A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm in love with 2 men - my hubby and a single womanizer who pursues me mightily. Hubby has a low libido, womanizer is older but has an enormous libido. I've always known the womanizer would find someone else, and looked forward to that day. Well, womanizer is in love with a new woman and acting like a schoolboy-much to my disgust. I return happily to my hubby only to realize that the relationship with him, although warm and loving, is really really dull. I cry inside at the thought of eternity with this man. How do I learn to love him again? I feel like a fraud. I know that playing with the womanizer was a mistake-but now that he's gone, I know that I agreed to it because my marriage was so dull. Don't suggest counselling - counsel me yourselves.
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (2 January 2009):
 Interesting: In reply to men jacking off - imagination - Its a natural aphrodisiac. Have you ever cought him jacking off before? I'm pretty sure he would be. I wonder what it is that pushes his sexual buttons, there has to be something!
To me its clear, he has a inner problem which he himself does not even fully recognise. Seeing a psycholigist is the second step, but first he must figure it out and recognise he has a problem himself. And no, as far as i see your definatley NOT the crazy one. By you trying to initate this action means that you have recognised a problem in the relationship and want to repair it. By him saying 'you're the crazy one' he's just made it clear that he is trying to reverse it onto you - don't fall for that trick ;)
Could you try having a counselor come to your home?
There is the question that he may be questioning his own sexuality at least in some part - this could be what he does not recognise himself. I did have an inclination about this when you first posted but wanted more info about you guys, however its interesting how your psychologist said he could be bi-polar - also had a rough idea he could have this too. Id investigate this more.
I think you've done alot already, infact i think it may be time to ask him to wake up! its also probably time for you to do a bit of the running and let him do some chasing. I think he has some serious issues and he almost seems to be making an effort to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. You've been a top lady for trying your best,
Remember after you've felt in your heart you've given him 100% your very best, it is okay to walk away. You deserve happiness.
After all this id try to ignore it if thats the way he's going to be then thats who he is. theres nothing you can really do and at the end if the day you will have at least tried as you are trying now. You must get your mind off it otherwise he will eventually bring you down and you will be unhappy, im sorry but thats the truth and what i feel for you now. Nobody deserves to continually question the relationship especially if you are making an effor and he's not. as another poster said: 'man would be on cloud nine to have a wife like that' well its true! and you deserve to have a husband that is exactly what you want and need. And you deserve to be happy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionglownatural: As you can see I read this regularly. In fact I read each post repeatedly for the strength they give me to change. Thank you for listing the 5 things-I'd forgotten about them.
The five things you mentioned were natural to me at one time-my folks were my role models. My marriage was very good and sound until my folks died, and his dad died. I often think that our love for them helped us be good to each other. I wanted to be the way we were-kind to each other and friends with each other. I was willing to suppress my strong desire believing that I was abnormal. I'm not a nympho and not recklessly hooking up with just any one.
In a wierd way and at odd times I feel (and this is hard to write cause I know people won't like it) like I'm grateful to the womanizer for opening this part of me up. I'm quite mixed up about the whole thing still-cause as soon as I wrote the last sentence, I felt revulsion...what a price I pay for my selfishness! When I let the womanizer get to me, although I thought I could handle it, I was fooling myself. I justified my behavior by blaming my husband's lack of desire, and bought into the thinking that I deserve to be satisfied. The womanizer pursued me as though he sensed a weak spot in me-he is proud of his ability to manipulate people-I recognized him as bad news but I didn't recognize the danger to myself. Again, I thought I could handle it. My pride made me fall.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): My heart really goes out to you and Male anon. People do desperate things when a strong need is neglected or rejected...something they never dreamed of doing. I'm not excusing the affair, but when you crossed this line-it is a risk of losing all. Wouldn't it be a better risk to confront husband and tell him you're vulnerable to other mens attention when he doesn't care for your need of physical affection? This way He is the one to decide if the marriage is valuable and will do what he can to save it. One book that helped me was the Five Love Languages. 1. Quality time 2. Acts of service 3. Physical(touch) 4. Words of affirmation (encouragement) 5. Gifts. You list with your individuality and the top 2 are Needs you 'need' to feel loved. When you share this with your husband/wife, they see you in a different light. It will be in the back of their mind...if you seem distant. If they are willing to Try, then your marriage has hope. It took months/years for your marriage to decline, so please be patient to build it back up ;) To male anon, your wife sounds like she has 'victorian age' thinking. Maybe she has fears of intimacy? I don't know any books on that, but if you can break her shell, delicately, she may start wanting more and more...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGriffo-He refuses to see a doctor, especially not a psychiatrist. No support medication except for lipitor. He told me I was the crazy one. I went to a psychologist for help who told me he was a difficult man to love and advised I read "Irregular People". I have yet to read it. Psche thought he may be bi-polar (a popular diagnosis currently) and urged me to get him to a doctor...he refused, insulted.
