A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I have a female friend who seems to be in an unhappy marriage. Her husband constantly loses his temper for no reason whatsoever, causing her to cry. He's never hit her, just shouted at her. The other night, she phoned me in tears after he'd left for work because she was so upset. It's not an uncommon occurence.The thing is though - I'm in love with her. She's so beautiful and deserves more than what she's got now. Nothing would make me happier than to whisk her away from her unhappy marriage and love her and treat her like a princess for the rest of our lives.It tears me apart inside to see her so upset and I feel like giving her husband a knuckle sandwich everytime she tells me what he's done that week.I don't know what to do. Should I come clean about my feelings or at the very least help her get out of her awful marriage? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 "Nothing would make me happier than to whisk her away from her unhappy marriage and love her and treat her like a princess for the rest of our lives."
That is a dream, not reality. It will NEVER happen. You need to get that under your skin and accept that you aren't living in a Disney movie. You can't simply whisk anyone away, certainly not someone who very probably does not feel remotely the same for you as you do for them.
Oh no, my friend, I'll tell your what the real situation here is. You're suffering from a classic case of "damsel in distress and knight in shining armor". Just look at your dream to whisk her away.. Mr. knight in shining armor on a white stallion, riding into the sunset and love her like he princess she is in this lovely fantasy.
You only have these "feelings" for her because you want to be her savior. If she was perfectly happy you wouldn't have these feelings for her. And if she was to separate from her husband, you'd jump to her aid, and you'd feel so important and you'd feel like a hero. And THAT is what you're actually after, the feeling of being needed. The feeling of being glorious, a hero, the knight in shining armor that fixes everything.
But her just coming out or a marriage/still being in a marriage while getting involved with you? Do you know what that would result in? Major drama that would only complicate the situation. And it wouldn't be anywhere near glorious. And she'd probably ditch you for her hubby. Even though he makes her cry. Because, essentially, she could divorce him is that is what she wanted. And then she could find a new boyfriend, if that is what she wanted. But that isn't what she wants, she wants her hubby, and she certainly isn't looking for another man in her life right now. She doesn't want to get out of her marriage, if that is what she wanted then that is what she'd do. You need to face it: she wants to stay married. At least for now, and probably for the next 5+ years until she either gets bored with him or things actually get better between them.
Right now she's just using you as her comfort blanket. Like Cinderella cries and complains to all the mice and birds and other animals... that she doesn't ever plan on dating.
Want to help out your damsel in distress? Don't say a word, just let her went, and then maybe try to tell her that you care for her well being, but maybe she should look into a divorce if she is so unhappy, because it is becoming increasingly difficult to be her friend without wanting to push her into divorcing, because she looks so unhappy. It's hard to stand by and not do anything, but it is her life after all.. she is the only one who can make her life better, and since you feel such an instinct to "save" her it would be best to remove yourself from her.
The last thing she wants or needs is another man to confess his feelings for her. What do you expect, that she up and leaves her marriage for you? Do you really think THAT would make her happy?
Find yourself a nice single lady who you can treat like a princess, without all the drama. This damsel in distress doesn't need you to save her, if she wants out she can get out.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 No, no, no..... Don't "...come clean about my feelings or at the very least help her get out of her awful marriage..."
All that can do is make a semi-clear situation in to a thoroughly turbid eddy of turmoil.... WHICH (eddy) will make lives more complicated for all three: You, her and her current "mister"....
Keep your mouth shut... stay out of the picture, and let nature take its course. If/when she and "mister" part ways... THEN you may reveal your feelings toward her. NOT A MOMENT BEFORE!!!!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (15 September 2013):
 You can't be completely certain that these things are happening in her marriage, unless you're witnessing these things first hand. The fact that you said she "seems" to be unhappy, indicates that you really aren't completely certain if she's happy or not.Do you know what people usually do when they're unhappy in their marriage? They leave the marriage, regardless of any extenuating circumstances. People who WANT to leave get the hell out!You are not her knight in shining armor, she's an adult. It's up to her to get out of her unhappy marriage. All I can advise, right now, is for you to continue to be her friend. However, you being her friend doesn't mean that you have to constantly be her emotional sounding board. If she's unhappy, she needs to do something about it. If she really wanted to be with you, then you wouldn't have to be her "exit strategy".If you can't handle just being her friend, for now, then you limit/or go no contact.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): I think your in a very tricky situation .. To begin with all you talk is about ' how' you feel !! You feel this .. You feel that . But what about how she feels ? Have you asked her if she still loves her husband ? Yes verbal abuse is just as henious as physical .. But you must realise you are only hearing one side of whatever been happening at her home .. I remember my sister ringing me sobbing on the phone saying her husband had assaulted her .. I raced to her aid fuming ., only to find out that during her nagging him about something stupid, he had thrown the teddy that he had bought her of the bed and it had clipped her arm and to her that merited an assault .. Now we laugh about that incident but what if I had just knuckle sandwiched him ? What then ? You can't make someone leave a relationship as much as you cannot make a alcoholic give up the drink ..All you can do for her sake is advise her that if she fears him to move out and not to start a relationship with you .., you seem to live in this bubble that life is like a fairy tale ,, princess n princessess live happily every after and what is .. Is the reality of everyday life , getting up working paying bills etc you only know a part of her . Not the reality of living with her , So be warned make sure you have her feelings Sussed before making a twit of yourself .
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