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male
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*icked weasel
writes: I'm a 25-year old christian guy that married his first girlfriend 2 years ago (after dating her for 3 years). Before I met her, I spent most of my time behind a computer, not meeting girls. Although I was not a christian when we started dating, I did respect her wish to save sex for marriage. During this time we got to know eachother extremely well on a mental and spiritual level, but never the physical part. We clicked and I could've sworn I would never get enough of this woman.Now, two years down the marriage, I fall in love with another girl. I guess it's not uncommon, but it made me want to find out what's missing in my marriage that allowed me to fall in love with her. It turns out to be physical attraction. Chemistry. Sex. Something we clearly had not explored properly *before* we got married. I just never desire having sex with my wife, and I need the most wicked fantasies to climax, even though she's beautiful and I love her.Naive as it may sound, I'm convinced I wouldn't have this issue with the other girl. So the question is; should I settle for a less physical relationship for next 50 years, or move on hoping we'll both end up happier (because the way I see it, it's not just me who's suffering)?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): Follow your heart....
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female
reader, LUV2HATEU  +, writes (11 January 2010):
Sounds like your wife isn't the "one" or maybe now that your married you are lusting over women that you know you cant have because of your married? Either way, you should still do what makes you happy. As bad as it may sound, sometimes going and having sex with that person will make you realize how much you truely do love your wife, or it may make you realize the total opposite. Either spend the rest of your life what iffing or suffer a little guilt by cheating looks to be the two best options for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008): i understand what you are going through we, me and my partner arnt married but the relation ship has went down hill alot. befor i met him i was in love with someone but they didnt know but he made it clear he wanted me. i settled for the one that could give me a steddy life and comfortable 2 years down the line i feel i made the wrong decision because i still think about the other man and he still seems interested. my advice is to go with your heart other wise you will regret your decision of this life if this other woman likes you GO FOR IT!
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female
reader, angeyes77 +, writes (30 October 2008):
i hear you, I'm married too, love my husband but the physical attraction isn't quite there and I do agree that as we get older it gets better and the only way thats gonna happen is if you explore. I'm in the same situation, like this other guy but not sure if I want an affair to see what's right for me.. maybe you should have an affair that can help determine if you should stay in your marriage or leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): O.K. I think I see the problem.
You weren't up in a Christian home with Christian principals.
You meet an attractive girl. You admire her purity and integrity. You connect on a spiritual/mental level...and fall in love.
I was raised like her, very sheltered from 'wordly ways', naive about sex...but Let me tell you, as we get older, we get better...and that Includes hot, steamy nights with my husband....
You gave up too soon...you put her on a 'pedestal' like a mom! No wonder you were turned off. You should've gently told her what turns you on...sometimes we're not 'ready' for some things..so it's best to start small ...and through the years it gets better and better
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): I believe that you really need to focus on what you want for you. No one else can make a decision about your life but you. There is a reason why you are attracted to someone else. What is it about you or your relationship that is making this happen? If it is not this woman you are attracted to, it will be another. However, I do not believe in being unhappy. If you feel as if you want to discover more in life than what you have, maybe you should. Life is very short. Any decision you make does affect others, though, so be very careful. Only you can control the outcome in your life. if you leave your wife for a sexual attraction, beware! Sexual attraction comes and goes! If you want to try with your wife, do something different. Set the stage for more intimacy!
--Cerionna
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2006):
It sounds like one of those things where you can resist everything but tempatation.
God has asked people to go through much more than what you are.
And frankly there will always be some tempting little tartlet out there, no matter how good your relationship with your wife is.
Take a generic marriage. In 20 or 30 years they age and the wife loses her attractiveness. Would it be moral for the husband to start having affairs? Of course not.
The moral life isnt suppose to be wasy
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male
reader, Learning2Love +, writes (4 December 2006):
 Dude, if there's one thing you need to do before you go to marriage councelling is to ask God to change your heart towards your wife [yes God needs to start with you first]...
My friend went through the same thing he married his childhood sweetheart and after awhile she put on weight and he couldn't find her attractive anymore.
But after much praying (and much marriage councelling) he's fallen in love with her all over again. God bless.
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female
reader, kandikortney +, writes (3 December 2006):
YOu have to think of it this way. i fyou leave your wife who you have a spiritual adn emotional connection to for a woman you have a sexual connection to who are you gonna be more stimulated by in 50 years? who can you see yourself growing old with? Eventually the sex will fade adn all you will have is communication
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2006): You are 25 and in my opinion just plain inexperienced in life, let alone sex or relationships...what you are describing with the new woman is stage 1 of a relationship, the honeymoon stage that has everything to do with hormones and chemical things going on in your brain that is fueling your physical attraction, in short you are in heat not in love.
If you are a Christian as you say, then you are going against the very promise you made to God and everyone else that you stood up in front of the church when you promised that you would love honor and cherish your wife until death do you part....I realize this is a tall order, but a decision and commitment you made to her and to God.
Your wife is suffering because you have turned away from her and your marriage and started cheating on her with another woman...