He is not seeing anyone else-he is completely faithful ( I am the piece of shit who looked elsewhere for release) and tells me I'm beautiful. Says I love you often to me. Has a temper, is easily offended. Not physically abusive, but verbally in terms of volume to me and our kids. Complains often and over reacts a lot.
I've loved him for over 20 years. He never was very active sexually...can go 3 months without it. I suspect he jacks off - can a man prefer that to sex? Does it just seem like a performance issue for him? I am considered to be beautiful and sexy...I'm not full of myself, these are comments made to me by men. I'm not flirtatious, but am friendly. I was always proud of my marriage...but the desire in me grows while in him, it fades.
I will try your suggestion again-to give 100%.
Heart to heart poster: You made me cry when you said a man would be on cloud nine to have a wife like that- that's what I thought too. His friends envy him. They don't know that he just is comfortable and sees sex once every couple of weeks as normal...for years, I thought (and am still not sure) that I was a freak. I have not dared share this with anyone but my psychologist-and those sessions ended a year ago with no change other than my deepening sadness. Sorry, sounding whiney here and I hate whiners.
Zinc?...I will check on that.
He is not gay...in my line of work, I am familiar with gay men. But i did wonder ebery now and then...I have had some recent break throughs with him-usually when I dress in a bustierre and thigh highs-my legs are my best feature.
Sorry-it's almost new years...and I just feel really low tonite. i do hate the affair...I do feel guilty...I do resolve firmly to avoid contact...and then my hubby turns to me angrily and says, "What's wrong with you? Why can't you...(fill in the blank)" and my love for him evaporates and I am crushed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): I'm the one who recommended the 'heart to heart'.
You're clearly not happy overall to the point you were with another man behind your husband's back.
You're not being truthful to your husband. Do you really love your husband? I cannot believe how people (in general and including you and myself) can rationalize almost anything and literally fool themselves into believing almost anything. YOU CHEATED ON YOUR HUSBAND WITH ANOTHER MAN!!! If that is not a sure sign that you maybe do not love your husband than what could possibly be another sign? How long are you (and other people and their responses) going to sugar coat things?
How are you going to try to now be true going forward with your husband when in the back of your head the thought that you were with another man will likely chew away at your brain? You basically seem to be implying that in time you will forget and all will be well. Do you think you're subconscious will forget? Do you think you can truly be close to your husband in the future. IMO, doubts in yourself could linger.
I think you are avoiding what you really need to do (and subconsciously what you want to do). I don't think this is any way to live your life and his life as well considering you are putting on a false show. Maybe he will never know...but who are you to decide that? I think he has a right to know. I couldn't possibly imagine being him and finding out 10 years from now. I would feel that you possibly wasted (another) 10 years of his life. Oh, but you will say it was a one time ordeal. At that point, can you expect him (or anyone for that matter) to believe or trust you.
Don't get me wrong, this is not just a one sided problem here. You're husband was and is not owning up to an important part of marriage and that is intimacy including sexual intimacy, especially if that is what you need...and it is clear that if you are not getting what you need then you will go elsewhere (and while you say you may not go elsewhere from now on can you really be sure?) If he is not going to come clean and find out what is his problem, the issue, or get help, or what he needs then that is a problem.
Me personally, life is too short to waste it with such problems.
