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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months, however we always say it feels like more since we practically live together. When I saw him first, I was so drawn to him that i needed to talk to him - very unlike me! Anyway, long story short we began seeing each other and things moved very fast. I'm 19 and he's 27, and originally i felt that the age difference was a bit awkward, but after spending time talking to him i never thought about it, and neither did he. We began caring for each other, missing each other and generally being very close. We are both from eastern cultures, however different countries and different religion. His parents knew about me, not in great detail but they knew that he had a girl in his life. My family being very strict, i told my mother that i had met someone and we were just sort of 'hanging out'/nothing serious. But little did i know that i was falling in love with him. Everything was amazing between us, we never even fought. One day he told me that his father wouldn't accept me (because of the different culture/nationality issue) but his mother would as she is more inclined to think with her heart. The way he said it though made it seem all so irrelevant, i suppose because we just started dating. 3 months into our relationship, boom. He told me his parents had found him a girl to marry. Now obviously he doesn't know this girl and a relationship isn't born overnight but he said that it was time he looked to settle down. Let me fill you in why he says we can't have a future. Religion. He's from this old gnostic religion that dates back to before Jesus. Thing is you have to be born into it, and one cannot convert to it. As soon as you marry or have children with someone outside the religion you're out. Although his parents will not disown him but his extended family (large and close family) will definitely not talk to him. Thing is he does want to marry me when the time is right. I had no clue about this whole religion issue. So it's either me or his family.How can he choose after such a short while? And if he chooses me - even if we're in love, giving up his family is a tremendous thing and he might end up resenting me for it. The problem is i'm head over heels in love, as in I have already changed my life so much, am ready to give up anything for him (my family would also have a problem with us together, but don't think would disown me). Now, we are so both in love that we can't give each other up. We try to have fun, enjoy it as much as we can - and try not to bring it up. It's like we're living in a dream and one day when it's time to wake up, we're over.I've never even met his family because they don't want to start liking me because it's going to get difficult. This other girl, practically ticks all the boxes - and apparently likes him too. They spoke for a while which really hurt me, but now they aren't anymore but I don't want to ask because I don't want to remind him of everything. What hurts me is that he won't try, maybe because we haven't been together for long? and on the other hand, theres me, who would potentially run away with this guy. I cannot be without him. Ever. I don't want anyone else. I've left out a lot of crying and emotional stuff from his and my part. I don't know what to do, because everytime i think about it i start to cry. Our priorities are very different at the moment, and since i'm an international student I have to go home once my university year is over (still have a year left so will have to live within 5mins of each other if we break up soon). Right now though, i want to stay (somehow convince my parents to let me - if i get a job or an internship) because i'm scared once i leave that we would be over. Honestly, I feel that if we are together for a long time, then one day his parents will have to meet me, and i suppose i have this hope of 'love conquers all' idea and that his family will eventually understand - even though there have been members of his family who have married outside the religion and aren't really spoken to anymore. I know we're good for each other. No doubt. I cannot fathom the idea of us being with other people since we love each other so much. To top things off, he's an only child, so he cannot let his parents down. He does love me - but the stakes just seem to high for him at the moment. Please comment, any advice is appreciated. I feel very lost.Thank you in advance
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 I wonder if he is a Zoroastrian. Or maybe an Indian Zoroastrian ( Parsi ) ?
Zoroastrians are strongly encouraged to marry within the community, but marrying out of it is not explicitely forbidden by their religion, it's a social thing. It is true that Parsi say that a child must have a Parsi father to be introduced to this religion, but there's debate within the community about that and anyway it does not concern the mother.
If I am correct, this is not really about religion- it's about a strong, patriarcal society structure where fathers are used to decide of the future of their children- hard to challenge on your own.
I think you gave yourself an answer by your last line : the stakes just seem too high for him.
Love can conquer all - if the persons are prepared to fight teeth and nails for their love, no matter what's the final cost.
I am afraid that your boyfriend has already told you ,in a gentle, diplomatic way, that he's not a fighter.
Perhaps you'd better cut your losses now- if he has not set his foot down now and said his parents, No, I am not gonna accept an arranged marriage, the more things progress and wedding plans go on, the less he will have the courage to rebel against his father and community. And the more you'll get hurt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): Think logically.
You've known each other for a short amount of time.
He will be disowned by his relatives if he marries with you.
You don't want to marry a man whose family despises you. Even if his parents may not disown him for marrying you, they will definitely dislike a woman who has made their child a disgrace among the relatives.
If ever you have kids, you don't want your kids born into an environment like that where they can't even meet their relatives.
And don't say that love makes it all okay because it doesn't. Love is just a state of mind and it changes so quickly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): First of all you got to confront him we now live in a day and age in which women should take a little bit more initiative and sometimes misconceptions can be made if they don't. The guy might be thinking you are not jealous (which you should be but it seems you show it to him) so he assumes you don't love him and that's why he doesn't do anything. 2nd: Is the real issue his family or him? First of all the age different is huge (and I say huge because if his parents don't know you and they know you are 19 they most likely see you like a kid compared to his son and that's why they didn't even consider you when they set him up) so did the parents really not approve of you because of your culture/religion or age? Is he telling you all there is to your relationship with him? If he has not told you and made it clear he loves you should consider asking him what his feelings are towards you. And I am sorry to say this but I was in a kind of similar situation once and all I can sum up about that relationship is that religion can be really strong in the sense it closes up people's minds so in this case you might want to step in your boyfriend's shoes what I ended up doing "sort of" was to convert to my girlfriends religion or at least pretend it (which my girlfriend knew) but it all turned into a big disaster when the truth came out. So my advice to you is don't lie. Since you mentioned earlier that your boyfriends mom kind of approved of you you might want to have a chat with her. But before you do anything talk to him and make sure you both feel the same towards each other but with an open mind without letting your heart blind you. Analyze the whole thing in another perspective too WITHOUT LETTING OTHERS LET YOU KNOW WHAT AND HOW HE'S DOING (don't take the word of anyone if they can't prove it) what I'm trying is that if he told you he's been spending time with that other girl without him being forced to it he might not feel what you think he feels for you, but if someone else told you about it don't take their word unless you hear it from someone else or your boyfriend. And you better think at what point of your relationship with him you began to fell more for him cuz if you began to like him more when you realized you couldn't have him it might be a caprice, yeah yeah we all want even more what we can't have but just analyze it. If at the end nothing works and you REALLY want to be with this guy give him and yourself an ULTIMATUM and I mean yourself because the heart DOES FORGET and heal and I tell you by experience from a 2 year relationship it takes some people longer than others but it does forget....
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A
male
reader, kesson  +, writes (21 February 2011):
It is noble for you to consider the feelings of his family, but if he ultimately decides to be with you...he may have to leave them behind for you. My own mother wasn't accepted by my father's side of the family for over a decade, but they had each other and stood strong. If you go down this path, remember your backbone as much as your kindness.From what you've indicated, they may not be entirely mutually exclusive. This sounds a bit crazy, but has he considered changing to a more amenable gnostic sect upon marriage? One that keeps with his (and perhaps your) beliefs while accepting outsiders into the fold? It's a wild shot in the dark, but perhaps an idea worth looking into. If there isn't a pressing deadline, more time with him exploring your options may help. Six months is indeed a short time, the longer you two are together the stronger your bond will be.
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