Once you start thinking with something other than your penis, you will realize that what you describe with your wife is a much deeper connection that sounds to me like the real thing, love. If you want to throw that out for lust you will soon regret it, as this stage 1 of a relationship will last no more than 3 months to 2 years, and if you can't progress to a deeper stage of relating you will wonder what the hell where you thinking and you will have gone through a lot of pain needlessly and be headed towards a repeat of the same mistake.
I suggest you seek some marriage counseling if you have not done so already and see if you can't get back on track with your marriage. Stop seeing the other woman.
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female
reader, stina +, writes (30 November 2006):
 Hi WW,
This is not meant to sound nasty, but it seems as though you have already made up your mind: to leave your wife. You keep giving excuses of why it would be better to leave her: you are physically attracted to this other girl, it's not lust, you've tried to work on it with your wife, you think that the BOTH of you deserve better... And honestly, I don't understand how you're going to work out finding her physically attractive by including God in all of this... It seems to me you're just saying these things to justify why you're leaving would be "okay."
I am always for working on a marraige, but it seems like you've already tried doing this and it just isn't working. Have you tried to get professional help for his - like with a family counselor? Although that wouldn't make your wife more pretty, it might help you realize again just how beautiful of a person she really is and bring back the feeling you had in the honeymoon phase of your relationship.
So while I suggest going to seek professional help together (not just talking to one another and relying on God), it really sounds like you've already made your mind up.
Take care.
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male
reader, wicked weasel +, writes (30 November 2006):
wicked weasel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers guys. I have actually discussed the issue with my wife in all honesty and we are looking for ways to work on it together with God. I'm definitely *not* looking for an easy way out. Two things though:
1). I'm talking about physical attraction, not sex. The sex is okay, but that's what comes after the attraction. I just can't have sex with a woman I'm not attracted to, plus she deserves to have a partner who's attracted to her.
2). Don't confuse my feelings for the other girl with lust when I'm just talking about chemistry. We click physically, more than me and my wife ever did.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2006): I am not sure i agreed with that statement..yes i know you marry someone for better or worse but at the end of the day, marriage is about giving and sex is an important part of any marriage -I know as i having the same experience...you answered my problem before!! I know exactly how you feel and it does get really frustrating..its good to go out with a few people before you tie the knot...but people make mistakes..the physical side of my marriage is non/existent and i feel so frustrated at times....Try to work things out if you can, i keep telling myself to ignore the feelings i have for another man..but sometimes the feelings are to strong..and i really can,t say when i will eventually weaken...the best of luck to you...life is tough..and everthing is not so black and white...
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reader, eddie  +, writes (30 November 2006):
You state you're a christian. If that's true, the answer is easy. You married til death do you part. For better or worse etc.....Christianity, for those who really are, is not meant to be negotiated that easily. What have you done to improve your marriage and the sex issue? What temptation did you give in to, in order to find yourself in a position to desire the other woman? What will you do if the lust wears off with the new woman? Leave her too? Change religous beliefs?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2006): well, that depends. did you actually mean anything when you stood before god and everyone and made your wedding vows?
i'm not saying there might not be situations where marriages end. but you've been married two years, you're 25, and you've basically just decided sex with your wife isn't good. how hard have you tried? have you told your wife the sex isn't good? does she know you need the most wicked fantasies to climax with her? i'm betting no. maybe it seems cruel to tell her something that seems so hurtful, but it's all in the delivery. if you tell it to her as something that's driving you towards ending the marriage, then yea - that's going to be awful. but if you get your priorities straight and tell it to her as something that's causing you real concern b/c you see it as a serious weakness in your marriage that you think it's important to address. and you need to do this in the right spirit, which is, owning up to the fact that you're largely to blame for this weakness in the marriage, assuming you haven't been communicating with her about your sexual needs. maybe she hasn't made it as easy for you to communicate with her about that stuff as she could have, but if you're a protestant, you most likely believe that the man is the spiritual leader and he should be pushing the hard subjects when they're important for the marriage. and this clearly is.
you're problem is that you've set up a false dichotomy because you want someone to give you an easy way out. it doesn't work that way. your choices aren't just (a) settle for a less physical marriage or (b) move on hoping we'll both be happier b/c the obvious third option is (c) work with the woman you vowed to stick by for better or worse to make this marriage a MORE FULFILLINGLY physical one.
and if you can't do it on your own, get some sex therapy. get some creativity. get a copy of the kama sutra. get some marital counseling that has nothing to do with sex. do it in earnest, with a passion to save your marriage, and put that other girl out of your life. don't see her, don't talk to her, don't think of her. focus on your wife.
if all of that fails, and you and your wife are miserable, talk to the minister who married you and get his advice. maybe there really are such things as irreconcilable differences or things that you really just should have accounted for before making such a big decision. in catholicism, there's a reason they have annulments. but i don't think you can possibly claim those differences, in good conscience, until you've really put in a whole hell of a lot more effort than your post suggests. come back in a year or two and let us know how things are going.
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