A
male
age
41-50,
*eareone
writes:Hi all. I just registered to this forum after googling to see if I'm alone. I am in the same situation as many of you and I'm completely devastated.I have been married for six years and have two wonderful kids with my wife. over the past six years, my marriage has grown from full of intimacy (but with lots of fights as well) to zero intimacy (and fewer fights).I met this woman some years ago and we started meeting Up secretly about two years ago. She is divorced with two kids. I started off completely for the wrong reasons, you know, the usual reasons why men look for thrill from another woman. We had lots of intimacy and she gave me no worry at all and seemed to know how to play the affair game correctly. All was really fantastic. i have hardly been intimate with my wife even before the birth of our second child. so this woman came after and seemed to fill my void. Street a few months of being with her, i felt that she is truly a very nice person, smart, caring and very capable strong woman in her career. I started to see her beauty other than her physical good looks and she has atmany occasions sacrificed her time, life priority and energy to give me happiness, satisfy my physical needs, helped me financially....all with nothing in return. I slowly fell in love with her and started comparing her with my wife. There were days and nights when we sleep together, talk about life dreams and goals, sharing the same passion in home design, lifestyle etc she appeared to be the woman of my dreams!I didn't really consciously think about all these that I've written here until she started to feel hurt in this relationship. She is hurt because she was falling deeper in love for me as well and started to feel bad every time i have to go home. We started arguing, and I've even told her that she knew i wad married before starting out with me, she signed for the package etc...months passed and i can not even yet such words anymore to convince her to stay because I've also fallen deeper for her. Seeing her in pain, i unwillingly told her to do what's best for her which mainly means her seeing and meeting new men. But when she did find a new make friend who seemed to be very personal with her, i went berserk. I had a big fight with her and she was stuck again with me. I think I've fallen in love with her and there's no way i could let her go with another men. The feeling was horrible.My wife knows her personally. After that incident, i started to be cider with this woman in the sense that i started recklessly texting her in front of my wife when I'm not around with this woman. I started to change my phone password so that no one can tamper with my phone and see all my text chats with this woman.fast forward a few months, my wife has had many quarrels with me over this even though i never admit my affair. Our marriage seemed screwed up even further from what was already a child marriage to me before my affair. I contemplated divorce to be with this woman, but coming from a traditional upbringing, i felt morally wrong. I felt sorry for my kids, i felt that my family will not forgive the divorce. Somehow, when a couple gets married, only they ate truly involved but when divorce, everyone seems to hey involved.I bought a house for this woman (I'm not rich, posting monthly hinge loans now) and she's pregnant with our soon to be fatherless daughter. We've been together for almost two years. She's suffered enough seeing me leaving her for home every time i had to leave.When i read what i typed, i see myself a completely loser. I hate myself door not having the courage to divorce yet my wife has little trust in me now and my affair is still suffering. She's proposed to end the whole thing so that we both can move on. I tried to, but i just can't stop thinking of her, the dreams we talked about, her love and care for me. I have also grown to only intimate, hug, kiss, smell her and am so comfortable with even her body smell, her hair, her skin. I think I've truly fallen in love.I used to have the standard roadmap in my head, graduate, get a good job, marry settle down, kids, house etc....every thing about my life seemed well chartered. Friends admire and I'm doing write well in my career. After this affair, my life perspective completely changed. She educated me through sharing moments with her, doing things with her, etc and i have started to see the world with more than just black and white shades. I'm so deeply in love.However, the suffering we have, had taken a big hit on both our careers, she's determined to cut off from me although she's failed several times because of her love for me. I've failed too but i can't find the courage to divorce, feeling very guilty for my kids and wife. I love my kids and am hoping for an amicable divorce and plan ahead for our kids but i don't think any divorce will end up amicable. Also, my mom and brothers would be involved if i get a divorce and all these complicate the situation further.I have felt suicidal a few occasions. I'm stuck. I cannot move on yet i can't divorce. I do realise I'm s useless lousy man. I used to think I'm strong and smart until i surrender myself after having gone through all these mess. Can anyone help me? I'm crying in pain.....
