A
female
age
30-35,
*adyy
writes:So this is how the story goes, I met my boyfriend off of Facebook about 2yrs ago, we live close by so we hit it off started talking on Facebook, then it continued onto the phone and then meeting up and eventually dating. He was amazing, nothing like any other guy I've ever talked to, or dated. I told him how chivalry was dead and guys try to jump on most girls on the first date.. so i was surprised when he was very gentleman like for this day and age and didn't touch me or kiss me on the first date besides a handshake. Anyway, he's 30, I'm now 22, when we met.. he told me he was 26,but actually was 29, I was 20 turning 21, it took 8 months to find out that he was actually 29 not 26. I don't really have a problem with a older man, so I didnt mind obviously.. i like older men.. but i was upset he lied.. he apologized so i forgave him.. wasn't a big deal but whatever. We kind of jumped into the relationship a bit too quickly.. well I did. I really wish I didn't. I have been dating him for almost 2 years now.. and we haven't had sex not once. We have messed around.. passionately kissing.. he truly does love me and i love him too.. but there are a couple of complications 1)He was sexually molested at age 10-13... by one of his aunts friends.. has not told anyone but me supposedly.. but this is the reason why he is afraid to have sex with me, bc every time he tries he has flashbacks of the assault.. and I am trying to be understanding bc i do love him.. and i do want him to go to therapy and this can maybe possibly be fixed. but wait theres more issues...2) He can not hold a steady job to save his life, i complain and moan about him not having a job and not being a man, i have to pay for everything, when we go out to eat, when we go to the movies, he'll ask for money to go somewhere, or money to grab a beer or two like every week, and every day when he sees me i have to PAY for both of us to eat. I can't remember hte last time he has paid for both of us. I mean he is really sweet at times.. its like he just gets a job when my birthday rolls around, valentines day, christmas, stuff like that maybe here and there when he gets temporary job he'll pay for our food, or we'll "split it" like what the heck happened to splitting the times i had to pay, and i express this all the time and we fightt all the time, and then he becomes all puppy face, im sorryyy, im sorry, i love you.. it wont happen again, im trying, don't worry i just have to get a good paying job, promise i wont lose it, (bc he has lost even temporary jobs for reasons like someone stole his lunch so he lashed out on everyone).. What am i to do!? I love this man and i have become so comfortable with him around i have let go of my friends bc he takes up all my time, and we don't really do anything but hang out in my car or MAYBE go to his grandmothers house where he stays! I know he comes from a poor family, but come on show me some motivation! 3) Another problem is he is verbally abusive, and gets loud and calls me names like bitch, and just pushing my buttons about stuff im self-conscious about, and if i don't drop him to his friends house or something, he'll do the same lash out and call me names after begging me saying please a million times and i'll lash out and say NO! NO MEANS NO! but how many times can a woman say no!! like he doesn't get it.. I am a bit of a pushover.. today he wanted to go to his friends house and wanted me to drop him and i kept saying no, and we went to a store bc we had nothing to do so i wanted to geta few things, and he starts complaining about how we never do anything he wants to do (like maybe if u paid for these things, we'd do what YOU'D like, but you dont, so no.) So i parked on the way bc he lashes out even when im driving, and its dangerous bc he'll try to kind of scare me, yelling as i'm driving or bang his fist on my dashboard, and i know he has a temper hes never really hit me, but i have a feeling maybe later on if i stay with him i could see it happening. Whenever he does these crazy things like lashing out and stuff he'll call me before i can even get a word in saying baby im so sorry (with sad voice) i am so ashamed about how i acted today.. bla bla bla pls it wont happen again. Whenever he doesn't get his way he starts acting like a child sorta.Like your 30 yrs old you shouldnt be acting like that, you should respect my feelings when i say no, it means no even if your upset about it. HE obviously knows im a pushover. Basically what I'm saying is.. knowing all these things being controlling at times, i can't have male friends, always wants to see me, i have to pay for everything, we dont have sex, but I know for a fact hes not cheating! Bc he was sexually abused.. so sex doesn't even phase him although he does watch porn here and there.. but not really. I just feel so bad bc he jus recently told me about him being sexually abused as a teenager and thats the reason why we don't have sex.. he was crying and what not over the phone.. i jus feel so bad if i leave him. He is so manipulative with his wordss.. ugh he jus sucks the soul out of me, he knows what buttons to push and i have a stand at times but i just give in because i dont know, i feel like a bad person.. I know he loves me.. and I think i still love him also but love isn't enough.. and whenever i try to talk to him about these things he well be like "oh no here we go again" or he'll change the subject.. or atleast try. I just don't know what to do, and yes I've tried to leave him he just gets crazy and keeps calling a million times its hard to keep ignoring it.. and when i finally pick up he does the sad voice thing again manipulating me. Please help! Maybe an experience, word of advice, plan anything to get rid of him! I'm tired of paying for everything and not getting anything from him in return.. I'm trying to be understanding but i feel so bad i will be worried about how he will be doing, i honestly feel like his mother. Helppppppp