In my own life with my wife I am making it a point to communicate relatively direct and clear as to what I would like. I am also more tender, trying to be more aware of my wife's needs and she is being much more receptive and we are more loving towards one another. She opened up to quite a few things I was not aware of. On one level, she does not deal with life stresses well and decreased sexual desire is one side effect. She also witnessed a rocky relationship with some infidelity (emotional) in her parents. Who knows what Freudian issues may be happening here but sometimes people act a certain way (maybe subconsciously) to get a desired outcome...like me wanting to leave her (but up to now I won't let that happen). Also, just a recommendation, look into proper nutrition and any mineral vitamin deficiencies if you haven't already as for example a zinc deficiency can spell lack of sexual desire (as per Gilian McKeith the nutrition expert).
My situation is not perfect by any means and I am not expecting perfection but I do have expectations. At one point I just said to myself I know what I need to not have to want to go outside the marriage and I don't think wanting to have sex with your spouse is an unrealistic desire.
To a point, my wife is not clueless either. She knows that prolonged lack of intimacy is only going to cause problems. So why do couples allow it? To a point, why do I have to literally even ask all the time for sex the few times we are intimate? I really shouldn't have to. Is someone so oblivious to reality to realize that having sex a few times a year is problematic? I am a man with a penis for crying out loud. This is why your situation I find so crazy because as far as I know and as far as I am concerned a husband would be on cloud nine to have a wife that wanted sex and asked for it without thinking it was somehow unladylike.
...and that's when my attitude changed...I said to myself either this is going to end in me having an affair or me getting what I want. While it is by no means easy, I have had to make myself much more vulnerable, but I feel this is helping. I am more persistent to the point if she shoots me down (for sex) I really do not take it personally. Little by little we are becoming more knowledgeable about nutrition and exercise also being important in having a 'healthier' sex drive. THE ONE THING SHE KNOWS IS THAT I AM NOT GIVING UP ON HER. On other levels, prior to this I was straight up with her essentially saying '...look do you find me attractive?, do you want to have sex?'...these were not literally how they were asked but on a fundamental level I needed to know if this is something that we could work on and improve OR if it would maybe be more of a hopeless case, maybe you didn't know your spouse is gay and no amount of work will help that. Is their a physical issue I somehow do not know about?...and would need a different approach to helping things.
To a degree, this might sound a little mean (but adverse situations sometimes need different approaches)...say for example my wife has a close friend with whom she spends quite a bit of time on the phone. Sometimes a two hours per day. I basically said, you know what, if you can spend that kind of time on the phone then you can sure as hell be my wife and satisfy some of my needs for intimacy. Sometimes people (including myself but not necessarily related to this topic) need a hard approach and shot in the arm to say 'you know what, this is important to me and needs to be addressed and it won't get addressed unless you pay it some attention...no is not an answer I will accept unless you don't care about potential consequences....AND that is when you start to find out exactly what kind of person your spouse is.
Sure this process can be very very frustrating. Yeah, sometime I wish my wife would be a bit of a nympho and just want to jump my bones because she is just lusting for me. Especially when I think I'm quite the looker and body to match. Even harder when she is a hot number herself. I feel like I'm constantly window shopping because it is the 'you can look all you want but can't touch' scenario. If she was more like me then we wouldn't be having to deal with any such problems.
I also said to myself if I have decided to be intimate with another woman than by defacto I have also chosen to leave the marriage regardless of what came first. To me, an affair would just mean confirmation of what I really wanted and that I am not willing to wait anymore. Another scenario would be me just having sexual affairs on the side with or without my wife knowing...BUT the more I think of it the more unappealing to my conscience, my values and my life. It just seems like a big waste of time and perverted way to live life even if it does mean getting the sexual intimacy and sexual adventure I may not be getting with my wife. This is when I tell myself better to be just straight up and close one door and open another.
If you are straight up with your husband, maybe that will be a wake up call for him if he wants to be with you. Maybe you think he won't love you anymore and for good reason now. Maybe you are afraid of not being with him anymore and can't fathom being alone. Maybe you think another love out there does not exist.
If any of these are true then fear is ruling your decisions and actions. Again, I don't think this is a way to live life.
