A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25 years old and I'm still virgin. I had a lot of chances to lose my virginity but I saved it for my future wife. Because I want to have a married life with 100% trust in each other. Now I'm getting married to an unknown girl whom I just met.because its an arranged marriage. I just want to be sure that she is still virgin as me. Because as i mentioned I compressed all my feelings for the past 25 years for this moment and I'm a pure man.I want my wife to be like me. But how can I ask her something like this. If she lies to me and i find it after marriage, I'll be completely an asshole, who trusted her. Please tell me how to tell her about this. Please don't tell that "virginity is nothing, and trust is everything" I've heard that a lot of times. I just want a pure person as me....And I'm sure I'm 100% eligible for my request......
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2020): I am all in favour of loyalty and decency, morals which have often slipped, but you are expecting someone who has never met you and has no feelings for you to have made sure she was never touched by another soul before she knew she was going to be your wife, before she knew you existed.That is ridiculous.Loyalty is based on having feelings for someone and those feelings being so strong nobody else matters. How can her feelings for you be that strong before she is with you?Very few are going to save themselves for when the marry.And those that say they do are often simply unwantedand not had a sex life previously because they were unattractive and unwanted. But it makes them feel more superior and special to pretend it was being they saved themselves rather than because they were unwanted.Would you want to marry a woman who had never had sex because she is ugly and undesirable or would you rather marry a woman who has a past - where it is firmly in the past - but who is desirable and now chooses you?You are also forgetting that she might be feeling awful about being put into an arranged marriage scenario, without you having a list of deal breakers as if you are doing her a big favour. She has probably got other ideas and other people out there she would rather marry than some stranger chosen by her family. If she is young and good looking, normal and nice she will already have had feelings for others.One of the things you should be doing is making the idea of an arranged marriage more palatable for her. Not like some sort of assault course she is is there to do your bidding and it is all about you.Otherwise you will get married to someone who resents and hates you and then cheats on you or leaves you later.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 September 2020):
 Can't believe someone can post something as crass as this:
Some people simply don't like driving second hand cars. It has to be brand new for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2020): Wow just wow.people still have arranged marriages? You are cheating yourself by not getting married for love only.Life is short...love is all that matters.As for your wife I hope you ask her if she is a virgin and I hope that it insults her as it should.You want a happy life???Keep a happy wife.Give her the respect she deserves.treat her like a queen and do not abuse her.Always be a partnership never domenate.Respect her as a woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): I think this matters so much to you that you've lost all perspective. I think you're ashamed for her to know you're inexperienced. If you take the direct-route as some have suggested; please show her honor and respect no matter what the answer is. She has no way of anticipating whether you're a virgin or not, and didn't choose you; you were chosen for her. Furthermore, her life wasn't centered around preparing herself for you. This is all incidental, and she may not like you at all. Virgin or not! That should be the utmost priority of all your concerns, in my opinion!
You should ask your own parents if they might have addressed that particular matter when the betrothal was being arranged. In religiously-conservative realms, that's a very delicate and touchy subject. Dependent on how radical or fundamentalist the religion. Asking is considered an accusation. You didn't mention if you are Muslim.
There is a polite, inoffensive, and nonintrusive way to approach the topic. You get into a leisurely discussion about values and beliefs. First tell her that you are very conservative in your views. You may ask her what are her feelings regarding premarital-sex versus abstinence? It's very indirect.
That gives her some wiggle-room in the event she feels the question is too personal coming from someone she hardly knows; and you really haven't gotten to know her regarding anything else.
You need to get to know her and try to be objective. Not simply judge her on one thing... you better be a virgin, no ifs, ands, or buts!!!
By the same token, she could yet be a virgin; and may find a 25 year-old male-virgin less than manly. That goes both ways buckaroo! What if she wonders if you're a homosexual? Is she allowed to ask? Would you take offense?
You should reserve your feelings; until you have explored her character, personality, how your views and values align; and consider that her family may take extreme offense, if you should presume that she isn't a virgin.
In general, such a question is inappropriate when you've only just met. Get to know her, and earn some trust.
If you were arranged as a match; some things are an "understanding," and off-limits to open-discussion. If she is a virgin, and by cultural-tradition she is expected to be; an enraged-father, or offended brother, of the betrothed might beat you senseless for presuming she wouldn't be. It may not be as simple as asking, because there is also a matter of honor. Not being a virgin is the least of your worries; she could be a virgin, but a totally awful person. She could tell you anything, and you wouldn't know until after you're married; unless she was first examined by a doctor. I don't think anyone is going to go that far for you.