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female
reader, Anonymous in Colorado  +, writes (2 August 2016):
We sound like we're in the same boat, but I'd be the victim. The wife you think doesn't have a clue. Speaking from a scorned, hurt wife. Yes I am or would be hurt and beyond pissed. But if my husband left ME who he was with 1st before her. Then left US to go take care of someone else's kids?! ULTIMATE BETRAYAL!! I'd NEVER forgive you, HATE you and would make sure Your kids made her life a living hell!!! She might even come up missing lol. GROW UP! Quit being SELFISH. You already started your life and had kids. That changes everything, a father is suppose to put his KIDS 1st before HIMSELF! By the way do you live in COLORADO?! Oh and you could forget a easy divorce, I'd start a war to let you feel all the pain and hurt the kids will end up feeling if you left.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): You sir are a coward! If you are in love with this woman and she is currently pregnant with your child and you won't do what is right. You are a depressed insecure fool. How do you think the foetus is developing with their mother feeling miserable, not good enough and unloved? Here is your chance to right your wrongs… Everyone will respect you for it in the end. My father cheated on my mother and caused a divorce. But you know what I respect him for it. He was a man and not a coward. He is a wonderful parent. We are human we make mistakes… Move forward. You think your wife and kids don't feel your miserable energy? Life is too short. Get divorced and raise your children to the best of your ability letting them know you love them no matter what. This baby that is growing in your lover's belly is only feeling pain at this moment. If you're OK with that, then maybe you are a worse loser after all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): I'm sorry if I sound callous, but it seems absurd to be suffering so much and making your wife and mistress suffer so much as well, instead of just getting the darn divorce already. You're trapping your wife into a marriage in which she is a scorned woman since you've got a child on the way with your mistress. No woman wants to be this kind of a wife. Divorce her and set her free already!Your mistress appears to actually care about you, and this is how you treat her - you are happy to take and take and take from her yet you refuse to make commitments to her. Now you have even got her pregnant, do you have no shame? I think at this late stage in the game divorce is the only valid option because you've made your marriage so ugly and toxic I think it's better for your wife and kids if you divorced and openly declared your new affiliations, instead of pretending that your marriage and family life is normal. The pretense is sickening. As long as the truth is being suppressed and hidden, no one can ever heal and rebuild their lives. You're preventing everyone from moving on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): You're so afraid of divorcing because you think it will make you a 'failure' but nothing could be further from the truth. Being a failure is staying in a miserable situation your entire life - such as an unhappy marriage - when you have the power to change the situation (such as getting divorced) but won't because you're too scared so you end up living your entire life torn between not wanting to be miserable and going down unethical paths that bring you temporary relief.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): You are not stuck. You CAN get divorced. Lots of people get divorced. And then they re-marry, and it's legitimate, no running around in secret and trying to cover up their relationship. They keep their relationship with their kids from their first marriage, in addition to new kids from their second marriage. It's called a "blended family"
It has been done by so many people, it's being done right now by tons of people, it is do-able. there's no real reason you can't do it. Of course it's not easy, but you've created a very difficult situation where there is no easy way out. there is a way, you're just choosing not to do it.
admit your serious mistakes and failings to your wife, own up to them. Divorce your poor wife, she does not deserve to be married to a man who is having a child with another woman!! Does your wife even know you're about to become a father again?? If not you really are doing even worse by keeping this secret going, than if you were to confess everything.
"I contemplated divorce to be with this woman, but coming from a traditional upbringing, i felt morally wrong. I felt sorry for my kids, i felt that my family will not forgive the divorce. Somehow, when a couple gets married, only they ate truly involved but when divorce, everyone seems to hey involved."
You need to re-examine your traditional values and ask yourself if it's more important to you to keep the traditional values than to sort out your life and stop hurting everyone you've got involved with??
