A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am in a new relationship which is going so well and I am extremely happy, when I first dated this man I was still in contact with my ex on a civil level or as friends as most would say, I went on a few dates with this new man and didn't think I wanted a relationship again because of my experiences in the past, to me he was just another guy I was on a date with, cut a long short I met up with my ex after a few drinks and we slept together... i didn't think anything of it.. Until the new man asked me on another date and I saw a completely different side to him, he made me laugh the more and more I spent time with him I never expected him to mean what he means to me today, I don't know if I had a guard up at the start and didn't want to let him in...I do not speak to my ex anymore neither do I wish to, this new man means so much to me and I care deeply for him but I can't help but wonder if I was wrong to of slept with my ex when we were about 2/3 dates in? I never ever expected to be so happy with him... Should I tell him? I don't know how to feel, I want to be 100% honest with everything but is it a case of what they don't know can't hurt them...Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2015): Um... Let me think?
NO!!!!!!!!!!
Two dates in is not a relationship. You're over your ex. You love the new guy. So don't put this dark cloud over your new relationship. There's no point to telling him. For all you know he could have slept with his ex. Do you want to open that door. No. You were not exclusive. It's none of his business. It didn't mean anything. And telling him will most certainly derail your relationship.
Keep it to yourself. And mentally move on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2015): It's not a man's automatic responsibility to buy a woman's expensive dinner on the first date. But what if a man tells her that he will buy it, or leads her to believe that he will, only to change his tune when the meal is over? Now that is wrong. Its still wrong even though he did not originally owe her a free dinner if he had not wanted to. Is the same with exclusivity. If you lead someone to believe that you were exclusive, then it's wrong to be fooling them or omitting things. Deception makes it wrong even if they had no right to expect it. It's promising a gift and then not delivering it. Why did the OP not tell him the truth in the first place? Simple. Because she sensed that she might BENEFIT FROM FOOLING HIM. He might have changed his mind about being with her at the start if he had known the truth. That is manipulating someone. That is wrong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2015): If he was seeious about being exclusive with you after date 1 or 2then yes you should tell him, it's not about whether you were serious about him or not, that is a one-sided biased to your favour view
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 October 2015):
 anonymous male... i agree that cheating is anything you can't won't or don't tell your PARTNER..however after two dates he was NOT her partner... he was at that time just a guy she was dating without any commitment.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2015): "None of his business"? that depends on whether the OP's boyfriend was misled about what she was doing at the time. If she led him to believe that she was not screwing around with anyone else then he was lied to and that IS his business.
Cheating is not defined by technicalities. Cheating happens when you purposely keep things from your partner that they would want to know. It might be a hug or a kiss or a phone call. it might be sex. But it's the deception that matters.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 October 2015):
NO! just NO.
NONE Of his business... you were not committed and therefore I would LET IT GO...
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A
female
reader, chipmunk37 +, writes (28 October 2015):
 No. You shouldn't tell him it will only destroy what you have just begun to build with him. You probably feel guilty about it and subconsciously want to punish yourself for it by confessing to your new boyfriend knowing full well what the consequences will be. You may be thinking you don't deserve to be happy. The fact is you have not done anything that bad really. You had only been out on two or so dates with the new guy when you slept with your ex. You weren't going steady, you certainly weren't in a committed relationship, you probably hadn't even programmed his number into your contacts folder on your phone. Just forgive yourself and forget. The anxiety and sleepless nights you have suffered over this is even punishment for the crime you think you committed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015): I think it doesnt count ... you werent serious at that point or exclusive. He would likely be hurt if you told him so i would say don't tell him. You wouldnt be so careless now which is the major point! Do not tell.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015): Threads like these always scare me. So many grown adults advocating the kind of lies that get innocent people infected with STIs without ever knowing they were being put at risk.
This happened to me. It happened despite using condoms and regular testing. She lied, I didn't know I was being put at risk, the problem didn't show up on tests right away, and I got burned.
It DOES happen, its completely the liar's fault when it happens, and there is no sure way to avoid it. The only responsible sexual habit is total honesty with all your partners all the time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015): No- unless you want to be instantly dumped! Next time when you break up with someone make sure they are out of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015): No way. You had only been on two dates with your bf. Be happy you have met someone special and enjoy what you have. Don't spoil something wonderful
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (28 October 2015):
 No- put it to bed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015): No
No
No
NO
NO!!
NO!!!!!!!!
and....
N O ! ! !
None of his business
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A
female
reader, Geeminy Cricket +, writes (28 October 2015):
Hey, I know exactly as you feel, my current boyfriend and I got together over a year and a half ago, and during the time we started talking, I was having a small fling with this guy from my college (I say small it actually wasn't). That was also because at the time, I didn't think me and my current boyfriend would actually get together, obviously I was wrong. I've only told him certain aspects because I felt like he didn't need to know everything in absolute detail, for example I told him that I was talking to other guys as well as him when we first started getting to know each other. However my boyfriend gets quite huffy over small stuff, so if you know that your guy will be okay about it then you shouldn't hesitate to tell him. Just let him know :)
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