A
female
age
30-35,
*abygirlllc
writes:I've been in a relationship with an older married man for a year. In the last year, my feelings have grown for him, and I am in love. I know it's selfish, but I want more of his time to be spent with me. He insists that it will get better, but I'm not sure what he means. Sometimes, it seems unfair that he gets to have two worlds while he wants me to himself exclusively. Since we have become closer, our age difference is causing tension with his insecurities. I'm not sure if I should continue the affair or not.
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female
reader, Babygirlllc +, writes (15 November 2014):
Babygirlllc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses. I've taken them to heart.
To the anonymous woman, who is in a similar situation, I would like to ask you more questions.
Thanks again
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): Some women do not mind being the mistress. They want the fun and excitement without having to put up with all the boring, mundane, crappy every day shit that would make the married guy lose his shine and sparkle quicker than a cheap dime store prostitute.
If she is serious and wants love, then leave. You won't find it here.
But if she is a girl who just wants to have fun and knows the score, enjoy the ride!
All the best whatever you decide.... xo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): You didn't get my advice which is what you're doing is wrong on all counts. Search your soul to see why you would put yourself in this position in the first place and hurt other people. No true happiness will come of this. Don't play the lottery of waiting for a married man, the odds may be better than the real lottery, but your prize will be a cheater/liar if you do happen to win this one. More likely you will get nothing but heartache.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 November 2014):
 My aunt waited TWENTY FIVE YEARS for her married lover to leave his wife.
WHEN he died, she was unable to mourn the loss of her lover publicly while his wife was able to grieve as a widow.
Oh and the wife got everything while my aunt lives in poverty.
The only thing that's unfair is what you are permitting yourself to endure.
He's married.
He's not leaving his wife. If he was he would have left 6 months ago.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): NOT ALL MARRIED MEN ARE SERIAL CHEATERS.
Not all married men will hop from one mistress to another. Not all married men go back to their wives. Some leave and end up with the other woman and stay with her.
Every man is different. Every situation is different. Every outcome is different. Nobody here knows your relationship like you do. Remember this. Nobody here has a crystal ball! If you do, let me know. I will play the lottery.
Everybody here is giving you the popular, packaged answer.
In the end, it is your call. Your choice.
Follow your heart.
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A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (10 November 2014):
 I agree with Honeypie...you are FAR too young to tie yourself down to someone who just gives you bits and pieces of his time.
He's using you! That's all it is! You need to be strong, to realize what's going on, and to end this "affair."
YOu can find someone who is single and who loves you and only you, and will spend all of his time with you.
Don't let yourself continue to let this man use you for a plaything! Gain some self respect.
After all, you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 November 2014):
 You're getting great advice. I'm going to tell you something that you'll reject now, but will soon be the only thing you'll think about the moment you either stand up for yourself and reject your counterfeit affair, or he does it to you by discarding you once either his wife catches him, or he finds someone else.
Look long and hard about how he is treating her. Of COURSE he'll give you a sob story about how deficient, mean, cold, unresponsive, unattractive physically, unsexual, or unloving she is. That is all designed to groom you to get into his bed. The truth is, and this is the only truth, he is lying to the woman he says he loves more than anything in the world. He cheats, lies, alienates her affection, and betrays and devastates her, and if there are kids, it's all the more horrific.
Ever stop to ask yourself why he is acting "insecure" with you?? Isn't it obvious?? Wouldn't you say that the one he's tearing into the security and trust of is his wife?? That's just it. You have zero trust and security in your relationship. He is disqualified from making claims on you while his ego wants to mark his territory on you like a dog with a fire hydrant.
How come you can't mark it on him? No real dates? No walks in the sunset for the world to see. No introducing him to your family and friends. No getting to know the real him...ever. All you get are hushed calls and secret shaftings all on his terms, like you're a call girl who works for free, and all he has to do is toss a few worthless sweet nothings your way, and you're hooked. It's a mirage. You're drinking the sand.
The most heartbreaking about it is - the moment his wife catches him, and she absolutely will, he will say and do anything to keep her. He will cry and plead about how NOTHING you are, how it was only sex, how it didn't mean anything, how he made the biggest mistake of his life, how you came on to him, how he couldn't help it, how it wasn't and never will be love. He'll also probably still deny after being caught, and then you'll really be nothing, because it's not love unless the both of you can face the world as a legitimate couple.
You are caught in a trap. Your ego isn't letting you do what you need to, and your life is in a spinout because you want more from him than he will or can give. You're accepting the crumbs when you should be getting the first and best of your man, and someone else is getting it, and will get it long after he ejects you out of his life.
Honestly, I have a bit more respect for a guy who is hesitant to say "I love you" to a woman than I do someone who uses such words to use a woman.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 November 2014):
 "I know it's selfish, but I want more of his time to be spent with me."
You're dating an older married guy. He doesn't have any time to spare.
You're setting yourself up to be annoyed/angry/sorry/regretful and the only person that put you there is....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
you.
If you want a guy who can spend weekends, weekends and holidays with you, don't date a married guy.
Of course it's unfair. So why are you sticking around for this nonsense?
End the affair ASAP. Save yourself a lot of misery.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): "He insists that it will get better, but I'm not sure what he means."
He means nothing will change, he's just stringing you along so you will continue to be his piece on the side available for sex strictly at his convenience.
