A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi bi guy here and really need help please read all.So back in September I met this guy via an online dating site. I was drunk and he was at work but it was a good meet. We started seeing each other regularly and everytime he was opening up about how he felt for me. After the second meet he said we shouldn't see anyone else just us too, I told him to keep meeting people cause I didn't want a relationship. Now at the time I wasn't used to guys telling me they are falling in love with me. I was getting freaked out after every meet cause he had a feeling everytime.So at first he said our set up was perfect for him. Then one night we met and we had sex. Things got close he was saying things and after having sex I freaked out and didn't speak to him for a week so I could get my head together. Once I got my head together I replied to his messages and he was seeing another guy. I kept asking if they were a couple which he denied. I found out via the other guys insta they were a couple and for two months he was lying to me. I let it go and we talked it out. He told me he didn't say he was with him cause he didn't want me to stop meeting him.So I started opening up to him about feelings I've got for him. I've been giving him every bit of free time I have so we can see each other but he always lets me down. He has told me if things were different he'd dump his boyfriend and we'd be together but if he can't make an effort when I'm free then does he really care. I kept getting ill recently and was sent for tests HIV being one of them I was nervous and shared my worries with him about it asked him if he was clear etc but he told me I'm getting on his nerves ( I was all clear) Like if he really does care about me but knows I'm not ready for a gay relationship should he dump his boyfriend and be patient with me? If he really cares wouldn't he make an effort to see me on my free time at least a couple of times? I have even taken time off work so I can see him and he doesn't show up. Am I expecting to much or is he not putting enough effort in. It doesn't help me doubting about a relationship with him with so many let downs. But I think I shouldn't have to tell him to dump his boyfriend to see me (I wouldn't do it I've given him chances to end it with me) but if I was really that important to him surely he would right
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 April 2016):
 Look he done wrong to begin with by not telling you he had a boyfriend, his poor partner. This behavior from both of you could ruin his life, I hate how people are so selfish by cheating and don't see how it effects the other person. It can ruin their trust for the rest of their lives.
Now you both had sex and then you ignored him for a week, am sure he just thought it was sex you wanted. Am not sure why he came back after that, I wouldn't have. He shouldn't be with his boyfriend if he is cheating, am sure you wouldn't be able to trust him even if he did finish it with him for you. Plus why would he? He is getting the best of both worlds, plus he knows you don't want a relationship so he is having a bit of fun with you.
He denied that he had a boyfriend, which makes him a liar, so why would you believe he ever had any feelings for you at all?
He told you that you are getting on his nerves, it sounds to me like you where a bit of fun and now he wants you to go away, you need to accept that he is spoken for and move on with your life, or you will be the one that ends up hurt. Stop missing time from work to be with him, stop having sex with people who are in a committed relationship, and try and see the signs that he does not care about you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 Both : you are expecting too much, AND he is not putting much effort in this.
- If he " really " cared .... if he really cared about you, he would not be in a relationship with another man to begin with ! How much " care " can you reasonably expect from someone who already has an official partner ?
You are his " something on the side " - an appealing, occasionally exciting distraction or temptation , ( if you don't start nagging.... ) but not the real thing .There's only so much " care " he can reserve to you.
- And no, actually he " shouldn't make more of an effort " to see you when you are free. He's got a boyfriend , remember ?If there are efforts to do,... it will be to accomodate his ( the bf's ) schedule, not yours. You know it.When you accepted to date someone who is already involved, you also accepted an official position of second fiddle. Too bad that now you find it inconvenient.
- Then again, maybe your expectations in general are rather unrealistic ( and a bit narcissistic ).
I think it's a case of , ahem, " pee or get off the pot ". You are not ready for a gay relationship ( whatever that means, and whatever the differences may be from any relationship between humans ) , ok , cool. You don't know if you want one, you don't know if you will want one.... and what's the other person supposed to do,put everything on hold waiting that hopefully you make up your mind ? ... When ?... In one year, two, five ?....
Apparently you want the perks ( the emotional security, the monogamy ) of a serious relationship, without actually accepting the official committment to be in one. Not that fair :), and, regardless of fairness, not such a great, appealing offer.
So, until you do decide you are ready for a relationship, maybe you should just keep things light, breezy, casual and uninvolved. Recreational, basically. Save the discussions about feelings and the requests for effort and quality time for when you will be ready to be the official bf.
...............................
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