Yes you're right that it's easy to get married but it's really difficult to get divorced and suddenly everyone wants to make you stay married. But you have to have strength of conviction to face them. You need to have courage. there is no easy way out of this mess you have created for yourself.
practically speaking, it's probably way too late to rebuild a true relationship with your wife, seeing as how you've now got the other woman pregnant. At least if you divorce your wife then you can have a chance at long-term happiness with the new woman, and your wife can have a chance to find a better husband. There are still no guarantees, but one thing is for sure which is that continuing what you're doing isn't going to lead to anything but misery. But you have to be the agent of change because you are the common denominator entangled in both these women's lives.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (7 December 2012):
I didnt read anything past the question itself, as I didnt think it was necessary.
In romantic relationships, you need to finish one thing before you start another. No exceptions. End of story.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 December 2012):
Dear OP,
You don't have to be exactly like your dad. You can still make a difference by not completely ignoring your children and showing them you care. When your kids will be grown up, they won't only remember your divorce but also the years that follow after that. And there's a lot that you can do.
And yes, it's sad that your marriage will end this way. But again, 50% of all marriages are divorced nowadays. You're not the only one who failed at this, it happens a lot in the world. To stay in a marriage where there's always fighting is not good for your children, either. It's very stressful for them to watch you fight, so if you don't get along and really can't make up your mind to save the marriage, you should end it.
When such a thing happens, even the part who's "guilty" suffers a lot.
Maybe it IS better to stay without a partner for some time. It doesn't mean you'll be alone forever. But it might be good to clear your head like this and take some time to get over the emotional chaos that you had.
You sure made some mistakes. But this doesn't have to be the only thing that defines you or the last thing you do. You can use your energy now to limit the damage and to do what makes you feel more upright again.
You need some support right now. Friends, self help group, counselling, it would be best to talk to another man who went through the same thing and understands you.
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A
male
reader, weareone +, writes (6 December 2012):
weareone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand all my wrong doings. Yes, i always think I'm am upright man until my affair. I have so much family and social pressure that i don't dare to face.
I've had many quarrels with my wife. She has given me many chance to redeem myself and save our marriage but my heart just isn't there. I made no efforts. Each time i do, it is only because i feel sorry. I look at our old photos and sweet memories together, our first child, i feel extremely sorry.
I, myself, came from a family of single parent. My mom is my mom and Dad. He left us for another woman and i hated him. Now, I'm doing the same. But i love my kids. I do not want to leave them but i know they cannot live without the mom. And my son who is six now seems to know things. He's got senses and know that we are fighting. He loves me and the mom. I feel so sorry to give him an incomplete family that i once had. I grew up in an incomplete family and friends used to mock at me, asked me questions about my Dad that i was embarrassed to answer. i really hate to put him through the same. I don't know how my kids will be without a complete family. My daughter is about two years old and she still doesn't know muchabout happening around her,.
My mistress had started to give up and wanted to cut off ties.
I feel that in the end, I'm better left a loner. I bring no happiness but suffering...i really do hater myself....doing whatever seems to hurt someone. There's just no way i can not hurt anyone.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (5 December 2012):
 Ok let's reevaluate in my scenario I had a husband that acted like a wife most times.I was involved with mystress causer and reliever who acted like my mother/ Daughter. I have children too. My cchildren are top of list. I dont carry about anyone else. Not ex husband wife mystresss or mommma .daaddddy. Losing no sleep about any of them. So you should forget about the mystress unless you like to be in distress.
