her in the kindest way you can muster then stick to your decision no matter how she reacts.
It's the kindest thing you can do for her if you care about her
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (19 January 2018):
 If you don't love someone and can't give it your all then you aren't doing yourself or the lady any favors. It sounds like you just want out. Be kind and end it with her. Both of you should be happy and if you are happier without her you definitely shouldn't be with her.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 January 2018):
 It really doesn't sound like you want to be in this relationship or else you wouldn't be asking this question.
If you're not happy that the relationship is public knowledge it sounds like you're pretty ashamed of being with her, so why stick to it?
You feel happier when she's not around? So make it permanent. It's not your job to worry about what she does after you break up. That's on her to deal with it.
Get out and find someone you don't feel this way about.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 January 2018):
 OP,
You can't change her. It just doesn't work that way.
Your "mistake" was thinking you could have something casual with a person who wasn't looking for casual, so you ended up in a relationship you didn't want and you have let THAT go on for 3 years.
Sounds like the two of you are not a good fit at all. The fact that you are RELUCTANT that people KNOW you are dating is really not a good sign. Sounds like you are ashamed of her and dating her.
You might have been in her position before (whatever that entails) and you might have changed things about yourself as you matured and grew, doesn't mean she will, wants to or can.
So decide if she (AS SHE IS NOW) is someone you want to continue with or not, and then move forward with whatever choice you make.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (19 January 2018):
You don't paint yourself in a very sympathetic light- you appear to be in this relationship reluctantly. Partners aren't things to be suffered or tolerated, and if you feel you need to change them to live with them you are likely to be unsuccessful.You seem to see the time you have put into the relationship as some sort of investment you can't walk away from. But this is a sunk cost- if you are unhappy its better to cut your losses. A relationship shouldn't be hard most of the time, it should buoy you up, not weigh you down. One of the fallacies of modern life is that you should fight for love. Fiction. On balance the light should outweigh the weight many times over.The overwhelmingly oddest part of your post is that you were reluctant to make your relationship public knowledge. To me that is the most unsavory part of this rather unhappy post- why would you spend three years with someone who you were unhappy to be associated with publicly?You can't fix this relationship, it seems like it was stillborn.
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