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female
reader, Ladyy +, writes (16 February 2013):
Ladyy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, And I appreciate the help. After doing research about it I do believe he was sexually abused. I do want to remain a friend to help him get through this because maybe I was sent me to help if not be with for life. I think for two years of knowing this man, I can not be inhumane and just let him be for the rest of his life to suffer. Thank you all for your advice and experiences.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): I think it's worth noting that people who have been abused do not cut of their sexual feelings. I was abused and I am married we have kids. So I'm still sexual however I know I have issues with sex, my husband knows I have issues . I don't at tines like being cuddled and I guess I view sex as something dirty even though I enjoy it as soon as its over . I'm like okey that's me I'm of for a shower. So he could well be telling the truth. Also abuse can make you angry. And sometimes that anger is directed at yourself or others from frustration. It rages up like a volcano and then gushes. Simple things nothing can trigger it. Abuse can mean you socially are inept at workin with or keeping people or jobs in your life. If you haven't dealt with these issues it can tear your life apart .Plus my husband of 24yrs never knew until the same family member abused someone else in the family and my name was mentioned I never told him until then . Sometimes things feel like a dirty secret so I can relate and he might not be lying .Now me I'm a qualified mental health nurse who is a survivor of abuse. If he hasn't even gotten over being a victim . He will not get to the stage of being a survivor. If you love him as you say you do. Then you can't enable him.1 get him into therapy there must be some charity organisation who deal with past child abuse . Get him to name his abuser if even to you.2. Stop paying for everything. Don't run him around you are his partner not his slave .And therapy therapy therapy. Get him into anger management classes too . Tell how how this affects you. You defend him so I know you love him . We are not attacking him though just trying to help and I hope we have, some what.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 February 2013):
 Why would he do these things, just for a few bucks here and there ?
Quite possible. Why not ? It's not like this kind of guy has millionaires queing around his block, fighting for the privilege of being the lucky one who gets to take care of him. No sex, no job, liar, all talk no action , short fuse, .. most women would not want him for free .
I think you are really grasping at straws in order to defend his behaviour and justify him, but it 's really a hard job, because he is unjustifiable. Early sexual abuse ( which probably did not even happen ) in part EXPLAINS certain behaviours, but never justifies them. A shitty childhood is not a free pass to abuse and take advantage of people.
As for " love " ... love is not JUST a word, or a feeling, or a sensation. Love is an ACTION- it's when you DO loving things, when you treat your SO in a loving, caring, fair way. Which he is not doing. The signs of interests he shows , well, you've got to do SOME things when you have a comfy situation ( and/ or meal ticket ) , don't you, and he's getting away with almost the bare minimum , I'd say . Again, apparently he is a type that at 30 is not good at standing on his own feet , not only financially , but emotionally / affectively too- he needs mom to prop him up, and you are eager and ready to fill this role, while most women would just run at the idea.
You may say that anyway this is all speculation, ... and you'd be right, I have no hard evidence to show that you are wasting your time. But, to show you that, your frustration , insatisfaction and unhappiness with this " relationship " should be enough. I think they are already- maybe it's your low self esteem that gets in the why and makes you resist the idea that you deserve a real man, and a real sex partner, at your side.
If you have to make do with something to pet, feed, and take care of in exchange for a little company, might as well adopting a doggie or kitten.
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A
female
reader, Ladyy +, writes (15 February 2013):
Ladyy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSoveryconfused, In his defense, he did not lie. He actually told me that he was 29 bc he couldn't keep lying to me about it.
And it wasn't like oh honey u were lying its ok i forgive, it was obviously a long discussion. Lets not jump to conclusions, you don't know me or him thoroughly, but i have given you a idea. A idea is not enough.
Also yes I have done the list thing, and it jus ends up him having equal pros and cons.
but i love your plan, i was actually trying to leave him so if it doesn't work I'll try that so he can leave me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 February 2013):
 The first thing that hit me… HE LIED. He lied to you for 8 months and the only reason he told the truth was that you found out right???
You didn’t mind his age but you needed to mind the LIE. And yet here we go…. “oh honey you lied to me but it’s ok… I’ll forgive you” . Do you know what you told him by forgiving a lie? YOU told him with your actions that its’ ok for him to lie to you, that you will forgive him for his lies and his transgressions. That sets up the rest of the story right? I don’t know but let me continue to read….