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A
female
reader, DazedConfused  +, writes (5 December 2012):
Although I do agree with everyone below that you messed up. Having Affairs is wrong bla bla. Your selfish bla bla. But that bit I am sure you know.The reason you have come on DC is for advice not a pounding.So my advice is..... You have fucked up! Realise you have fucked up. Do not do this kind of thing again. OK, soooo. You love your mistress, you want to be with her. So, you tell your wife. She's gonna hate you. But deal with it. You have to deal with the consequences of your actions. It wont be forgotten and she maybe never be civil to you again. But she will move on in time. You need to then leave to be with the woman you love and who is more compatible with you and try to build a life with this woman.I must stress that you sit and talk to your mistress about this and she understands that the most important people in this situation are the 3 children. You must be part of your childrens life. You have made some bad choices. But there really is no sense staying in a loveless marriage. Its not helping anyone. You need to go where your heart lies but at the same time do right by your children. You can still be a good father if you are not with the mother.As for your family. they will get over it.DON'T BE A COMPLETE TWAT AND GET IN THE SAME SITUATION AGAIN! DO THE RIGHT THING FOR YOURSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU! BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): I'm so sick of married people getting on this site having affairs, loving the outside lover, won't have the balls enough to get a divorce, blames kids and not being financially independent and have the NERVE to ask what am I to do! Simple. DON'T HAVE AFFAIRS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES. I say this to all married people. YOU PICKED THE PERSON YOU MARRIED. Either stay and honor your vows, or get a divorce!. IT IS that simple!
You're contemplating suicide for what? So nobody can find out about your dirty little secrets? The mistress, the house you purchased for her, and the outside child you created? You want the social status and the glory of being an upstanding do right kind of man. Now that all your lies and your misdeeds are about to be exposed, you want to take the easy way out! Really? Its always amazing to me what lengths people go to to keep their "other life" hidden when NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HAPPENING IF YOU JUST DID THE RIGHT THING TO BEGIN WITH! Nobody and I mean nobody said doing the right thing is easy, that it don't hurt sometimes and sometimes the are reprocussions for it. The one thing you can do is sleep at night, and stand in your truth. You will have that respect of being an upstanding man of society because YOU ARE doing the right thing even when it hurts and especially when no one is looking.
Nobody needs to tell you what to do, you're a grown ass man. If you have the common sense to know that you're a loser and what you're doing is wrong, then you damn well know what the RIGHT thing to do is.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (5 December 2012):
Oh my god. I feel so sorry for your wife and your lover who have your babies and whose life you've messed with so much. I am sorry but I'm a woman, it's impossible for me to feel more compassion for you than for them.
The damage already has been done and it's just a matter of time that this bomb is going to blow up, no matter how much you try to hide. You let this problem grow in silence for a very long time and it's only going to get worse if you don't act.
Do what has to be done. Tell your wife about the affair. Now. Get a divorce. Disappoint your children. Disappoint your family. There's no way to avoid this anymore and you will have to face the mess that you made. But you can make it less bad for everyone if you take RESPONSIBILITY now rather than later, when there's one more baby.
Obviously, this new woman is in love with you and you love her too. Plus she's pregnant with your child. Maybe you can be a better partner and father to her and her baby, at least, than you've been to your first wife and your other children.
Even if I'm mad at you, I also hope that in time you'll feel better and that you find a way to communicate with your wife and children again.
The time about to come is going to be hard for you, no matter if you dare to be honest or not. So, please, seek counselling because you need it. Maybe plan the next steps with a therapist. Read books about what a divorce means etc. Tell your family about the affair and divorce before they hear it from your wife. Sure, they will be angry at first, but if you give them some time, maybe they will forgive you and remember you're their son/brother.
In the end, I am very sure that you'll feel better after you've been honest to everybody than if you go on and on with this double life and make everyone around you suffer.
Also, I am sure that your children love you and need you. Please don't suicide yourself, there are years of fatherhood for you and your children that you would miss. Think about them. Even after a divorce, I am sure you can build up a relationship that will matter to them. You probably won't be the best father ever, but you can still be a good father and play an important role in their lives. I don't know if the divorce will be amicable, but you also have an influence on that.
And be sure that an honest divorce can be better in the long run for your children, than to grow up in a bad marriage and always see fighting parents.