A man who has no compunctions about cheating on his wife has no compunctions about lying to his mistress.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): Wow, this situation really hits home for me.I have been with my married boyfriend for just over a year. He is quite a lot older than me too.He has told me he will never leave his wife. The reasons are not important anymore. At least mine is being honest. But there was a time he was considering leaving her.Yes, he does have the best of both worlds. A wife his age at home who takes care of his household, finances, kids, reminding him of his doctor's appointments, who goes places with him and most of this is about companionship. They have likely been married many years and are comfortable with one another. They may love each other as friends but the spark and attraction died years ago. That is what he has found with you. You make him feel young and alive. You make him feel invincible. Special. Like a man. His wife probably does not do any of that anymore. She probably let herself go. She got too comfortable with the marriage so she also got too complacent. And maybe they do not have fun anymore and lead separate types of lives. But in the end he is staying married because he has put many years into this relationship. He is stable and comfortable with her and they share a past together. They obviously have a good enough relationship to still be married. But the spark is gone. He found that in you. And why wouldn't he? You are young, pretty, fun, full of life. You are probably the rainbow in his sky.But as in most of these relationships, as a year wears on and time goes by, the other woman usually becomes more attached to him. And once the initial fantasy fog wears off, she starts to question things. Starts to wonder if this is really a good spot for her to be in after all. And she may place more demands on him. And she may even start to resent him for having it all while she only has the portions of his time that he is able to spare for her. At first she thinks she must be special to lure him away from his wife. But then she wonders how special is she really if she still remains his mistress?This is the most difficult relationship to be in. It is carried on in secret and the other woman often suffers in silence. As for his insecurity, of course he will be insecure. Mine is too. He knows I am too good for him. Too pretty. Too young. He worries I will leave him for a younger man, one who is available to me. He knows he cannot offer me everything I deserve. But he still hangs on to me for dear life. The sex is the best he has ever had. Men find it hard to let go of something that good. I am sure he knows he has a dream come true with you and would not find better. But his insecurities are his to deal with. You can reassure him all the time but it may never be enough. And yes, I cannot be with anyone else either. He gets jealous easily too. And I have been faithful to him from the beginning because I care that much about him and want no other man.You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. If this is not enough, you are free to leave and find a man who will be completely devoted and available to you. I do not think he will leave his wife for you. He is happy with the way things are.If you can continue living in the moment with him, having fun, caring for him but realizing he will never be yours, you can continue the relationship for however long it goes. As long as the joy surpasses the pain....But if you find it too painful, too much to bear, so much so that you are tortured emotionally over it, it may be time to bail. Because it will only get harder. Are you okay continuing this kind of relationship indefinitely knowing things will never change? If yes, then you stay. If no, then you can leave.If you want to issue him an ultimatum to leave his wife if he is to continue with you, just realize that this usually backfires. But... you will have your answer as to his true feelings. Then you can move on with clarity. Knowing you did all you can do.I am willing to still take the ride with my guy. I think sometimes I am crazy and so is he.... but we have something special. A genuine connection and chemistry like no other. And still going strong after a year. We have fun together and really connect. And boy do we laugh! Sometimes I feel like if he was all mine and I married him, he would get boring and things would become blah. The nice part of an affair is you can enjoy the honeymoon phase forever. It is like you are both in the fantasy without all the real life problems and issues that affect typical couples. So quite the adventure if you look at it that way. Most long term couples only wish they had this kind of chemistry and fun....So, are you willing to ride the fantasy and block out reality? Or is reality too much for you that the fantasy has lost its appeal?You either stay in it or leave. Eyes wide open. He won't leave her. So if you can accept that, hang in.I hope I have helped. If you want to write a follow up to me on your post, I will be glad to stay in touch.Hugs.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 November 2014):
 I'm sorry to be blunt here, but if this "affair" has been going on for a year and you are STILL the "chick on the side" then this is HOW he wants it. He isn't going to leave his wife, family for you - YOU get the leftovers. The time he can "sneak" away from his family. YOU won't have him for the various holidays, those belong to his FAMILY and that is NOT you.
Yes, you are being selfish, but more so is HE. He has a family, yet wants a young plaything on the side too. (you)
I have to ask because I'm ALWAYS curious as to WHY women seems to think having an affair with a married man is EVER Ok. WHAT makes it OK for you?
How would YOU feel if you were the WFIE? Or do you simply think that if you were the wife, he'd never cheat?
You are so YOUNg to be WASTING your youth and LIFE on a man you CAN NOT have. All you CAN have with him are.... snippets, leftovers. How is that LOVE?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 November 2014):
 The best advise I can give you is, if you want more from this relationship, is to ask HIM what he manes when he insists that it will get better.
I think you will find he wont know what he means by it, he is simply enjoying having a nice young body to fuck, sorry about the bluntness.
The man is married, there is no future for you here.
So think about it, how long are you going to remain exclusive with a man who doesn't want to be exculsive with you. How long are you prepared to share this man with another woman, six months, twelve months? What about 2 years, 5 years or even 25 years?
I am not exaggerating here, I do know of a lady who waited 30 years for a married man to leave his wife, and when he did it was to run off with a completely different woman altogether.
The man is a liar and a cheat, is that really what you want?
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A
female
reader, babalou  +, writes (9 November 2014):
 Obviously you should leave him. He's cheating on his wife to mess around with you. Do you think he won't cheat on you if he leaves his wife for you? I should add that I highly doubt that he plans to leave his wife. He's just stringing you along, telling you what he thinks you need to hear to buy him more time with you wrapped around his finger. Leave him alone and find your own relationship. Don't meddle or be a home wrecker.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): No - hes married!
Think of his poor wife. Lets just hope she never finds you... I'm sure you don't want a black eye.
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