You are an adult woman with a man who is supposedly an adult and have been in a relationship with him for two years and have not consummated it… not because you are saving yourself for marriage but just because…
You say HE truly does love me… how do you know? And “because he said he did” is not enough.
He tells you that he can’t have sex with you because he was sexually molested as a child. He’s never told anyone but you? What about his former girlfriends? Did he never want to fix it for them??? Was he able to be sexual with them? I sense that there is some other reason he’s not having sex with you and that’s the excuse he came up with so that you would not push…. I could be wrong… but life experience tells me otherwise…
He’s 30 and you have to pay for EVERYTHING… STOP PAYING…. A REAL MAN not only Needs to work he WANTS to work.. MOST men define themselves by their jobs. My husband lost his job in January 2012… I make a very nice living and we were able to have him be a stay at home boy toy (he’s younger than I am) for 9 months while we had our home renovated. He was dying not being “a man” and working to take care of our home even though we did not need the money… We were not having sex. He was depressed. He felt unlovable and unsexy and unnecessary. He found a job and it took about 2 months till he felt manly enough again. MEN in general (not all men but most) take pride in their careers and earning power and delight in spoiling their partner. This guy… so far he’s a lying mooch… but wait there’s more right….
SOMEONE stole his lunch so he lashed out??? ENOUGH to get FIRED? WOW.. that’s bad news… and scary. So he’s a lying mooch with a temper….
“he’s really sweet at times” AT TIMES? You mean this lying mooch of a “man” is not perfect to you 24/7????
You love this man. You love him the way he is? REALLY? He’s not sexual with you, he lies to you, he has a temper, he’s not employed and not making an effort, he’s not pulling his weight financially in the relationship… tell me exactly what he does to make you love him
I do not mean “he buys me things” or “he gives me orgasms” I want YOU to write specifics about why you love him…. And not the things he did to win you… and not the things you THINK he can be… but the truth for yourself NOW… Write three lists.
List one on a separate piece of paper titled “my dream guy” list all the things you must have in a partner. (on the back you can list all your deal breakers---btw if you list lying or chronic unemployment or stingy with his income) your guy has made the deal breaker list
Now on a clean sheet of paper put his name at the top
Make two columns label one PROS the other CONS
Now in the PRO column list all the things about him that meet your dream guy needs (NOT what you think he can do or what you want him to do but what he’s currently ACTUALLY doing)
In the con list you put all the things that are wrong. I’ll start that list for you, LIAR, mooch, chronically unemployed, temper,
He’s abusive to you… and you accept that… so far this man you love lies to you, mooches off of you, won’t have sex with you, wont’ find a job, yells at you, calls you names, emotionally, mentally and verbally abuses you…
If you don’t drom him to his friends? So you’re a taxi service too???
He is 30 and lives with grandma??? He has a temper so bad you pull over when your driving.
He accuses you of not doing anything he wants…
I was going to continue but I’m hammering you and you don’t need that with him beating you up….
Since you are clearly not going to just dump him and leave, which would be my choice for you to do, we have to come up with an exit plan.
So I think that some therapy for you sounds like a good start…
Now we have to wean the two of you off each other. Some of my ideas are dramatic and over the top but it’s what I can think of and we can use them as a jumping off place
1. No more paying for going out with him. If he can’t afford to do something you want to do, do it without him… if you would have paid for him anyway… pay for a friend that you haven’t seen for a while and go have dinner with them. NO PAYING HIS WAY
2. No more lifts to his friends.
3. No contacting him no rowing this relationship boat. When he wants you he can call you. If he asks you to do something… it needs to be on him to cover the transportation and expenses….
4. No physical sexual contact… no necking no petting… if you must have hugs and stuff… go to your friends and say I NEED A HUG… amazing how sometimes human touch is all we need…. Get a big huge furry dog that weighs as much as a man (I’m partial to newfoundlands) let the dog sleep in bed with you… it’s like having a human.. they even snore….
5. Next time he calls you a name, you stop what you are doing and you leave. If you are in the car you stop the car and get out (take the keys your phone and purse) do not lock the doors or walk too far away from your side of the car.. the second he gets out… get in and lock the doors and tell him “I will not be treated this way” and leave him. If you are afraid he will be hurt on the side of the road you call the local police and report a stranded pedestrian… DO NOT FEED HIS DRAMA…
You say you know he loves you… no he doesn’t. how does a man that sucks your soul out of you love you?
STOP answering his calls if you can. You say you can’t and when he does he does the sad voice thing… why is with him so much better than alone?
