A
male
age
41-50,
*arkknight1979
writes:Dear Everyone,Some of you may say I'm a sad loser, but I'm really needing some advice. It's been almost 2 years since I split up with my girlfriend. I've never been so in love with anyone in my entire life! I've tried to move on. Dated other women but nothing compares. Absolutely nothing. She's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about at night before I fall asleep. I guess I'm writing this because things kind of come to a head at the weekend. I called her in the early hours of the morning drunk. Can I just say. I'm not a drinker. I maybe have a glass of wine at Christmas. Maybe. Don't even drink on my birthday. But I just went for it at the weekend. We were on the phone to each other for about an hour and a half. She was very understanding. She listened. She got upset. I got upset. She cried. I cried. I told her how much I still love her and how much I still miss her. But it's been almost 2 years. I'm pretty sure she's moved on. She has someone else now. And I had no right calling her in the early hours of the morning. I know that was wrong and I apologised later the following day to say I was out of order. I should never have done that. She never replied. I guess the question some of you will have is why are we not together now? When things were good they were the best it's ever been. But when it was bad it was bad. We had really bad rows. I guess that's why we separated. Anyway, I guess why I'm writing this is.... I want to be honest. I've tried to hate her. I've tried to forget her. I've tried to be angry at her. I've tried pretty much everything to get her out of my system, but none of it has worked. I've accepted I'm in love with her but can't be with her. But how do I live with that? How do you live your life being in love with someone you can't be with? Is there anyone out there who is living with this too? How do you deal with it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): The sad part that we all have to live with and accept is that, "Some Love are not meant to be". No matter how hard you try to work things out, there would always be something that will break two people apart.
Its the way of life. Maybe, there is someone better out there meant for you. But don't deprive yourself to continue loving someone you can never have. It's not a sin to love her from afar. Anyway, it will pass, as time goes by. You can't force to stop it, right away. That's mission impossible. The good thing is you embrace the fact, you try to accept reality.
That's the start, the next thing you know, you have move on already. Just continue life, try
to think of something else. Pray, Be thankful and never regret you love. Its a gift..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): What scares me about men who don't get over breakups; is what they do out of frustration. It turns into anger, and they do crazy things.
That's why I keep stressing you get professional help. Jealousy and possessiveness are two emotions that fuel violent behavior. You turned to alcohol.
An intoxicating substance that lowers the inhibitions and
impairs judgement. Uncharacteristic behavior you claim.
Huge red-flag!!!
My man, it's not that you can't. It's that you won't let go. What is the point of holding out for someone you can't have. Come on...seriously?!!!
When we were all children, if we asked for another cookie before dinner; but the answer was no. You wanted that cookie more than ever. Why, because you felt powerless and cutoff. It is human nature to want most what we can't have.
Knowing it is within reach; yet to still be denied. That is torture.
The more you begged, the more agitated you became when mom just wouldn't budge. We relive these moments for the rest of our lives. No one, especially men; likes to be denied anything from a woman. It is your ego that will not allow you to set this woman free. You feel she has stolen power from you. The roles are reversed. She is the stronger person holding the power. You will not rest until you take something back. Well, it isn't going to happen. She didn't steal your power. You are falsely accusing her of theft.
She took back her own power that you held hostage for so many years.
Calling her was to upset her. To keep her reliving the hell that you perpetuated all through the relationship. You couldn't resist the temptation to make her feel guilt for leaving you. Thus the drunken intrusion on her life, in the wee hours of the morning. You're lucky the current boyfriend didn't knock you out.
Wallow in your misery, or get some help. Leave that woman alone. You hold your freedom in your own hands. Oh, don't tell me you can't let go. You're only fooling yourself.
Your power will be restored when you recognize the fact she has a right to move on, and so do you. You are living like a dog wearing an electronic collar, with an invisible fence.
I recommend that you do see a therapist; because your issue is quite deep-seated. It isn't about love at all. You are beyond a reasonable range of recovery. So some professional help will get to the core of why it's so hard, and relieve you of the profound sorrow you feel for losing her. Your problem goes way back. She was a girlfriend. Not a spouse.
"But when it was bad it was bad. We had really bad rows. I guess that's why we separated."
You didn't just separate. You broke-up. You are in denial.
There is no hope of her return. There isn't just distance between you. There is now a permanent divide. The ties have been completely severed.
This is a sign of incompatibility and a power-struggle within the relationship. She one-upped you by ending the relationship. For you, the struggle doesn't end unless you win. The word "love" is used in a possessive sense. You no longer have your prized-possession. She refuses to submit and acquiesce to your demand that she return.