These are my opinions and my own personal situation that may or may not be similar to your situation. I think I can relate but of course it is your life and your decisions to make.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (28 December 2008):
We need to look at more of his feelings now id love to know more about what he is thinking. Just ask him and see what he says. and get back to us, very tough situation but we need more information.
Is he taking any type of support medication? has he tried?
is he seeing a doctor a coucellor/psycholigist?
Is he seeing someone else on the side?
these questions need to be broken open even if things get a little heated at least you getr a reaction.
At the end of the day he has to put some hard work into it too:
I did recently have a young lady who was in a very similar situation to yours, but she was only 25 and he was 29. She had tried everything she could she also had another sexual partner. After a while I explained to her to give her husband 100% every single time from this day on, give him all your love, your attention and your life. Because thats why you are married and he deserves it and so did she... Only after you have exhausted every single possible thing you can think of that you can imagine, and you have givin him your true very best... Only that is when you can walk away KNOWING you gave him your best shot... That way you will not feel guilty nor any regret of you left.
I know its hard, but it worked for her and things actually started up again for them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSuperman costume poster: Haiku for you:Wrapped in skunk-stenched guiltOh pedestrian oneHelp me find a way, my man
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Here we go.
Doorstep pile of crap. Deal with it warm, loving, faithful man.
Don superman costume, hide crippling pain.
Pick up wife.
Lie in bed whilst she dreams of her womaniser.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Do you not think your signals to him are not ones of a interested woman desiring her husband.
Again how can he desire someone not desiring him?
Trouble is it's not something you can fake, especially when someone else is having sex with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf he repressed his desires for other women, why does he repress them for me as well?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA true heart to heart is likely to really hurt everyone dear to me. Can you picture the conversation, "Uh, honey, I really need to have some more private time with you...if ya know what I mean" Or, " Why don't we stay home and mess around." Or maybe it should be, "I'm really horny and I'd like to take you upstairs and have my way with you." Or, I could wait for him to come home dressed only in a leather coat and diamonds...I've done all of these things in the past.
I don't hate my hubby. I know what I did was wrong and a betrayal of everything I ever believed in...really. I assure you. it's quite unlike me. The betrayal is in the past now. i have cut off contact with womanizer. However, I want to reignite the desire within my marriage and am only reminded that there was little desire on his part.
If enough time passes, I will eventually re-submerge my sexuality and forget. i guess this website is my way of doing that already.
Thank you to all of you who tried to help me. I will one day feel better...but for now, I feel quite alone. Deservedly so, I guess.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): I understand it most be terrible not having what you want.
Have you ever thought your husband has repressed his desires for other women. But because he loves you as resisted such urges.
But I Guess it's all about you isn't it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): There was a time when I would probably have labelled you a straight out cheater. It clearly is cheating. The only thing is you should have been straight forth and communicated the fact that the lack of sexual intimacy is affecting the strength of your relationship.
Having said that, you probably feel that the only part you're missing is the sex part and you don't want to give up all the good parts of the relationship/family. If only he/she could satisfy my needs, then cheating wouldn't even be an issue. Right?
No, I know cheating is wrong and devious. Your (and my) situation is a crappy one, where to do the 'right' thing in terms of transparency may mean breaking up a marriage and family. As a result, I myself have thought of throwing it all away and becoming one of those divorced parents and the impact it will have on my children. On the other hand, the thought of intimacy once of few months if that for the rest of my life, I feel will leave me an unhappy and resentful person (not to mention alot of other stuff).
I have communicated my needs, expressed my desires in terms of intimacy and desired frequency. While things may change in the very very short term, thingd soon resume their normal course. We are just different and have different needs and priorities.
Maybe your husband will be relieved that someone else is/was fulfilling the sexual needs! I feel for you and your situation but to be true to yourself and to your marriage, you should sit down and have a true heart to heart and let the cards fall where they may. That may not be the best action, but it is the way I feel and what I feel is right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): We all get excited by be persued by the opposite sex especially if they are attractive. It makes us feel good but only for a short while.
Your husband is faithful to you, warm, loving and has been through out your marriage, does this amount to nothing. Have you no heart at all.
