A
male
age
36-40,
*inn
writes:I'm in a relationship with a woman that I think I love. Recently I spoke with someone that happened to go to college with her, and it came out that she was... not what was known as a chaste girl, let's say. Now I don't have a problem with a woman having a sexual past, but being known at a large college for being an easy lay seems... I don't know, not for me. Obviously I need to speak to her about it, but I don't know what to say. Nor do I really know what to make of the whole thing.I guess I feel like if sex is so meaningless to a girl that she allows a stranger to insert his strange penis into... anywhere, then how meaningful can it be with me? Also, if sex is essentially meaningless, then isn't infidelity also. At least that's how it seems to me.So what do I say to her? And how do I get past this?
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male
reader, humpdaddy +, writes (27 July 2010):
You said "I don't so much care about what others think. I just question how much I can trust a person who views sex so casually. Also, I wonder how meaningful it can be to her if she's done it with strangers"
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Stop it. So she was into casual sex when she was SINGLE. Women can and do think differently of relationship sex. I know of many women who had a sorted past, but made great wives who were ultra faithful. Because of their sexual experience, they made great sexual partners too. I think these experienced wives are more faithful because they dont have to wonder what it might be like to be with other men.. They already know. That means if YOU tamed her, you had something for her the others didn`t have.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): As I suggested, do some listening. Slutty behaviour often has a cause.Try and discover if this is a cat you can tame.I have a friend from school who slept with lots of people, maybe over 50 between the ages of 14-20. It turned out she had been abused as a kid, and had issues with affection. We stayed friends with her after I left school- it was my fiance (our mutual ex science teacher) who really helped her by doing his counselling bit and helped her to accept her past. She trusted my fiance, and took his advice to follow this up with some professional level counselling. After some self discovery, she rested for a year. She is now in a committed loving relationship with a friend of mine who is training as a physiotherapist. Love making in a loving relationship is different, bolstered by the forgiveness and understanding she has been shown. I have only slept with one man, but as a 13/14 year old kid at that school I had a lot of guys groping me and sticking their tongue in my mouth. I am sure I would have ended up with many sexual partners too if something hadn't switched in my head to remain focused on the one guy I am still with. My first kiss with my fiance, is what I consider my first kiss - because it was different. I am sure had I slept around before hand, I am sure I would think our first time was my first time too.Having said all that, some girls/leopards may never change their spots. Just if you do think you can tame her, just don't ever let yourself be eaten by the imagery of other guys in her/on her. Try and accept it before you get too close. Someones past is what makes them, them now. If you love them now, you have to love their past too, regardless of what they did. Life is too short to spend it looking backwards. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): I find a promiscuous past very unattractive in a woman.
But I don't think it is evidence that she can't be faithful later on. The concern is understandable but lots of people seem to be able to just outgrow these sorts of habits after a while. Slutty women seem to ougrow it even more often than slutty men do.
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A
male
reader, Finn +, writes (20 July 2010):
Finn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't so much care about what others think. I just question how much I can trust a person who views sex so casually. Also, I wonder how meaningful it can be to her if she's done it with strangers... But thanks for your feedback. It was helpful. =)
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A
male
reader, Finn +, writes (20 July 2010):
Finn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't so much care about what others think. I just question how much I can trust a person who views sex so casually. Also, I wonder how meaningful it can be to her if she's done it with strangers... But thanks for your feedback. It was helpful. =)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Hi Finn,
Woman are strange beasts, I am one.
I have quite a few girlfriends that have had a lot of lovers since I was at school with them, often like a monkey through the trees - not letting hold of one branch until they have hold of the next.
You can have sex with 1000 guys, but a simple touch or a whisper from the one you love is worth infinitely more.
Without knowing the story, the girl may have been "lost" during college - wandering trying to find herself. The monkey needs to stop swinging through the trees, risk getting into the ground looking at the trunk and roots and get confidence that the tree they in is safe and secure. Sometimes we are lucky and find the man first try, sometimes it takes a while.
With confidence, maybe she will stop at you.
Best to talk to her without judgement, listen to her with out judgement. Let her see that she can rest with you.
There is making love in the body and there is making love in the soul, the two are distinct.
So let the past be the past, for it is no more than a figment of the present, look forward and maybe it will work out.
Anyway, who cares what others think? When you find your true love, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?
Good luck
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