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*imbo
writes:help, ok, now it's year three in the relationship and we still don't live together mainly because I would have to let her 26 year old daughter live with us, which I won't do. She's old enough and has a boyfriend who still lives at home too. Here it is, christmas eve and I'm alone for another year at my place. I saw her tonight at one of her family gatherings (they all like me) hardly spoke until I was leaving and I asked her if she was going to stop by my place since she was going right by. She said no, she had wrapping to do, would she see me in the morning, expecting me to show up at her place christmas day with lavish gifts, I was so hurt that I wasn't allowed more xmas love, oh I mean any xmas love, that I said I don't know, I'll talk to you later. That was it, merry frickin xmas again. She might have abandonment issues, daddy, from when she was young. She's told me no one has ever treated her as good as I do, but I'm getting sick and tired of feeling love not returned. I do love her, we went through a similar thing last xmas and I told her she belonged with someone she wanted around on xmas eve. I need advice and merry christmas by the way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Thanks for the update Timbo, I can now clearly understand your position, and it seems more about why you have been shut out, than anything to do with her kid. Talk to her, obviously from what you say something is going on. I don't know, it could be a billion and one reasons, but you have felt a coldness, a distance ever since the family party. Talk to her and find out what's going on, since she has appologised maybe it has nothing to do with you at all. Maybe she was just having some problems, issues with something that you know nothing about.
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male
reader, timbo +, writes (27 December 2008):
timbo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks,but you people seem to think I was trying to prevent the mom and daughter from spending xmas eve together. I never said that or implied it at least not on purpose. I just dont want to contribute to the delinquincy of the 26 year old if we were to live together. and cause i dont even feel that way. If the mom and i lived together, they could see each other for breakfast, lunch and dinner for all i care. the mom hasnt been doing the kid any favors for the long haul cause the mom wont be around forever.I wasnt invited to spend it with them when i was last year. My girlfriend has since apologized but damage done. she seems like a different person all of a sudden. Thanks for helping all
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Your relationship is difficult because you don;t think too highly about her daughter and she probably senses this. OK, you may have your reasons, possibly her daughter isn't that great, and she doesn't treat her mother right. But this girl is the woman's daughter, the person she gave birth to, the person she brought up, the person she loves with all her heart. If somebody from the outside comes along and tries to interfere with this relationship, then it's to be expected that she may pull away, and try to spend more time with her daughter to make their relationship even stronger.Your good to her, your kind to her, and you want "payment", because in your anger, that's how your demands come across to me. You demand her time at Christmas, a very important time for families, a time when she is expected, or she wants to spend with her daughter and others. A classic case maybe of love me, love my children, love my family. Two people that decided to interfere with my relationship with my divorced parents, quickly found themselves booted out the door. Sad really, I liked them both, but any criticism about me, made my parents mad and they got rid of them, no matter what I said to defend them. Maybe this is the case for the daughter, maybe she may be on your side but her mother is trying to protect her, and proving a mother's love by putting her daughter first and pushing you away.Two suggestions for next year, if your going to stick arround. First try to get invited to the house, even with the daughter there. You want this woman to spend time with you for Christmas, well she has Christmas with her daughter, if you want to see her you must realize that you have to include the daughter too... That could be the plan for next Christmas Day. But christmas is a long season, planning in advance to take her away for a couple of days, might be just the kind of special surprise she needs.A compromise then, if you decide to stay with this woman who has kids. A family day with the daughter, and then one day for you lovers to be by yourself. If you can plan and get this working next year, then it can be your little tradition, something you always do, and then you will be able to have some romantic time with somebody you care about at Christmas.... Her behaviour this year sounds like she knows your feelings, she's upset about your views about her daughter and she may be trying to punish you, or show you that she managed before you, and she can manage again if you decide to go.
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reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (26 December 2008):
 I'm not trying to be mean, but it's not right for you to tell her that she can't be with her mom on Christmas.I don't know the daughter, so I can't say whether she is a freeloader or not. I'm 29 and live with my mom right now, not because I am a freeloader. I worked my way through college, have my degree in Spanish, and am a teacher. I would like to get another teaching certificate, but it's expensive, so I am working and saving my money. My goal is to become independent, and have a better life. My parents weren't able to help me out with college, because my mom was ill at the time and going through a nasty divorce. I'm not bitter about it, but now my mom is in a position to help me, and she understands. One thing that you have to remember is that every culture is different. I see that you are in the States. In North American culture, there is a stigma with living at home with your parents. That doesn't mean that it is "wrong," it's frowned upon in North American culture. It's subjective.In many cultures, for example, Latin America, the reverse is true. Adult children are ABLE to take care of themselves, and they are expected to be educated and have careers, but families there tend to be closer and the idea is that "why distance yourself from your loved ones?" They think North American customs are weird, we North Americans don't understand Latin American customs, but who is "right?" It's all relative, like I said. Neither one is right, or wrong, just different. Having lived in Latin America, though, I understand their perspective. It's important to be educated and to have a good career but just because you live with your family doesn't mean that they are supporting you and you can't take care of yourself. I wouldn't put anyone else's culture down but it makes sense. :)
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reader, boo22  +, writes (25 December 2008):
 Sorry mate,but you don't sound very nice. So what if her daughter's in a low paid job. Lots of good people are in that situation. No wonder you're alone xmas eve.
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reader, SoftlyCaress  +, writes (25 December 2008):
 I dont blame you I wouldnt have her daughter in the house either she is a grown woman and needs to do for herself .And As for you and her spending Christmas together there shouldnt be any reason you cant spend it with the family and her . you have to learn to share times like this it isnt easy when yo have kids to spend a holiday alone unless it is a anniversary or valentines or something just for the 2 of you. so as for that you kinda have to give and take . tell her how you feel about her but let it be known that her daughter is grown and should be on her own .I let me daughters go as far as supporting them at 18 they both had a job and was out on their own . And hers should have been out by now also ...Just let her know how you feel and ask her who does she think is going to be there for her when her daughter does decide she wants to grow up and let go of mommies apron string???
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reader, timbo +, writes (25 December 2008):
timbo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, more info required? im not the bad guy here. the daughter has a low paying job with no future,no car, doesnt go grocery shopping,doesnt do her own laundry, she has to use moms car everyday so mom doesnt even get to drive her own car, just on weekends. that child(remember shes almost 27 years old) is a needy user and doesnt mind costing her mom money or a relationship. why would i want that? i have a giving personality but im not stupid.
and as far as doing things with the mom, 4 day vacation in boston with awesome red sox tickets(her first game ever) for her last birthday is a good example. Diamond earings last xmas. dinner at my place everynite except thursdays, her laundry nite. i buy all the groceries by myself. So, i really dont ask her for much, to spend xmas eve with her boyfriend is that too much to ask? thanks for trying to help, i think i know some things just aren't meant to be
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): You are wasting your time here. Find someone new.
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reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (25 December 2008):
I know you love the girlfriend, but you have to accept that her daughter is part of the package... she's her flesh and blood. Why do you mind having her live at home?
I hope you feel better.
As for being alone with the cat, sometimes cats are more loyal companions than romantic partners. My cats have been loyal anyway. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): mmmm... new guy, not daddy, tells me that I can't live in my mothers house because I am too old....mmmmm
Guess you like spending your christmas alone..
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reader, 48years +, writes (25 December 2008):
 You are the master of your own destiny. Get a cat sitter. Grab your girl and make sure to spend New Years with her at a Bed and Breakfast and that can be your lavish gift. Screw the yearly family party just this once....make a memory you'll cherish when you're at Shady Acres Nursing Home.
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