A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’m a freshman In college and am doing long distance with a boy I started dating about a year ago (during my senior year of high school). I truly believe that I’m in love with him, as I dated a boy before him and learned the difference between just loving someone and being IN love with them. When my current boyfriend and I left for our respective colleges (4 states away), we agreed to do an open relationship. As the semester went on, we each hooked up with one person and modified it so that we agreed not to seek out hookups but if they happened then it’s not a huge deal and we tell eachother. I was really happy with this arrangement, as I didn’t desire to be with anyone else but have always been very realistic and felt that it’s practical to leave room for these issues in the future. As time went on he decided he couldn’t handle this and we went into second semester being in a closed relationship. I didn’t prefer this but I agreed and didn’t think there was any possibility of me breaking this. Then, 3 weeks in, I got drunk at a party and spent the whole night talking to this guy that I clicked with, and we hooked up. I told my boyfriend the next day bc I knew he deserved to know and we worked through it. A week later, I was drunk at another party and hooked up with the same guy. It’s been a couple weeks since then and I’ve hooked up with him a couple more times and talk to him pretty often. I don’t want to date this other kid but I truly enjoy the fun and freedom of having these college experiences. I really am in love with my boyfriend, but it’s so hard to be 18 years old and to feel like I’m missing out on so much. Many people argue that you can’t love someone and wanna be with other people, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I could see myself with my boyfriend for a very long time, and if that’s true then these will be the only years I have to myself to experience. And I value that. I really want to broach being open again, and I know I’m a horrible person for not telling him but I rlly don’t think he could take the truth and as selfish as it is I don’t wanna lose him or break up with him. I never thought I’d be the type of person to do this. I really love him and want to be with him, but I also want to have these college experiences and the notion of freedom. What do I do and am I horrible?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2019): To Cindy Cares. Anonymous male here. I understand what you are saying, but the OP and he bf did agree to and open relationship. Then they watered that down to a not on the hunt for it, but if it happens then OK. OPs bf then wanted a closed relationship that the OP did not prefer, however she did agree in good faith believing that she could maintain fidelity. Now here is the OPs downfall, and it is not a gun to the head, it is over doing it with alcohol! She did get drunk with or without the help of fella number two! The slack that the OP deserves is that she felt she could remain true, she underestimated the alcohols ability to uninhibit her, then instead of owning up to her bf, out of compassion, she lied by omission, in order to not hurt the man she loves. The OP is not blameless! She should have never agreed to a closed relationship if she did not prefer it. When she got drunk and cheated she should have confessed to her bf, and then opened the relationship. The bf cannot close OPs end of the relationship!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 March 2019):
 Anon male, the OP gets no slack because her case is very dufferent from yours.
Apples and iranges. You and your GF agreed on having an open relationship and allowing each other to have sex with other people. ( Personally, I have my doubts that you'll find this so beneficial for your relationship and future married life, but never mind, - it would be a long story and I would digress ). You both are fine with the agreement, in fact you find it hot and exciting, and everything is transparent and consensual.
OP's boyfriend is NOT ok with an open relationship: he agreed to try in a blander, " modified " form ( not go seeking hook ups, but if " it happens ".. Which, if you ask me, is BS. Nothing just happens unless you want it to happen ( unless you are held at gun point, or other physical coercion, of course. But, never mind that, once again ). He did NOT like it. He decided he could not handle it. He is fine with monogamy, and the girl non -monogamy HURTS him, so that she takes care to hide it from him.
What slack do people expect , or deserve, for intentionally HURTING people who love them ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2019): I think the aunts and uncles are giving you no slack. I agree that you should not cheat. My gf went away to a four year college but i went to our local community college. We are a couple totally in love and know that we will get married after her graduation. We are smart enough to know that with my medium to high sex drive and with my girls very high sex drive that we would have sex with other people, so we did not break up but just on a temporary break during the scholastic year. We are together for winter break and the summers. We tell each other what we have done with others and we have incredible hot sex together pooling all of our collected learning. When we marry we will be very expierienced sexually to satisfy each other exclusively. No cheating tho! Just a break that is fully transparent, to the other! Best of luck! If he loves you, he will wait for you, to gain your college experience! No doubts!
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (21 February 2019):
 You fancy being in a long distance relationship because you get both the stability of 'having someone - a boyfriend' and freedom for random hookups. You are young and don't quite understand what true love and true commitment is.When you truly love someone, you cannot even imagine yourself giving your body to another person, or sharing such intimate acts with any one else but the person you are in love with. You would want for him to only share such intimacy with you and you with him. You mention wanting College Experiences, what exactly do you mean? You mean the experiences of sleeping with many other men? I don't think that is college experience.. people do this even after college age. You can have College Experiences by partying, drinking, crashing right before a final, meeting new people... but also keeping yourself for the one you truly love. If you can't do that, I suggest you break up with your boyfriend and let him find someone who can.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 February 2019):
Are you horrible ? well, horrible is a strong word, naybe I would not call you horrible, but surely I'd go with
" selfish " and " entitled ". You want to keep your cake and eat it too, because that makes you happy, and if other people should be not happy about it, oh screw them, that's their problem.
