A
male
age
51-59,
*onfusedoftooting
writes:Why does my partner bring up my ex? This will happen if she wishes to upset me in an arguement or even from right out of nowhere; which can be particularly problematic.I have told my partner that I really dont want to talk about her. I have reassured my partner; telling her I love HER, not my ex. I have ignored, screamed, and reacted in many ways inbetween! This happens several times each week. I never bring up my ex unless the conversation makes it impossible not to. In fact, I have become the master of steering it away from her, but to no avail. I have told my partner that she is crossing a line each time she brings it up (Which is always in anger). I am at my whits end, as my beautiful, loving partner is turning into an angry, insecure person who does not think twice before being needlessly antagonistic.I should add that my ex is dead, as sadly is the little one we had together. My partner is, of course, aware of this and the utter turmoil this caused me.Any help will be seriously welcomed as I am so very close to walking away...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2018): She is not intentionally using her depression as a way to complicate the relationship; the fact that she doesn't get help leaves the untreated disorder to become progressively worse.
Without being clinically-diagnosed or treated, there's no way to know what other underlying issues are there affecting her behavior. Making matters all the more complicated for her, emotionally and psychologically. All you know is what you can see and experience. Things run deeper than the eye can see.
We can't blame everything on depression. I do believe there is a major element of incompatibility.
A clash of personality-types, and having different approaches to handling life, solving problems, and a serious breakdown in communication.
She looks to you to have all the answers and make her feel safe. If you show vulnerability or run into your own problems; perhaps she fears she no longer has anyone to protect her or to lean on. Her safety and security is compromised.
Sometimes one partner in a relationships strictly depends on the other to be the stable one. It triggers panic when they see they might have to deal with their own problems and can't always depend on somebody else to dump them on.
You can't walk-out into homelessness. You've got to make some sort of living-arrangements to keep your life in order and maintain order and stability. It's important to have a support-system that has your back when you're dealing with a crisis or an emergency. You shouldn't intrude on anyone for an extensive or excessive period of time; nor drag anyone into your drama. When there is a need; there should be at least someplace and a dependable person to reach-out to for temporary shelter. Work that out first.
Leaving a faltering-relationship requires a a well-thought and well-planned exit-strategy. You're not only dealing with your own concerns. There will be consequences and reactions.
You have to be able to maintain your employment, retain control over your finances, and keep it all together during a transition. If you have to board a room week to week, that is better than couch-surfing. Maintain order so things don't spiral into chaos.
You'll still have to undergo emotional-withdrawal and a psychological detachment-process; which will create a tide of emotions. So plan things out, don't act on impulse.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 February 2018):
 It is really tough when you love someone and they won't help themselves. If she has depression it should be treated not used as an excuse to bring you down when you are already down enough. I could never imagine living that kind of life. Of course it will be tough leaving someone who you love and care for, but you need to love yourself more and put yourself first. She is wearing you down and that is not fair.
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A
male
reader, Confusedoftooting +, writes (14 February 2018):
Confusedoftooting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys. I have found the pattern in all of this. My partner uses this particular behaviour when something is seriously stressing me. When I am brought emotionally low by something, she seems to sense that. I dont think she is enjoying that I have a particular problem that is causing me stress, but she is particularly quick to let me know how terrible her life is at that moment. It is beginning to seem as though SHE were the only person allowed to feel down. This 'exclusive' kind of depression does also appear to feed from a need to be the only one who can experience sadness. She is certainly unwilling or unable to forget or forgive any past things that I may have said.This evenings sudden and very out of the blue outburst came after my motorbike broke down with a loud bang in the middle of Chelsea! Having been stressed beyond belief having had to leave the bike chained up and then come home by public transport, cancel clients this evening, I went back to the machine to try and get it going (and failing!), by the time I got home I was not in a good place. As we were sitting talking about what needed to be done about the bike, she brought up my ex in a very disparaging way for no reason at all. In fact I had just told her that I was glad she was here, and I was able to deal with this horrible day far better because of her love and support, then BANG! All the vitriol from her. All the time this happens this is first blamed on me, then blamed on her depression, then the waters calm after two or three days. I try to help her with her depression, but she is holding onto it with such a grip as to render any such attempt totally pointless. In truth, I realise I have to leave this relationship as it will always depend on her untreated depression, which is a monster that is too big for me. To be honest, I am soooo close to just walking through the door and disappearing from everyone. I've been homeless before and I'm still alive. It will not be nice, but at least I won't feel hated by the woman I deeply love. Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions, I guess...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (30 January 2018):
It sounds like she lives off the drama. If you don't want that life then walk away now as she is never going to change.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 January 2018):
 Focus on your health OP
Maybe she just don't WANT to not create drama. Some people feed on that and she KNOWS what drama she can get if she brings up exes.
I'd probably tell her to stay away while you recover, it will give you time to regain your health and strength and... give you some time to rethink the relationship with her.
Hope you get to feel better ASAP
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A
male
reader, Confusedoftooting +, writes (28 January 2018):
Confusedoftooting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
Things are a bit pear shaped. I am waiting for an ambulance as the doc thinks I have sepsis - AGAIN! My partner has argued about my temperature and has just brought up a different ex this time. She knows how ill I am right now but just cant stop herself. Im too ill to defend myself, so just told her to go away and not to come in the ambulance with me to hospital.
Yes, she needs professional help, but like many, she rejects every offer from medical folk. It is easier to keep repeating what makes her feel better and hurt me!
