A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a freshman in college and did not drink in high school. In my first semester I started drinking at parties and get-togethers but very rarely did I get drunk. As I became more accustomed to drinking, it didn't really bother me to start drinking more and more and getting drunker each time I would go out. I began having a relationship with my ex-girlfriend from high school after one weekend where she came to visit another friend and I realized I was still in love with her. Since she goes to another college, we had been having a long distance relationship for about a month and a half and everything was going perfectly.One weekend, my best friend came to visit and see a football game. We won the game in overtime and it was very exciting, so we decided to go and get completely drunk. My best friend is a big partier so I wanted to show him that I knew how to party it up too. Unfortunately, the frat houses that evening were completely packed so we ended up going back to a girl who lives above me's dorm room to take shots. This girl had been flirting with me for a few weeks, and I realized the danger that this situation put me in, and so I tried hooking up my best friend with her. When that didn't work, I unsuccessfully tried calling my other best friend (who doesn't drink) to come hang out with us to keep me out of trouble. I didn't think anything would happen, but I realized the danger and I tried to prevent it.I don't remember how many shots we took, but it was more than I have ever had at one time in a very short period of time. I was trying to keep up with my best friend who just kept drinking, meanwhile the girl stopped about halfway. My best friend decided that he was going to leave when he noticed that this girl was coming on to me. I remember flashes and pieces of the night, and remember passing out at least once. This girl was repeatedly attempting to come onto me, and I told her that I was in love with my (now) ex. We ended up having sex for a short time until I was rescued by one of my friends who saved me (i.e. I never finished). I woke up the next morning and realized what I had done and after sobering up, immediately drove 2 hours away to my girlfriend's college to tell her what had happened. I accepted full responsibility for what happened, I realize that everything that happened is my fault. I went and found my girlfriend and told her what happened. I am completely in love with her and could not lie to her ever (one reason being that I am fairly sure she is the girl I want to marry).Obviously, she did not want to hear it and told me it was over and that I needed to leave. I did after a while. I've written her two letters and called her once, explaining to her how much I feel for her, how sorry I am, and exactly what happened. I made her a promise that I would not drink ever again and I haven't touched it since (even though there has been a lot of pressure to). I also made her a promise that I would wait for her forever.I've dreamed about her every night, I miss her terribly, I've tried to give her some space because I realize how much I hurt her. I love her more than anything in the world. Every second I spend with her is an eternity, and I can live in those moments forever. I realize that I made the worst mistake of my life, because of one stupid night where I tried to impress a friend and experimented with a dangerous drug. I will spend the rest of my life trying to win her back. Is there any way for me to obtain forgiveness? If so, how?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): You are a very responsible man. Yes , you made a mistake, but we learn from these mistakes. It will take her time, for a girls heart is easily broken, and when it is , we tend to be...cold to those who did the damage. But, she will come around eventualy. Is she really the one you intend to marry? Honesty was the best thing. When she is ready, you can talk about it. I know you love her, and that is the one thing that plays on your side. Your backup for this mistake is your love. Things work out for a reason. Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): I POSTED THE QUESTION - AM REPLYING TO OTHERS TO CLEAR STUFF UP.
FIRST - to pvtguy:
I am in a top 10 university in the nation, am majoring in non-western languages and have a 3.7 gpa, so if you consider that not getting a solid education then you are poorly mistaken. I take my studies very seriously and get exemplary grades. I spend the majority of my time studying and learning, however in my FIRST semester of college I did feel a need to taste "the college experience". If you want to crucify me for that, then by all means do, but unless you never partied in college EVER then please consider what YOU write and try to use some common sense before posting.
SECOND:
I realize that what I did was my mistake. I in no way tried to justify my actions to her, and in no way do I try to justify them to myself. I realize that I could have left. When it all comes down to it, I blame no one but myself because I realize that it is my fault. I realize that my drunken lust was the cause of my problems, and I do not blame my best friends, the girl, or anything but myself.
THIRD:
As to taking responsibility for my actions, I am curious as to what every one else's definition of responsibility is. I have recognized my mistake, am not attempting to blame anyone but myself for this mistake, have (and am) taking steps to make sure that this mistake never occurs again, and was honest to the person that I love. If that is not responsibility, then what is? I realize that drinking was not the cause of my actions, but it was certainly a catalyst which I have no intention of ever allowing to influence my judgment ever again.
I am not getting on a soapbox and trying to justify myself to anyone. If it so happens (as is likely) that I never have a chance with her again, then that is the consequence that I will have to accept for my transgressions. She has wanted me to leave her alone, so I have. I am not attempting to convince/coerce her into forgiving me because I don't know if I can even forgive myself for breaking her heart.
So please stop with the "stop begging and be a man" or "run and tell it to mommy". I am not begging and I am not shirking any responsibility. I accepted my mistake and owned up to it. I am ashamed and embarrassed of myself, but I will not hide from my mistake or attempt to lay fault on anyone but myself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): I disagree with the other two posters. There is no excuse for not telling her. That was the best thing you could have done in that instance. Th truth would out some day, better it be from you then from a drunken friend after you two have an argument.
Yes what you did was despicable. Even going to that room with another girl was a bad idea. You should have left with your friend. But you didn't.
You say you have taken responsibility. But in truth all you have uttered are empty words.
Do you really think it's the drinking that bothered your girl and that all you will have to do is stop it? No.
Leave the girl alone. Tell her you are sorry and wish you had never gone to that party, but can't change the past. Tell her you love her and respect her decision.
If there is love in her for you, eventually it will grow again. But it will take time, if nothing else. And the decision to continue with the relationship must lie with her.
Eventually she will have to forgive you. It is the only true way she can move on or get over her anger.
My advie is to get better friends and stay clear of college parties from now on.
You deserve a second chance. If your girl is smart, she'll figure this out. But if/when she does, you screw up agaibn I will wholeheartedly agree with kicking you to the curb.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (25 December 2008):
 I see what you're doing, you're trying to make it sound as if you did everything you could to prevent havings sex with this girl, so it seems like it was out of your control but I'm not buying it. You didn't have to go back to her house to take shots (you didn't "end up" going there as you put it- she invited you, and you could have easily said no). You could have left once you realized she only wanted sex. You could have left when your friend left. You could have stopped drinking once you realized you were getting too drunk and out of control of yourself. You could have distanced yourself from the girl weeks ago when she first started flirting with you. You could have shoved her off you once it stopped being just flirting and she started actually physically having sex with you. There are many, many, many things you could have done to stop it. And you didn't do any of them. It is clear that you really wanted to sleep with her, and now you regret it because you realize that momentary lust for a woman you have no real deep connection with is worthless compared to a lifetime of love with a woman who you are compatible with on MORE than just a sexual level. This is a lesson many of us must learn at some point in order to settle into happy monogamous relationships where lust for others is at the very back of our minds, and we are able to focus on the things that make us happy instead.
Unfortunately you may have lost your girlfriend in the process of learning this lesson. Will she forgive you? Who knows. It is up to her. You might want to take her out for lunch or something to discuss everything and truly get closure. If she says no to the lunch, says she never wants to talk to you again, then it is safe to assume that she has decided to move on. And it would be best for you to let her move on because if you continue to pursue a woman after she has made it clear she does not want to communicate with you anymore then you become a stalker. Don't be one of those creepy exes... be better than that.
Lucky for you, you are still young and have a lot of time to establish a new relationship with someone else if you so desire. It's not the end of the world, but it is a painful lesson learned, hopefully you don't make the same mistake in the future with other women.
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