You neither love this boy nor you are " in love " with him- if you engage in behaviours which hurt him, and you know that hurt him ( or would hurt him if he only knew ) but still keep doing the same things- in fact, if you have expressely agreed NOT to do certain things but you continue doing then - where's the love here ? Yes, I know that you think that you can love somebody and also be with other people, and maybe you are right… IF your partner agrees and feels the same and is not particularly bothered by these " other people ". But if he, as you said, can't handle it, and you cannot tell him because it would HURT him too much ? What kind of love is this, where it's ok to hurt the one you love- as long as you can make a fool out of him ?? You love your ego, your convenience, your easy, immediate gratification, not the guy. Now , there's no law which says that you must have deep, serious feelings for anybody, at your age ; if you just want to have some fun, that's fine- but, if you do not have deep, serious feelings, why then agreeing upon being exclusive,, and accepting from him a commitment that you are not willing at all to offer him back ? Just let him go, and you have your fun and your experiences without guilt and without being horrible !
Plus, come on, what is this silliness about " we won't go looking for stuff, but if it happens… " It does not just happen, you MAKE it happen. You make it happen, by not preventing it ! If you know that when you drink you become, erm, very amorous- easy, don't drink then. ( Or at least, drink moderately, do not get drunk ). Is that asking too much ? Ok, then drink at home with your besties and do not go to parties. At the very least, don't go to parties where it's sure / likely that you'll meet your current fuck buddy !
My point is, delaying impulse gratification is not so terribly difficult , if only you want to give it a honest try and to put a little effort into it. You don't want it, for the time being. You are not ready to stay committed ; then… don't °pretend° to stay committed. As you pursue your freedom to seek different adventures with different people, since atm this seems to be your priority- then show some respect for your bf's freedom to pursue the kind of relationship he wants : a monogamous , committed one.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2019):
 You should break up with your BF because you aren't ready or mature enough for a REAL relationship.
If you have so little self-control that you fuck some guy "because you are drunk" even though you have a BF, and then DO it again AFTER having agreed to being exclusive.... it's because you DON'T want to be exclusive, faithful and because you might CARE for your BF but it's NOT love, OP. It isn't.
YOU are more concerned with "not missing out" whatever the F that means, than sticking to your promise to your BF.
You aren't looking for a real open relationship, you just wanted permission to fuck around and STILL be able to say; " I have a BF".
Let your BF go, and then DO your thing as a single girl.
Side note, OP.... Being drunk is NOT an excuse to have sex with people. The alcohol didn't flirt and take every step YOU TOOK that lead up to sex.
Stop being so selfish and just let him go. Who knows, maybe down the line you will meet again, maybe you won't.
But I'll say this, your BF can do better than you.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (21 February 2019):
 How are you in love with someone you’re cheating on? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You sound incredibly selfish, childish and really not ready for a relationship.
If you love someone you could not physically be with another person, it’s not possible. You may like him a lot but you’re definitely not in love if you can routinely cheat on him. You are supposed to be in an exclusive relationship yet you’re fucking some other dude every time you have a drink. You’re really showing your age as blaming your cheating on alcohol is really immature. Even when I’ve been at my drunkest points I still know right from wrong, something you definitely need to work on.
Own up to what you’ve done, tell your BF and let him decide whether to continue the relationship or not.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 February 2019):
 You have really low impulse control, dont you? When you know that you just cant keep your legs together, then you shouldnt be in a relationship at all, long distance or close. What would it matter if your boyfriend lived in the same town as you? It appears all you need is a drink and you will just jump into bed with a guy. So in your case, no relationship at all is best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): Perfect example for young people contemplating long-distance relationships when away at school. It usually ends-up this way; most of the time it happens unbeknownst to the one being cheated on. They're trusting and behaving themselves; while the other person is dipping and dabbling in local-exploits. Enjoying the "college-experience!"
If you have an open-relationship simultaneously with a long-distance relationship; a more appropriate description and/or term for it is "friends with benefits." There is no real commitment; if you can see and boink whomever you want.
How do you know he's complying with the "one-time only rule?" How likely are you to stick to it when you have permission to mess around with other guys? You want your cake and to eat it too! How convenient!
Sweetheart, you may claim to be "in-love;" but you're not faithful to your boyfriend. You agreed to be in a monogamous relationship; but cheated with the same guy twice. You're not in-love, you may only love him as a FWB. You may be possessive over his feelings; but I'm almost certain he's doing the same thing you are. You'll both come-around to reality. You're both kidding yourselves.
Your boyfriend decided he isn't up for this kind of relationship. You should set him free. You're really playing him along and pretending to be faithful; but you're not. You're going to use "drunkenness" as your excuse, every-time you accidentally-on-purpose end-up hooking-up with some guy.
You keep saying over and over how you really love him.
Trying to convince us, or yourself? You wanted to keep an open-relationship...remember? Seems you are.
You're a wee horrible; because you're not being totally honest. You're young and you're a little entitled. You want a faithful-boyfriend; and you want to hookup on the side.
That's not how it works, my dear.
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