My friend, she got tired of the rows. She got tired of angry exchanges and aggression. Abusive language, shouting, doors slamming, the silent treatment, and distrust. All of the elements that create the formula for a broken relationship. You are experiencing your karma.
She does have the right to reject you, and any continuation of a relationship with you. It doesn't mean she never loved you, she could not love you under those horrible conditions. Now she is over that relationship, and she is over you.
If you can't let go, then get help.
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A
male
reader, Darkknight1979 +, writes (11 March 2014):
Darkknight1979 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your kind responses.
I have tried what some of you have said. I've tried to fight it. I've tried to let go. But none of it has worked. So how do I make space for it? How do I just accept this is the way it's going to be? How do I learn to just live with it and accept this is the way it is. I know there is a lot of amazing women out there. I have no doubt about this. And I'm not really a believer in soul mates and one true love's. But this girl.... This girl just touched something inside me that I've never felt before. It's difficult to explain. When I was with her it was like she was actually reaching inside me touching my heart and it was glowing. We'd be out together, anywhere from eating out, at the beach, or even just in the supermarket and it felt like we were the only two human beings on the planet. It's really weird. It felt like we had the whole world to ourselves. Everything about us was just so still.... So silent. I'm sorry. I'm blabbing.
We don't really talk much. The last time we spoke before the weekend was back in January. I was actually having lunch with a female friend. Nothing more than that. We've been friends for years and like I said I'm really not interested in any other girl. I bumped into my ex and she got really upset and started crying. She ran off and I went after her. Told her it wasn't how it looked. It was just lunch. She told me she couldn't talk to me. I tried to reach out to her but she told me to leave her alone so I let her be.
Thank you again everyone.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (11 March 2014):
 My great aunt lost her husband when they were in their early 30s, she lived until 80 plus but never looked at another man. She was still in love with him and that was that. She was always happy with her life though.
The fact your Ex listened to you after 2 years says a lot about her, most people I know would have hung up if a drunk ex phoned! However she has moved on and has not got in contact or answered your text. She has let go.
I agree 'you' need to let go and move on, if it was meant to be then you would still be together.
Don't let the opportunity to find happiness again pass you by. Do you want children? Do you want a loving woman? Or do you want to reach 60 and think 'I've wasted my life clinging to the past'?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): Two years is a long-time to be holding on to unrequited love. Some people hold on for a lifetime. They are very unhappy lonely people.
Anyone who has broken-up with someone you've loved, can relate to your feelings. However; the length of time you've been unable to move on, may require some professional-help. You may now be suffering from depression.
You may have developed an obsession from your grief. When we breakup with someone; especially if you got dumped, it is a blow to the ego. All sorts of junk goes through our heads, trying to make sense of it all. We blame others first. Then we start to blame ourselves. What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Is it all my fault? Does this mean I'm unworthy? I blew my one and only chance.
You built your hopes and dreams on maintaining an everlasting relationship; but you can't deal with what you perceive as failure. The feeling you wasted your time, and you can't take back the feelings. So you need her back.
We have notions of a "one and only." We're fed non-sense about soul-mates, and a single grasp at the chance for eternal-love.
This idealistic bullsh*t was all designed by Hollywood and greeting cards. Industries built on valentines and fairytale-love. That's not real love, and sometimes good relationships come to an end. We may be meant for someone else. This was only one chapter in your love-story. Another person was meant for her, and someone else is meant for you.
This earth is populated with more than 7 billion people. How can there be a one and only? You have many one and only's lined up in your future. Not failures. Sometimes it takes practice, tweaking, and preparation before a big event.
She has moved on. You were obviously not believed to be her one and only. She doesn't feel she was a failure. She isn't frozen in time. Unfortunately you are.
Man, I felt just as you do some months ago, when I got dumped.
What killed me is being told I deserved someone better. I had convinced myself this one was it.
Before that, I stayed single for seven years. Finally opened my heart; only to be told such a thing. I stayed single so long; because I was really happy being single. My partner of 28 years died; so being within a relationship so long didn't leave be needy. I was quite fulfilled from that relationship, and I needed time to rediscover myself, and fix a few things. Nobody's perfect, but fix what you can.
I didn't want to need someone, I wanted to love someone. It didn't workout; but I never thought anyone was my "one and only." Try to get that out of your head. It's a useless belief; when they don't feel the same.
You can't live with the rejection; because it screams you're not good enough. You said we'd think you're a loser.
If we thought that way about people, we wouldn't be here helping each other. We have walked in your shoes, and we've all experienced your pain.
What tramples your ego even more, is that she moved on and found someone else. You can't get her out of your head; because you can't forgive yourself for blowing it. It wasn't just your fault. Both of you share the blame.