You have sold him out for a few hours with Jack the Lad.
And the best thing is you are blaming him for your behaviour.
You are acting out of lust and your new life you are dreaming of will come tumbling down be you man or woman.
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A
male
reader, Arianz  +, writes (25 December 2008):
 Yaah I think U should talk to ur hubby...
Then consult with doctor. I hope u will get a solutions.
But I am very dissapointed about ur cheating.
Love doesnt care about size and other things.
If u was really love with him then it u couldn't do like this type work.
Please don't say ur needs bound u to do it.
I think LOVE AND CARE is more then sex. Just for sex u didn't care other lovely things.
What ever
please talk to ur hubby tell him about ur feeligns.
Maybe he will change his ways...to do with u.
sorry to be rude with you.
take care
try to be honest with HUBBY
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): Desire your husband and he will desire you back. You are the one that went looking elsewhere.
Infatuation! All glitter and flashing lights. Not had to iron his underpants yet :-)
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A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (25 December 2008):
 hmmm.I was going to bash you for cheating on a warm and caring husband, but when i think about it. Not saying what you did was acceptable but i do see you side. Marraige have disolved because of mismatched libidos. i see your point as I get older, i notice my sex drive going way up.
And being single after a divorce, I see the need just to have sex cause it feels good. and the problem is you need a partner to do that with.
I would have a friendly talk with your husband.
Please be fragile and not hurt his ego. tell him your needs and desire and if its possible to up the sex to maybe twice a month. try to negotiate this out.
and talk to your dr about if there are anything out in the market that could help his libido. You never know. best of luck.
but i wouldn't continue w/the cheating. you got away with it, but someone is bound to get hurt. most likely your husband. is it worth it?
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (25 December 2008):
I'd try to take him out to new things each week. Do you remember if there was somthing he used to do for you when you first dated? Somthing symbolically special? Try and bring the spark that you had back. Also take him to the place where you first went on your first date if your already way past this then. It all starts with the sweet romance but imagine that your starting again.
Or;
Does he do much exercise? This can help the body to become more active. This will definatley help to some extent. Also to improve the heat I'd add a touch of romance there nothing more fun than to give your lover to chase.
Please respond so I can see what you say about this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, we have kids. Sex with him, I thought was pretty nice but never lasted long-20 minutes tops. The womanizer spends an hour or two-wow...and he was always ready for it.
I love my hubby...but I'm not dead yet! I feel guilty about it, but my hubby can go a month or two without wanting sex. I never turn him down, and until my affair, was faithful.
What made me go unfaithful was his lack of sexual desire. I invite him to bed, he prefers the couch. So when womanizer showed up in my life and was in hot pursuit, I thought I'd try it...I was curious and resentful of my hubby turning me down again because he'd just masturbated that morning or because he had a headache...
I am not making any of this up. My hubby is unfalteringly faithful. I love him dearly but I feel betrayed by him in this respect. Does this make sense?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 December 2008):
 I read a book bad boy by olivia goldsmith. It really opened my eyes to the whole phenominon. You are looking for excitement mostly. The affair its self was a source of risk/taboo that kept your interest. I suggest that you get a copy of Helen Kreidmans book Light His Fire read it and do the assignments at the end of each chapter. You will end up having an affair with your husband, best of both worlds really.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnswers: He had a low libido when I met him-I thought he was being a gentleman...I thought something was wrong with me. We've been married for 23 years, I weigh 170, am 5'10 and look young for my age. He tells me I'm beautiful, smart, and tonite he said I was the only thing he wanted for Christmas. I'm a lucky girl in some ways, but I love sex-even now, I am sort of ashamed to write this to you, a stranger. I thought other women were bragging when they complained about over-sexed hubbies. I kept quiet about my own sexuality. The womanizer brought it out.
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A
male
reader, Luaris +, writes (25 December 2008):
 I really hope you dont expect any sympathy for losing an affair from your husband. Im glad hes moved on but I stil feel bad for your husband. You say he is warm and loving and that should have been enough. I dont see why you had to have an affair with someone and THEN seek help for your marriage. You should have done that in the first place. I think you should tell your husband and see how he feels about your relationship.
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