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A
female
reader, Ladyy +, writes (15 February 2013):
Ladyy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Cindy, and everyone else, thank you for your response. I am like you, as i am skeptical believing that he was sexually abused as a teenager, but who in their sick mind would make something like that up, and yes I have confronted him about it, he said the same thing, who the hell would make that up?, He has told me about being sexually molested when he was younger before, but recently he brought it up to be the reason why he can't have sex, bc of the flashbacks. And yes i have gave it thought maybe he doesnt love, maybe he doesnt have a issue like being sexually molested, but i dont know, im not a mind reader. To respond to how i know he loves me, he always wants to meet my family and see me,talks about having kids, and wanting to change, trying to change by getting temporary jobs until he can get a real job, point is he is trying but its not enough. And I have done a bit of research about sexually molested guys, and the fact that he wants to sabotage his relationships, jobs and everything its part of him being a victim of sexual molestation. A person who has been sexually molested will try to ruin everything they have and even in turn being some what verbally abusive.Im not going to lie, I have been insecure and jealous. I am verbally abusive towards him also. How do i know he loves me? well I just dont know.. but who hangs out with someone everday calls them everyday, makes sure they are home safe, stays up all night talkin on the phone, if he wasnt in love with me why would he do these things? Why put in all this effort to talk to me? Just for 5 bucks here and there? Im not justifying the fact that he does ask me for money and food, but sometimes i am broke, but he still wants to hang out with me and see me, he actually prefers seeing me and hanging out with me than his friends. It may be true I am just comfortable being with someone that i am tolerating a user of a man just so I don't have to be alone. But I do love him... him and his broken promises. Letme remind you he is 30 years old! What man at this age when the rest of his friends are settling down and having kids, would want to play these mind games?? He wants to settle down badly, hes just irresponsible when it comes to keeping a job and such. Why waste your time at 30?, he is self conscious about his age..so just highly doubt he doesnt "love me" and playing these mind games.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): Please leave this guy!! U could do so much better
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 February 2013):
" I am a bit of a pushover " is an understatement, no disrespect meant, but you are the dictionary definition for a pushover !
And, for a gullible, naive girl. Oh come on, do you really believe that he loves you ?... How do you know ? because he says so ?. Yeah. As if he is very reliable in what he says , right ?
I think that if you can't break the chains of this codependent thing, the first thing to do is to admit that yes, he may have " issues " but you've got issues as well, maybe bigger.
You've got to find out what scares you so much in being ( temporarily ) alone, that you prefer being abused , mistreated and sponged off.
He would benefit from therapy, but he won't go- and who would pay anyway . So , YOU invest in therapy for yourself- with the money that you'll save when you stop lavishing it on him.
You've got to give a cold , harsh look to the face of reality. You are buying yourself a lover- you are paying through the nose for the crumbs of his affection. I won't even say that it is wrong try to buy sex, love and affection with money and gifts- men do it all the time, consciously or not. But if you feel you need a gigolo, at least get a NICE one, one who knows how to do his job, that is kind, polite, respectful, grateful and fusses about you. This one won't even sing for his supper !- but he should, at least.
Stop taking the crumbs and saying it is a whole Sacher Torte .
Of course he can be sweet. Come on over here, and pay my bills, and take me out to dinner whenever I want, and free me from the responsibility of living like an adult ... and I'll be sweet too . I'll drawn you in molasses, I'll choke you with sugar . ( Or maybe not. Personally, I am not the type. But ... some people are, and your bf must be among them ).
When I was still at point 1) I was saying to myself, oh yes, poor guy, maybe with therapy.. but, having read the following of the post, that's not even the real issue. First, even if he could fix his sexual problems, there are many more that would be dealbreakers for most women.
Second, how do you even know it's true ? Pardon me but I am a bit skeptical, it does not sound as after his trauma he became asexual or totally unintereted in sex. If he watches porn, ..that's how he takes care of his urges. Maybe he does not have sex with you because he does not want to, haven't you ever thought about this possibility ? I mean, he's a guy who's good at avoiding what does not excite him : working.. paying bills.. acting adult... maybe the story of his flashbacks is another way he can avoid singing for his supper.
Or maybe not, maybe it's really the aggression traume that fucked him up this way. But, I think it should still be no skin off his nose. Fixer-upper men are always not the best choice as partners, but I guess it could work with a strong, self confident, assertive woman. You sound too vulnerable, sensitive, and manipulable for this kind of men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): I think you should leave him!
You have to be strong. I would just tell him you need some space and time on ur own, change ur phone number and get him off ur Facebook - if ur on it that is! If he threatens to turn up to ur house, tell him u will have the police remove him. You deserve better. Yes it's a shame what happened to him, but its not fair to treat u the way u are being treated.
Defo leave him, and stay strong! You will meet someone who will treat u better, and when u do you'll think.. What was I doing with this guy for the last 2 years.
Good luck.
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