You have your faults. She has hers.
You loved her; but you were not compatible. You can't give her up; because she became a possession. You had terrible rows; because love couldn't withstand your differences. She didn't look for someone to replace you. She found someone to love, and to love her without all the previous complications. How dare she to reject you, and then find someone better. Somehow, she did something to you, that prepared you for the future. You're too busy clinging to see that yet. You're hanging on for dear-life, and the floor is only inches below your feet.
You also have unrealistic notions about the endurance of relationships; and feel if they don't last forever, it means you've failed; and will always fail thereafter. Not true at all my good fellow.
She took a piece of your heart with her, but now it's time to fill that cavity. Give up on her. You will feel overwhelmed with the sense of freedom.
No longer under the weight of pining for her. Letting go is like being born again. I rarely think of my ex now. He also found somebody else. Now I hardly think of him at all; until I have to refer to the past to make a point like this.
We can move on after someone passes away; because we know it's final. Once the subconscious accepts that fact, we can allow the sense of loss to fade to a degree we can live with it. The same has to occur with the knowledge she has moved on to be with another man.
You are now totally free to love somebody else. There is no hope of her love returning. It's all final. That old relationship has died and it was buried in the past. You're dragging a lifeless corpse of old-feelings around. Move on, my friend. You can find someone better.
Once I let go. I had a feeling of weightlessness.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (11 March 2014):
I think in situations like this it's unlikely that it's love that's making you this way, it's more likely the fact that you were rejected. That can have a powerful effect on people, making them crave the other's acceptance.
It might not seem like that, but the fact that the complete and udder longing you have for her and the obsessive behavior you're demonstrating never showed up until you broke up is a big hint.
What do you do about this? Come to grips with reality. Recognize that this is happening and that it's not true love, it's your mind playing tricks on you. Stop idolizing her. Stop comparing other women to her. Realize that there is 3.5 billion women on the planet. Love is easy to find. Happiness and compatibility, which you/she ultimately didn't have, are the tricky part.
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A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (11 March 2014):
 Awww, your touching post brought tears to my eyes. Your ex is very lucky to have your love. I have a male friend who spent the last twenty-something years holding a candle for a woman in the hope she'd leave her husband and be wit him. He is a wonderful, caring, generous man and he missed out on so many chances at happiness because of his unrequited love for this unattainable woman. I'm happy to say that he was finally able to move on and allow another woman into his heart.
You've proven above all else that you can love, which is such a wonderful thing, and I'm positive there are many women who would jump at the chance to love you and be loved by you. But what you really must do is say goodbye to this woman, for good. Either in your mind, by letter or by telephone. Tell her that for your emotional and mental health you can't go on with this one-sided love and that it's time you started moving on. She will probably be sad, perhaps even reluctant to see you go - as anyone would who's been so adored, but I'm sure she will understand. Then, take a box and put in it all the things that remind you of your time together. Spend all the time you need with each thing, remembering and crying if you want to. Then seal up the box and put it away - or throw it away if you need to. Then delete her number and messages from your phone and secondly un-add her off FB if you think you might be tempted to contact her or it's too difficult to see what she's up to. Then just be gentle on yourself. It can take a long time to get over somebody. But remember that there's someone special out there just waiting to return your love.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 March 2014):
 I sympathise. I was in this situation with someone I was involved with for 6 years...it's very hard, it takes over your life if you let it.
He had moved on but I hadn't. I pushed other people away because my mind was so attached to him. I realised it was making me depressed and I was sinking and hiding away from the world. I wanted to be undisturbed so I could be alone with my thoughts of him. I never did the late night phone call or stalked him online, when we parted, I just stopped contacting him but he was always on my mind.
I looked into meditation. I literally wanted to develop a way to get 'out of my mind' and away from my negative thoughts' I did a meditation course and began to practice at home. I consciously dissolved my thoughts of him and their importance over my life...there was no sane alternative.
It took some time and I still thought about him a lot, but I could go into my safe zone, focus, breathe and clear my head when I needed to...it really helped. I had exhausted my friends over it, so self help was vital and eventually I began to accept that the wonderful times I spent with him had come to a close and that I had no choice but to move forward.
The love does fade, in fact we are designed to recover from such things if we just allow our mind to be still and for our heart to let go. Nothing is permanent and no being, other than ourself is responsible for our own happiness...
You know it is done with, you are just clinging to a sunken ship which will drag you down even further. Nothing is permanent in life and you will feel happy again when you just learn to LET GO!
More and better adventures are waiting for you...don't waste any more time over this.
Em x
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