You had better be worth all this. Quite often a lot of high-minded and outrageous criteria are set-forth for women to live-up to; while the guy is nothing but a rotten and nasty brute, who ends-up cheating or being cruel to his woman. Turning-out to be a terrible husband, and a wicked father.
If a dowry was exchanged for your bride, you may not have much choice about this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): youcannotbeserious.
Some people simply don't like driving second hand cars. It has to be brand new for them.
Just to brighten the mood a little.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): Are you aware that you won't be able to know for sure? The same way she won't be able to know just because you say so.You do not know each other and if for some reason she has to marry you (not lose this opportunity you present to get married), she may lie to you and tell you what she thinks you want to hear.Whatever the primitive doctors claim, there is NO exam that can confirm if a woman is a virgin or not. I think it's refreshingly fair to hear that a man is not asking a woman for something he himself is not ready to give. Now, what exactly constitutes "being a virgin"? Never been kissed or touched? Or having been kissed but not touched bellow the waist? never having kissed someone or touched his private parts? Never having had penetrative sex? What if she had been raped? Is she still a virgin or not, because the sex was not consensual? What if any of it happened with the same sex partner?You need to know what you are asking so that you can formulate the question clearly. I would explain why it maters to me and why honesty matters and then would ask if she has had any kind of sexual physical contact, voluntary or not, with another person, be it male or female. I guess that question would cover it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 September 2020):
This sounds like it is more important to you than anything else. That is entirely your prerogative of course; we all have things which are "deal breakers" in relationships. However, I would just ask, have you actually thought this through to the end? Are you prepared to reject a woman who is perfect for you in every other way, purely because she may not be a virgin? Are you prepared to marry someone who is unsuitable in every way except that she is still a virgin? What are you going to do if your bride-to-be tells you she is NOT a virgin? What are you going to tell your parents? It would not be humane to tell them the true reason, so are you prepared to lie to them or are you just going to throw this lady under the bus?
I'm not saying you are wrong for thinking the way you do. It is entirely your choice where your priorities lie as far as your future wife is concerned. However, I do hope you have actually thought this all through, as your desire may have a huge impact on the life of this lady (or any other proposed bride) if it turns out she does not share your values.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2020):
 You ask her openly and frankly; in your situation, where you don't have the time and ease to get slowly and initimately acquainted to the person, there's no shame in being blunt, it is exactly as if asked her " Are you a vegetarian ? " or " Are you a smoker ? ".
You tell her what you told us, that you saved yourself for marriage and you want a person who did the same. And you could even clarify, if this is really so important to you, that you would not hesitate to terminate your marriage immediately if you should find out she is not a virgin.
At least there won't be any misunderstandings about your expectations !
As for being sure that she will not lie to you... that's another story. You can go by your instincts, by her reputation or by any other possible way that you can think of to assess the probability that she is telling the truth, but you can't ever have 100% certainty .
In various ( mostly Muslim ) countries is not unheard of for the girl to ask her OB/ gyn for a " certificate of virginity " to show her future husband , - but I feel that would be pushing it ; I think nowadays many women , even accepting of arranged marriages,... would simply rather disarrange the marriage than accept such a detestable imposition.
OTH, if this can comfort you... chances are that if she lies about her virginity, you won't be able to notice it. In most instances, there is really not a big noticeable difference between a girl with an hymen and one without, it's not that the tearing of the hymen is accompanied by siren sounds and stroboscopic lights; and many women do not bleed at all. Plus, there is a slew of traditional tricks and chemical products which can help simulating a ( lost ) virginity, - so if a woman is really intent on deceiving you , I think she'll succeed. ...But you won't notice it and you won't ever know, nor feel an asshole- and everybody will live happily forever...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): Ask her quitely just as you have written here what you believe that is important to you and to avoid future conflict and wait for her answer. I think you are a perfect gentleman in wanting to know this prior to getting too involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2020): All you can do is ask. She may tell you the truth, she may not. Be clear with her how important it is for you to know she has the same values. I recommend you get to know her before your arranged marriage to make sure she’s the right woman for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 September 2020):
 You ask her straight out. BUT I would not tell her that you EXSECT her to be one.
Listen to what she says and then decide if you want to move forward with the marriage.
I think it's fair enough to want to marry someone who has the same values, as in, who has also decided to wait for marriage to have sex.
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