A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am obsessed with my uni lecturer! Infatuated, and cannot stop thinking about him!This is very embarrassing for me to admit because I am almost 30 and have been in a relationship for 9 years.I am sure my lecturer must realise how I feel, as he is pleasant and relaxed when talking to other people, yet he seems to shy away from me. It's as if he is too scared to talk to me. He is a great tutor, and it leaves me saddened when he acts this way. However i feel like it's my fault as I go red when he looks at me, and it must be obvious I have a crush on him!The problem is that I know I can never have him, yet in my mind he is great. I know nothing about him, but i have built up this fantasy that he is meant for me! How sad is that! How on earth do I bring this under control? The other day I saw him having an intense conversation with one of the other members of staff in our building and it left me feeling crushed! It looked like they were an item, and I feel so jealous! This is just so pathetic I know, but in a way I feel good when I think about him, yet it's all in my head and I feel like a complete crank!
View related questions:
crush, jealous, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, missy_25  +, writes (30 October 2015):
Here's a true and tried strategy based on personal experience. The only time it didn't work is when I realized I was in love with that person (so be careful because, it can backfire). ??
1. get to know that person but not in an obsessive way without approaching the person directly at first
2. really observe his physical features (good and preferably more NOT SO GOOD things about him)
3. find out what kind of character he is through friends or peers (family life, personal life, goals etc. etc.)
4. picture a realistic future in your head what it would be like if you guys would end up being a couple.
(usually after these 4 steps, the crush phase would die down because you'll find that he's not your type at all and wouldn't want to date him and glad that you didn't have to embarrass yourself to find out OR you still think those cute things about him but it just ends there and still wouldn't want to date him.
These last two steps are things I would caution you do only IF you are prepared with the consequence of this affecting your current relationship. You should THINK TWICE before doing this.)
5. talk to that person more as friends to understand what kind of character he is
6. Ask him out for a coffee or going to an event together you would both be interested in BUT NOT as a "date". No kissing or any physical touch.
(again the whole point is to know the "real person" vs. the fantasy in your head and burst this bubble. Usually after this, my attraction would've really died down. Sometimes it escalates to an actual date but after one of you starts saying you like each other, you realize you don't want to be in a relationship with that person so the fantasy just ends there.)
For me it has worked several times in my life and that is how I have distinguished who are the ones I truly loved vs. the ones who were to this day I still "admire" but know that I wouldn't want to cross the line to date or have a relationship with because there are things about them I wouldn't be able to stand or want to deal with.
Please let me know if it worked for you! ??
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (28 October 2015):
 You are creating a rosy fiction in your head. It's a little play about perfection. Now just try turning this on it's head.
Add some realism: his breath smells awful; he has a fungal nail infection; he makes smelly farts, but uses too much aftershave lotion.
Create a few more bad habits for him like he doesn't wash his hands after using the lavatory. He isn't a knight in shining armour, a sage, a wise counsellor. He is an old Lothario with notches on his bed head.
You see your imagination can work both ways. Somewhere between the picture I painted and the one with whom you are infatuated lies a modicum of the truth.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (28 October 2015):
You are not the first nor will you be the last student to have a crush on the lecturer that is teaching you at the moment.I know it must be painful and difficult to deal with and so i would ask you to consider having a chat with a counsellor on this matter.Because it will interfer with your studies and social life that you dwell so much on this man.As you stated you have built up a FANTASY that this man is meant for you-this is not sad but you may need the help of a counsellor.Try and pay extra attention to the subject that he is teaching rather then the man.Have an active social life mix with males/females.Live life and enjoy your studies.Kind regards NORA B.
...............................
A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (28 October 2015):
What you have is a big " crush " and it's not at all uncommon to begin to have fantasys or even dreaming about certain people.
It's also not uncommon to start confusing these fantasies with reality, especially when you in close proximity with your crush – after all, you spend so much time there .
However it is important to keep your feet firmly rooted in reality, though; keep your fantasy life completely separate from your university one.
Try thinking how would I feel if my partner acted or was acting like how I am.
Look at your home life .. are you lacking some excitement .. maybe sometime wooing each other all over again .. The mundane routine of work home etc can make others seem so much more appealing ..
That doesn't make you a bad person ..It just makes you human .. what you need to do is focus this is university to improve yourself and your future and your partners .. so focus on these aspects
Make sure ..you concentrate on your work ..and keep saying to yourself .. It will pass haha
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015): Your crush is bordering on a mental illness in that you have primed yourself up to thinking he would be good for you and to you.
You are feeding off emotions from a fantasy that only you are aware of.
Your lecturer will perceive you as rather shy and easily embarressed.
If you have been in a relationship you need to ask yourself why you need to develop a crush at this stage of your life.
Usually it is to compensate for something that is lacking, but possibly it is just a mechanism to brighten up a dreary day.
I can guarantee you that your crush is unwarranted.
He wont be a perfect man.
He's been telling the same jokes in his lectures at the same place for years and it is just a job he does that allows him to get paid and carry on studying.
He is probably wearing the jeans and shirts his wife chose for him.
In fact his wife may possibly work in the same department and that is probably who you saw him speaking to .
Quite possibly he was saying " Will you be able to pick up little annie and joe (twins) or am i the one on duty tonight!"
And she could well have replied "ok huggy bear lets both be there!"
So you see it really is crazy to weave a fantasy around him and expect him to be aware of it.
Take a long cold shower and tell yourself its time to get out of romantic mode and get back into work mode asap or you might lose the plot !
...............................
|