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A
male
reader, weareone +, writes (5 December 2012):
weareone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have thought about divorce multiple times but the guilt of seeing my two innocent kids and my wife who has done nothing wrong is killing me.
My mom cannot stop me if i insist on divorce but the thought of everyone suffering just because i fall out of love is killing me. On the other hand this woman is suffering and is now pregnant with my baby....i really wish i can just wake up the next day and everything is settled
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 December 2012):
 I believe that you've successfully morphed in to a member of the Mark Sanford "I've met my REAL soul-mate and will do anything - without limits - to scuttle my marriage to see her" club.
You really DO know the answer to your "question"......
Sorry about the pain....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): Help you with what exactly? Are you looking for validation for a choice you made two years ago to step out on your wife instead of doing whatever it took to work on your marriage, be a man and a father to your children, a loyal provider, husband, etc.? Are you looking for all the other weak losers who make a mockery of their marriage vows to justify what you did was acceptable? I'm not sure what it is you want.
What you SHOULD do is leave both these women, live by yourself and spend the rest of your life being a father too all your children and take care of them. At least get this part of your life right! You do not deserve either of these women and they should be allowed to find a partner who will give them 100%.
Your wife would be out of her mind to keep you around for as long as, and how far you have taken this AND bringing another child into the world under these cirumstances. And your on the side girlfriend would also be crazy to keep you around considering what kind of person you are and what you are really all about. She's not all innocent in this as she should have turned the other way and never looked back from the moment she was aware you were married. Down the road, when you get bored with this one, and cheat on her, she will be in the same place as your current wife.
Just don't get married to people since you can't remain faithful to them. It saddens me the most because you did all this with children involved.
I am not surprised you have contimplated suicide...you really are a selfish person. Look, you have made some really, really, really bad choices here and what's done is done. Don't you DARE take the easy way out again and end it all. You have children who did not ask for this life, you and your partners brought them into it. Man up and own what you've done. Go to a counselor and sort out this mess and gain the strength to do right by your children.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 Sorry , I can't muster much compassion for you,other than the vague general one I would extend to any human being in pain.
But to me there is a big diffreence if they caused their own pain themselves and most of all if they'll do nothing to alleviate it, theirs and the pain of the other people THEY are selfishly hurting.
Come on, OP, do you even realize what you have written ? You don't even look like a loser, more like a grade school kid. " I can't divorce because my mom does not want "
That you can't divorce, and you have two keep disrespecting TWO women and ruining TWO household and making everybody including yourself ( and your kids that, make no mistakes, even without knowing anything they will perceive tension and instability in their family ) .... just because you are afraid of your relatives wagging their tongues ?!... Unbelievable. It's easy to hide beside your conservative upbringing, the conservative upbringing did not prevent you from screwing around and living a double life ,which is something that conservative upbringings surely do not advise. Oh, and asking money from your love- which is another thing that conservative upbringings generally frown upon.
I wonder how come the conservative upbringing kicks in only when it suits you , to protect your interest. If it entails self control and sacrifice, screw it, then.
Very convenient.
I know that no scolding from DC will make you finally grow a pair and act as a man rather than as a greedy child who wants to keep all his toys, so it's a last cause. Neverheless, I invite you to consider that now you are hurting and humiliating TWO women. Pick one , and limit the damage . It 's not all about you you you and your tears . Oh cry me a river. There are also two households
that are cryng, but do you care ?
Luckily, I think that life will choose for you. I think you'll keep wallowing in self pity and making ridicolous excuses to not make a decision ( your brothers would be upset ! umpfhh- that's rich ! ) ... until your lover, who seems an intelligent, competent woman going through a phase of weakness and loneliness, will get fed up and sick of you, and will come back to her senses, realize you are giving her the run around, and kick you to the curb once for all.
At this point, you can go meekly back to your conservative marriage and conservative wife and make your conservative relatives happy.... until next time.
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