Right now I have a fever of 102F and climbing. That has not stopped her behaviour. I think she has answered my question herself. The way I feel right now, the infection/sepsis might offer sweet repose...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (24 January 2018):
OP I think you are right. I know it is hard having to end a relationship, but you should not need to suffer this all the time, and well she is obviously not happy either if she keeps needing to talk about your past. I wish you all the luck in the future.
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A
male
reader, Confusedoftooting +, writes (24 January 2018):
Confusedoftooting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. Your input is very much appreciated. I think it does look like she is pushing buttons - she just did it again a few minutes ago. I have to ignore WHAT she is saying and look at WHY she is saying it. I think I know both in my heart and cerebrally that when a couple gets to this stage it is time to stop sharing the journey...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (22 January 2018):
OP I am so sorry for the loss that you have had in your life, nobody should ever have to bury there child. As for your partner surely she knows what you have been through and yet she still treats you like this. She is insecure over a dead woman and well I cannot see this changing anytime soon. I know personally this would make me angry as well. I would give her an ultimatum like Honeypie has suggested and if she does not change then leave for good. She needs to stop what she is doing and take your feelings in to consideration.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (20 January 2018):
You have told your current partner that her bringing up your deceased partner upsets you yet she still does. It upsets you to the point that it is turning you hostile and angry.
The question you need to be asking yourself is not why does she do it but why you put up with such a cruel person?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2018): Sorry for the losses. You have my most sincere condolences.
People in anger often go for sensitive areas or your soft-spots; because they want to inflict deep pain. Your partner is apparently undergoing some very serious insecurity issues and resorting to very cruel tactics as a way to express her own frustrations, and to vent her inner-rage.
Take preemptive-action. You have to ask her to calm-down and suggest that she not say things she will regret later. You must practice diffusing tension. At least one in an argument has to be the buffer. When you sense tension building to the point of a heated-exchange; as a rule, we males should remove ourselves from the scene immediately. You've admitted she's getting to you. Not a good sign. Even if she just makes a sly or subtle cutting-remark. Same reaction.
Particularly when your partner is picking very sensitive areas that could trigger rage. You had better be careful of what you are saying to her to bring her to such a high state of agitation. Arguments usually go two-ways. There has to be a catalyst. She isn't attacking you for no reason, sir. If she is; then it would justify immediately ending the relationship. No sense in messing around.
You don't mention that she apologizes after her outbursts; so I just assume this is her way of equalizing her sense of powerlessness. Not knowing how you both exchange and knowing there are always two-sides to a story; we have little information to work with here. Anger has to have a spark to set it off. Otherwise; you're implying she is going crazy on you without provocation. Is that the case?
I would recommend that you suggest she see her doctor for a complete medical examination and hormonal-screening. Perhaps you are now experiencing the onset of menopause.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt, and not having enough info about her; I recommend a good sit-down discussion about her behavior and how you feel. She has to know the consequences of her actions and behavior.
Total recall and knowing what buttons to push are the usual psychological-weapons insecure women use to stun her male or female opponent. You may have to lay-down some guidelines of what is to be brought-up during disagreements, and what should not. You should also offer her a final-ultimatum.
Her mental-health may require a professional-evaluation; if this is a drastic personality-change. After some exposure to needling from our mates; we develop an immunity to predictable behavior. We don't get more sensitive; unless there is a frequency of fights and disagreements; or the toxicity of the poison becomes frequent abuse. Be that the case; then why stay and put-up with it?
If you feel you've reached the end of your rope. Don't waste time with speeches and one-way discussions. Inform her you've had enough. Either the attacks stop, or you will leave her.
Maintain calm and control your temper.
Her defensive-response to warnings will likely be another attack; but you should neither empower nor incite her with an angry reaction. She's got issues she needs to seek help with; and I do recommend that you also do some introspection. I'm not taking a one-sided story completely at your word.
Something is building between you; or some incident(or series of events) has brought your relationship to this place.
That kind of pain comes from somewhere. A completely docile sweet woman doesn't transform into a toxic monster; unless there is some physiological or psychological trauma or medical-issue is behind it. She is under some sort of stress or distress; and it needs to be addressed.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (19 January 2018):
We're a little short on background as to figuring out what started your current partner provoking you in this manner. But she has certainly learned how to push your buttons. And it is certainly insensitive of her to do so when the two people who were closest to you at one time are now dead.
This situation is not going away if you don't have a serious conversation with her about this. She needs to know how this makes you feel. And she also needs to deal with it in a manner in which she does not just clam up at the expense of frustrations and anger building up inside her. So, have this conversation when angers and emotions will not get in the way.
As insensitive as she's been, I'm not sure she is up to the task of seeing how it affects you and mending her ways. Just speak from your heart and tell her that you can't bear this behavior to continue.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 January 2018):
I'm sorry for your loss, first off.
Secondly, I'd tell her. That you are DONE with having the ex used as ammo, and if she CHOOSES to keep doing it there is no future with you.
Now you might not WANT to really end the relationship, so I'd put it like this. Giver her let's say 3 months to adjust to leaving this subject alone.
Tell her, EVERY TIME you bring up my ex, I will walk away. EVERY TIME. I no longer wish to discuss her, she is dead and so is the subject of HER.
AND THEN - you STICK to it. She gets mad and brings up the ex, you get up and leave. If she is at your place you ask her to leave. RIGHT then and there. You are out shopping, out for a meal, at her place, at the movies... guess what? YOU LEAVE!
If after 3 months nothing has changed - end it because it NEVER will change.
Unless you have compared the two if them or talked ENDLESSLY about the ex - her insecurities are HERS to deal with. All you can do is decide if you want to LIVE with her insecurities or not. you can't FIX her insecurities.
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